


our tempered melody

by softlyspoken



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: AU, Angst, Assisted Suicide references, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, What if’s, aaron bumps into robert and they get their adventures in paris canon couldn’t give us ... basically, just with loads of angst and sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2020-12-17 15:43:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 87,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21056858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softlyspoken/pseuds/softlyspoken
Summary: lonely in the city of love, a surprising situation leads aaron to meet and fall for someone in spite of what he knows will always hold him back





	1. The case of the disappearing biscuits

**Author's Note:**

> Look who’s back with another multi chapter fic??? Moi. It’s been a while and I’ve missed writing fics with chapters so I thought I’d give this one a go. Obviously the timing is ... not great but I’m hoping people carry on reading this!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is struck by a chance meeting

  
Aaron closes the hotel room door shut and hangs his head low as he travels towards the lifts and waits for the sound to ping and the doors to open. He taps his foot awkwardly against the ground and then presses the button for the lift once more before they spring open.

He walks in and clicks his neck before sighing and taking in his reflection in the glass panelled mirrors they’ve got. He looks like he’s been pushed through a hedge, feels like it too but he manages to get downstairs to the staff room in one piece.

It isn’t a staff room, it’s a cupboard where the cleaning stuff goes but apparently the small stool in the room makes it grand and important.

It isn’t.

“Oh, all done for the night then?” Tracy is over his shoulder as he locks the door and tries to wipe the smell of disinfectant from his hands. He rubs them down his front and then frowns at her. “You. Off home?”

The question makes him twitch and he manages to nod faintly before she’s squeezing his shoulder and telling him to have a good night with a wink. He can only imagine what she thinks he gets up to, cozy nights and big beds or whatever. 

The air is quiet when he gets out of the hotel, the streets run for miles and yet feel closed off at the same time and he has to pull his hands into his pockets to fight the bite in the breeze. There’s still shitty Christmas decorations about and they run for miles ahead, lights flickering as he tries his best to avoid them.

What he can’t seem to avoid is someone thumping straight into him and sending his work shirt into a puddle. It had been hanging off his bag and maybe it wasn’t the most secure place for it but still.

He has a point and he intends to use it, he does, only he really hasn’t got around the fact that a thick gruff English accent means absolutely nothing to the French. 

The man in front of him seems startled though, hunched down and his eyes dart slightly as he brings a backpack over his body tighter and shrugs. 

“There’s a whole pavement here and you just ...” Aaron stops himself, he stops himself and he doesn’t really even understand why but he does. 

“I’m sorry.” It comes out easily in a way that Aaron’s not used to, in a way that makes his heart thump hard and fast. 

“Yeah ... well.”

The man picks up the top, holds it heavily in his hands and then passes it to Aaron slowly. Aaron looks at him, watches how skittish he looks, how the bag he’s carrying looks like it has his whole life stuffed inside. 

He sees himself and it makes him look away.

“It will come out. I’m sure it will.”

Aaron’s head snaps up to the sound of a familiar accent, he almost wants to ask him where abouts he’s from but the dampness of his only clean work shirt overrides the curiosity.

“Here’s hoping.” Aaron says, he brings his bag closer to his middle and then keeps walking as the man stays exactly where he is. He breathes in, out and then in again.

He looks back once before getting a grip and charging back to his flat.

—

He scrubs hard, uses hot water and watches the bubbles burst as he stares up at the sky. It almost looks like velvet, secretive and hidden and yet so open at the same time. 

He scrubs until the dirt of the streets and the dampness of the puddle is nothing but a faded out circle. He holds the shirt up, thinks about the weight it held in the man’s hands. 

The sound of rain hitting the windows draws him out of the thought. 

—

Alice on reception is an absolute pain in the arse and it’s not even because she refuses to speak a word of English, it’s because she treats the cleaning staff like they’re the scum of the Earth.

He’s cleaning an empty room, on his hands and knees in the bathroom because apparently last time wasn’t thorough enough. It’s practically shimmering as he removes the gloves and gives himself a second to look out across to the window.

It’s a nice day, the sky is a heavy grey colour and yet the sun is trying to shine through and it all looks poetic and romantic and he absolutely goes back to hating France.

It only gets worse when his phone goes off, he’s mid polishing when Ed’s face pops up on screen and there’s a gnawing sense of something blossoming inside him that he wants to ignore.

The window still gives him a view that makes him jealous by the time he’s finished, kicking the door open and scratching at the paintwork before thudding down to do the exact same thing in the exact same room exactly opposite. 

—

Tracy has a boyfriend, he’s french and manly and apparently Aaron should find all of this very interesting but he doesn’t. He’s got his head stuck in his phone playing a game and _pretending_ to be listening when she eventually realises he’s not. 

“Manly. Yeah I heard.” Aaron says, he chews a fingernail when she rolls her eyes and looks at him with judgy sad eyes. “What?”

“You.” She says, and sometimes he wishes he was the only one working here who could speak English. It would be easier than this, than friends knowing you and so knowing when things are absolute shit. “You’re miserable.”

He thinks about it, there’s a deep unsaid agreement but he fights to make out like it doesn’t matter. “Who isn’t?” He says. 

It makes her mouth clamp shut like she thinks he’s probably right, and then she’s being called away to clean the loo’s and he’s alone again. 

His phone is his only company until he’s on hoover duty, sky heavy and dark with something Aaron’s afraid to look into.

There’s a tray full of biscuits near one of the rooms and he swipes a packet before searching for a plug and cursing the shitty make up of the place. Sticking earphones in and blocking out the world works until he’s finished and he’s noticing half the tray has disappeared.

It gets a frown on his face and then he’s back to not giving a shit when Alice is telling him to leave because she won’t be paying him over time, that or she’s having a wonderful goat. He really hasn’t mastered the language yet. 

—

The case of the disappearing biscuits begins to consume his life four days later when Alice holds a meeting about it. He snorts into a tea when she mentions the seriousness of the case and only sobers when she accuses him.

“Of what exactly?” 

“Stealing.”

She’s mastered the word in English and it comes out like a blunt knife jabbing away at something.

“I haven’t. They’re biscuits. They’re probably kids or something.”

And that or something is what plays on his mind throughout his entire shift on Friday night. He’s got the whole weekend off but instead of thinking of what he could do, he’s watching a tray of confectionery and wondering if it’s Tracy or not.

He’s unplugging a hoover in the lower floor of the hotel when he hears the sound of feet and it makes him jump backwards slightly. The floor is dingy and dark and there’s hardly any actual rooms that they make up for guests down here. In short, no one should be here but they are. 

Aaron’s quick to realise where it coming from, finds himself tiptoeing to one of the rooms at the end that’s under refurbishment and currently looking like absolute shit. He’s holding a feather duster by the time he bursts in, nearly takes the door of his hinges as he looks around the place.

What he doesn’t expect to see is someone in the corner of the room with a rucksack and a pillow. 

He doesn’t expect it to be the can’t walk without walking into someone man from the other night either. 

And yet. 

—

He stands slowly at first and Aaron sees how wide and green his eyes are as he steps into the light.

“I ... please don’t ...”

“Don’t what?” Aaron frowns, he comes into the room and closes the door quietly. “Tell you to do one. It’s the least I could do, I could ring the police.”

He wouldn’t, he’s not an idiot but the threat manages to get some response. 

“It’s just for a little bit, just during the night OK?” The man steps closer and Aaron looks at him properly. He’s got a denim jacket on, hair fair and messy as he shakes his head. “I haven’t got anywhere else to go.”

Aaron stares at him, “You ...” He’s soft, he can hear it in his voice and he has to clear his throat. “You’re homeless?”

That seems to get a response, it makes the man look smaller when Aaron knows he’s taller than he is by a fair bit. He looks the same age as him, dresses sort of the same too and it makes more stick to the back of Aaron’s throat. 

“I just need to save up.”

Aaron looks around the place. “It isn’t safe here.”

“It’s fine.” He says, he brings an arm around his middle.

“It’s freezing, and stealing biscuits isn’t ...”

“I’ll stop.” Aaron frowns. “I will. Look, please just pretend you didn’t see me.” 

Aaron’s a lot of things, confused about where he’s going in life, lonely, fucked up and also a little sad most times but he isn’t an arsehole. 

He looks at him, breathes in and then out again. “Tell me your name.”

“Robert.” It sounds familiar, sounds like home, makes Aaron’s heart thud harder as he sees him almost smile for the first time. “It’s Robert, and I’m sorry for ...”

“Ain’t my hotel is it?” Aaron shrugs, then he looks around the place again and sighs. “Work starts up again on Monday so you’ll have to be gone during the ...”

“Yeah I know. I know.” He seems to have it all worked out as he nods and scratches the back of his head. 

Aaron feels useless standing here, his foot taps against the ground and he nods back slowly. “Just don’t make any noise.”

“You’re ...” Robert looks like he could burst. “Thanks.”

Aaron walks towards the door and then looks over his shoulder. “Haven’t see ya.”

“Right.” Robert stutters. “I didn’t get your ...”

Aaron breathes in deeply. “It’s Aaron.” 

“Aaron?” Robert smiles faintly. “Thank you.”

Aaron nods his head gently, “Whatever.” He says, instead of anything else he could be thinking.


	2. “Suit yourself then”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron's efforts are dashed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to those who commented on the first chapter, this one was written after the emotional rollercoaster of Thursday and Friday ... how dare you ryan honestly

Aaron doesn’t know what to do with the debt that’s buried deep down inside of him most days. It’s Adam’s debt and Robert’s debt and everything else.

It bubbles up and boils down to nothing again.

It leaves him empty.

—

Alice issues a new rota on Monday morning and he’s called in earlier than usual to try and make out as much as he can from her. Philip lets him know the gist and he nods his head at the appropriate times until she’s mentioning the lower ground rooms. 

He cranes his neck up, elbows Philip when he doesn’t say anything for a while. “And, what did she say then?”

Philip scratches his jaw and then frowns. “Something ... the work downstairs is stopping for a few days so we still ‘ave to clean there.”

Aaron nods his head slowly, “Put me down for working there.”

Tracy gives him a funny look and he shrugs. 

“It’s quiet down there.” 

—

He hangs himself up against the wall, foot leaning against it and head swinging as he looks down at the number on the screen. 

“Mum?” He brings the phone to his ear and his heart hangs heavy in his chest when she asks how he’s doing. She asks and asks and he just mumbles out sayings that’ll make her happy.

“And Ed, love, how’s he?” 

There’s something stuck in his chest but he swallows it down quickly enough. “He’s sound, work’s good, everything ... it’s great mum.”

He can practically hear her smiling. He hears the bustle of the pub, the sound of glasses clinking against hands and the till being opened and closed again. It makes something ache inside him.

“You’re seeing the world aren’t ya?”

Aaron stares at the cream wall in front of him, peeling and brown at the bottom. He closes his eyes and gulps something down again.

“Yeah. Seeing the world.”

He hangs up after a few minutes, her voice fades away and a woman comes out of one of the rooms ready for a night out in the city.

He disappears down the hall as she walks to the lift.

—

It’s half ten when he gets down to the lower ground floor dragging the hoover as he goes and hesitating when he gets to the door. 

He’s stuffed a packet of biscuits and half a baguette he couldn’t be bothered to finish for lunch. It’s got pickles in it or something but the cheese tasted alright. 

He feels like an idiot for knocking, but he does and then he peeks through the door to see Robert sitting exactly where he was on Friday. He’s taller now, looks brighter and Aaron feels something tighten in his chest.

“Hey. Again.”

It’s that, it’s the familiarity of a voice that doesn’t shriek like Tracy’s or make him sad like his mum’s. 

Aaron nods slowly, “You OK?”

“Can’t complain.” Robert bites his lip and stands awkwardly before looking at the slightly ajar door. Aaron closes it and comes closer into the room before looking at the view Robert has of the city. “Lower ground but still ... can poke my head up and see the ...”

“What are you doing here?” Aaron has his hand on the hoover and a cloth thrown over his shirt. It falls slightly and he huffs before looking at Robert’s face. “Are you homeless? Is that it?”

Robert breathes in deeply. “I had to get away ... from home.”

Aaron lets go of the hoover, leans against the wall and stands opposite Robert. He sees this look on his face, this sadness in his eyes. 

“Where’s that?”

“Yorkshire.” Robert looks up. “Same as you I’m guessing.”

Aaron gives a small nod and then shrugs. “Can’t you just ... go back?” Because at least he _has_ one, at least he _can_ if he really wants to. 

Robert hangs his head. “I came here for a reason.”

“I bet it wasn’t to be squatting in a shit hotel.” 

Robert raises his head at that and frowns. “I’ll figure something out. I just had ... I barely had enough for the ticket here so ... I’m just settling in.”

“Right.” Aaron crosses his arms over and remembers how overwhelming everything seemed when he first came here. He can’t imagine doing it on his own. “I’ve got a few mates that could ... for work or something.” He shrugs and Robert brightens again.

It makes Aaron look away, yammer on about if Robert’s any good at cleaning cars.

“Well I’m a mechanic so yeah.” Robert says, he folds his arms nervously and then uncrosses them. It makes Aaron smile for just a second, he thinks of Cain, thinks of oil and overalls. “Aaron, thanks.” He says his name and Aaron feels human for it, feels _seen_ for it. 

Aaron nods quickly, almost embarrassed. “I’ll ask around.” He slowly peels himself away from the wall. “How’d you get in every night?” He asks and Robert brings out a tie he’s got in his bag. 

“A tie?”

“I have this ...” Robert points to the crumbled shirt alongside the tie. “Human psychology.” He shrugs. “No one bats an eyelid when I go to the lifts.”

Aaron smirks slightly, the corners of his mouth raising and then falling when Robert looks at him.

“Well I’ve got work to be getting on with so just ... keep the noise down in here.” Aaron says, voice softer than he wanted it to come across. “Or you’ve gone, OK?”

Robert nods quickly. “Yeah. Yeah I promise.” He says, and there’s a sincerity there that makes Aaron feel queasy. 

“Oh.” Aaron brings a hand deep into his pocket and takes out the food he’s got stuffed in there. He pushes it towards Robert. “Here.” He says before walking towards the door and clicking it shut again.

He doesn’t stick around to hear another thank you. 

—

When he finishes the pointless hoovering of the place he watches the door for a few seconds. He hesitates, knowing that he should just pack up his stuff and go but he doesn’t. 

Instead he knocks again and comes through the door with a frown on his face. “I forgot to say, there’s no work here this week so ... it’s safe for you.”

Robert stops eating, looks up like he’s been caught off guard and Aaron wants the world to swallow him up. He scratches his eyebrow and then blinks. 

“But after that ... you’ll have to go. They’re redesigning all the rooms so it won’t be safe.” Aaron says, he bites at his lip when Robert nods at him. 

“I’ll be alright.” Robert says, but his eyes tell a different story. Aaron tells himself not to read into it but then he’s looking at the small book Robert’s got on the floor and frowning.

“What’s that?”

Aaron goes to lean down, pick it up but Robert swipes his hands forward and brings it towards his chest. 

“I was just ...”

“I don’t need conversations and ... pity OK. Just leave me.” There’s something clear in his voice that makes Aaron feel like an outsider.

“Suit yourself then.” Aaron leans back against it all, feels himself almost hit the wall and then he clears his throat and leaves.


	3. A start of a start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron finds himself making progress with Robert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again thanks for the commenting on this fic. I’m really glad people are enjoying it. There’s plenty more to come.

His flat is big enough to swing a cat in, maybe a small dog too but not at the same time. 

He has a small hole in the roof and his tap leaks in the bathroom but it’s his and he’s never had that before. He’s never known this before. 

He sits at the edge of the bed, plays with the hem of his shirt and thinks about the stupid things that came out his mouth in front of Robert. It makes him fall back on the bed with a hard thump, eyes closed. 

He’s never known loneliness like this before either.

—

He spends the next day completely on his own because Tracy has the day off and Philip is busy on the upper floors. He thinks of it better this way until he’s on a lunch break and faced with the prospect of striking up a conversation.

There’s a bench a few feet away from the hotel, it overlooks a small patch of grass but the weather means no one is around. Aaron’s fine with it until he watches someone come up towards him and his heart thumps.

“I’ve been trying to ring you.” Ed’s got a hand on his bag, wide alert eyes like he always has whenever Aaron’s around. He’s always been on the look out, always been waiting for Aaron to lose it or something. “I was worried.”

Aaron puts down his sandwich and frowns. “About what?” He shrugs. “I’m fine.”

“You’re ...” Ed blinks gently, he sits down next to Aaron and sighs. “How’s your flat?” 

Aaron twists his lip hard. “It’s alright, liveable. Don’t you have a train to catch?” 

Ed makes the mistake of putting his hand on Aaron’s and it makes everything inside hurt for a second. He feels this crashing weight, a wall being torn through when he’s so at peace with being alone now.

“I wanted to see you before I went.” Ed doesn’t take his hand away, instead he draws small circles and it makes Aaron state down at his feet. “Wanted to ...”

“We said everything.” Aaron doesn’t remember saying a lot, he remembers blurting things out and Ed looking at him like he’d just stamped on his heart. 

“I didn’t. I never said ...” Ed gulps. 

“I hold you back. I’ll _always_ hold you back.” Aaron says, and it isn’t just about Ed, it’s everyone and everything and it’s all down to him. “I don’t want that.”

Ed goes to speak again, but he doesn’t, instead his warm familiar hand is pulled away and replaced with nothing at all. It makes Aaron wrap his arms around his middle.

“Look after yourself OK?” Ed says, he has a hand on Aaron’s shoulder now and he squeezes down. “Aaron?”

Aaron looks up, feels like he’s losing this thread of himself somehow and it hurts but at least he’s in control of it. “I will. Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

He’ll be fine and so will Ed. He watches him lean down, kiss his cheek before he turns away ready to start a new life for himself.

—

There was a time in his life where the thought of watching the world go by was a sort of peace he never thought he could have. 

Now it claws away, leaves him empty with thoughts and thoughts and thoughts.

—

Aaron realised he missed noise two day after he moved out of Ed’s and bought his flat. 

He was eating by himself, the scrape of the fork hitting the plate and the boiler filling the room with this sense of nothing at all. 

He missed the noise of someone else. He missed the feel of someone next to him.

It’s when he started to miss home something painfully.

—

The sheets are white and crisp when he pulls them over the bed and pats it down with gusto. It’s his last room of the day and he can go home after this. The pillows are slammed messily on the bed and he stands back to look at it, thinks of how proud his mum could be of him.

He takes a picture, promises himself he’ll send it when he’s got the time, the space for her to make him miss home again. He’s not sure when that will be. 

He finishes up the room, locks it closed again and slips the keys to reception before going to get his coat. Only Alice has another job for him. 

”Lower floor?” He can only make it out from her sentence and he doesn’t know what she means until she repeats it. “I’ll go and find out.

He’s off after that, thumping down the stairs and standing by the door he knows Robert is behind. He doesn’t want to go in, thinks about slamming it and telling him to keep it down but something inside him relents. 

“Oi.” Aaron comes through the door, doesn’t even bother to knock and sees Robert has laid out a blanket, two pastries sitting neatly on either side.

Aaron just frowns at him when Robert stands to his feet awkwardly.

“I was hoping you’d ...”

“You’re making too much noise.” Aaron says. He sees that Robert’s pulled a table away from him, made a makeshift bed out of it near the window. “My boss asked me to see if we’ve got pigeons ... or squirrels, I can’t really understand—“

Aaron stops himself when Robert looks away and then sighs. 

“I’m sorry. I was just ...”

“Making noise.” Aaron shrugs and then leans away from him. “So stop.” He goes to turn away when Robert says something. 

“You don’t have to go.” Aaron looks over his shoulder, sees that he looks nervous. “I got you this ...” He looks down at a pain au chocolat sitting in a wrapping on the blanket. “To say sorry for snapping.”

Aaron looks back at the door, brings his head deep in his pocket. “I don’t think ...”

“I could do with some company.” 

The words stretch over Aaron’s heart and he doesn’t know why he can’t say no to him. He sits, watches Robert smile and suddenly can’t breathe.

—

“Where did you get this?” Aaron bites at the pastry and then swipes a hand over his mouth. 

“They were going spare at the cafe I’m working at.” Aaron wriggles an eyebrow in surprise. “Yeah, I got a job, well a trial period so.” He shrugs and Aaron nods.

“So you won’t be needing any of my help on that front.” 

Robert sighs. “I am capable you know.” Aaron looks away and then back again. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Aaron says. He’s been here, he’s known fear and wanted to make out he could do everything on his own.

Thinking of things like that makes him pity Ed. He never had a chance in the grand scheme of things.

“Must be hard. Being here on your own.” Aaron doesn’t know what he’s saying. The thoughts stumble out and Robert seems to accept them because he doesn’t shout him down. 

“It’s better than being there.” Robert says, he plays with his hands for a second. “Not wanted there.” He looks up and then down again. “Sorry I ...”

“You don’t need to keep saying sorry.” Aaron says quietly. “I get it.”

“What do you mean?”

Aaron hesitates. “Having to leave the place you know, start again.” Robert looks at him funny. “What?”

“I just thought you ... your family moved here or something.” Robert says. “You came here alone too?”

Aaron frowns. “Don’t I look old enough?”

“Not really.” Robert says and for the first time since he’s seen him, Robert laughs. 

“I just turned twenty one.” Aaron feels weird, feels this need to get up and leave and not continue but then Robert looks at him, says he’s twenty three and has absolutely no idea where he’s going in life. It sobers him, makes him feel less alone. 

Robert extends a hand out as he finishes speaking, he still looks nervous, like being around Aaron makes him nervous. 

Aaron shakes his hand slowly. “What’s this for?”

“Found my first friend in Paris right?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. He holds firm on the grip of Robert’s hand. “Yeah.”


	4. Bathroom tiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert attempts to take the plunge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In preparation for whatever tonight brings ... who am I kidding we know exactly what it’s going to bring: tears

Aaron’s eating a packet of crisps when he comes into work the next day and feels himself thump into someone as he gets through the door. 

“Oh so—" Aaron looks up and sees that it’s Robert, he’s got that tie on, hair swept up and he looks like he’s actually put together. It’s the first time Aaron’s seen him in the sunlight and his freckles are more scattered across his face than he realised.

“It’s you.” Robert pulls him close, steers his back towards the lifts and then stops. “Aaron, I need you to hide this.” He practically shoves his backpack into Aaron’s arms.

“What the fuck have you —"

“It’s just my stuff.” Robert says, “I can’t have it at the cafe, they already think I’m homeless.”

“Well you are.”

“Cheers.” 

Aaron bites his lip. “Fine.” He says, agrees without even really considering. “I’ll put it in your room.” Like he’s a paying guest. 

Robert squeezes Aaron’s arm for the smallest of seconds. “Honestly, thank you. So much.”

He needs to stop thanking him, doing those soft round eyes and making Aaron feel funny. He needs to stop that altogether.

—

He hides the bag no problem, but Alice is an annoying cow and thinks he’s got something to hide.

“What was in the bag you carrying?”

He wants to kick himself, then Robert for making her hang over him and speak broken English.

“Biscuits.”

“Amusing.”

“Also.” Aaron stands. “My business. Not yours.” He keeps his cool with it. Thinks of a her finding out who’s down there and that Aaron’s been helping a squatter.

He’s wiping windows and thinking about risks and responsibilities and the fact that he keeps finding himself compelled to help. 

The thought makes his throat close up.

He manages somehow to stay out of her way until she’s heading home at just gone four and he gets to breathe again. 

—

He slams hard on the door and this time Robert actually gets up to answer it, he’s got a shirt on, tie and everything like this morning and Aaron wants to call him a fraud but he doesn’t. 

“Don’t do that again.” Aaron says, his knuckles are white and then he releases grip when Robert frowns.

“I’m sorry, I panicked.”

“And I risked my job. Lying. For you.” Aaron points and shouts and then leans away. “I don’t even know _why_ I’m bothering.” 

Robert’s eyes flicker. “You’re right. You shouldn’t have to.” He looks down. “But I’m begging.”

“You’re begging.”

“I’ll do ... how can I ...”

Aaron looks at his face, his eyes, his mouth and then up towards his eyes again. “How are you with a hoover?” 

—

Robert’s older than Aaron is, he knows how to hoover and polish and don an apron without much help. He’s scrubbing away at a tile in one of the ground floor rooms when Aaron feels a tighten in his chest.

“You don’t need to do any more.”

Robert looks up, “Yeah I do. I need to at least _try_ and not feel like I’m a directionless homeless bloke in a foreign country.”

“And cleaning bathroom tiles does that?”

“It helps you.” Robert shrugs. “It’s the least I can do. Sorry for you getting into trouble.”

Aaron sits against the bath and sighs. “It was fine ... maybe I overreacted.”

“Maybe?”

“Yeah well I’m not used to having to look out for someone here.” Aaron blurts out and it sounds sadder than he wanted it to. He tries to take it back but it doesn’t come out right and he just stops himself. 

“Well we can look out for each other can’t we?” 

Aaron gulps. “We can?”

Robert drops the sponge he was using, his Adam’s apple bobs as he sits next to Aaron and the bath creaks. “Yeah. I reckon so.”

Aaron follows Robert’s eyes, watches as they skirt down and round towards the palm of Aaron’s upturned hand. 

Aaron lets Robert’s hand hover, watches it fall down into his for a second and then Robert stares at him like he’s asking for permission to do something. 

Aaron watches him close in, head nearing and mouth parted and then he pushes with his hand towards Robert’s chest and ends up resting his forehead against his for a second.

“I don’t ...”

“I’m sorry.” Robert pulls away quickly. Aaron pretends like it doesn’t matter when really he’s screaming inside, thinking about signs he’s seen and ones he’s missed. “I didn’t ... I thought ...”

“I’m ...”

“With someone?” Robert is flushed pink and gulps loud enough for Aaron to hear. “She’s lucky then.”

“Robert.”

“She isn’t homeless. Or ...”

“She ain’t real either. He ...” Aaron says. “It would be he.”

“Would be?” Robert asks. 

Aaron twists his lip, contemplates and worries and fears something almost every time he looks into Robert’s eyes.

He sees loss.

He can’t for the life of him see anything else, see anything but. 

“Is.” Aaron dips his head. “He’s gone to South Africa for a couple of weeks, he does rugby.” He shrugs, sees Robert’s face when he looks at him.

“Warning enough then.”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“I am.” Robert says, like he’s certain of it. “I’m sorry too.”

“For what?” Aaron brings his shoulders up straighter, pretends like nothing is wrong in the slightest. “Nothin’ happened.” 

Robert nods his head an inch and then tries to smile. “Yeah.” He says, then he’s standing again and Aaron can only stare at his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way: The next chapter is going to be longer if that’s your thing


	5. A liar lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron opens up but quickly realises his efforts are in vain

  
Aaron heats up a pan of soup, watches it simmer and bubble and he thinks of possibilities and how endless they could have been. He thinks about the room, the bath, the way everything stilled and relaxed for seconds and seconds.

He looks up, sees a picture of himself and Adam, both pulling faces and laughing.

He remembers so deeply the words and what Adam meant when he said them. 

_"Be happy.”_

He said.

_"Let people make you happy Aaron.” _

Is what he meant. 

Aaron shakes his head, tries to think of something else apart from how close things felt.

He does eventually, he’s sipping his soup and thinking about adding it to the list of things he somehow knows how to burn. 

—

Ed sends him pictures of his hotel room, says that the weather is making him miss Paris and then it’s easy for him to say he misses Aaron too. He drops it in and Aaron feels a punch of guilt for it until it fades away.

Ed’s living it up in South Africa whether he likes it or not. He’s having the time of his life and the team love him. He’s happy whether he wants to admit it or not.

Aaron swipes away from the pictures, closes his eyes and tries to forget any harm he could have caused him.

—

Aaron’s scrolling through his phone on his lunch break when Tracy attempts to strike up a conversation. She’s heavy handed with whatever she wants out of him and he can only stare up at her. 

“Am I meant to be engaging in this?”

She huffs, pulls on her striped jumper and sits next to him on the bench overlooking the park. He taps his foot in anticipation for her to speak again.

“I _said_, I heard that Ed left.” 

Aaron plays at the skin on his thumb. “He’s working.” He says. “So what?”

Tracy shrugs. “I was just ...”

“Just _what_?”

“You’re definitely over then.”

He supposes the renting of a flat miles away from him is enough to sum it up, that and the whole staying exactly where is when Ed’s on the other side of the world. 

Aaron gulps, taps his leg slower. “Yeah.”

She makes this sound, squeezes his shoulder and says something about them sticking together. He almost smiles at her, almost warms and then she mentions seeing him with someone yesterday.

And oh. That’s why she cares. 

“When?”

“At work yesterday.” She says, “Tall, blonde, smart looking. Is he ...”

Aaron starts tapping his foot again. “Don’t even remember him.”

“Well it seemed pretty intense to—“

He shrugs, rolls his eyes. “You really do read into everything.” He says, and then he’s standing up and leaving.

—

Robert has three days left until he needs to leave and Aaron skirts around the idea of bringing it up the next time he sees him. The moon is high in the sky tonight and Robert seems more withdrawn than he was the day before.

“Alright?”

“Yeah.” Robert says, he shrugs and then he pulls out something from his bag. There’s a bottle of whiskey in his hands a few minutes later. “Finishing this off.”

Aaron hangs by the door, sees how much is left. “That wise?”

“Maybe. Maybe not.” Robert says, he runs a hand over the side of his hair and plasters it down before shaking it. “Let’s see.” 

Aaron watches him for a few seconds and then sees that the sky is only growing darker, that really he should be getting back and not standing here pointlessly. He makes a move to turn and then sits opposite Robert instead.

“You not sharing it?”

Robert’s hand brushes past his when he leans away and gives Aaron the bottle. It makes Aaron stare and then look away like he hasn’t noticed.

The whiskey burns his throat and makes him wince and Robert’s mouth upturns.

“Let me guess, more of a beer man.” Robert says, he shows tongue as he bites and then swipes a hand across his mouth, leans back against the sofa he’s been calling a bed.

Aaron nods out something like a yes and then hands the bottle back.

“Yeah. My dad’s the same.” Robert sobers a little, frowns slightly as he speaks. “Hates anything ... different.” He reaches down, makes a grab for the whiskey again and then swigs it back like it’s apple juice.

“You missing him?” The question comes out and Aaron’s eyes widen as soon as it does. “Sorry, I just—“

“Just what?”

Aaron thinks of Paddy, sighs. “Just ... if he’s why you left I bet he still loves ya, whatever’s happened.”

Robert runs a hand against the other, scoffs. “I’m twenty three years old and I need to hear that.” He shakes his head and Aaron doesn’t know what to say, he can’t read him suddenly. “It ain’t true.” He sips again, shudders underneath something Aaron doesn’t know. 

“What isn’t?”

“He doesn’t love me. He shouldn’t anyway.”

Aaron frowns, something clicks. “Because you like blokes?”

The bottle hangs near the side of Robert’s mouth. “You don’t know — what you’re on about.”

Aaron feels this fire in his belly. “I think I do. I’ve been there, _trust_ me, I have, and if he’s being a dick then —“ Robert raises his head and Aaron gulps thickly. “I mean ...”

“I’m a bad person Aaron.” Robert twists the cap of the bottle with his hand and shudders. “You have no idea what I’ve done ... who I’ve hurt.”

Only Aaron sees it. He sees this pain and he can’t ignore it for some weird reason. 

“We’ve all hurt people.” Aaron brings his knees to his chest, holds tightly as he looks at Robert.

“Not like me.” Robert whispers, “Not the way I have.” He rubs a hand down his arm and looks at the busted window. 

Aaron reaches over, takes his jacket off and passes it to Robert. “Take it.” He says. “You’re ...”

“Got this thanks.” Robert waves the whiskey bottle and smiles faintly. “Don’t need anyone else.”

Aaron thinks about yesterday, the jacket hangs loose in his arms and he shudders. “Thought we were meant to be mates?”

Robert scoffs. “‘S not what you want though is it?”

Robert suddenly becomes the most difficult man Aaron’s ever spoke to. “I agreed didn’t I?”

“Be-begru—“

“Begrudgingly.” Aaron mutters. Robert nods his head up and down and then sighs. “You don’t know everything you know.” 

Robert gulps. “Correct.” He says sadly. “Don’t know how to make this right.”

“What right?”

“_This_.” Aaron hears him say as he points to his head and then pulls away slowly. “I’m a bad person.” He says again.

“No, you’re not.”

“You don’t even know me.”

It’s a point. It’s one that travels around Aaron’s head in circles like a firework waiting to explode.

“I know people do stuff they regret. I know what that feels like.” Aaron lets his knees fall and he sits up straighter. 

“You do?”

Aaron nods his head slowly. “It’s shit.”

Robert laughs, the sound feels the room with something over than melancholy. “So shit.” He says, then he looks at the bottle of whiskey again and sighs. “I wish things could be different.”

Aaron frowns. “How?”

“Wish I could just start over or something, instead of doing this. Working in some little cafe and sleeping in some rundown hotel room.”

“That takes time. You’ll get used to it, I have.”

“You. And Ed?”

Aaron looks away for a second. “Yeah.” He says. “I can even speak a bit of french as well.”

Robert brightens slightly. “You’ll have to teach me.” He says. 

Aaron nods sincerely. “I will.”

—

The sun fills the room when he wakes up, he has a hand over his middle and the other is stretched out. He feels a click to his neck, wants to push out against whatever’s uncomfortable and then he frowns.

His eyes are wide and heavy and then he’s leaning up and feeling the weight of someone next to him. Robert’s mouth is parted slightly and he looks at peace for the first time since Aaron’s seen him. 

Aaron stares at him, bites at his lip and his shoulders move as his realises that Robert has his arms around him. He feels safe like this until Robert’s eyes flicker open and he stares down at him. 

“Uh ...” Robert gulps hard and Aaron moves away, slips out of his hold and rises up so that he’s sitting up and rubbing his eyes. 

“You got the time?”

Robert fumbles around for a watch, reads it before mumbling something about it being just gone half six. 

“I should be going.” Aaron says, he goes to stand and the whiskey bottle clatters against the floor. He looks up at Robert and frowns. “I bet your head’s hurting.”

Robert looks around the room, nods as he gets up to his feet. “Yeah, that wasn’t the smartest idea.”

“Well I did say.”

“I remember you drinking some.”

Aaron frowns. “And I remember you telling me to stay and keep you company like you were a kid.” He blurts out and Robert’s eyes widen slightly. 

“I said ... that.” Robert says and then he scratches the side of his head. “It was late, I said it’s OK if you stayed here, that I wouldn’t ... mind.” 

Aaron nods, bites his lip. 

“God I must look like —“

“You don’t.” Aaron shrugs. “You look fine.”

He wants to throttle himself for the way Robert looks at him, eyebrow raised and a warmth to his smile. 

“As fine as someone with a hangover can be.” Aaron stammers before itching his eyebrow. 

Robert nods. “Well thanks for ... for staying.”

Aaron remembers laying down on the floor, barley touching and then a coldness in the air bringing them closer. He remembers not wanting to go anywhere. 

“Thanks for ... letting me.” Aaron’s sure he’s bright red, he brings his jacket around his middle and folds it over. When he looks up Robert is staring at him. “I ...”

“You should go then right.” Robert dips his head. “Ed will ... he’d be worried about you.”

Aaron feels this sudden tightness in his chest and he can’t get passed it. “No. He wouldn’t.”

Robert nods. “That’s ... OK then.” He sits back down on the sofa, plays with his hands for a second before looking up. “He’s in ... didn’t you say he was—“

Aaron huffs, his palms feel itchy and he thinks of that safety he felt. “Shut up about Ed.” He says, means it with a lot of himself. 

“Sorry. I didn’t ...”

“He wouldn’t be worried ‘cause we’re not even together anymore.” Aaron shrugs, shoulders stiff and awkward as he tries to speak, tries to read whatever Robert’s thinking.

“Why didn’t you just—“ Robert frowns. “Because I tried to ... because I tried to kiss you?”

There’s a damn pouring and Aaron doesn’t like the look on his face. “No. Yeah. But it wasn’t ...”

“I have to go to work.” Robert fumbles about, tries to get to the bathroom but Aaron follows him. 

“I didn’t ...”

Robert starts washing his face and Aaron sighs.

“You made out you were with someone for a reason Aaron.” He says his name and stares up at him. “So why?”

Aaron frowns. “Why are you so _angry_?”

“Why are you such a liar?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker into something sad and he gulps hard. “I’ll leave you to it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This really wasn’t meant to be slow burn but it sort of is? Idk. The next chapter is going to be up on Friday, coincidently my day of birth and also the day Ryan makes us cry.


	6. Lettre d'amour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron takes his initiative, Robert leaves the Hotel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let’s live in this land

Aaron remembers his first real argument with Ed. He’d been paranoid about one of Ed’s teammates wanting to know about him, he’d called him weird; dodgy even. 

And Ed, he’d tried his hardest to keep his feelings at bay until he just didn’t want to anymore. Until he was standing there, saying Aaron’s the only liar there is.

It made something collapse in his chest, it made him hurt and pity everyone around him.

It was a true, so honest and Ed’s massive arms and broad shoulders holding him in close as he tried to say sorry didn’t make a difference.

—

Aaron watches the door of the room for a second, kicks his foot against the peeling wall and wishes his words could be swallowed up completely. 

He wants to say sorry, that it had nothing to do with him. He wants to say something. He wants to quit remembering how they woke up so entangled.

Alice calling his name is the thing that gets him thinking of something else. 

Apparently they’re low on window wipes. 

—

The upper floors don’t take nearly as much time as usual. The guests have been cleaner or he’s been faster. Either way, he’s sitting staring at the landscape of the city and pretending to be working. 

He chews away at this thumb, stares out and watches people walk past. He sees a couple, the woman swinging her arms as the man kisses her hair.

He rolls his eyes instead of smiling.

—

Tracy’s birthday shouldn’t be a big thing and yet she makes it something grand. She’s been celebrating it for practically the whole week and now she’s tugging at Aaron’s arm and asking him to join her in some fancy bar.

“But we ain’t fancy.”

“We can be. We can pretend to be all Parisian and proper can’t we?” She’s got a furry shawl on, shaking her hips and clearly very much wanting to forget that she cleans in a just above average hotel. “Unless you’ve got anything better to do tonight?”

He tuts, huffs and sighs his way into a bar in town with soft furnishings and dark lightning and a dance floor in the middle with people shimmying to the music.

He looks at the time, thinks of whether or not Robert is back yet. His back is still aching from the night before and he doesn’t even understand why he choose to stay there instead of leaving. Then he thinks, thinks of how late it was and how Robert wanted him to. At the time it seemed enough.

“Are you just completely ignoring me?” Tracy tilts her head and Aaron pretends like he isn’t at all. He disappears into the crowd as more of her friends come and they sips sugary cocktails and click their heels about. “Have you got somewhere to be?”

He wants to say sorry to Robert. He wants to but he doesn’t at the exact same time. He doesn’t owe him anything, not a single thing. 

“No.” Aaron says, he fakes a smile and gets up on to the dance floor just to stick himself against the wall and watch them dance. 

Tracy’s stupid haired boyfriend makes an appearance too, he looks like he loves her and Aaron feels horrible for pretending like they weren’t serious. He watches until he almost feels numb for it.

“Drink?” A man is asking him, tilted head a smile on his face over the blue hazy lighting. He smiles wider when Aaron looks at him and then he waits, frown on his face slightly. 

“No, I’m good.” Aaron says, and then he’s attempting to speak some French to get him to understand. 

“Go have fun!” Tracy somehow finds him in the crowds, pinches his sides and points towards the man eyeing him up by the bar. “You’re a gay magnet.”

“Gay magnet?”

“Just get on another horse alright!” She’s drunk, very clearly drunk and yet he listens to her a little. He prompts himself up against the bar, turns and accepts that drink, ends up with guy’s hand down his boxers half an hour later until he doesn’t like it. 

He’s not seeing him. He’s seeing someone else. 

“No.” It’s easy, he understands that at least and he pulls away when Aaron tells him to. He doesn’t make it difficult, he just mumbles something and heads out again. 

Aaron’s left staring at himself in the mirror, wetting his face under the tap and shuddering at what he sees when he closes his eyes. 

He knows who he sees, he can’t get passed it and neither can his dick by the looks of it. He keeps staring at himself until the door goes and Tracy is standing there.

“Trace. This isn’t the ladi—“

“I just saw that fit fella go. Did you not like him?” Aaron goes to speak but she sighs, he twists his body slightly as she tries to lean in for a hug. “It’s him ain’t it?”

“Who?”

“Ed. You aren’t over him and that’s _fine_. Can’t get him out your head right?”

Aaron frowns. “Doesn’t matter.” He says, voice sober and sad and making the club mock him a little. “I think he hates me.” 

“Hates you? Don’t be _daft_.”

Aaron blinks. “He’s got good reason too though right? I’m a liar.”

Tracy hangs off his arm for a second and then looks at him through the mirror. “You’re lovely you. He’ll see that.”

He isn’t even sure she knows what she’s on about anymore but it doesn’t matter. He takes what he can take from it and nods.

“Come on, we’ve got at least another hour in us.” 

Aaron frowns. “We’ve got work tomorrow.”

Tracy shrugs. “They’re doing up the rooms downstairs.” Aaron gulps, looks down at his shoes. “Less work for us!” She tries to do a slut drop and nearly breaks her heel. 

Aaron carries her out and curses birthdays. 

—

Aaron thinks of time as something you can control if you work hard at it. He thinks of the fact that things happen and people do what they like really and you have to protect yourself from that. 

He has a dream about an empty room, it makes his heart thud hard and he looks around like he’s looking for _someone_. 

He wakes up thinking of pastries and whiskey and things said when they shouldn’t have been.

—

Tracy has a wobble to her step and a dodgy slur when Aaron sees her the next morning. She’s attempting to hang her coat and it keeps falling.

Aaron grabs it, hangs it up for her and then smirks. “Someone’s as fresh as a daisy.”

Tracy pulls her face, groans and then rubs a hand across her face. “Shut up. I’m fragile.” She rolls her eyes as Aaron starts looking for cleaning products. “Can’t say the same about you.”

Aaron twitches. “So I didn’t get completely wasted. That a bad thing?”

She has to mention the bloke, the one Aaron nearly got carried away with and Aaron recoils slightly. “See. Flaming Ed.”

“Not everything is about him you know.”

And it just makes her smirk. “Oh?”

“Oh nothing.” Aaron mumbles to himself and with that he’s turning towards the rooms.

He gets to the second floor when two decorators walks in, paint down their front and thick accents that make Aaron not even bother trying to translate. He doesn’t need to, doesn’t care until they’re mentioning the lower ground and he’s suddenly alert.

He blinks once, then twice and sees a piece of paper one of them is holding, “Lettre d'amour” one of them says before chuckling.

Love letter.

He holds it like it isn’t important, like it hardly means a thing and Aaron watches until he’s moving to leave and throwing it in the bin.

Aaron waits three seconds, hears the sound of their boots disappear before looking down.

—

He eats in a small cafe he knows, they know him. He’s the grumpy English one who doesn’t appreciate what this city offers. 

It’s not that he doesn’t. He remembers the tours with Ed, the secret gardens and the way everything settled in this magical when the moon lit up. He saw this space as new, beautiful, magical even.

Now it’s where he can’t bring himself to leave. 

—

The place is almost eerily quiet when he finishes his shift, Tracy’s ran back to hers with a headache and the decorators have packed up too.

He finds himself staring at the door, Robert’s door or not his door at all. Whatever way he wants to think about it really.

The door’s been sanded down and the number has been removed for now. Aaron’s hand balls into a tight fist as he opens it, pokes his head through and sees that everything is coveted in plastic sheets and the walls are now a soft lime colour.

There’s not a trace of him left.

Aaron puts a hand in his pocket, feels at the paper there and scrunches it into a ball before letting go.

—

The sky is a velvet navy colour as he leaves, his backpack slumps and he’s struggling to put his coat on against how bitter the weather is. 

For a second he stops, stares up at the twinkling of the sky and strains his eyes to hear the sound of a guitar being played in vain of the empty streets.

Then he looks up, sees a pair of legs swinging and a soft smile. 

—

Aaron’s throat closes up as soon as he gets to the roof of the hotel and sees Robert sitting and staring down at the street. 

“Are you m—"

“Not thinking of throwing myself off.” Robert says, he doesn’t look at Aaron, just keeps his head up towards the sky. “Missed seeing stars like this.” Robert finally looks over and Aaron frowns at him, comes closer. “Rarer here right, compared to Yorkshire.”

Aaron stares, feet almost frozen on the ground.

Aaron nods his head but Robert doesn’t see. “Yeah. I guess.” He looks down and then huffs. “You can’t be up here.”

“Neither can you.” Robert frowns, and then he’s smirking when Aaron rolls his eyes. “Yet you are.”

Aaron twitches slightly before he feels himself moving even closer, sitting cross legged and near the edge like Robert. He looks over at him and then away again. 

“Thought you’d gone.”

Robert nods. “I had. I have. I just ... stars are best up high aren’t they?” He blinks. “Besides ... I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

Aaron’s heart thumps a little. “Didn’t think you’d want to.” He rubs a hand over his knee and shudders against the cold. 

“Because of what I said?”

“Because of how you said it.” Aaron looks up at the sky and then down towards Robert again. His face shows how he feels in this way that Aaron absolutely hates.

He’s sorry.

“I didn’t mean to ...”

Aaron blinks gently. “I know.” He says, and there’s an ease to it as he looks at Robert and then feels in his pocket again. “Saw this. Was it the back up plan in case I didn’t happen to see you looking at stars?”

Robert laughs, it’s deep and powerful and makes Aaron’s insides flip. “Sort of.”

Aaron brings his tongue to his lips, licks and then smiles. “The star bit made sense then.” He says. “And the ... thank you.”

Robert nods. “I wanted you to know.” He says. “I was grateful even if ...”

“Even if I lied?”

Robert looks hurt again, looks like he’s been here before or something and it swoops through Aaron’s chest wildly. 

“Why?” Robert says, “Why couldn’t you just say.”

Aaron gulps. “It was easier.” He scratches his head. “I don’t ... don’t meet people like you a lot.”

Robert smirks.

“I meant people from home.” Aaron’s cheeks warm and then he clears his throat. “I just didn’t ... I’m not used to being close to someone.”

And he was. He slept next to him, felt his heart beating and his eyes flickering as he slept. He was close to him in ways he hasn’t been with someone for a long time.

“It was a lot.”

“What?”

“You. You idiot.” Aaron snaps and Robert scoffs. It makes Aaron huff. “I’ve only been with Ed here, shared everything with him you know?”

Robert pulls a face. “Moved here together?” Aaron nods. “How romantic.”

It wasn’t, the thought makes him feel rigid. 

“It wasn’t like that.” He says, he looks down and then out towards the scenery.

“You didn’t owe me an explanation.” Robert shudders slightly. “You didn’t owe me _anything_.”

Aaron blinks gently. “And yet?”

Robert closes his eyes and then smiles. “Yet you climbed up on a roof to say goodbye to me properly?”

He spins it, makes Aaron blush and shake his head. “Hate heights n’all.” He looks up and Robert is smirking at him. “What?”

“Nothing.” Robert looks up at the sky again. The stars are like crystals, clear and deeply encrusted into the blackness. Aaron hears Robert huff. “It’s amazing innit?”

Aaron’s never done this, sat on the top of a building at close to midnight in Paris to watch the stars twinkle. He nods, watches Robert watching the sky. “Yeah. It is.”

He’s forgotten the cold weather, the bite in the breeze and the way his legs feel numb now. 

“Should really make a wish.” Robert says, he leans towards Aaron slightly and then leans away again.

“You go first.” 

“Alright.” Robert shakes his head after a second.

“What?”

“I just ...” Robert bites his lip. “I’d wish you let me ki—“

Aaron pulls him closer, brings a hand up towards Robert’s face and kisses him. He gathers him close, hangs tight around him as he feels Robert react underneath it. 

He’s bringing a hand around Aaron, opening his mouth and Aaron moans against the way Robert has a hand to the back of his neck. It makes something tingle through him, makes his shoulders slump and this feeling rush through him. 

“Obtenir une chambre vous deux!”

Aaron pulls away abruptly to look down at some old man waving a stick at them. He’s still holding Robert by his coat and he puts his middle finger up at him until he’s walking away again.

“What was that for.”

Aaron’s mouth feels bruised as he goes to speak, levels his hands down towards his knees again. “Said get a room. Or a ruler. I’m shit.” 

Robert frowns. “No, you’re not.”

Aaron hates what it does to him, that sincerity, that honesty that’s laced all the way through everything Robert is. 

Robert goes to lean in, kiss him but Aaron catches at his nose, has a hand placed on Robert’s chest. “He had a point.”

Robert’s eyes flicker slightly. “I’ll look at any hostels nearby or —"

“Come to mine.” Aaron whispers, he curls a hand around the back of Robert’s neck and there’s a thump in his heart as he questions what he’s doing. 

“Aaron ...”

“You’ll sort things with your dad. I know it. But for now, until you do, can’t have you living on the streets can I?” Aaron blurts out, phrases it in a way that makes this easier.

_Don’t hold onto something you’ll have to let go. _

Robert closes his eyes and opens them for a second. “You sure?”

Aaron holds Robert’s hand down towards his groin. “I’m sure about a lot of things yeah?”

Robert kisses him, tilts Aaron’s head back and then pulls away again. “What we waiting for then?”

And Aaron goes with the feeling swirling inside of him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully a slight pick me up from tonight’s episode if that’s even possible. Be lucky it isn’t your birthday and he’s doing this to you. It’s painful. 
> 
> As always feedback is always appreciated.


	7. “It counts”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron basks in a new feeling until Robert tells him his darkest secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully after reading this chapter things are a lot clearer for peeps. How’s everyone coping with ... things lmao
> 
> I have no plans to abandon writing this so hopefully people still want to read, because that always makes it easier lol

  
Aaron’s panting hard, legs loose like jelly and the sound of people walking up and down the street filling the air alongside his breathing. 

Robert is below him, eyes closed but a hand falling into Aaron’s hair and making Aaron feel that feeling again, feel safe. It makes him kiss Robert’s bare chest, run a hand down his middle and settle there for a second. 

“You OK?” Robert asks, it makes Aaron feel warm and safe. He nods gently.

Aaron bites his lip, touches over a small graze on Robert’s shoulder. 

“Fell of my bike when I was five.”

Aaron laughs. “Idiot.”

“I was five. Emmerdale isn’t really the best ...”

Aaron’s touch slows down, he looks up at Robert. “Emmerdale?” Robert nods. “Lived near there, or my family do, the next village.” He pulls a face. “My mum could know ya.”

“Why? 

“She owns a pub, thinks the Woolpack is her rival or something.”

Robert breathes in. “Enemies then.” He blinks slowly. “Did you go to school with a Victoria?”

Aaron nods again lazily and then his eyes widen. “She your ...” Robert nods. “Small world.” He says, he pulls a face. 

“What?”

“Before I was out ....”

“Let me guess.”

Aaron has a hand over his mouth. “Don’t.” He cringes, shouts his eyes and Aaron kisses him.

—

Aaron pulls off Robert and sighs.

“I didn’t expect this.”

“Didn’t my dick let you know where abouts this could go?”

Robert scoffs. “I mean ... when I first saw ya.” 

Aaron smirks. “Yeah?” He isn’t looking up at him, just circling his finger into Robert’s ribs. “You bumped straight into me.” He tilts his head up. 

“You remember?”

Aaron looks up then, he nods and Robert still has a hand through his hair. “You ruined my work shirt. Couldn’t really forget that considering it was the only clean one I had.”

Robert looks like he’s deep in reflection, his hands fall out of Aaron’s hair and he gulps. “Sort of felt invisible back then.” He bites his lip and Aaron scoops his hand up to cup his face.

“Well you’re not now.” He says, because he knows what that is, he knows how lonely it can get. He knows and knows and he can’t help but want to take that away from Robert. 

Robert leans down, kisses his head. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Aaron says. “You’re here ain’t ya?”

Robert blinks. “I get to stay?”

“Think I’d kick you out after a shag?” Robert goes to speak and Aaron sits up. “I said you can stay for as long as you like and ... I meant it.”

Robert frowns. “The shag cemented the decision didn’t it?” 

Aaron smirks. “Hmm, I think I’ll need another investi—“

Robert pins him down, kisses his mouth over and over again and then lets his hands travel down until Aaron’s basically seeing those stars again. 

—

He traces the outline of Robert’s lips as he watches him sleep. He listens to a steady thud when a hand falls over Robert’s chest.

Aaron pulls away eventually, a shake to his legs still and this feeling rising inside him. Up and up and up.

—

“Aaron?” Robert whispers, and Aaron’s eyes flicker open. “Does your mum have a really loud voice?”

Aaron looks up from Robert’s chest. “Hmm?”

“Remember a woman coming into the pub, shouting about how we’re putting her out of business.”

Aaron groans.

“She was yanking a little boy with her.” 

Aaron’s eyes flicker. He feels a heaviness father in his chest and refuses to call without this could be, fate. 

“I was only a kid myself.” Robert says. “But I remember.” He says it with certainty and clarity and Aaron blinks out a smile.

—

Aaron wakes up to the sound of someone pottering around, that and the smell of coffee flowing through the small space. 

He smiles, and it scares him, the ease that comes with it. He pushes his face into his pillow and thinks about last night, the promises, the way he meant everything. 

He stares at the small rucksack Robert has and then watches him walk into the room. He’s wearing a red jumper of Aaron’s, hair ruffled and out of place and his black pants tight around him.

“Morning.”

Aaron’s throat feels sore from last night and he readily accepts the coffee before shuffling in the bed and watching Robert sit with him cautiously.

“You don’t mind about the jumper do you?”

Aaron scoffs. “You’ve already sort of moved in haven’t you?” The thought makes him gulp hard and Robert’s eyes dart. “I mean ...”

Robert pulls a face and lets Aaron know it’s alright. He smiles and then leans in to kiss Aaron. 

“If you count a rucksack.” 

Aaron frowns. “It’s counted.” He nods playfully as Robert stares at him. He reaches up, holds him by the chin. “Your coffee making skills are better than I thought.”

Robert looks proud. “Comes with the job.” He looks around the place. “Should mean this place shouldn’t be as messy as it is but —“

“Oi.” Aaron swipes out and Robert laughs. “Haven’t been here for long actually so ...” Robert looks serious and Aaron frowns. “What?”

“But you and Ed are definitely ...”

Aaron nods. “We were for a while.” He shrugs. “In the ways that mattered.” 

Robert crosses his legs over and strokes at Aaron’s hand. “His loss.”

Aaron scoffs. “You’re only saying that ‘cause of last night.” He rolls his eyes. 

“Well yeah. You were ...” Robert’s eyes are soft and filled with something it’s clear he can’t explain. 

Aaron reaches a hand out. “Yeah. So were you.”

Robert smiles, leans in for a kiss and Aaron does to before he turns his phone over and looks at the time. “I should be jumping in the shower or something actually.”

Robert frowns. “So should I actually.”

“Hmm. Whatever can we do about that.” Aaron’s already getting up, smiling as Robert leans into him. 

“Yep. Quite the conundrum.”

“Shut up.” Aaron yanks, and Robert follows.

After, Aaron’s more sweaty than the started and he’s rubbing a towel over his head when Robert stares at him.

“I know this is ... a lot.” Robert says, and it breaks something between them. “But I ... I couldn’t stay away from ya. I couldn’t stop thinking about you either so.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “You’re only human.”

“Aaron.”

Aaron comes towards him, has a hand on Robert’s hip. “Chill out. We don’t have to take this too seriously do we? We’re young, in Paris, just making the most of it until ...”

“Until I sort things out at home, yeah.”

“That is what you want right?”

Robert frowns. “It’d be easier to say I didn’t. But ... it’s complicated.”

Aaron drops his hand. “Fine.” He says gently. “You don’t have to explain.” He drums his hand against the table. “For what it’s worth though, families being difficult over who you are ... it’s ...”

Robert’s eyes widen. “I’m not ... gay.”

Aaron’s face falls, there’s a tightness in his chest and he doesn’t understand why he wants to help him so much. 

“I don’t fake how I feel for girls. I just ...”

“OK. It’s ...” Aaron scratches his head and Robert says he’s sorry for making it heavy. 

“You don’t have to say that.” He leans over again, has a hand over Robert’s as he leans up at kisses him. “I should be ...”

“Last night was amazing.” Robert blurts out. “That was smooth.”

Aaron scoffs, cheeks pink. “Yeah. So smooth.” He whispers before staring up at Robert. 

“I suppose I could ... we could ... do something later or —“

Aaron pulls a face as he gets to the door. “Sounds like a date to me.”

“Does it?”

“Is it?”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “Yeah. Yeah it is.”

—

He smiles at Alice and holds the door open for her. Apparently it’s enough to warrant a full investigation into why he’s ecstatic.

He must be, because he’s such a dick the rest of the time. It’s basically what everyone gets at, it’s what Tracy gets at most and he almost can’t help but be insulted.

“Someone’s done something.” Tracy frowns, observes this spring in his step he didn’t even know he had. 

He’s hoovering a hallway when she scares the life out of him and concludes that he’s shagged someone. 

“Any louder Trace.” Aaron mumbles, yanks out the plug and watches her follow him.

“I’m right?”

“You’re annoying.”

“And you’re ...” Tracy shakes jazz hands in front of him. “Happy.”

He relents for a second, sighs and indulges in whatever gossip she wants. “Yeah I did, so what?”

“You must like him then?” And apparently she’s known him long enough to being able to tell the difference between a mindless shag and something else.

Aaron muses on the thought for a second, thinks about it being more than something else in this scary way. 

“Yeah. So?”

“Like him as in he can do that to me in bed tonight or ... I want to snuggle up and watch a film with him?”

His eyes flicker and he suddenly doesn’t know what the right answer to that is. His mind says both, he nearly does and then she’s telling him if he wants both he’s really in trouble. 

He stays slumped against the wall as she walks away with a feather duster in hand. 

—

His mum calls him over his lunch break and he watches it ring out. He thinks of her excitement and whatever’s going on in her life. He wants to know, and yet he doesn’t.

He’d rather pretend that she’s only a street away from rather miles and miles and miles.

She sends him a text, a picture of her all dressed up going to some do with Genie. 

She looks so happy. He smiles. 

—

He sees Tracy just before he clocks off. She’s got a smile on her face despite looking tired after their shift and she asks if he has any plans tonight.

“I ... no.”

“Not with this mysterious lover?” 

Aaron huffs, says. “You just don’t know when to quit.”

“No.” Tracy says. “Is he fit?”

“No, he’s disgusting.” Aaron goes to grab his coat and then finds himself smiling. “He’s ... fit yeah.” He finds the smile staying and Tracy waves her hands up and shimmies. “What?”

“You. All happy. Long may it last.”

But that’s the thing. It won’t. 

—

He doesn’t get back until after nine and he expects Robert to be there but he isn’t. He’s alone and he settles into it again, tries not to think about the shit Tracy was talking.

He remembers smiling when she smiled, enjoying the feeling of whatever it was that he felt and now it’s left him cold, scared shitless.

The bed’s still a mess and he starts tugging at corners, ignoring how it smells of him. He’s half way done by the time Robert comes through the door with a box of pastries and a tired smile on his face.

“Alright?” Aaron clears his throat, hardens himself slightly when Robert comes towards him and kisses him. He tries to make it into something else, tugs at his shirt until Robert moves away laughing.

“I thought we had a date?”

Aaron frowns. “It’s nearly ten.” He folds his arms over. “Anyway ... we don’t need to do all that do we? It’s not like we’re dating or ...”

Robert’s face falls slightly and he nods, places the box down on the tiny table Aaron has in his kitchen. He rounds the room and then leans against the counter.

”Thanks for those.” Aaron says, he drums a hand against the wall and looks at the box before closing in around Robert. “I’ve got some ... eggs in the fridge if you want to whip yourself up something or ...”

Robert smiles, it doesn’t meet his eyes and Aaron doesn’t want to think about why. “Yeah. Could do pancakes. You got any bacon?”

Aaron nods, and they end up getting everything everywhere because the place is so tiny. Robert helps him flip them, stands behind him and everything just so he can kiss at his neck and distract him.

“You’re so fucking annoying.”

“Oi. I’m making you pancakes.” Robert says, and he swipes a hand over Robert’s cheek so he’s got flour over him. “Be grateful.”

Aaron rolls his eyes, feels Robert stroking his shoulder and then his arm and just being close. He frowns under how much he’s aware of it, how much it means.

“You got a laptop?” Robert asks. They’ve plated up, Aaron’s grabbing cutlery and glasses and he turns to nod. “We need to watch ...”

And the rest dies out after that. Aaron freezes underneath it, makes a small sound that catches in his throat and spends half the movie on his phone. 

“You not liking it?” Robert asks, he has a hand stretched out and closing Aaron in towards him. He looks down and Aaron looks up before leaning in and kissing him hard. 

Robert hesitates for the smallest of seconds before he’s leaning down and unbuckling Aaron’s belt. His hand slips in close and Aaron pants hard, head rested in Robert’s neck as he tugs and moans. 

Minutes later, Robert is bright red and Aaron’s shaky but he doesn’t want to stop here. He can’t.

“Bed.” Aaron mumbles, grabbing Robert’s hand and abandoning the film completely.

—

He passed out for a second, or he’s just so tired he falls asleep but when he wakes up he’s alone and his legs still feel like jelly. He’s got a small bite mark on his shoulder and he rolls a hand over it delicately before smiling to himself. 

He remembers pulling Robert in for more, making his toes curl and their panting filling the room. 

Now he can’t hear anything. He sits up slowly, runs a hand through his hair and wonders if the intensity scared him off. He hasn’t asked about anyone else, how experienced Robert is, but he’s older and it’s not like he shows if he hasn’t been with many men before.

Aaron itches his stubble. Then stops as he hears the sound of Robert speaking to someone. 

“I know ... I’m sorry. Don’t you think I’m sorry?” 

Aaron gets up, uneasy on his feet and stretching down to find his boxers and a jumper. He goes towards the door, watches Robert slumped against the battered sofa in the living room and feels his heart thump.

“Dad, please listen to me.”

There’s silence again and Robert sniffles, a hand through his hair that stops when he speaks again. 

“Dad?” He brings the phone away from his ear and then throws it down on the sofa again. He looks up eventually, and Aaron’s still standing frozen.

“You alright?”

Robert wipes at his face and sniffles again. “Me? Yeah fine, just ... thought you were asleep?”

Aaron scratches his bare shoulder, comes to sit on the table in front of the sofa so he can look at Robert. “What was that about?”

“Nothing.” Robert shrugs. “You know you passed out for a second when you ca—“

“Robert.” Aaron looks at him, this feeling of wanting to protect races through him and he leans close. “Your dad right? It was your dad.”

Robert nods his head slowly and Aaron sighs. 

“You don’t have to keep apologising for who you are, who you like.” Aaron says, he goes to cup Robert’s face and then he shakes his head. “You’re not a bad person for ...”

“I am.” Robert says, he bounces his knee and then stops. “And I can’t go back. I want to but ... I don’t deserve to ...”

“Because you like blokes? Because of what we just did?” Aaron tries to smile. “I thought it was pretty amazing.” He blurts out and then he looks away.

“It was.” Robert whispers, he plays with his hands. “I can make you pass out I’m so good.”

Aaron scoffs. “It was for a second or ...”

“Let’s try again.” Robert says, and Aaron’s eyes widen under how he looks at him, how he’s almost instantly lost in it all. Robert’s mouth opens and comes towards Aaron’s, they kiss for a second and Aaron moans before his brain kicks in and he pushes at his chest. 

“Robert, no. What’s wrong?”

Robert goes to stand but Aaron holds his wrist and shakes his head. “You don’t want to know.”

“Try me.”

“No.” Robert says. 

“You’re not alone here.” Aaron’s saying, and maybe it’s going against how deep he wanted this to go but he holds Robert’s shoulder and squeezes.

It makes Robert’s shoulders slump and he sits down on the sofa again, he shakes his head and gulps. “I can’t go back because ...”

Aaron nods.

“There was an accident Aaron. I didn’t mean ... someone died. Someone died ‘cause of me. I killed them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to go with Aaron knowing of the family, knowing of Vic from school, mainly because I’ve written a story very similar before and I think the coincidence is sometimes a little too crazy. 
> 
> Also, just to clear things up any further if anyone is baffled: the timelines of the stories, why both Aaron and Robert left, are true to canon. However I’ve merged them together so that they both coexist in the same time frame (with exceptions where they cross over like Vic where she’d have to be aged up) Sorry if this is so confusing I can’t stand logistics. 
> 
> Any other questions let me know. And also, comments/feedback as always is appreciated!


	8. The many things I keep inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron sees Robert in a new light

Aaron’s legs are numb from the way he’s sitting and he goes to move them down when Robert buries his head in his hands and shudders. 

“Just go. I shouldn’t have ...”

“No.” Aaron says, he blurts the word out and leans in. “You can tell me.”

“Can I?” 

Aaron thinks about the caution they’ve both had with each other, how sex is sex and it doesn’t mean that Robert thinks they’re only closer than they were when he first met him. 

He leans closer, has a small nod to his head. “I didn’t tell anyone about you squatting did I? I’m no grass Robert.”

“This is different.”

Aaron bows his head. “How different?”

Robert runs a hand over his face. “I was stupid, I was an _idiot_. Me and my brother were fighting.”

Aaron frowns. “All brothers do.”

”Not all brothers fall for their brother’s girlfriend. Wife.” Robert rubs a hand over his face. “Has an affair.” He doesn’t look up, Aaron just sort of stares at him and wishes he could look at him differently, think of him as some dirty cheat and nothing else. He can’t. He just can’t.

“We were ... never the same after he found out and ... I just lost it. I headed straight for his car and ... I had someone with me. Max. He tried to stop me but he couldn’t.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “So your brother ...”

“No.” Robert says quickly. “No I got him out before it was too late but ... I couldn’t save Max. I had to choose, it wasn’t a choice. Andy’s my _brother_.” 

Aaron gulps thickly. “OK.” He whispers, he leans close again and Robert leans back.

“It isn’t.”

“I just mean ...” Aaron runs a hand over his thigh and hates how awful he is at this.

“I killed someone. I just told you I fucking killed someone Aaron.”

Aaron hasn’t seen him like this before and it courses through him, leaves him determined and angry. “It wasn’t like you meant to.  You said it was an accident?” Aaron freezes for a second. “Do the police know?”

Robert shakes his head. “No.” He says, his leg bounces. “No, my dad covered it up, he covered it all up but he _hates_ me Aaron.”

Aaron twists at his lip. 

“He keeps saying I should stay away, not even think of coming back.”

“You don’t need his permission. He don’t run your village does he?”

Robert closes his eyes. “It’s complicated, I can’t just _go back_ now.”

Aaron squeezes at his knee. “I saw that book you had before, it was on the chair in my room. I heard you reading some last night.” Robert looks away. “Is it from home?”

Robert sighs hard so that his shoulders sag. “It’s my mum’s.” He says. “Was.” 

Aaron’s hand slips away and he shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Robert says.

”You read it ‘cause you want to go home. Don’t ya?”

”I can’t.”  


“You didn’t mean to —“

“I’m to blame.” Robert breathes out deeply. “My dad’s right ... I’m a waste of —“

Aaron cups his face. “_Don’t_ say that.” He doesn’t know what he’s doing but he knows he can’t stop this. He feels himself almost vibrating with this need to make Robert stop being so horrible about himself. “It was an accident.” He whispers. “Your dad ... he’ll know that in time and —“

Robert looks up at Aaron, he looks lost, completely and utterly lost and Aaron can’t help what he does. He brings his arms close, wraps them around Robert tightly and hears him breath hard against his shoulder.

“Just give him time ...”

“To what?” Robert mumbles, voice tight as Aaron holds him. 

“To stop being angry at you being reckless.” He thinks of his mum, Paddy, _Cain_. They’d all probably send him away for a bit to clear his head too. 

He feels angry at the same time though, thinks of a dad sending their son away without any help at all. 

Robert pulls away slowly, and Aaron sees him. He doesn’t know where to look, what to do until Robert has a hand in his. 

“This isn’t your problem.” Robert says. 

“It’s not a problem.” Aaron frowns and Robert stands suddenly. “Robert?”

“I don’t think you get it.” Robert says, “What I’ve done.” He shakes his head and grabs his coat.

“Where are you—“

The door shuts and Aaron wraps his arms around himself. He feels cold against whatever this is, a loneliness that he doesn’t want. 

He knows what he wants. It takes a few seconds for him to be out the door following the idiot.

—

Robert doesn’t get far, he’s sitting on a bench just across from his flat and he’s bouncing his leg up and down.

“You’re freezing.” Aaron says, he’s watching Robert and then sighing when he ignores him. “Are you going to let me help ya?”

“Why?” Robert springs his head up. “You hardly know me, and now all you know is that I’m the reason someone’s _dead_.”

Aaron settles down alongside Robert, stares up at the blackness of the sky. “It’s not all you are.”

“How would you know?” Aaron looks at him. “All I’ve been is homeless and —“

“Would you stop putting yourself down? It’s boring.” Aaron says. Robert goes to stand and he grabs hold of his arm to stop him. “I’m sorry I ...” He shudders. “Don’t go because of what you told me.”

Robert looks like he’s just been struck by lightning. “You _want_ me to stay?”

It makes it sound heavy, it’s sticky and thick with something and Aaron shrugs again. 

“Where else would you go? Hmm?”

Robert blinks. “You’re mad.”

“Maybe.” Aaron scoots closer and there’s a silence between them for a few minutes before Aaron sighs. “It’ll get —“

“Don’t say that.” Robert waves a hand out. “You have no idea how it —“

“Robert ...”

“How it feels to be the reason —“ Robert stands again, he’s whispering but it takes over everything around them as he speaks. “To have someone’s death on your ...”

“It feels like you shouldn’t be happy ever again.” Aaron says. He keeps to where he is, hands deep in his pockets and head bowed. “Like whatever you do isn’t enough to put things right. Like your whole world is ... is all about that _one_ thing you did.”

Robert stills, Aaron can’t bring himself to look up. 

“I know.” Aaron feels it pouring out and it’s uncontrollable, this need to make Robert not feel alone is going to be the death of him. 

Robert shudders, sits down next to Aaron again. “You ...”

“Bit different.” Aaron whispers, and he isn’t sure how he’s able to do this but Robert’s here making things feel safe. “My boyfriend ... he had an accident and I blamed myself for causing it. He survived, but he was ... he couldn’t move ... he was _stuck_ and he hated it so I helped him ... you know ...”

He can’t remember the last time he’s done this, explained, bought himself back to that room and that time and what he did.

”And it’s all you think about. Plays on your mind. They said I wasn’t guilty but I was — am. I don’t know.” Aaron shakes his head. “What I do know it gets better.” Aaron says, he nods a little to himself and then expects Robert to get up, leave, unburden himself from even more shit he doesn’t have to deal with.

He doesn’t expect a hand in his. 

He doesn’t expect to feel what he does when it rests there.

—

Robert’s eyes are wide and gentle and filling with tears as Aaron strokes his arm gently.

“I don’t deserve this.” Robert whispers, he keeps looking at Aaron as if this means more than he can say. “You. I don’t ...”

“Up to me decide.” 

Robert sniffs, he grows colder in Aaron’s grip and it makes Aaron move closer. His hands are wrapped around him even tighter.

“I’m not the best with ... comforting.” Aaron blurts out, scared of whatever is swirling around inside him. 

Robert pulls back. “You’re more than alright.” He almost smiles and then he dips his head. “I’m sorry about your boyfriend.”

Something catches in his throat and he strokes a hand through Robert’s hair. “Jackson.” He can’t remember the last time he said his name aloud. 

“Is he why you ... left?”

Aaron thinks of Jackson’s grave constantly in his face there and he wishes it was why left. Then he thinks of smoke and fire and Adam. 

“Sort of.”

“Then Ed swept you off your feet?”

Aaron’s nose crinkles. “Something like that.”

Robert looks up. “Then I tried to.”

Aaron feels a massive _swoop_ in his chest. He smiles a little and then he kisses Robert’s head. 

“Before I went and told you ...”

“Hasn’t changed how I see you.” Robert looks at him like he’s mad. “Still the boy who bought me pastries.”

Robert’s eyes flicker and he squeezes closer towards Aaron. 

—

Aaron watches Robert reading, hangs by the door the next morning and smiles faintly before stopping himself when Robert looks up.

“Hey.” Aaron brings a coffee towards Robert and then sits on the edge of the bed. “Thought you might need this.”

Robert smiles. “Thanks.” 

“It’s just the cheapest coffee I could f—“

“For letting me stay.” Robert says. He puts the book down and Aaron crosses his legs over to look at him better. “I could have taken the sofa.” He shrugs. 

But he didn’t. They ended up spooning and Aaron can’t remember the last time he did that. 

Ed was like a bear, taking up all the space and leaving Aaron near the edge of the bed. An elbow would usually make Ed roll back and Aaron would sleep on his chest until his arms and legs sprawled out again. 

“I didn’t want that.” Aaron says. He tries to convey what he wants by looking into Robert’s eyes.

“I must really be good at sex you know.” 

Aaron blushes, clears his throat and then comes closer so that he’s leaning against Robert. “You make good pancakes too.”

Robert nods against Aaron, then Aaron feels a faint kiss pressed to his hair and he closes his eyes around it. 

“I also made you pass out for a second last night so —“

Aaron elbows him. “Will you ever shut up about that?” 

Robert frowns, says, “Never.” 

It makes Aaron’s stomach churn. 

It stops when Robert pulls him down underneath the covers just to stare at him, his hands find comfort on Aaron’s face and he smiles faintly.

“I get them now.” Robert whispers, his eyes scan down to faint scars over Aaron’s stomach and chest. 

Aaron freezes slightly. “I don’t do it anymore.” 

“OK.” Robert whispers gently. 

Aaron doesn’t know what he expected but it was more than that, it was Robert making a fuss and asking if he needs help. 

“I’ve been thinking you know.” Robert whispers, a hand over Aaron’s chest. 

“Dangerous.”

Robert smiles, then sighs after a second or so. “I’ll keep trying with my dad. Make him understand that I ... I’m sorry.” Aaron nods along. “But in the meantime ...”

Aaron sits up. “Yeah?”

Robert blinks out. “I’m all yours.” He says. “And you, my first friend in Paris, are responsible for showing me all the great things it’s got to offer.” 

Aaron’s heart slows and then thumps and he brings a kiss to Robert’s mouth, thinks about how this is mapped out and he can work with it.

”You still want ...” 

Aaron nods his head. “I still want ...” He goes to kiss again and Robert pulls away. 

“I meant activities _outside_ of this bedroom.” 

Aaron nods. “It’s a Saturday. First we can start in here ...” His body moves down, past Robert’s hips until he’s looking up at him through the duvet again. “Then work our way around the city.” 

He takes hold of Robert, watches the man tense and then sigh.

“Yeah?”

“_Yes_.”

“Sounds like a plan then.” Aaron mumbles, before he’s disappearing under the duvet again and taking Robert into his mouth.

Everything else seems to fall away until Robert is jumping into the shower and Aaron’s sure there’s a constant clock ticking away in his mind telling him to stop feeling what he’s feeling. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. I wrote this chapter before watching yesterday and if I’m honest motivation has sort of dipped down to not a lot at all in terms of writing. I’m really hoping it comes back soon but in the meantime I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Comments and kudos or whatever really do make the world of difference and I think I can speak for all writers at the moment when I say they are great motivators!


	9. Tourism at its finest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron shows Robert around the city

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A massive thank you to everyone who commented on the last chapter, it was a big help. I have plans for this fic that I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> This chapter’s all types of softness and fluff, enjoy!

  
“What do you mean you don’t know a lot of good places?” 

Robert is a typical tourist and Aaron typically hates it. He’s got his rucksack on and he’s wearing one of Aaron’s hats like the sun is in his eyes when the sky is really grey and murky. 

“I’m not a tour guide.” Aaron shrugs, he keeps his hand in his pocket and looks around the square. 

Robert frowns. “And how long have you lived here again?”

Aaron kicks the ground. “Only like ... nearly two years.” He shrugs awkwardly again and Robert shakes his head. “What? I do work you know, have done since I came here.”

Robert looks around dramatically. “This place is ...”

“If you say something like steeped in history you’re never seeing me naked again.”

Robert keeps his mouth firmly shut.

“What do you want to see?”

They end up in some art museum Aaron’s never heard of. He just knows it isn’t the one with Mona Lisa in it and he’s proud of himself until Robert tells him to name what the place is called and he tells him to piss off.

Robert has his phone out, taking pictures and he only looks at Aaron to grab his hands and show him one.

“Look at this one.” Robert looks up and Aaron just stares at swirls of blue and yellow. 

“Looks like blobs to me.”

Robert keeps staring and Aaron wants to know what’s so wonderful. “Looks like a lot more than that, just have to look hard enough.”

Aaron does for a second, almost gets caught up in whatever it is Robert is doing and then he’s being pulled away to look at another picture. 

Robert’s hand is in his when they get to the exit again. The brightness of the sky makes Aaron squint, look away, look back down to the way their hands are together. He blushes faintly, loosens the grip until Robert’s hands are beside him again. 

“Right. Where to next?”

—

Aaron feels like his feet are going to fall off by the time they make it to a bench overlooking the twinkling lights of a museum. 

Everything is closing now and there’s not really much point to still being out but Robert seems to like the idea of sitting and staring.

He seems to like peace, the idea of being able to think and feel and not be rushed.

It makes Aaron think back to how important that was for him too, how he needed that in every single way possible once. 

“This place is ...”

“Old.” Aaron itches the back of his neck, frowns and says, “What?” 

Robert is shaking his head at him, tutting. “I was going to say ... magical.”

“I’m going to be sick.” 

Robert laughs, brings a hand out pinch Aaron’s side before Aaron leans away in protest. A couple walk past them, hand in hand and kissing. The woman has a bouquet of flowers and this grin on her face as she leans away and puts her head in the man’s shoulder.

“Yep. Definitely going to be sick.”

Robert shakes his head again. 

“What?”

“This place ...” Robert looks around. “Practically built on romance wasn’t it?”

Aaron pulls a face, brings his knees up towards his chest. Robert shoots closer towards him, an arm falls easily and brings Aaron in a little more.

“You hate all that?” 

Aaron thinks about it for a second, maybe in the grand scheme of things he thinks it’s all a load of bullshit. “Never thought of this place like that.”

Robert frowns. “Not even when you moved here with your boyfriend?” 

Aaron remembers sobbing, heart thudding, Adam telling him he’s sorry and him telling his mum he’s sorry too. He remembers being sorry more than being happy.

But that was a natural feeling.

“Aaron?”

“What? Yeah. Well, Ed came — he came for work didn’t he? Not really the most romantic thing to move here for is it?” Aaron rubs hands over his knees in an effort to keep warm, keep cool at the same time. 

Robert nods along before he cranes his neck. “What’s down there?” He asks, and Aaron rolls his eyes when Robert gets up and goes to see. 

He’s got Aaron walking for what feels like another mile when he finally comes to a stop and stares up at a little outdoor patio bar hidden amongst the trees. 

Before Aaron can say anything, Robert is attempting to ask for two beers and they’re sitting surrounded by fairy lights and absolutely no one else. 

“Never even knew this place existed.” 

Robert scoffs. “You must walk around here with your eyes shut.”

And yeah, in many ways he probably does. The thought makes him nod his head and he’s only smiling again when Robert is sipping a beer and looking around like he’s still in awe.

“What?” Robert asks, but Aaron’s already pretending like it’s nothing at all. 

He sips at his beer slowly, feels the wind pick up slightly and then looks back at Robert. “You look ... more relaxed. Most relaxed I’ve ever seen you anyway.”

Robert blinks, brings his beer bottle down. “Considering what I was like last night.” 

Aaron sighs. “That was understandable.”

Robert looks at him. “You didn’t have to ... stick by me.” He says. “You could have chucked me out, I wouldn’t have blam—“

“You made a mistake.” Aaron pushes out. “And you just ... you want to go back and ... put things right. I get that.“

Robert tilts his head. “Why you so nice to me?” He whispers, this wave of sincerity hitting Aaron and making his heart thud.

Aaron shrugs. “Because despite what you think, you’re not a bad person Robert.” 

Robert’s eyes flicker. “And I made you pass out?” 

Aaron makes to get up and leave before Robert drags him back down and kisses him. It’s unexpected. It cements something that makes Aaron smile and feel so utterly afraid he wants Robert to completely disappear.

He doesn’t. He leans away, sips his beer and stares up at the sky again.

—

Robert slips his hand into Aaron’s with ease, it just falls there and he only jumps back slightly when someone walks past and laughs. 

“Hey.” Aaron stops them, he doesn’t know why he feels this need to thump the idiot who laughed over the head but it’s everywhere. “Don’t listen to him.”

Robert’s eyes soften into something and Aaron holds him by his arm. “Sometimes I forget ...”

”People are arsehole’s?” 

Robert’s nose crinkles. “That I’m the ... different one.”

Aaron shrugs. “So am I then.” He smiles gently. “But I don’t care.” He bites his lip. “You shouldn’t either.” He holds his arm a little tighter and Robert looks at him like he’s suddenly determined.

Robert breathes in deeply and then leans in to cup Aaron’s face. He kisses him, swoops in and makes Aaron raise on his tiptoes like they’re in a film or something.  


Aaron pulls away with a smile on his face, it won’t budge.  


“Kissing you is ... good.” Robert bites his lip. “In front of ...” He looks around and a couple walk past. “Whoever. I don’t care.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he holds Robert by the waist. “I’m glad.” He nods. “Because you’re pretty decent at it.”

”I am?”   
  
Aaron’s blush rises and he blinks. “Shut up.” He says, and then he does what he never really does. He grabs Robert’s hand, squeezes and pulls him down the street. 

—

Aaron hangs by the door to see Robert reading again when they get back. His hair is wet from a shower and he runs a towel through it before slumping next to Robert.

“You’re wet.”

Aaron looks up at him and then sighs, getting the towel and rubbing harder over his head. 

Robert keeps reading, deep concentration on his face until he looks up and frowns. “Do you want the light off? Sorry I didn’t ...”

Aaron goes to say no when there’s this pull of something in his chest. He carefully leans in and kisses Robert, pulls back to see his face and then leans in again. 

“Yeah, you can turn it off.”

Robert smiles into another kiss and then he’s reaching down, pulling Aaron closer and flipping him on to his back. 

—

Aaron’s bone tired. He closes his eyes and breathes in against Robert before pulling the covers over them both and sighing.

“Thanks ... for today.” Robert says. “Showing me around and everything.”

Aaron nods against Robert’s chest. “You just said thanks.”

“Is that how it’s going to be? You show me the city and I say thanks by giving you sex?”

Aaron smiles. “Pretty much.”

Robert shuffles down in the bed, kisses Aaron’s hair. Aaron wishes he wouldn’t. He goes to say it when Robert leans over and gets the book back in his hands. 

“You really going back to reading?”

Robert smiles. “Sort of a habit.” 

“You do it all the time?”

Robert nods.

“You the slowest reader of all time then?”

Robert goes to speak and then he places it down, slides underneath the covers and holds Aaron close. “Prefer this.” He whispers.

Aaron’s eyes widen against the words. _For now_, he thinks before he relaxes again.


	10. An unfortunately lovely routine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron realises he misses Robert when he goes back to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels like I haven’t updated in ages. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

  
Aaron doesn’t want to go into work come Monday. It’s seven in the morning and Robert’s already in the shower getting ready for his shift.

Somehow they manage to both leave on time, Robert having made Aaron a slice of toast for him and Aaron having ironed out Robert’s apron. 

“So I’ll see you later then?” Robert says, there’s this dip in the road where they both go in opposite directions and they stand staring at each other.

“Yeah.” Aaron says, he nods and then Robert smiles. He leans in, goes to kiss Aaron’s cheek and then Aaron kisses him on the mouth, holds him by his coat and rises on his tiptoes. 

“Bye.” Aaron watches Robert turn, go, feels his lips tingle and knows he’d prefer that than some wet domestic kiss on the cheek. 

He watches him until he disappears round a corner and then he turns the other way.

—

The room is even more of a mess than usual. It’s the biggest one in the hotel and Alice calls it the Honeymoon suite despite that not being its official title. 

He’s wiping down windows and muttering under his breath when Tracy comes in with towels for the bathroom. 

“God, what happened in here?”

Aaron shrugs. “Sort of don’t want to know.” He says, he peels himself away from the window and squints under the light of the sun. 

“Sort of what you were getting up to this weekend then?” And she points, right to the hickey he’s sporting on his neck. 

He quickly turns and it only makes her laugh.

“Had fun then did we?” 

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Maybe.” He sighs, takes the towels from her and then goes towards the bathroom. He expects her to have disappeared when he comes back in but she’s still sitting on the bed with a smile on her face. “What?”

“Do I get his name?”

Aaron hesitates, debates, then says no with his eyes and she sighs.

“So he really is just a rebound then.” She goes to stand and he feels the thought get almost stuck in his throat.

“It ain’t like that.”

“What’s it like then?” 

Aaron thinks for a second. “We’re just ... having fun, making the most of things.” He shrugs and Tracy smiles.

“You _like_ him.”

“Are you _five_?”

Tracy gets to the door, shakes her head at him. “No. I’m just _not_ blind.” She says, admit it, she wants to say, he can tell.

She doesn’t though, she goes, leaves and he gets back to working on the windows. There’s a guy running after some girl, squeezing her waist and catching her by surprise. She hugs him, kisses him.

Aaron finds himself smiling.

—

He goes to the same cafe he always does. Only this time he says thanks when they give him his baguette and it nearly makes the cashier fall over.

“‘M not a grump.” Aaron says, he’s mastered saying it in French now. “Cheers.” He says as she passes him a coffee. “I’ll sit outside?” He says it as a question, watches her look surprised again.

He usually sits the corner, near the kitchens with his head in his phone come rain or shine. He likes the solitude.

“Nice day.” He says, shrugs and pushes the door open so that he’s sitting at a little table and seeing the sun poke out. The sky is a pale blue colour, desperately trying ro shine through the clouds.

He tilts his head back to look up, just sit and stare. It lasts all of two seconds before his phone is ringing and he sees that it’s his mum. He fights down the need to ignore, picks it up and smiles when she speaks.

“Hi mum.” Aaron says, shoulders relaxing a little.

“Just checking how you are?”

“Still a free man don’t worry.”

Chas scoffs. “Joking? Must be in a good mood."

Aaron closes his eyes and hears the sound of a water fountain, a child laughing too. “Can’t complain.” He says as he sits up. “Things are good.”

“With work?”

“No. It’s not that ...”

“Hey. You love working with cars.” He sits up, fights against the lies he can’t seem to keep telling. She thinks he’s still working in the garage, thinks that he’s still hanging on Ed for help.

“Yeah. True.” Aaron mumbles before sighing. 

“You and Ed then?”

Aaron goes to speak. He goes to say something but she’s already running away with herself and making him just sit and listening.

She’s mentioning how well suited they are, how his work really hasn’t got in the way at all. She sounds so happy.

“Mum, I’m happy.” Aaron says, he just says it and then bites at his lip. “Isn’t that enough for ya?”

“Well yeah of course it. Want you happy all the time though.”

“Who says I’m not?”

Chas sighs. “I know you miss home love. But you’re right ...”

Aaron frowns.

“You sound happy.”

—

He turns the corner towards the flat and sees Robert sitting there waiting for him. His eyes widen and he shakes his head at him. 

“What are you —“

“Waiting for you.” Robert looks exhausted, his hair is flat and raised at the same time and he sounds sleepy as he speaks.

“Why, you idiot. It’s freezing.”

Robert frowns. “Yeah well I didn’t really have a choice.”

“What do — oh.” Aaron scratches his eyebrow and then gulps. “Well there’s a spare key in the kitchen so ...” He comes towards Robert and holds the door out for him. “Consider it yours.”

“For now.” Robert says, adds, does this thing that makes Aaron nervous and content at the same time.

Aaron nods his head, agrees and doesn’t think about it again until Robert is holding the key in his hand and he’s staring down at it over a plate of spaghetti.

“You don’t ... mind do you?”

“What? No.” Aaron wipes his hand over his mouth and sticks his legs out on the sofa as Robert hovers. 

“You just look ...” 

He’s just thinking of Tracy and what she’d say and his mum and what she’d say too. 

“Never really had a key to give someone.” Aaron shrugs, and Robert smiles at him. “What?”

“You. You’re such a sap.” Robert says, and then he leans over. “I’m honoured to temporarily have your spare key.” He kisses him, and Aaron forgets about his dinner, has hands around the back of Robert’s neck.

He wants to say, “I’ve missed you today.” 

But he doesn’t, he lets his hands wander whilst his mind wanders and soon he’s sprawled out on the kitchen floor and Robert is heaving on top of him. 

—

Aaron opens his eyes around to see a small glow in the room and Robert squeezed close to him. He’s got his arms around him, legs over legs and skin still sweaty. 

He leans up, sees that Robert is holding out that book of his and he’s reading again.

“God. You’re obsessed.”

Robert smiles down at him. “Helps me sleep.”

Aaron scoffs. “And what we just did doesn’t?” He has a hand over Robert’s chest and he’s looking ahead when Robert sighs. 

“My mum used to read it ... I don’t know. Blame some weird psychology stuff but it does ... it helps me relax.” 

Aaron’s movements slow down as he looks up at Robert. He feels his heart clench and burst as Robert and his stupid freckled face stares at him innocently.

“You think I’m an idiot?”

Aaron shakes his head quickly. “Think you’re the sweetest.” He whispers, kisses him lightly and then has their noses gently touching before he slides down and hugs at Robert’s middle. 

“Go on.”

“What?”

“Read to me ... if you want.” Aaron tries to take it back when Robert says nothing to fill in the silence. He almost rolls off, turns the light off but then he clears his throat. 

“There’s a starry sky and a chill in the air that makes him wander about what is beyond this ...”

Aaron hears him, hears the thud thud thud of Robert’s heart too. He drifts off to it all, forgets whatever anyone could make of what this looks like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets a little more angsty next chapter which should be uploaded on Monday. You’ve been warned!


	11. Gardens and Markets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert carry on exploring the city before Robert confesses something deeper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re getting closer to angst territory

  
Aaron wakes up without Robert and something feel wrong within himself as he stretches out against nothing at all. He rises up, looks around the room before he hears his voice. 

Aaron follows it, looks up at the blackness still in the sky and realises it’s earlier than he thought it would be.

Robert’s sitting leg crossed on the sofa, hair mangled from Aaron’s hands and a shadow of redness against his shoulders from the pull of Aaron.

“So the police aren’t suspicious?” Robert huddles himself over, almost folds completely and Aaron feels something swirl in his stomach. “What do you mean Andy sorted it?”

Aaron hangs by the door, peels himself from the wall and watches Robert’s eyes widen.

“And they believed him?”

Aaron feels this sense of warmth run through him. Then he imagines Robert going home, him staying, it having to stay that way.

“So I can —“ Robert gulps, Aaron watcheswith a frown on his face. “Dad, you know I’m sorry. Dad?”

Aaron wants to thump Robert’s dad, wants to shake him until he realises Robert made a mistake and he needs to get over it. He has all this fight in him about it for some reason.

The next thing he knows, Robert is standing up and walking towards him without realising he’s there. Aaron makes himself known, appears and Robert dips his head.

“Go back to bed.” Robert says, he raises a hand up and squeezes at Aaron’s shoulder.

“Was that your dad?”

Robert lowers his hand again, sighs. “Yeah.” He whispers. “Andy’s cleared it up. With the police.”

“How?”

“Fed them this story about ... trying to avoid a flock of sheep.”

Aaron folds his arms over. “Well that’s good ain’t it?” 

Robert sighs, he rubs a hand over his face. “He don’t want me there.”

Aaron feels this anger build up through him. “You’re an _adult_. You can do what you like. He can’t —"

“Make me feel like I don’t belong there?” Robert’s eyes widen and he looks like he’s holding back all of this emotion. It makes Aaron’s heart twist uncomfortably. “Yeah. He can. He _will_.”

Aaron has a hand at the back of Robert’s neck. He brings their foreheads together, strokes his thumb across his shoulder slowly.

It says something he can’t.

“I’m sorry.” Robert says.

“For what?“

“Dumping all this _stuff_ on you.” Robert’s chin nearly wobbles.“When ... you didn’t ask for it.”

Aaron brings Robert’s hand over his left temple. “Neither was this.” He says as he moves Robert’s finger over a small scar. “Whacked my head drunk a few years ago.”

It breaks something, Robert smiles a little and Aaron brings him closer.

“You should go back to bed. Haven’t got work for hours.” Robert says, and he scoops his arms around Aaron’s middle.

“Let’s sack it off.” 

“What?”

“Work.” Aaron pulls away. “I’ve still got places to show ya and ...” He gulps down something sad. “You’ll be gone soon.”

Robert scoffs. “Not if my dad has anything to—“

“Your life is on  _pause_. For him.” Aaron says, Robert looks up. “Don’t you think it’s time you put yourself first again.”

“Putting myself is how I ended up in this mess.” Robert points out.

“You want to go back.”

Robert nods. “‘Course I do.”

Aaron feels something crackle inside him. He has a hand on Robert’s chest. “Well then. Try ringing him a few more times, make him see sense. If that doesn’t work. Fuck him.”

Robert laughs. “It’s that easy yeah?”

“Why not?”

Robert nods, looks light suddenly.

—

Robert looks around the garden with wide eyes and a soft smile on his face. Aaron looks at him, hands deep in his pockets and a shy look about him when Robert looks his way.

“You regretting not going into work?”

Aaron frowns. “Nah. You’re mad.” Robert stops looking at the flowers long enough to spot a bench and sit. “I’m sick to death of cleaning products.”

“Oh I know. It’s why your place is the tip it is.” Robert says, Aaron reaches out, tickles and then pulls back. Aaron settles back, kicks his legs out and looks around this garden again. He’s never been here, mainly because it’s fifteen euros per person and just a bunch of plants to show for itself.

“You know if you’re sick of it, you could always do more.” Robert says, he sounds innocent but it makes Aaron stiffen.

“More?”

Robert nods. “You said you were a mechanic right? Good with cars? Could do that.”

Aaron gulps. “I was. Got bored of that n’all.”

He didn’t. He came in a few days later and George was telling him he heard about him and Ed. He was saying shit like loyalty and the risks he was already taking for him. 

He was gone by the afternoon.

“You’ll sort it.” Robert shrugs. “How about going travelling?”

Aaron closes his eyes. “Yeah. Maybe.” He brings his hands around his middle and bites against the cold. He doesn’t hear anything from Robert until he turns, sees him on his phone.

“What you doing?”

“Just ... don’t know. Trying to write down what to say to my dad later.”

Aaron sighs a little. “Thought we were going with ‘fuck him’?”

Robert bites his lip and then puts his phone down again. “Let’s go get something to eat.” He says, pulls himself to his feet and yanking Aaron up.

—

They eat at some semi fancy place, the prices are not ridiculous but enough to make Aaron raise his eyebrow for a second.

He’s eating pasta, swirling it around his fork when he feels Robert watching him.

“You alright there?” He asks, mouthful of food as Robert sips at a glass of water and looks so deep in thought.

“This place is so French.” Robert sits up, elbows on the table and looking at Aaron.

“Tell me about it.”

“I’ll miss it.” Robert says, he sounds honest and bare and Aaron’s heart thuds. He doesn’t know what to think other than he understands.

Aaron smiles, “Yeah.” He says. “It’s alright ain’t it.” He leans back, finds himself back to admiring a place he really hasn’t before, because of Robert

“Do you miss it?” Aaron frowns. “Home.”

Aaron thinks of where that could be, thinks of his mum and the pub and that room of his that always felt too small and too big. 

“Course.” He’s not said anything for seconds and seconds and he has to. He sits up and smiles. “Miss how quiet everything is you know?” Aaron frowns. “A different sort of silence than you get here anyway.”

Robert nods gently. “Yeah. I get what you mean.” He sighs. “I even miss that stupid farm.”

Aaron smiles. “Forgot you were a farmer.” He says, he laughs and Robert scowls at him.

“More my brother’s field of expertise.”

“Yeah? And yours is ...”

Robert blinks gently. “Finding special people in foreign places.” He smiles, teeth showing and eyes warm.

Aaron feels something stuck in his throat. “Smooth. So smooth.” He stares, Robert stares back.

“I’ll be back in a sec.”

Aaron nods, watches Robert head towards the toilets and then slumps down a little. He stares at Robert’s empty chair, the soft purple colour and the gold lining of it. He feels suddenly so scared and calm at the exact same time. Eventually he’s snapped out of it, Robert comes back, squeezes his shoulder as he sits opposite him and they flow back into whatever it is they were talking about.

“Stop saying you don’t know places to see, you must ...”

“Aaron?”

Aaron turns on his chair, sees George standing with his girlfriend by the doors of the restaurant. He looks at him, at Robert, then back at him again.

“Alright?” Aaron gets up awkwardly, avoids the way Robert looks confused, tries to avoid him completely.

“Fancy seeing you around.” George says, he has this way about him, always made Aaron feel like he was basically on his hands and knees begging for his respect. “Well actually, you aren’t going to be in South Africa are you?”

Aaron’s jaw tightens. “No.”

George looks at Robert. “Oh and this is ... sorry I’m George, me and Aaron used to work together.” He smiles and Robert nods. “But things change don’t they?”

“This is Robert.” Aaron blurts out. “He’s staying here for a bit, just showing him around.”

George nods slowly. “Nice of ya.” He says and then he’s slapping Aaron’s back. “Make sure not to get caught eh?”

Aaron’s eyes widen a little.

“You know, places like this really do like to scam you with the prices. Don’t get caught up in it yeah?”

Aaron gulps hard and sees that Robert is frowning at the scene.

“Yeah.”

“Got to keep your wits about ya don’t ya?”

Aaron twists his lip. “Yes.” He grits out.

Then George is gone, his stupid girlfriend who hasn’t uttered a work shows them to the table she’s booked. Aaron tenses, his hand bawling into a fist until Robert speaks.

“He was pleasant.”

Aaron scratches his head. “Just an idiot.” He shrugs. “Used to work with him.”

“Seems intense.” 

Aaron shrugs. “Yeah sort of.” He taps his fingers against the table. “Once you’re done we can go right? Got somewhere else you might like.”

Robert nods slowly, Aaron looks over his shoulder and then back at him again.

—

There’s a market that Robert loses his shit over. They sell stupid nick nacks and silliness but Robert goes around in awe of the little trinkets and snow globes. 

“You’re a child.” Aaron says, he pulls his coat up further against the cold and Robert turns to him. 

“This is cool. Vic would love it.” He picks up a globe, swirls it in his hands up and down and up and down. “

Robert seems almost lost in his head for a second and Aaron can’t bare. “You can give it to her.” He says. “When you get back.”

Robert nods. “If.”

“When.”

Robert frowns. “You really want me out your hair don’t ya?”

It’s Aaron’s turn to frown. “No. I want you happy.” He blurts it out and then closes his mouth shut again. The sing song French music takes over the silence. He feels embarrassed, turns away instead of facing whatever Robert wants to say.

Robert finds him ten minutes later, he’s holding a small bag in his hand and waves it.

“Bought it.” Robert sits slowly on the bench Aaron’s on. He shuffles a little. “Wasn’t as much as I thought it’d be.” 

Aaron nods his head. “Right.”

Robert sighs. “I was only messing.”

“I know.”

“So ... we’re OK?” Robert looks at him. Aaron looks down. “Aaron, what you’ve done for me, what you’re _doing_ ... I know you want me happy. You show it.” Aaron feels like he’s on fire, feels like Robert has all this power to use and he’s helpless against it. “I’m so grateful.”

“I know.” Aaron says again. “Ignore me.”

“No. Want to kiss you instead.” Robert says, he leans in and Aaron’s breath catches. 

“Go on then.” Aaron feels him hovering, feels his heart start beating faster as Robert brings his mouth over his. He kisses him gently, sweetly and Aaron fights a smile. “Let’s get out of here.”

—

Robert’s on his phone after sex. Like, Aaron’s still a panting mess and Robert is blushed and bruised but he still has it out in front of him. 

“Adding to the speech?” 

Aaron leans over Robert, kisses at his neck until Robert looks down at him. 

“What?”

“Said, you adding to your apology speech.” Aaron’s mouth is dry as he sits up, straddles Robert like he still has energy. 

“Just ... maybe.” Robert sighs. “I know I said ... we said fuck him but I can’t help it. I’m in the wrong. What I did ... he still thinks I have to be punished.”

Aaron brings a hand towards Robert’s cheek. “Who’s he to judge you?”

Robert bites his lip, looks into Aaron’s eyes. “My _dad_. I know I’m ... I’m old enough not to give a shit but what he thinks, it still matters.” He looks frustrated by it and Aaron closes his eyes, sighs around it.

“What else does he want from ya? Blood.” Aaron says, it makes Robert smile a little. He looks down, hovers himself over Robert and kisses him until they’re rolling around in bed again and Aaron is shouting Robert’s name.  Robert kisses Aaron’s shoulder, watches Aaron slowly trace hands over arms. 

“You’re really good at that.”

Robert smirks but it doesn’t meet his eyes. “Cheers.”

“Had lots of practice?”

Robert wriggles an eyebrow. “We having the ‘how many people have you fucked before me’ talk?”

Aaron blushes, pulls away. “Shut up.”

Robert looks up at the ceiling. “Not had this before ... like someone I see all the time. More than once. The others were just one night, nothing more.”

Aaron turns towards him, sees that he’s getting upset and he doesn’t understand why.

“You deserve this you know.”

“Someone as good as you in bed?”

Aaron smirks. “Someone who ... you deserve someone.” He stops himself. “What you did doesn’t mean you don’t.”

Robert’s chin wobbles. “Don’t.”

“It’s true. You made a mistake. Your dad will see that.” Robert shakes his head and Aaron holds at his arm. “He will.”

“You weren’t.” Robert says. He still looks up at the ceiling. Aaron frowns at him slowly and moves his hands down. “Being with you wasn’t, no way near one but he’ll see it like that.” He looks down at Aaron finally. “He doesn’t know how to see it any differently.”

Aaron blinks, feels his heart become heavier.

—

Robert wipes a hand over his eyes, sniffles down something and then sighs. He looks hollow, like someone has ripped something out of him and he wants to push it all back in.

“I shouldn’t have said anything.” Robert mumbles. “At all. I don’t ...”

“That explains ...” Aaron stops himself. “That explains why he doesn’t want you —“

Robert shakes his head. “Course it doesn’t.” He shakes his head. “It’s ‘cause I killed someone.” Aaron goes to speak and he sighs. “Responsible for someone’s death, however you want to jazz it up.”

Aaron closes his eyes, opens them around the way Robert looks at him. “You can tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“What happened. How he knows.” Aaron says, “Did something happen?”

Robert frowns. “Ages ago.” He mumbles like he’s tried so desperately to push it out of his head. “So it doesn’t have anything to do with ... with _this_.” 

Aaron nods, he can’t get his head around any of this. “OK.” He says gently. “But what happened?” Robert looks away. “Robert?”

“Nothing. Nothing to bang on about.” Robert has all this armour and Aaron just wants him to really open up, trust him even though he probably shouldn’t.

“You can tell me.”

Robert hesitates, then breathes in. “He caught me and this farmhand, on my bed, him ... kissing me.” He blinks out something, stares. “He grabbed me, hard. Hit me. Said if I ... think about slacking on the job again he’ll ...”

“But it wasn’t ...”

“I know it had nothing to do with slacking. It was me and that boy and ... making him feel _sick_.” Robert sits up straighter. “But I forgot it.” He nods heavily. “I just ... put it down to him having a bad day.”

Aaron sighs.

“Because he’s a good dad.”

“Is he?” Aaron has tears in his eyes, they swell and fall and he wipes them away as quickly as he can. “You needed reassurance, and he hit ya instead.”

Robert looks down. “He didn’t ask for this.”

Aaron sits up, blinks. “Ask for _what_? A son that needs him.”

“No. One who likes sleeping with men.” Robert snaps. “He says I’ve ... I’ve been going off the rails since my mum died.” 

Aaron shakes his head. “Going off the rails isn’t kissing a boy you like Robert.”

“It’s killing someone.”

Aaron cups his face. “Listen to me.” He says. “Please. Robert, don’t you see what he’s doing?” 

Robert’s never looked so vulnerable, he has this wide eyed look on his face and this sadness to him that makes him look completely bare. 

“He’s using this ... accident to punish ya.”

Robert pulls out of Aaron’s hold. “You don’t know what you’re on about.” He sits up again, swings his legs over the side of the bed.

“I know you don’t want to believe it but — why isn’t he letting you come back? You’re sorry. The police are off your case. Shouldn’t he want his son back?” Aaron watches Robert stand, get towards the bedroom door and chuck clothes on. “Robert, where are you ...”

“I shouldn’t have told ya anything.” Robert says. “You’re just _twisting_ things.”

“I’m trying to help.”

“Well you’re not.” Robert says, he stops and turns. “You’re messing things up in here.” He points to his head and then backs away.

“Robert, don’t —“

He watches him grab his coat, twist his feet into a pair of trainers and then he’s gone.


	12. A loss is coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is confronted by a fact

  
Aaron doesn’t sleep. He’s fitful, tossing and turning and making him want to go out and find Robert.

He wants to chase him, talk him down, do something. But he needs to learn not to. He needs to imagine him gone. 

—

Aaron watches the sun rise, hears tweeting and a ripple through the trees as the wind dances. He sits up, runs a hand over his face and sighs.

He’s an idiot for half expecting Robert will be next to him. He isn’t, he’s not there at all. Instead there’s empty space he has to look at it until he’s dragging himself out of bed and into the kitchen.

He taps at the counter, stares out the window before turning his phone over in his hand and sighing. It takes a second to get to Robert’s number. It takes even longer to hear the sound of it ringing to stop.

“Robert? Listen just — where are you? Just come h— come back.” Aaron steadies himself, rubs at his eyes. “We can tal—“

Aaron hears a knock at the door, freezes against it before he practically runs to answer it.

“Thank G—“ Aaron’s eyes widen. “_Ed_?” He sees him, broad shoulders and hands in his pockets.

“You look done in.”

“You look — like you’re just standing at my door for no reason.” Aaron breathes in deeply and then out again. “Aren’t you meant to be in South Africa.”

Ed gives a tight smile. “M’shoulder didn’t agree.” Aaron frowns. “Packed up in training. They sent me back.”

Aaron steps back. “Oh. Shit. Sorry, I ...” He remembers how excited Ed was about it all. “I know you couldn’t wait to go.” He mumbles.

“Yeah well.” Ed shrugs. “It’ll come round again.” He says. “Next season, I’ll be fighting fit.”

Aaron nods slowly and then looks down.

“You look tried.”

“Cheers.” Aaron gulps. “Why are you here?”

Ed shrugs. “I just wanted to check you were OK.” Aaron feels this guilt build. “You’re ... alone here.”

Aaron gapes his mouth open, feels something thump in his chest. “And?”

“And.” Ed comes closer, does this thing with his head that he does whenever he doesn’t know what to say. “I just wanted to see if you’re alright.”

“I’m fine.” Aaron says. “You don’t need to keep worrying yeah?” He leans over to nod a little more, get it in Ed’s head that everything is fine when it isn’t. Then he pulls back, turns his phone over in his hand. “I need to get ready for work.” 

—

Aaron’s still thinking about Robert when he gets to work. He’s in this slump of silence and he wants to keep himself to himself like he normally does. Only almost everyone picks up on it.

He’s got his headphones in again, apparently his humming has stopped and he doesn’t whistle when he closes the door to a room he’s just cleaned.

“You’re talking sh—"

“Not actually.” Aaron watches Tracy fold her arms over. “I take it you and this fling have stalled?”

Aaron brings a scowl to his face, expects her to leave him to his hoovering but she doesn’t. Instead she hovers and he wonders why they get paid exactly the same amount for this.

She sits on the edge of one of the beds, says she isn’t going anywhere until he starts talking.

“It’s ... it’s not about _us_.” Aaron flicks the switch off from the wall and closes his eyes. “His dad ... he’s got this hold over him.”

Tracy frowns. “What do you mean?”

Aaron sighs, comes towards the bed. “He’s from back home, like us, he has to leave ‘cause ... well that doesn’t matter but his dad won’t let him come back.”

Tracy scoffs. “He _is_ an adult right?” Aaron scowls at her for a second. “Sorry.”

“It’s about him liking blokes.” Aaron scratches his eyebrow. “He has all this respect for him, doesn’t seem to get that he’s ...” He balls his hand into a fist, sighs.

“Seems ... heavy.” Tracy says, she crossed her arms over. “Thought this was meant to be rebound fun.”

Aaron shakes his head. “Nah.” He says, he dips his head down. “It’s not anything.”

“Well clearly it is if you’re this worried about him.”

“He just ran out of mine last night. He didn’t take his key so I d—"

Tracy’s face almost instantly brightens. “He has a _key_.”

Aaron shrugs. “We work different shifts, how else was he supposed to get in?”

“For — for _sex_ right? He doesn’t ... he lives with ya?”

Aaron bounces his leg up and down and then looks at her. “It’s not — it’s just temporary.” He points out. “It’s ... complicated.”

Tracy stands, squeezes his shoulder. “Sounds it.”

And Aaron never wanted it to be. 

—

Aaron sits staring at the door like he’s certain if he wishes hard enough Robert will walk back in. He hates it. He hates how he’s just gone and he’s stuck here.

It makes him nervous, makes him feel things he doesn’t want to.

It doesn’t last, this feeling of too much feeling. There’s a faint knock on the door at six thirty and Robert stands there looking like he’s just seen a ghost, pale and sad and Aaron should shut the door on him for making him worry. But he doesn’t. He can’t.

He lifts his head up, makes his hands raise up as Robert edges towards him and then he’s jumping into Aaron, holding on for dear life. He has a hand at the back of Aaron’s neck, firm and steady and Aaron’s shoulders sag underneath it.

“It’s OK.”

Aaron eventually gets Robert to look at him. “Actually ... no it ain’t. Don’t ... I’ve been — you just _went_.”

Robert nods faintly against Aaron’s voice. “I know, I had to ... what you said just —"

Aaron gulps. “I won’t take it back.”

Robert flinches a little. He looks tiny underneath Aaron’s stare.

“I know you don’t want to think ... but there’s a big possibility that he’s doing this ‘cause he can’t forgive you for —“

“For leaving Max.”

“For not leaving that lad alone. For being gay.”

Robert snaps out of his hold. “I already told you I’m not.”

Aaron sighs. “Fine then. You like both. You’re bisexual.” He shrugs. “Doesn’t change the fact that he can’t —“

“Why?” Robert whispers. “Why can’t he Aaron?

Aaron bites his lip to stop things pouring out. “I don’t know mate.” He shakes his head. “But ... that’s his problem.” He leans closer, has a hand over Robert’s chest and he shudders. “Not yours.”

Robert presses his forehead against Aaron’s, breathes in and then out. “I need a drink.”

Aaron gets him a beer from the fridge. “I ain’t got nothing stronger.”

“This’ll have to do then.” Robert sits, has a hand over the bottle as Aaron hovers over him.

“I know it’s a —"

Robert sniffs. “Just let me say this.” He whispers. “I spoke to him. I asked him ... why I couldn’t come back.” He keeps looking down. “He said it was ‘cause of what I did. I asked him what I did and ... he said I’d kept disappointing him.” 

Aaron wipes at his eyes with the back of his arm.

“As if it was more than once.” Robert tips his head back and sips the beer. “So I said ... I said was it more than once. What else had I done? I begged him. Begged him to just _tell_ me.”

Aaron bites his lip, crouched around him.

“But he didn’t say anything. So I ... I told him I’m living with someone here, someone great and kind and ... I said we were sharing a bed. I said it was a bloke.” Robert looks up at Aaron finally. “He had nothing to say to that.”

“He didn’t say anything?”

Robert shakes his head. “Said I was trying to wind him up when I asked him to speak.” He twists his hands together and Aaron reaches out, hovers a hand over.

“You can’t live your life pleasing him.” Aaron whispers. “Not anymore.” He squeezes down and smiles. “It’ll be alright.”

“With him hating me, who I am.”

Aaron strokes his thumb against Robert’s. “People care Robert. Your home is ... your home isn’t it?” Robert nods. “So I say ... fuck him and what he thinks. I say do what you want to do.” He reaches up, cups Robert’s face wet with tears. “Yeah?”

Robert nods slowly again before he swoops close, kisses Aaron almost breathlessly. “Want you.” He says. “That’s what I want.”

Aaron feels this pull tugging his stomach so hard and he’s lit up by it. He’s missed _him_. He really has. Robert looks at him with this _look_ and Aaron feels himself get swept up in it, feels them backing towards the bedroom until they’re flat on the bed and Robert is hovering over him.

He just stares down, panting and eyes wide. Aaron brings his hands up to Robert’s face again.

“Don’t just run out like that again. You owe me a goodbye.” 

Aaron feels a lump hit his throat when Robert brushes a hand over his eyebrow and smiles.

“I owe you more than that.” 

Aaron squirms a little. “Well then kiss me.” He whispers, and his hands grab Robert closer. He feels Robert hold him down, trap him in place as he pulls a hand into Aaron’s joggers, makes him buck forward and rive around calling Robert’s name.

When Aaron gets his breath back he leans in to do the same, to make Robert feel good but Robert leans away slightly. He settles next to Aaron, brings a hand across his middle and sighs.

“‘M sorry for making you worry.”

Aaron blinks down at him. “That blowjob made up for it.” Robert looks up. “I’m serious.”

Robert sighs a little and Aaron looks down at him again. 

“He still in your head?”

Robert nods his. “He’d hate what we’ve been doing.” He tilts his head, sniffs. “And I want to hate him for it too. I do. But I can’t.”

Aaron licks his lips. “OK.” He says. “Doesn’t mean you have to punish yourself though.” Robert makes a small noise like he’s confused. “You’re scared of going home, ‘cause he’s there. You’re punishing yourself when you shouldn’t be, he’s doing enough for the both of ya.”

“I know.” Robert bites his lip, leans into Aaron even deeper and then he rises to look into Aaron’s eyes. “You’re right.”

Aaron smirks.

“I’m serious. I want to go back so I will.” Robert nods steadily. “And I’ll deal with what he has to say.”

Aaron blinks. “And you’ll ... come out?”

Robert shrugs. “Yeah?” He twists his lip like the thought is still terrifying. “Tell Andy and Vic, any other nosey neighbours. And I’ll have you.”

Aaron freezes slightly. 

“Someone concrete I had something with. Not just shagging blokes on a night out.”

Aaron gulps hard, tries to breathe. “That’s what it was like before?” He holds Robert’s hand lazily.

“Yeah. Nothing serious. Not like ...” Robert stops. “I told you stuff I’ve never told anyone Aaron.” He looks up like he’s in awe of Aaron, it’s petrifying. “Never trusted anyone like this.”

Aaron blinks away something that’s so tight in his chest, smiles. “You promise to stay in touch yeah? Don’t forget your first friend in Paris?”

Robert kisses Aaron’s neck, he shouldn’t, it makes Aaron fall and cling and pant. 

“Promise.” Robert whispers and Aaron’s hand works to unbuckle Robert’s belt, roll him over onto his back. 

He stares at him, feels this loss hit him so violently he almost feels sick. 

He looks and looks and thinks,

_Why did I think you were mine to lose?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve got loads of time off next week so I’m hoping to get about two chapters out. Hoping you enjoyed this one, the next chapters are very ... heavy? Let me know if you liked it and thanks for the continued support!


	13. So much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A countdown begins

The light travels into the room early the next morning. There’s a faint sound of people walking, heels and splashing of puddles. Aaron cranes his neck and thinks, he doesn’t remember it raining.

He thinks of last night, how he wasn’t thinking about a lot other than Robert and what it felt like to be laying next to him. 

He looks down at him now, Robert has a hand over Aaron’s middle and his mouth is slightly parted as he sleeps. Aaron smiles, he pulls a hand over Robert’s hair and strokes for a second before closing his eyes again.

—

Robert makes pancakes, flips them over with finesse and makes Aaron groan, pull a face.

“Yes we get it, you’re good at this.” Aaron comes up behind him, pinches his side before kissing his cheek. He wants to stop himself but then finds that he can’t. His hands have a life of their own, they bring Robert closer.

“Yeah well ... enjoy them.” Robert says, he plates three up and then puts another three in the oven. 

“Wait aren’t you —“

Robert starts rummaging about the place for his keys. “Handing in my notice to the cafe.” He says, “Well actually just telling them I quit, not much they can do once I’m gone.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “And uh ... when will that be?” 

Robert comes towards him, stops looking so busy. “Few days.” He says. “So we can do stuff tonight, and tomorrow and then I’ll —“

Aaron feels this wall start to lift. He pulls Robert closer and kisses him. “That stuff?”

Robert pulls away smiling. What a bastard. “I meant going out and seeing —“

“What like naff pretend dates?” Aaron asks. “What’s the point in that?” Robert’s eyes flicker a little and then he nods. “When I could have you in there for hours on end.” He looks towards the bedroom door and smiles but it doesn’t meet his eyes.

Robert stares. “Really?”

“Why not?” Aaron pulls away. 

“I just thought ...” Robert frowns. “Could be nice to see Paris with you one more time.”

Aaron knows what he means, he means walking past monuments, taking pictures and staring at the flickering lights. Robert means fingers brushing turning into handsinterlocking and then kissing like they’re _something_. 

Aaron scratches his eyebrow. “We can speak later yeah?”

Robert holds the back of Aaron’s neck with his insanely large hands. “I’ll see you.”

Aaron wants to rip his hands away, tell him to go and stop making him feel this thing inside of him but then Robert kisses him and he can’t let go.

Robert eventually tugs away laughing. “Later yeah?” He kisses Aaron’s cheek and then swings the door open. Aaron watches Ed stand on the other side with a massive cardboard box. “Oh. Sorry.” He mumbles, he eyes Ed and then looks at Aaron. “I’ll ...” He awkwardly disappears and Ed still stares.

“What are you —“

“Who’s that?”

Aaron comes towards him. “I asked you why you’re here.” He looks at the box. “Is that my —“

“You packed with your eyes closed clearly. Found half of this in the back of the wardrobe.” Ed pushes the box towards Aaron and then blinks. “Who was that who just left?”

“No one.” Aaron scratches his eyebrow. “How’s your shoulder?”

“Still hurts.” Ed shrugs and his jaw tightens like it really does. “I didn’t even make it to the first game.” Ed chews his lip for a second, Aaron tuts.

“Sorry.”

“Who was that then?” Ed says, again. “Don’t try and change the subject here.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Jealously don’t suit ya.”

“Yeah and lying doesn’t suit you either but I bet that’s what you’re doing.” Ed snaps. Aaron falters, the box becoming so heavy that he lets go, kicks it as it’s on the ground. “I’m right.”

“You don’t know an—“

Ed is Columbo, says, “That’s not your coat.“ He even looks down. “New socks too?”

“OK _stop_.” Aaron walks further into the kitchen and sighs. “I get it.”

“Get what?” Ed follows him. “Do you know what you’re doing?”

Aaron folds his arms over. “Not you. Is that the problem?” Ed leans away and Aaron sighs. “I didn’t—“

“I’m looking out for you.” Ed says. “Or at least trying to.”

“Like when your shitty mates ran me out of a job and you didn’t do anything about it?”

Ed scowls. “You _dumped_ me.”

“I was _saving_ you.” Aaron shouts. “From me, from whatever life we’d have. You think I could have gone to South Africa?”

Ed closes his eyes.

“No. Thought so.” Aaron crosses his arms over. “And we hadn’t been right for a while. You know that.”

“Does he know?” Ed asks. Aaron frowns. “About why you couldn’t come with me, the first reason.” Ed whispers like Robert is still around.

Aaron shakes his head. “No.” He whispers back. Ed looks confused. “What’s with—“

“You seem sad. You should be relived.”

“I’ve been _lying_ to him.” Aaron says. “Someone I trust, someone who’s _good_ and _kind_ and ...” He shakes his head. “I’ve lied to. But you don’t need to be worried. He’s going in a few days.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s from home.” Aaron shrugs. “He only came ‘cause he had to get away for a bit.”

Ed nods. “Good.” He says, looks around. “Before things got messy.”

Aaron frowns. “They wouldn’t have.”

“Are you crazy?”

“He’s _different_.” Aaron shouts. “We understand each other.” He pulls back. “But it doesn’t matter, like I said, he’s going.” He folds his arms over. “So you can stop looking at me like that.”

Ed sighs. “You know it’s for the best.” He says. “Before you —“

“It was sex Ed. Just sex. Is that what you want to hear?”

Ed pulls a face. “Well not really but you said it was—“

“Then go.” Aaron says and he practically pushes him out the door, tries to shut out whatever shit he said.

—

He’s more than a little late for work, he’s pushing through people and jogging to get towards the building. His shirt is crumpled and needs washing but he tries to tuck it into his trousers and pretend he looks decent.

Alice doesn’t seem to think so, in any sense of the word. She looks like she’s swallowed a lemon when he gets a look at the rota and tries to find where he’s working.

“What time is this?”

Aaron freezes, spins slowly. “One.”

“Ah.” Alice folds her arms. She bangs on about him not getting paid for the missing hours, about how he’s on a warning.

“Yeah fine. Whatever.” Aaron says, he waves a hand up and then sighs as she whispers something in French and prances away. She’s probably finding her voodoo doll, sticking pins in him.

Aaron spends the next few minutes staring out the window he’s supposed to be cleaning. He looks out onto the city and hates it all again. He hates what he sees, who he sees whenever he looks.

“Towel lady?” Tracy comes in the room and then stops smiling when Aaron ignores her. “Mr sunshine?”

“I heard. Just leave them on the bed.”

Tracy isn’t really that big on following instructions, she comes into the room further and has a hand on his shoulder. “Think that windows done enough. I can see my face through it.”

Aaron turns to her. “Hilarious.”

“Your face isn’t.” Tracy frowns. “I take it things didn’t get any better.”

Aaron blinks gently. “It did. He uh ... so he’s leaving in a few days. He’s going back home.” He says.

Tracy looks at him with wide eyes. “Oh, I’m —“

“Don’t say you’re sorry ‘cause it’s fine. It was always going to happen.” Aaron tries to form a smile on his face. “Like you said it was a rebound.”

“Was it?”

Tracy always wears pink eye shadow, glittery and warm. He hones in on it now, just stares until he can think of something to say.

“Of course.” Aaron shrugs. “So uh don’t look at me like that.” He leans down to pick up a cloth and holds it in his hand firmly. “I’ve got this to do so ...”

Tracy keeps giving him these eyes and he looks away from her completely. She thinks she knows him, she does but not all of him. He hates that she could see through what he’s doing here.

“Right well, rooms to be cleaning. Not all of us can turn up late.” Tracy says, she tries to laugh and Aaron shakes his head at her.

—

  
Robert finds out about this small cafe that stays open all night and serves up the best pastries Aaron’s ever tried. The air is still filled with something between them that doesn’t break even when Aaron looks away from Robert.

“These are insane.” Aaron decides to say, he sits up straighter, smiles a little when Robert looks smug about his secret little find.

“Should come here more often then shouldn’t you?”

Aaron nods slowly and then frowns at the look on Robert’s face. “What?”

“You ever think of leaving?”

Aaron freezes. They’ve spoke about this before and he’s got that thing stuck in his throat again because of it. “I like it here.”

“I mean like seeing more of France.”

Aaron shrugs. “I’m in the best city.” He shrugs. He actually means it to, for some reason Robert has opened his eyes to everything around him. “Besides, I’m not keen on travelling.”

“Take it Ed isn’t either.” Aaron looks up at him. “Considering he came back.”

Aaron clears his throat, sips at the hot chocolate Robert insisted he gets. “His shoulder packed up.” He bites at his lip. 

“Could call that fate.”

“You’d be stupid to.”

Robert shrugs, looks right into Aaron’s eyes. “Why not?”

“Because — it was over when it was over. So there’s no point in dredging things up again.” Aaron sighs. “He does think he has to look out for me though.”

“That’s cause he cares.” Robert shrugs.

“Yeah well, it’d help it he didn’t.”

Robert frowns. “You never even told me why you broke up.”

Aaron frowns, he strokes his leg up Robert’s. “Are we really talking about my ex?”

Robert frowns back. “Just wondering.”

Aaron makes a small sound in the back of his throat. “It just didn’t work out. We were growing apart, arguing, and then he had South Africa to think about. I realised ... even if I really wanted to I couldn’t go.” He looks down. “Because we weren’t making each other happy anymore.”

Robert nods his head and then gulps. “But you never went home.” Aaron stares. “After it ...”

“Made this my home.” Aaron says, he sips his hot chocolate again and then clears his throat. Robert looks down like he’s biting against saying something. “What?”

“Don’t you miss your family?” Robert shakes his head. “Sorry it’s just ... didn’t think I’d miss them, miss home, the way I do.” 

Aaron scratches his eyebrow. “Yeah. Speak to them loads though.” He wriggles an eyebrow. “This you wanting me to keep you company on the train ride home?” The thought spills out before he can understand it himself, he feels his face warm. 

Robert’s head dips. “You don’t have to do that you know.” 

Aaron looks up. 

“You can tell me stuff.” Robert leans in, arms crossed. “I’ve told you so much.” 

Aaron blinks, realise that the fact makes all of this so much harder. “Yeah I know.” He says, and then Robert has a hand on the table, linking into Aaron’s. 

“Do ya?”

Aaron looks at him deeply and then away again. “You’re leaving soon.”

“So? Doesn’t mean I don’t care. I do.” Robert leans back on his chair. “Is something wrong?”

Aaron looks back at him. “No.”

“There is. I can tell.”

Aaron leans up on the table. “Please don’t ...” He shrugs. “There’s nothing wrong.”

Robert blinks. He just won’t give up. “After everything I told you, you know you could ...”

Aaron goes to speak, he bounces his knee, feels himself boil over. “I ...” 

There’s a police officer walking towards their table, Aaron sees him first and pulls away with a start. He stares down at the table, almost frozen in place until he’s asking if they’ve seen someone running past here.

“Uh ...” Aaron hears Robert say. He looks up and Robert shakes his head. “Sorry.” He shrugs and then the police man turns away from them. “Think he said someone did a runner.”

Aaron looks down, eyes wide and face pale. He nods faintly eventually. “Terrible French you.”

Robert frowns. “Yours ain’t much better.” 

Aaron shrugs. “Maybe.” He says, Robert looks down and his phone starts ringing. It’s Andy. “Shouldn’t you ...”

Robert turns his phone over as the sound stops. “I’m enjoying this.”

“Yeah?”

Robert nods and then he’s leaning over the table and kissing Aaron sweetly. He touches him, and Aaron can’t do anything other than smile.

“So much.” Robert whispers as he pulls away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is going to be ... a lot. This is sort of how cracks are beginning to show, but it’s getting ... worse


	14. The bad thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert drops a bombshell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all of you still reading, comments are always appreciated and are really the best motivators so please keep them coming if you can.

  
Aaron has a dream. He’s walking down a corridor, arms outstretched as Robert walks ahead of him. He can see him but he’s becoming more and more unclear as they keep going. 

There’s a door too, they reach the end of whatever there is in front of them and Robert walks through it. He hesitates. Looks back. Then he’s opening it and shutting it behind him.

He’s gone and Aaron stands staring mindlessly. Then he reaches out, dares to follow. 

It’s the exact moment he jolts up. He’s sweating, arms falling over his face to try and calm himself down. 

—

He manages to get off to sleep again, he doesn’t dream, just drifts off without a banging in his head and whatever his subconscious is getting at.

There’s a sharp hit to his leg that gets him up again. The sky is still black and he turns to push his face into the pillows again when Robert speaks. 

“Shit, sorry.” Robert whispers down, he’s close enough to kiss and Aaron, in his groggy half asleep mindset, wants to. He turns over to lean up when there’s a glare of the laptop hitting his vision.

“What you doing?”

“Booking my ticket back.” Robert says. He’s wearing one of Aaron’s top, has his hair flat against his forehead as he taps away. 

“Right.” Aaron leans into Robert’s side, finds warmth and comfort there as he settles again. “When you thinking?”

“Tomorrow.”

Aaron’s breath hitches slightly. “Morning?”

“Um ...” Robert keeps scrolling, Aaron finds it difficult to do anything other than close his eyes. “Yeah, it’s cheaper then.”

Aaron nods against him. “Should sack off work again today then?” He looks up at Robert. “If you want.”

Robert has this warmth in his eyes that Aaron’s not sure he’ll ever deserve to see. “Yeah? How nice of you.” He’s teasing only Aaron pushes away slightly. He gets pulled back in by Robert’s arms, the laptop is pushed back and Aaron is wrapped up by him again. 

“Could see Mona Lisa? Haven’t done that yet.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Fine.” He says. “Just for you.”

—

Robert’s phone rings in the middle of them having sex. Aaron’s shouting Robert’s name and then telling him to turn his phone off with equal amount of gusto.

Robert is over him, strong arms and panting. “Just Andy.”

Aaron pushes down on Robert. “Tell him to do one.”

“Why ‘cause I’m doing you?”

Aaron laughs, pulls a face as Robert leans in and thrusts. “You’re fun—ny. Move.”

—

Aaron stares at him. At the painting. Then back at him. 

“It’s tiny.” Aaron folds his arms over, not impressed in the slightest as tourists push and shove to get a picture. 

Robert shakes his head, laughs. “You’re joking right? That’s all you see.”

“See more glass than anything else, have you seen how _thick_ the glass is?” Aaron leans over and then away again.

“Yeah. See her face though, she’s smiling.”

Aaron cranes his neck. “Sort of.”

“Just like you.” Robert looks at Aaron, has a hand near his, gently grazes his against Aaron’s

“What’s that meant to mean?” Aaron says, arches an eyebrow and wriggling it playfully.

“Half smiling.” Robert says. “Not really letting me see.” Aaron feels Robert’s hand stroke his. “When you can.” He sounds so sincere, almost too sincere and Aaron realises that somewhere along the way he’s let Robert see him. Maybe all of him for however short it could have been.

Aaron breathes in, nods. Then he puts his hand in Robert’s. “Happy now?”

Robert nods.

—

It’s not stupidly cold anymore, it’s actually a nice day. They’re sitting opposite a ridiculously expensive restaurant sipping coffee and watching the world go by.

Robert’s got that face on again.

“You in awe of the place.” Aaron says. He shakes his head, laughs. “God you’re soft.”

“I’m admiring.” Robert tilts his head showing his Adam’s apple and making Aaron stare. “It’s so busy here. Not like home.”

Aaron pulls a face. “Home is mud and cows and no good WiFi.”

“True.” Robert kicks his leg against the floor. “It’s quieter though, gives you time to think.”

Aaron pulls his hands deep into his pockets. “Thinking’s overrated.”

“Sound like my brother.” Robert sighs. “He says when he thinks too much it makes him get all quiet, sad.”

Aaron looks down at his feet.

“So he talks about farming instead.”

“Like a _proper_ farmer then.” Aaron tilts his head up. He has this memory of Andy picking Vic up from school with a cap on and a massive coat in the middle of Spring. “My mate here thinks every single man from Yorkshire is a farmer.”

Robert smiles, flips his phone over in his hand and then sighs.

“He ring again?”

Robert nods. “When I was getting these.” He tilts his head towards the coffee in his hand. “Don’t know what he wants.”

“Could always answer.”

Robert frowns. “No. I’m not letting him ruin my last day here.” He tilts his head up at the sky. “Him and dad have years left to ignore the shit out of me.”

Aaron frowns, smiles. “And I only have a day.”

Robert turns towards him and tugs him by his jacket. He smiles before nodding and kissing Aaron.

—

Aaron watches Robert, his eyes falling into something sad and stupid. He looks at the way Robert swirls his head around the small square.

Aaron, despite everything, has absolutely no idea how someone could bring so much light into a space so accepting of the dark.   
  


—

“Just chop some onions Aaron, I’m not asking you to grow them.” Robert turns and stares for a second before he looks back, looks away again.

He’s making dinner. A last supper or something and Aaron isn’t sure why exactly he’s bothering. 

There’s a tugging in his chest as he slices onions, slides them into a pot Robert’s found in the back of a cupboard. He lifts an eyebrow when Robert starts stirring things around, shoulders hunched and hips swaying. 

He looks excited. Happy. He looks exactly how Aaron wants him to. 

“How’d you learn to cook?” Aaron watches, arms crossed over as Robert works some sort of magic. He plates up something that looks more than just edible and Aaron leans down with a smile. 

Robert shrugs. “Just watched my mum. What she did, what she didn’t do.” He scoffs. “Went from there really.”

Aaron smiles. “Well you’re good. You didn’t have to do this.” He looks around the small space and realises he’s never shared a proper meal at this rickety table before. 

“I wanted to.” Robert shrugs. “Thought it’d be ... a nice ending.”

Aaron frowns, finds it hard to breathe for a second. “Sounds like you’re reading a poem.”

Robert half smiles. “You know I’ll ... I’ll miss you.”

It’s something skating around them. They’re in the middle of it, watching the words swirl but not exactly hit them. It’s like they’re not letting it rush towards them, burst, let them and everything fall.

But Robert does it. He breaks it in half.

Aaron looks down, fork stabbing and eyes stinging. “I’ll miss you n’all.”

Robert nods. “Me or my cooking?”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “You. Just you.”

Robert scrapes his chair closer to Aaron’s so that they are touching. He brushes his knee against Aaron’s and holds Aaron’s face, has it cupped it in his hands. 

Aaron closes his eyes, closes in to kiss Robert and then pulls away again when Robert stares at him funny. Aaron has a hand stroking Robert’s face, frowns. He wants to look inside Robert’s head, ask over and over again why he can’t just _stay_.

“What?” Robert strokes a hand over Aaron’s hair, smiles gently but with concern in his eyes.

Aaron breathes in, thinks about asking Robert to stay, thinks about trapping him in some way and he can’t. “Nothing. Come here.” He leans in, kisses Robert gently and only pulls away when his phone starts ringing. “It’s my mum, I should get this.”

He sits on his bed, kicks the floor before finally answering.

“Hello? You alright?” Aaron smiles a little as he hears her voice travel through the line.

“Now I’m speaking to you I am.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Ever the dramatic.” He stands, goes towards the window and stares up at how the half moon in the sky looks.

“I haven’t heard from ya, I just had a feeling something wasn’t right.”

Aaron twitches. “I’m fine.” He should have it tattooed on his face, wonders if his mum counted every time he said it he’d be way into the thousands. “More than fine.”

“Yeah?”

Aaron closes his eyes. “This place mum ... never really knew how amazing it is.”

“Paris?”

“No, Kenya. Mum, keep up.”

“Well I don’t know, you could go anywhere.” His mum flaps, he pulls the phone away from his ear for a second.

“No.” Aaron chews his lip. “I really couldn’t.” He sighs. “It’s risk enough being here ain’t it?”

He hears Chas think, knows she’s worried again.

“But things are good on this end. I promise.” He _promises_, he means it in a way he never has before.

—

Aaron hasn’t meant to be so long. The dinner’s probably stone cold now and Robert is probably annoyed about it.

“I’m s—“

Aaron turns the corner to the kitchen and stops dead when he doesn’t see Robert. The plates are exactly where Aaron left them, barely touched.

Suddenly, like a firework has gone off, he feels this unease race through him. The lights are off in the living room so he searches the room almost blind. Then he sees him, Robert hunched, hands clasped and shoulders shaking.

“Robert?” Aaron dares to say something, can’t stand here and not do anything. “Robert, what’s happened?”

Robert looks up, his eyes are small and red and he shakes his head sadly. “Andy called again.”

Aaron’s shoulders slump as he comes over to Robert. “You’ve got to stop letting whatever they think get to —“

“He said there was something wrong. He’d been ringing and ringing.”

Aaron frowns as Robert looks right at him.

“He said that my dad ... he’s dead.”

—

Robert almost folds over as he tries not to cry, Aaron watches with tears in his eyes and nothing able to come out of his mouth. He reaches out, grabs hold of Robert’s hand and squeezes down.

“I’m so ... I’m so sorry.” Aaron blurts out, he shakes his head. “I don’t know what to ...” He gulps hard. “What happened?”

Robert pulls his hand over his wet face. “He wasn’t feeling too good for a while. Andy knew. Apparently my dad didn’t want me to know.” He shakes his head. “He had a heart attack.”

Aaron looks down. “When?”

Robert shrugs slowly. “Two days ago.” He says. “So after I shouted at him that I was fucking a man.”

Aaron scowls. “Don’t do that.”

“Do what? Blame myself. Yeah maybe I didn’t give him that bad heart but I added to it. I did.” Robert sniffles, runs a hand over his hair and then looks down at the hand in Aaron’s. “I shouted at him.”

“He shouted back Robert.”

“Now he’s dead.” Robert bites his lip. “And I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to say sorry.“

Aaron keeps shaking his head. “For what?”

Robert shrugs again, his shoulders slump further as he looks down. “Don’t know.” He sounds like a child, his voice breaks and Aaron swoops up to pull him into a hug.

Robert clings, arms tight around Aaron until he pulls away again.

“Vic’s in bits.” Robert sniffles again, bounces his knee. “And Andy. He said he’s been trying to tell me but I was ignoring him. And I _was_. I didn’t want him to ruin ... memories here.”

Aaron gulps hard. “I get it.”

“He didn’t. At all.” Robert rubs a hand over his forehead. “He’s dead Aaron. Just like that. How can he be here, on my mind and then the next ... he’s just gone?”

Aaron rubs Robert’s knee. “Hey. It’s ... it’s not like that when you lose someone. He won’t be gone.”

“Sort of wish it was that easy.” Robert stops himself, almost sobers. “Shit. That was horrible. I shouldn’t ...”

Aaron holds the back of Robert’s neck. “You say what you like. You’re —“

“Grieving?” Robert pulls a face. “Yeah. I’ve been here before ... with my mum. That was sudden too you know?” Aaron stares. “She ... Andy didn’t know she was in a barn, set fire to it.”

Aaron looks up, stunned. “I didn’t know that.”

“I didn’t tell you.” Robert looks down at him. “Sort of didn’t want that look.”

Aaron looks away. “This ain’t pity.” He says. “I just ...” He huffs. “I’m sorry.”

Robert shakes his head. “Don’t be.” He mumbles. “It’s not your fault.”

But it feels like Aaron’s kept him here, kept him _away_ from his family when they needed him.

Aaron chews his lip. “I’m getting you a beer OK?” He comes back with one, watches Robert staring into thin air on the sofa before he passes the bottle over. 

Robert sips, and then drinks faster before sighing.

“I wanted to see him.” Robert explains. “Despite what I said to him on the phone. I wanted to speak to him in person, let him know that I missed home, missed him.”

Aaron nods and then feels Robert leans back into him on the sofa. He’s warm and yet feels like ice at the exact same time. There’s a sadness to every breath Robert takes, a constant tearing of something over and over again.

He holds Robert, has a hand down towards Robert’s stomach and strokes his thumb gently across the soft skin.

“He knew you loved him.” Aaron says. “That what you did, you were sorry for.”

Aaron closes his eyes and kisses Robert’s head. He brings Robert closer and then sighs. “He knew.”

“He didn’t forgive me though. He never said he did and now he never will. It’s too late for that.” Robert shudders. “I’m too late.”

“Stop blaming yourself.”

“I had to leave ‘cause of my own actions Aaron.” Robert sits up, stares. “Because of how stupid I was.”

Robert rubs a hand over his face again and Aaron leans closer. “You weren’t stupid. You were ... OK maybe a bit but the point is you’re sorry.”

Robert nods. “Yeah. I am. But where’s that got me?” His chin wobbles and Aaron’s struck by how hurt he can feel about someone else’s pain. He thinks of Adam, how he felt then and how it doesn’t seem to compare to this ache in his chest.

“You need to try and get some sleep.” Aaron’s hand falls on Robert’s face. “Not just sit thinking for hours.”

Robert shakes his head. “I can’t.” He says. “All I can think about is him laying there ... somewhere, anywhere just ... just dead.” He brings his knees to his chest and sways slightly. “My own dad.”

Aaron goes to touch him and then he pulls away when Robert stands. “I need some air.”

“No.” Aaron says. “Don’t be on your own. Not now.”

Robert shakes a hand in Aaron’s face, looks away. “I don’t deserve your ...” He steps back. “You. I don’t deserve ...”

Aaron swoops closer, holds Robert’s’s face. “You do. You _do_.”

Robert’s chin wobbles again and he hugs Aaron. He wraps his long arms right around Aaron’s frame, squeezes to feel more of him. “What do I do now?” He mumbles. 

Aaron shakes his head sadly, brings Robert into his bedroom and under the covers. He waits a second before answering.

“You take each day as it comes.”

“Like tomorrow.” Robert gulps. He’s just a face as the sheets wrap around his body tight. “I’m going back. Perfect timing right?” He blinks gently. “Then after that ... the day after ...”

Aaron frowns for a second, feels something coming.

“His funeral.”

“That quick?”

“Andy said they sorted it out. He said it was keeping him sane, organising stuff. Only he could think that.” Robert shakes his head. “I can’t do it.”

“You can.” Aaron says. “Of course you can.”

“Sit around with people who love him say how much they loved him?” Robert pulls away. “Feel like a fraud. I haven’t got it in me.” He shudders, tears falling.

Aaron gulps. “You do.”

“If you’re there I would.”

“What?”

Robert nods like he’s certain. “If you came with me for the funeral, if I had a mate Aaron.” He looks away. “I could do it with you there with me.”

“I don’t ...”

“Please Aaron. Will you come back with me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully you enjoyed it despite the cliffhanger lol. Things are definitely about to get very very messy.


	15. A brave new me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron faces an impossible decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Shortish chapter here due to me working on my Big Bang but I hope you enjoy anyway. Keep comments coming if you can!

  
Aaron hasn’t slept. He’s just staring at the way Robert’s body rises and falls and then rises again. He’s fallen asleep somehow and Aaron just can’t look away from him.

There’s something in his mind going round and round begging him to listen to what Robert wants, what _he_ wants too.

And then he comes back to his senses again, falls flat down to Earth with a massive thud and realises he’s stuck. 

—

His mind screams, he thinks of walking towards the village and hearing sirens and being trapped.

He thinks of bloody Adam and how this whole mess started. 

—

Aaron climbs out of bed eventually, busieshimself with making Robert a cup of tea and trying not to put too much milk in for him. He knows how he likes it, he knows _him_.

Robert is so sleepy, his eyes are firmly shut and his mouth is half open with his arms reached out for Aaron despite him looking down on the bed. He looks like he’s never needed someone as much as he does now.

Aaron’s never felt so cruel before.

Eventually Robert opens his eyes and Aaron bends down, strokes Robert’s arm uselessly.

“Morning.” Aaron says, he watches Robert get up slowly. “Made you ...”

Robert takes it with a hollow smile, sips with his head down and the trees outside seem to fill the silence in the room with their whistling.

“You ... not OK, stupid question sorry ...”

Robert gulps. “Still hasn’t sunk in yet.” He bites his lip.

“It’ll take time.”

“Like your answer.” Robert gulps. “You didn’t give me one last night, said we’d talk in the morning like I’d change my mind but the funeral’s _tomorrow_ Aaron.”

“I know.” He knows. Of course he knows, it’s not like he’s managed to think of anything but since he found out about it.

Robert sighs. “I can’t do it. I can’t stand there and cry and pretend like they don’t know dad hates me.” He pauses and then sighs. “Hated.”

Aaron gulps down something. “You can do anything, you’re stronger than you think.”

“With you.”

Aaron looks away. “Robert. I can’t.” He says, and it hurts everywhere.

Robert nods his head. “You don’t want to.”

Aaron runs a hand through his hair. “Robert, going home was always something you were going to do. You don’t need me there. They’ll just ask _why_ I’m there and it should be about his funeral.”

Robert frowns. “I do need ya.” He blurts the words out and then he stops, face pinker than it was before like he’s embarrassed. “Forget I said ...”

Aaron wants to, he really does but he can’t. He watches Robert get up and start looking around for his things. He only stops when Aaron tells him to. “I have a train to catch.”

“Robert, I’d be there if I could.” 

Robert grabs his bag, starts stuffing things inside and shaking his head. “So what’s stopping ya?”

Aaron blinks quickly, has a hand around his middle. “Work.” He lies. “I can’t just leave Robert. I have to give notice, I have to ...”

Robert looks at him, eyes narrowing. “No.” He says. “There’s something else.”

Aaron shakes his head dramatically. “No.” He says. He holds his hands together and shudders when Robert walks into the bathroom and gives him a chance to breathe.

“I know it’s a big ask but ...” Robert looks at him with big eyes. “We’re mates aren’t we?” He frowns and Aaron looks away. “Aren’t we?”

“It’s not about that.” Aaron scratches an eyebrow, wavers on the way Robert looks at him. 

“It’s too much to ask.” Robert sighs. “I know that, I do. But you could visit your family too?” He sounds so desperate and Aaron starts to hate himself. “You could ...”

“Could what?” Aaron tries so hard not to cry. “Drop everything here? I couldn’t. I’m sorry but ...” For a second he thinks shouting will be better than anything else, making Robert hate him. But then Robert’s eyes widen. 

“Ed.” 

Aaron looks at the way Robert’s body hunches, hair flat against his forehead and a frown deepening on his face. 

“No.” Aaron shakes his head. “That has _nothing_ to do with —“

“He’s _back_.” Robert chews his lip. 

“So?”

“You must still have feelings for him.” 

Aaron pulls a face. “Not the way you think. _I_ ended it with _him_. Me.” He comes closer. “Don’t ...”

“He was here wasn’t he? He came to see you.” Robert looks up towards the ceiling. “You can tell me if you’re seeing him again.”

Aaron stands. “I’ve been here with you all the time, you idiot.”

Robert has tears heavy in his eyes and he frowns. “I’m not stupid Aaron. I saw how he looked at ya.” He steps back slightly and starts packing again. Aaron wipes furiously at his face as Robert turns his back on him.  “I don’t want to ruin things for you two.”

Aaron feels something inside him start to chip away. “You’re not ruining _anything_. There isn’t anything to ruin.”

“I’m your mate.” Robert almost steps on the words as he speaks. “I don’t want to be in the way so ...” He turns around again and then looks at his feet. “I hope things work out.”

“Robert ...” Aaron wants to blurt the words out, wants them to be free even though he really isn’t. He stops himself, pauses. “I’m sorry.” He says heavily, instead of saying everything he could say.

Robert shakes his head, brings his bag over his shoulder. He looks like he’s trying not to cry. “Don’t be.” He holds a hand over Aaron’s face. “This was meant to be fun wasn’t it?”

Aaron nods his head slowly.

“And it has been.” Robert smiles weakly. “You’ve ... meant so much.” He leans in, looks into Robert’s eyes like he’s asking for permission and Aaron brings him in to kiss him hard.

He wraps his arms around Robert tightly. “I’m so so sorry.” He closes his eyes, breathes Robert in and strokes his hair slowly before Robert moves out of his grip.

Robert looks at him, and Aaron knows he must know something. He looks away though, sniffles and watches Robert get towards the door.

“Tell — tell me how it goes yeah?”

“It’s a funeral.” Robert looks down.

“I know but ...” Aaron’s eyes flicker. “I just want to know ...”

He just wants to keep knowing him.

Robert nods, tries to smile and then he’s taking something out of his bag and holding it in his hand. Aaron gulps hard when he realises it’s a key.

“Here.”

Aaron takes it slowly. “Robert ...”

Robert nods gently against something Aaron can’t say and then he leans in, kisses Aaron’s cheek almost too sweetly before he goes.

Aaron watches him disappear from the window, knows he hasn’t cried like this for what feels like a lifetime. 

—

The window has never been cleaner. He’s staring out and watching the world go by despite not wanting to see any of it.

He’s thinking of trains and goodbyes and this gnawing away inside him. It’s something he can’t get passed, something that makes him think of everything he could have done and can’t. 

For a second, he thinks of his mum, the way she hugged him fiercely and told him that he should go and live a full life.

He feels hollow against the memory of the memory.

There’s a knock, and then a figure by the door and Tracy stands with a soft look on her face. “Hey. Think that’s clean enough now.” She points and he drops the sponge before looking down at the floor.

“Cheers.”

“What’s ...” Tracy frowns. “Is it Mr Re—“

“I _said_ he wasn’t that.” Aaron snaps, he balls his hand into a fist and gulps. “Sorry.”

“Well what happened?”

Aaron feels himself turn cold. “He’s gone.” He says slowly. “He went home, he had to.”

Tracy pulls a face, comes closer. “Oh. Well there’s always texting, you can visit too.”

Aaron closes his eyes against it. “He wanted me to go with him, just ... for a day or two but I couldn’t. He needed me and I couldn’t help.”

Tracy tuts. “Aaron, you weren’t even together.”

“Doesn’t matter.” It didn’t, because stupidly sometimes it felt like they were a boring old couple, still seeing the world, still being happy. 

“You didn’t owe him anything.”

Aaron bounces his knee, thinks of the word honesty until he’s dizzy. “Felt like I did.”

“You can’t help everyone Aaron.” Tracy says with a sigh, runs a hand over his back and then smiles. “And you can still text if you ...”

“I wanted to help _him_ though.” 

Aaron hears her say something about being sorry, then she asks if he wants a hug and he shakes his head for a second before she’s squeezing him and he closes his eyes around it. 

—

He slopes off early and sits on a bench near his instead of going inside. He doesn’t want to, feels this gnawing of guilt run through him whenever he thinks of the way Robert left. 

There’s a vibrating in his pocket that makes him yank his phone out. For a second his mind tells him it’s Robert, but it isn’t. It’s his mum, she’s forwarded him this message straight out of a Clinton’s card. 

The gist of it is all about being happy, chasing your dreams, making things count

Any other day he’d pull a face and shove it back in his pocket, silently call her a psycho and wonder what’s made her such a motherly mother lately. It’s the distance, he knows it is. 

But now, he’s rubbing tears away from his eyes and trying not to draw attention to himself. It doesn’t work though, there’s patches of dark in the sky and clouds are swirling grey and Ed is standing over him.

Aaron sighs, rubs his hands roughly over his face. “What do you want?”

“Tracy rang me. She said you needed someone.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “I’m fine.” He breathes out deeply. “You should be too, Robert went.”

Ed doesn’t say anything for a while. “Well, you said he was always go—“

“His dad died. Suddenly.” Aaron looks up. “So he had to go. I didn’t even ... get to say goodbye properly.” In his head it didn’t happen like that, in his head he had time to say the things he wanted to say. 

Ed’s mouth opens. “I’m sorry.”

Aaron sniffs. “He wanted me to go with him. For the funeral. His dad was ...” He balls his hand into a fist. “He didn’t understand him, not the way I do. And he asked me if I would ... but I couldn’t.”

Ed says. “You made the right decision.”

Aaron looks up. “For who? Me. Not him.” He sighs. “And that matters.” 

“He matters?” Ed’s jaw clenches and Aaron goes to stand, realises he doesn’t have time to try and spare Ed’s feelings here. “Aaron. You couldn’t risk it.“

Aaron stands, shakes his head and shrugs. “I could be careful.”

Ed scoffs. 

“I did it before didn’t I? I got out.” Aaron says and everything begins to vibrate inside him as he realises what he’s saying, “The funeral’s tomorrow, I could go and come back quick enough.”

Ed shakes his head. “Like it’s that simple. Like you wouldn’t go and see your mum, _Adam_, Cain, whoever else.” He flaps his hand down against his side and Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Like you wouldn’t make the most of it.”

Aaron shakes his head, it’s scary how much he hasn’t even thought of them. “I’d just be with him, be there, then I’d come right back.” He watches Ed look away. “He needs me.”

“He has a family.” Ed puts his hands in his pockets as the wind picks up around them. “No?”

Aaron blinks, wants to shake Ed. “They don’t understand him, I already said.” He runs a hand over his face. “He’s alone really.”

Ed’s face is a picture, he scowls, says. “You’re insane.” He means it; he steps back and shakes his head. “He isn’t your problem.”

“He isn’t a problem.”

“He is from where I’m standing.”

Aaron scowls at him. “From where you’re standing you have no idea about me and him.” He shouts, then leans back and breathes out sharply as he sits again. “He needs me. I think I need him too.”

Ed scrapes his foot against the gravel.

“I know I shouldn’t.” Aaron says, he claps his hands together. “But I understand him, I understand what he’s going through.”

“And what about what _you’re_ going through?” Ed crouches down and his massive frame almost makes Aaron laugh. “If they catch you there ...”

“They won’t. I’d make sure of that. I’d be there for the funeral, that’s it.”

Ed looks at him with quiet thought in his eyes. “Do you lo—“

“Don’t be stupid.” Aaron shudders, rubs a hand over his thigh. “Don’t say that.” He stands again. “Look, I don’t need your say so.”

“You’ve always needed someone to keep you out of trouble though.” 

Aaron looks at him. “I ain’t your problem anymore.”

“So I should just stand back and let you make mistakes.”

“_Yes_.” Aaron snaps. “But this isn’t one. So leave me to it.” He starts walking before Ed speaks again. 

“So that’s it? You’re risking everything for one day with him.” Ed scowls. “Wonder how useful you’ll be for him when they catch ya and lock you up.”

Aaron turns. “Cheers.”

Ed keeps firm. “Just _think_.”

“I have.” Aaron nods with this certainty that nearly knocks him over. He just knows and he can’t explain it. “And I’m doing it anyway.”

Because fuck logic. 

—

His knee jumps up and down over and over again as he waits for his ticket to go through, the confirmation of it all to be final. His laptop swirls and swirls a loading symbol for what feels like hours and Aaron just sits and waits.

He waits and waits until there’s a green tick forming and he’s breathing out deeply as he sees what time his train leaves. 

There’s enough time to pack, he shoves in a jumper and then pauses when he sees Robert’s belt heavy and solid on the floor. He picks it up, holds it out in his hands and shakes his head.

“I’m crazy for doing this.”

He is, he’s an absolute nutter for walking back into a burning building when he’s already been rescued. But it doesn’t stop him, he doesn’t really know what would considering he’s rationalised everything.

He’s going for the funeral, coming straight back. 

He won’t get caught, he won’t.

—

He remembers being petrified, remembers Ed not being enough to make him feel like he was losing everything. He remembers his mum crying and him handing over a passport with shaky hands.

This time around he’s more determined, he gets passed all the checks without a second look and only slightly causes alarm when he doesn’t answer straight away to Mr Matthews. 

He pretends he’s tired, gets away with it and watches the sky turn from orange to blue as he waits. He hasn’t slept, spent the night thinking of prison cells and what Adam would say.

He should be worried, scared, _something_ like that but he isn’t. Instead he’s thinking of how Robert is feeling, how messed up things must be in his head.

It gets him through whatever else there is to worry about. 

—

He gets there alright, the sky is murky and greying and he isn’t surprised in the slightest. He arches an eyebrow as he zips his hoodie up tighter and then looks around for somewhere to get changed.

He’s bought a suit, his only suit, it’s thankfully black and Ed’s probably got something to say about how it will double up as his court one in a few days.

For his own good he shuts Ed’s stupidness off and marches towards the toilets before re-emerging and calling a cab. 

—

The air is just the same, sweeter and dirtier at the exact same time. It smells of farm. The only colours for miles and miles are green and brown and he’s already sick of the hills and hills and hills. 

He feels hidden for the first time in years, slowly takes his hoodie down and keeps walking down the path as he takes in the surroundings. This place, Emmerdale, is almost entirely too picture perfect and Aaron looks around with wide eyes.

There’s a pub, and a cafe and a shop but hardly anything else and Aaron smiles at the simplicity before he sees a path heading towards a farm. He goes towards it before he spots a cemetery, spots people moving towards a small church.

Then he sees him, hair flat and golden and holding onto Victoria. Aaron’s eyes flicker as he sees her, feels like smiling because she somehow represents everything before things went wrong. Before he had to grow up.

His eyes are glued to the scene, to Robert, with his head down and this slowness to his walk like he can’t bare it all.

It’s enough to make Aaron start walking towards them, step into the village and sets his sights on the church. Then he feels himself being almost pulled back and he turns with wide eyes.

“What the _hell_ are you doing here?”

Aaron just has his mouth open, eyes darting as he sees her let go of him and hold a tray of something under her arm. She looks like she wants him sixth feet under.

“Mum ...”

She’s already shaking her head at him. 

Absolutely fantastic.    
  



	16. Almost the way it could be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is defiant in his stance, Robert’s admission leaves him stunned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things have been hectic but here’s the next chapter.

  
Aaron just stares at her, wills himself to speak as she keeps shaking her head and tries in vain to cross her arms over. He notices the tray she’s carrying is full of sandwiches and she turns to put it on the roof of her car meters away. 

He hadn’t even heard her pull up, he’d been so concentrated on looking at Robert.

“Well?” Chas frowns, and then she’s cupping his face, she’s melting into a proper _mother_. “My boy.” She throws herself into his arms and he can’t explain how it feels to be held by her again. He feels like a tiny little boy and he smells thesea of the beach until she pulls away and slaps him square on the chest. “It isn’t safe ... you can’t be here.”

“I know mum.”

“But?” Chas’ eyes widen. “You’re here anyway. Your ...” She stops herself. “Is Ed with ya?” 

“No.”

Chas scowls. “So _why_ are you here? He’s just — let you come here on your own?”

Aaron rubs a hand over his face. “He didn’t let me do anything.”

Chas frowns. “You know what I mean. You’re meant to be looking out for each other.”

“It’s not his problem.” Aaron says.

“Well you are.”

“I’m not. Not anymore.” Chas looks at him and he feels this thud of guilt, like he’s let her down or something. “We broke up.”

Her eyes are wide and sad. “What? No. No, when?”

“Months ago.” Aaron says, and apparently he’s an idiot for not telling her considering she rings him ten times a week. “I didn’t want you worrying.”

Chas crosses her arms over and then tuts, holds his arms instead. “So you’ve been ...”

“Couldn’t stay at his, I’ve got my own place, new job.” Aaron shrugs. “Don’t look at me like that mum, it’s fine.”

Chas pushes away from him. “_Fine_? You’re here. You ... you idiot.” She keeps shaking her head at him. “And the suit? What is going on?”

Aaron lifts his head up and then watches Robert and his sister disappear inside the church. He looks with wide eyes, feels this pain in his chest. He wants to follow only his mum is still shrieking.

“Aaron. I swear to God you better start talking. Why are you in Emmerdale?”

Aaron gulps. “Why are you?”

“I’m catering for a flipping funeral.” Chas says. “Marlon’s made up sarnies. Jack Sugden’s. He used to sell us his stock for the pub sometimes.” She shrugs and then a truck approaches and she freaks. She pulls Aaron towards her car and yanks his hoodie back over him. “Why are you doing this love? You really want to get caught.”

“No.” Aaron hisses. “I ... I know Jack’s son.” He says, he bites his lip and looks towards the ground.

“Andy?”

“No.” Aaron clears his throat. “The other one.”

Chas frowns for a second before her face is thunderous. “The love rat who’s just come back from France.”

Aaron hates how much of a gossip his mum is, how she honestly thinks she knows everything. He nods his head gently and then hears Chas almost squeal.

“He got sent away for cheating with his brother’s wife.” Chas shakes her head and he’s sure it’s going to fall off.

“That’s not why.” Aaron hisses. “You don’t know anything about it.”

“But you know enough to risk coming back here for what? Moral support?” His mum sighs hard and then looks up at him. “You that good of a mate. He’s only been in France for a few weeks.”

Aaron nods his head. “His dad just _died_.”

“And he needs you here? He’s got a whole family.” All he can hear is Ed, all he can think about is how they both don’t understand. “What makes you so special?”

Aaron looks up, he doesn’t say a word and yet his mum already knows. She just has big wide eyes and this heaviness over her expression.

“I’ve seen this look before.” Chas says, before closing her eyes. “That _look_ in your eyes. You’re in...”

Aaron tries to stop her. “I’m _not_. He just ... needs someone.”

“You _can’t_ be needed.” Chas says. “Not by him, not by anyone here. That’s the whole point of you running.”

Aaron sighs. “You don’t think I know that? But I can’t ... just let him down.” He shrugs. “I’m sorry.”

Chas closes her eyes. “So what’s your plan? You hold his hand for a couple of hours and then go again?” Aaron nods. “Without anyone seeing ya?”

Aaron frowns, his heart starts thudding.

“Like ...”

“Like Victoria.” Chas manages to blacken clouds that Aaron didn’t know were around his head. His face falls and he breathes unsteadily. “She knows you from school.”

Aaron dips his head. “She wouldn’t ...”

“I take it he doesn’t know.” Aaron shakes his head. “So he could be in there telling Vic about ya, the _mad_ coincidence that he’s met ya.”

Aaron feels tears swell in his eyes and he has no idea why he hasn’t thought of this all himself. Then he does, he was too focused on getting to Robert to care about anything else.

His mum looks like she’s waiting for an answer. “He wouldn’t. Mum, just ...” He’s cut off by the sound of the church bells ringing and then the sound of people flooding out with people their heads down. “Great. I’ve missed the service.”

“_Good_.” Chas says. “Vic?” He can’t even be angry at her, he should be thanking her. “You haven’t even thought this through.”

Aaron watches Robert walk with the others towards the cemetery. There’s a coffin. Of course there’s a fucking coffin.

“I’ll wait.” Aaron says, nods. “Until no one’s about. Shouldn’t you be ...” Chas springs to life again and looks at the pub. 

“Hide in there.”

“You what?”

“In the cellar. For now.” He looks away and she sighs. “I’m not leaving you out here.” She grabs his hand and he follows her.

—

He can hear everything from down here, he sits cross legged and looks at the ceiling for what feels like hours until he hears a banging and his mum is standing there.

“Alright?” She asks, her heels click against the floor. “Some dozy cow behind the bar didn’t even notice me passing.” 

Aaron gulps. “Probably ‘cause there’s a funeral on.” He says. “Is he there?”

Chas looks like she’s swallowed a fly. “Was. He went.”

“When?”

“Just now.”

Aaron goes to get up and she stops him.

“I should tell Cain you’re here, let him help you out again.”

“I won’t need it.” Aaron goes to hug her and she folds her arms. “Mum.”

“How’d you meet him?” Chas strokes her arm slowly. “In Paris, I’m assuming.”

Aaron closes his eyes and smiles. “Sort of bumped into me.” He says, opening his eyes. “Ruined my work shirt.”

Chas’ eyes flicker. “And then you ...”

Aaron clams up, “We’re mates.”

Chas scoffs. “I bet.”

Aaron scratches his eyebrow. “OK, it’s complicated.”

“Oh I think that’s obvious love.”

Aaron tilts his head down and thinks hard.

“I heard him say he was going to the cemetery to be alone.” Chas looks up like she just wants to keep talking to her son for as long as she can. It makes Aaron feel this gnawing sense of guilt.

“How have you been?” Aaron asks cautiously. Chas looks away. “I do care.”

“You also like causing me heart attacks.” Chas snaps but there’s not a lot of heat in her voice anymore.

Aaron smiles weakly. “I’ll stop one day. I promise.” He says before he gulps hard. “I know you hate this.”

She’s got better at making out her son is seeing the world and isn’t trapped in this really sad way.

“I’m grateful.” He says, then he watches his mum roll her eyes.

“Wish I could say the same about Adam.”

Aaron frowns. “What’s that mean?”

“Nothing.” Chas says, she shakes the thought away and cups his face. “Go and ... be a mate.” He doesn’t know why his eyes are filling with tears again. “You’re such a ... a good person. Do you know that?”

Aaron nods his head weakly and has his arms wrapped around her tightly for the first time in too long.

“Be safe. Let me know when you’re back in France.”

Aaron nods. “Love you mum.”

Chas smiles. “Love you too.” She squeezes his cheek like he’s five and he rubs at his eyes as she pulls away.

Aaron nods against something again and then follows her up the stairs and out the door. 

—

It’s raining, not pouring but enough to keep his head down a little and tentatively walk towards the cemetery. It only takes a second for him to see Robert. He’s just staring down, hands in his pockets as the rain hits him.

For a second, Aaron forgets that Robert hasn’t expected him. He goes to move over towards him and then Robert looks up like he’s almost sensed him. 

“Aaron?” Robert’s voice hits everywhere. It makes Aaron’s heartbeat pound in his face.

Aaron smiles. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.”

Robert’s eyes are red raw, he’s been crying buckets and Aaron can’t help but feel for him. Robert dips his head down and then holds Aaron’s arm before bringing him in to a hug.

Aaron closes his eyes around it and holds on until Robert pulls back, still grips on to Aaron’s arm. It feels so good to be this close it’s almost scary.

“You’re here now.” Robert’s chin wobbles and he clears his throat. “That’s ... it’s all that matters. You came.”

Aaron frowns. “I couldn’t clean windows all day when you needed me.” He searches something in Robert’s face. “How was it?”

Robert frowns. “Vic kept crying.” He breathes in. “And it hurt. She was ... was a mess for the most part. Only brightened up when Andy said the eulogy.” He sighs. “He said loads of stories I remember from when we were kids, how he was a great ... a great dad.”

Aaron sighs.

“Kept saying he’s a good man.” Robert frowns. “Was.”

Aaron blinks, has his arms crossed. “Sounds ...”

“Shit?” Robert nods. “Yeah. It was.” His shoulders relax and Aaron leans towards him a little. “But I got through it.”

“Did you say something?”

Robert frowns. “In front of them? Nah.” He shakes his head. “I couldn’t do anything other than sit there and hold it all in.”

“You don’t need to now.” Aaron blurts out. “No one’s ... they’re not around. Just me.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “Don’t even know what to say.” He shrugs, his face is almost transfixed on the heap of mud and the small cross. “Doubt he’d want me to say anything.”

“What about what you want?” Aaron asks, gentle and yet direct enough to make Robert stand straighter.

“Just want to say ... I’m sorry.” Robert looks down and then up again. “Not ... not because of who I am. No. It’s ‘cause — I’m sorry we could never put it right. I’m sorry if you died thinking I hated ya. I didn’t.”

Robert sniffles, pulls back. “I hate what you thought of me though, what you made me think of me.”

He looks up and Aaron can’t help but hold him loosely around the middle. He watches Robert’s chin wobble and wants his sadness to stop more than anything else.

“Think you needed to do that.” Aaron bites his lip. “Sometimes it helps, speaking like they’re right here listening.”

“Think so too.” Robert says. His feet are rooted in the grass and he tilts his head up at Aaron with a strong look of something on his face. “You know my mum’s here too.”

Aaron feels this pang of something, it feels a lot like guilt. “You want ...”

Robert looks down. “I don’t think I can.”

Aaron nods. “OK.” He’s suddenly struck by how stupid he is in situations like these and he can’t think of anything to say. He wants to hug Robert for hours so he knows what he can’t seem to say in words.

“I don’t want to go to the pub.”

Aaron fills something burst inside of him. He just wants to go where he can follow Robert. “OK.” He says slowly. “You don’t have to.”

“Can I show you my — the farm?”

Aaron smiles faintly. “Of course.”

Robert leads the way. It’s raining hard and Aaron’s heart is still thudding every time he hears someone or a car goes passed but the fear subsides once they’re approaching a barn.

“Smells like shit.” Aaron says, Robert looks at him.

“Yeah. Forgot that bit too.” Robert walks ahead, pushes at the barn door and practically falls in to reveal mounds of hay and a leaking roof. “Used to come here all the time.”

Aaron hesitates by the door until Robert tilts his head and gestures for him to sit beside him. There’s a slowness suddenly, a gnawing in Aaron’s gut about how vulnerable Robert is. He feels this sudden shame of lying to him, hiding things.

“You changed your mind.” Robert says to the strand of hay he’s holding like he can’t bring himself to look directly into Aaron’s eyes.

“Yeah.” Aaron kicks his foot out, scratches his eyebrow. “I had to.”

“‘Cause you felt sorry for me?”

Aaron breathes in. “No.”

“Because of ... did you and Ed ...”

“Because I didn’t want to be anywhere else when you needed me here.” Aaron shrugs down his thoughts and then looks at Robert sitting so close to him. 

“Really?” Robert whispers the word and Aaron isn’t sure why he’d ever doubt it.

Aaron sighs. “I shouldn’t have let you even think me and Ed were back on. We’re not. We’re done Robert.” He looks at him closely. “Me being ... it had nothing to do with Ed.”

Robert looks like he’s going to fold over as he sits. “Yeah?” Aaron nods. “Then ...”

“I was just ... it was work and it was ... I was scared I wouldn’t be enough.” And that’s true, it really is. “That I couldn’t help ya the way you needed to be helped.”

Robert frowns. “I don’t know how I need to be helped.” He admits. “I just know you being here is ... so much.” Aaron’s eyes are wide and he feels sick. “In a good way.”

“Good.” Aaron’s shoulders relax down and he watches Robert play with a strand of hay.

“Even with your job. Won’t you have got in trouble?”

Yes. No. Maybe. “Fuck it.” Aaron shrugs and Robert tries to smile through it. It makes Aaron breathe in. “What?”

“You’re in a suit.” Robert says. He blinks gently and then claps his hands together. “A black one.”

Aaron looks down on himself, blushes. “Respectful ain’t it?” Robert looks at him like he’s in awe again. It hits Aaron like a steam train. 

“You didn’t need to come.” Robert’s eyes look sad. “I’m sorry if I made you feel ... guilty.”

Aaron shakes his head. “You didn’t.”

Robert’s nose crinkles tightly. “You should never feel guilty. Not after everything you’ve done for me.” 

Aaron gulps. “Stop saying it like that.” Robert’s face is blank. “Like you’ve just ... taken everything and not given anything back.” Robert looks away. “Like you haven’t helped me n’all.”

Robert looks at him like the thought is insane but Aaron’s just thinking about Paris and pastries and the way he felt when he came home to Robert there.

“Freezing in here.” Aaron’s changing the subject but his hands really are numb against the cold. Robert scoots closer and then he’s taking his blazer off and holding it over Aaron’s shoulders. He goes to speak but Robert just shrugs. 

“I’m used to it.” Robert says. “Used to come here when my dad ...” He looks down and Aaron feels something jolt in his chest. “And to get away from Andy.”

Aaron frowns. “How was he today?” 

“Surprisingly alright.” Robert looks up. “Thought he’d punch me.”

“Because of Katie?” Aaron stops jerking his knee when Robert blinks at him and then looks away. 

“That too.” Robert sighs. “Told you there was a lot of reasons I had to get away didn’t I?” He rolls his eyes. “I’m a mess.”

“Who isn’t?” Aaron looks at his feet and then feels something stir inside him. “D’you love her?” 

Robert doesn’t say anything at all for a few seconds and then he leans back against a stack of hay. “Not anymore more.” He says. “I don’t love her.”

It’s the way he says it that makes Aaron start nodding. He almost can’t stop. Robert stretches a hand out on the hay towards Aaron and then leans away. 

“It would have been better if he punched me.” Robert nods. “Better than him giving me this _look_ that said, I’m allowing this ‘cause dad’s just dropped dead.”

Aaron sighs. “You didn’t rise to it did ya?”

Robert looks down. “Nah. Just sat there. I just sat there wishing he wasn’t ...” His knee bounces. “Wasn’t dead. I just wish he wasn’t _dead_ Aaron.”

His head tilts, and Aaron closes in around him. He brings an arm around him and watches Robert him tilt his head into his shoulder. Robert’s crying. Aaron feels frozen against how useless he is, how he’s never ever been any good at grief and it leaves him helpless.

He feels shit until Robert brings his arm around Aaron’s middle and clings. He clings until Aaron has a hand through his hair that shakes.

“It’s going to get better.”

Robert sniffles. “How?” His voice is barely still there, he croaks out something lost. “They don’t even know about ... me liking blokes. I was going to tell them about you but I bottled it.”

Aaron feels this ringing in his ears. “You don’t have to mention me.” He says. “It’s about _you_ ain’t it?”

Robert’s eyes are red again as he pulls away. “Suppose so. Dad would hate me for saying it today. Probably spin in that grave of his.”

Aaron tenses. “He was _wrong_ Robert.”

“I know.” Robert whispers. “Doesn’t make it easier though.” He closes his eyes. “All I see is the bad, I don’t want to see that.”

“Give it time.” Aaron bounces his leg and then something takes over him. He reaches out and takes hold of Robert’s hand. “Give them time too. When you tell them.” 

Robert nods. “Andy’ll hate me.”

“Fuck Andy.” Aaron blurts out, he remembers him being a mouthy twat throwing his weight around when he’d pick Vic up from school. “If he don’t understand, he’s an idiot.”

Robert’s shoulders hunch. “Vic might. She’s still young ... ish.” 

Aaron’s throat is dry and his hands grow clammy in Robert’s. He pulls away and then watches Robert’s head tilt back as he sighs. 

“Don’t know what comes next now.” Robert looks around the barn. “With this place.”

“If your dad has a will ...”

“He does. We’re reading it through when it comes. I’m not expecting anything though.” Robert looks out into nothing and then he sighs again. “I should be in there with them, eating soggy sandwiches and looking sad.”

Aaron doesn’t want him to go, the thought stretches through him and snaps like an elastic band. 

“But I’d rather just stay here.” Robert looks at Aaron, holds his hand over his. It makes Aaron’s shoulders collapse into nothing, he nods and suddenly feels this heap of emotion weigh him down. 

“Same here.” Aaron says, not because of Vic or the police or the fear deep inside, because he just wants _Robert_. He wants this, just this, for as long as possible really. 

“Is that bad?”

“Wanting to be away from all the grief?”

Robert shakes his head. “Wanting to be here with you instead of with them.”

Aaron feels like he’s just been whacked over the head. In a good way. Maybe. He doesn’t know what to do with his face so he just stares. 

“No. Ain’t bad.” Aaron says eventually. He feels hot suddenly, takes Robert’s blazer from his shoulders and watches Robert lay down flat on his back.

It feels inappropriate to think right about now but Aaron’s struck by how beautiful he looks. Robert looks up at him with wide green eyes and Aaron can’t help but want to be with him.

Aaron settles into Robert’s side and breathes when he does, feels them almost moving together against everything else. He has a hand stroking Robert’s knuckles, gentle and soft. 

“When’s your ...”

“Not ‘till the morning.” Aaron says and then he looks up. “Are you OK?” Robert’s face is vacant as he looks at him. 

“You came. You actually ...”

“I’m sorry I said I couldn’t.” Aaron blurts out. “Made you think I ... that you didn’t have anyone.” 

Robert leans down again, an innocence in the way he nods and closes his eyes around a darkening sky. It’s been hours somehow. 

“You have me.” Aaron shouldn’t say it but he does. He actually does. Then he closes his eyes shut.

Aaron feels a hand in his hair later, a softness near his neck, a call of his name. “Aaron?” He freezes, eyes opening and he’s thankful he isn’t facing Robert. For some reason he almost knows not to answer. 

“I didn’t say thanks enough today. I meant to.” Robert whispers everything and it seeps right through Aaron. “You have no idea how much it meant, seeing you.” 

Aaron wants to turn over and kiss him but something deep inside grounds the idea to a startlingly fast halt. 

It’s Robert’s hands in his hair, gently caressing him. And then, then it’s, 

“I think ... I think I’ve fallen in love with you Aaron.”

Aaron feels like he’s just been hit by a train, a proper steam engine one with the real train noise. It feels like it’s just landed on his chest and his eyes have never ever been so wide. 

—

He doesn’t sleep a wink. He hears Robert settle down, hears him breathe in and out softly and have his hands wrapped around Aaron’s middle. Aaron turns to him eventually, the world wakes and Robert’s eyes open gently to the sound of birds outside. 

“Morning.” Aaron hears Robert’s voice, it’s filled with something gentle and he smiles. He tie is crumpled like his shirt and he shuffles so the hay moves with him. “You OK?”

_I think I’ve fallen in love with you._

Aaron nods. “Yeah.” He brings his knees to his chest and shuffles. “This is a shit bed this though.” He pulls a face and Robert smiles. 

“I promise mine’s better.” Robert says. “Doubt I’d hear the end of it if anyone saw you sneak out.” He rolls his eyes and then blinks at Aaron. 

_I think I’ve fallen in love with you._

“Can’t day I’ve ever slept in a barn before.” Aaron says. “Tick it off the bucket list.” He stops, kicks himself because he sounds stupid. “I shouldn’t have mentioned bucket —“

“Oh.” Robert sighs, understands and then scoots closer to Aaron. “Don’t worry.”

“I’m worried about you.” Aaron blurts out. “Alone here, not reaching out to anyone. I’ve been there. It’s ... lonely.”

“I won’t hide away.” Robert looks at Aaron’s hands, places his on top of his and his shoulders relax. Aaron just stares at him, heart beating in his face or something.

_I think I’ve fallen in love with you._

_I think I’ve fallen in love with you._

_I think I’ve fallen in love with you._

“Good.” Aaron shakes himself. “Because people care, they’ll ... they’ll get you through this.” He’s not even sure what he’s saying, words just run out and Robert just looks at him and then he leans in and kisses him.

His head tilts back and Aaron’s caught off guard by the suddenness. He has seconds to pull Robert closer. He does. He can’t help himself. He only pulls away when they hear a tractor. 

Robert has his forehead pressed against Aaron’s. “When do you need to ...”

Aaron sighs when he gets his phone out. “Now would be ...” He wants the world to just stop for a second. “Shit.”

“Hey. It’s OK.” Robert looks like it’s anything but, like the thought is too much to bare. 

I think I’ve fallen in love with you.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron says, he stands unsteadily and rubs a hand over his face. “I need to ...” He gets his bag over his shoulder and strips himself. For a second he watches Robert stare at his body, it feels good until it turns into guilt. 

_I think I’ve fallen in love with you._

He gets his hoodie on, jeans pulled up and stuffs the suit in the bag over his shoulder. Robert keeps staring at him and then comes closer, squeezes Aaron’s shoulders and then kisses him lightly. 

“Is this ... is this goodbye?” 

Aaron feels tears in his eyes, he bites hard on his lip and shakes his head. “I ...”

“When you visit, when you come and see your family, you can come and see me. You can, can’t ya?” 

_I think I’ve fallen in love with you._

Aaron nods his head, feels Robert’s hands travel to hold his waist. “Or you can come to Paris. There’s still places we haven’t ...”

Robert nods so readily aches. Aaron thinks about a visit, just the one and Robert and him seeing stars and rolling in bed. Then he thinks of Robert speaking to Vic, connecting dots, finding things out and hating him. 

“Yeah?” Robert whispers, like he needs to know what Aaron means. 

“We’ll see loads.” Aaron mumbles, “I ... I promise.” 

Robert breathes in, eyes flickering and he looks so relieved. 

_I think I’ve fallen in love with you._

Aaron pulls him into a hug, fierce and gentle at the same time and enough to make his heart ache. He has to lean back, he has to go. 

“I’ll see you then.”

Aaron nods. He hopes so, he was an _idiot_ to ever think that one visit would be enough. He can’t say goodbye to this. “I’ll see you then.” He says anyway.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully you enjoyed, keep comments coming if you can too, it’s lovely to know what people think will happen or just what they thought!


	17. The new normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron travels home alone and begins to suffer without Robert around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last sort of sweet chapter before everything goes Bad. Like sad bad.

  
He gets back in one piece. He sits and scrolls through his phone for what feels like hours and stares at pictures of him and Robert. 

There’s one with Aaron sticking his tongue out and Robert pulling a face because he wanted a serious one. Aaron smirks, slides and sees that Robert is kissing him in the next one, trying to put his tongue away for him.

Aaron looks and looks until his eyes are blurry with tears.

—

He sits on his bed with a thump and looks down at the floorboards like he’s waiting for something to happen. Nothing does happen. He eats a bowl of soup and sticks his head out the window to just watch the world be the world.

Later, he stares at a sock on the floor, kneels and then realises that it isn’t his. It manages to gut him really badly, make his head feel dizzy. The feeling lasts and lasts until his phone is ringing and he realises it might be Robert.

The phone rings out over and over again until he grabs it.

“Hello?”

It’s not Robert. It’s his mum. Of course it’s his mum.

“You never told me you got back alright.”

The journey was a blur, he probably looked like he’d just been punched in the face so even the police could have taken pity on him. 

“Well. I did.” Aaron gulps thickly. “Back in one piece, don’t worry.”

She does, he hears it in her absolute silence. “I ... how was Robert?”

Aaron bites his lip. “Sad.” He blinks. “But he was strong, he just got through it.” He shrugs. “I didn’t want to go mum.”

“_Love_.” He knows exactly what that means, feels like he’s being punched with her pity. “You can’t, you _know_ you can’t.”

Aaron nods his head like she can see him. 

“Doesn’t change the fact that I ...”

Aaron thinks of this massive word and what comes with it and he feels like he needs to lay down against the weight of it. 

“I wanted to stay.” Aaron breathes in deeply. “That’s all I wanted. Never thought that this would happen.” 

Chas tuts and he closes his eyes. “You never planned this, I know that but ... maybe he’ll understand.”

“Understand?”

“If you ...”

“I can’t tell him.” Aaron knows that like it’s a fact. “You know how many times I could have told him and I didn’t? I can’t mum.”

“You don’t trust him?”

Aaron feels tears prick his eyes. “He’ll _hate_ me.” He looks down at the stupid sock and sighs. “He’ll hate me so much and I can’t have that.”

“So what happens then? You just let him think you don’t care?” Aaron goes to speak and then his mum makes this sound. “Actually maybe that’s for the best.” 

He keeps looking down towards the floor, phone plastered to his ear. “Is it?” For him, for Robert it would be. “Him hating me, forgetting me.”

Chas tuts. “It’s better than dragging things out isn’t it?” She’s quiet for all of three seconds. “Does he ... feel the same as you?”

He’s not even sure how much she knows about them, what’s happened between them. There’s something pressing in his chest over and over again and he hesitates in telling her everything. 

“I told you it was complicated.” 

“Never had him down as gay from what folk ‘round here say.” 

Aaron rolls his eyes. “That’s ‘cause he ain’t.”

There’s a long drawn out pause that hits him hard. Then she makes this small sound. “A fan of both then. A fan of you?”

Aaron has a small smile on his face. “I don’t want to get into it. There’s no point is there?”

“Actions speak louder than words and all that.” 

Aaron tilts his head up. “I should go.” But she clearly doesn’t want him to, she tries to keep him talking. “Mum ...”

“I don’t want you sad love.”

“Bit too late for that.” He pulls himself up on the bed, crosses his legs over. “I’ll get over it.” He stares at himself in the window. “Now I actually need to go. So ... I’ll be alright mum.”

He thinks he can hear her crying. Shit. “I wish you could come home.”

It hits him like a steam train and he suddenly thinks of Adam. He thinks of all the reasons why he can’t and it hurts and hurts and hurts.

“I know.” Aaron wipes a hand over his face. “Bye mum.”

—

He scares his neighbour with how loud he slams the door. Then he makes Tracy look at him like he’s got a massive: My Heart Hurts almost printed directly on his forehead. 

She smiles, a little faint and then it slides off and becomes a worried look. He watches her tilt her head and sigh. 

“Alice was looking for ya, she didn’t look too happy.”

“When’s she ever.”

“Think it was about yesterday, you not being in.”

He called in sick, left a voicemail and didn’t wait for her to say it was alright. He didn’t give a single shit yesterday. 

“And coming in late today ...”

“Whatever.” Aaron looks at the view of the hotel room. He can see the bench he sat on with Robert, only someone else is there. It’s some bloke, he’s sitting all by himself until some other guy comes over and sits next to him. Then he’s kissing him. 

“Aaron!”

He looks down and sees that the bottle of cleaning spray in his grip has almost burst. Tracy takes it from him and he turns to say sorry. 

“What’s wrong?”

There’s this heavy feeling running through him, he wants to say: everything but he doesn’t. Instead he shakes his head and says he’s tired.

“Is this about the bloke?”

Aaron looks back towards the window and feels covered in her sympathy. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not.”

“Well I will be.” Aaron half shrugs and Robert’s there on his mind like some memory that can’t fuck off. “I always am.”

Tracy should go, but she doesn’t. Of course she doesn’t. “How about a night out? Come on, it might do you good.”

“What? Meaningless sex.” The thought makes him pull a face and then he trips over how she looks at him.

“Oh God.” 

It’s the exact face his mum pulled, the one that says she _knows_. 

“I’ve got windows to be cleaning.”

She takes the hint eventually, he only breathes again when she’s closing the door behind him and he’s back to looking at the bench again.

No one’s there anymore. 

—

He listens to Alice say she’s docking his wages for the week, that he’s on his final warning somehow but he doesn’t really take it in.

All he does is nod, duck out when he’s finished for the day and then hesitates on the basement floor. He looks at the door of the room, Robert’s room and then looks away again. He steps back, turns away and gets up the stairs again.

He marches down the road home, hugs himself against the cold and the rain falls hard and fast. He keeps his head down until he’s thumping into someone and for the smallest seconds he thinks it’s Robert.

It isn’t. It’s just some random idiot and he pushes past him to reach a bar, sit on his own for what feels like hours. He has a drink and then another before sloping home and finding someone leaning in the doorway.

“Robert?”

Ed leans away, comes into view. “Nope. Just me unfortunately.”

Aaron thinks about when they broke up, how he thought it’d be the last time he would see him properly. He didn’t think he’d have to keep seeing his sadness.

“What’d you want?”

“Just wanted to check that you came back alright.” Ed tilts his head away from the direction of the rain.

“Didn’t get arrested, don’t worry.” Aaron moves past him, digs for his keys and yanks the door open before thumping up the stairs. 

“Aaron.” Ed follows him towards his flat door and sighs like he’s been holding it in for ages. “What happened?”

Aaron rolls his eyes and manages to drop his keys in the process somehow.

“Are you drunk?” Aaron scowls at him. “Nearly then. Come on.” Ed opens the door for him and Aaron walks towards the sofa, dropping himself with a thud.

“Shouldn’t you be training or something.” Aaron looks down at his lap and then up towards Ed by the door. “Hurling blokes around a field.” He’s definitely not completely sober.

Ed raises an eyebrow. “That’s a way of putting it.” He blinks gently. “My shoulder, remember?”

Aaron gulps thickly. “Oh yeah.” He blinks. “You’re stuck too then.”

Ed frowns. “You’re not stuck.”

“How else would you describe this?” Aaron waves a hand out and feels his stomach swirl with alcohol as he leans back. “I would have stayed there if I could.”

He expects Ed to go but he doesn’t. He just stares at him with this heaviness in his eyes that Aaron’s used to seeing.

“But I couldn’t. I can’t ... be there for him.” Aaron balls his hands into a fist and sighs. “Because I’m _stuck_.”

“You regret what you did then?” Ed asks and it’s like he’s been slapped in the face. “Over some bloke?”

“He isn’t just some bloke.”

“Adam.” Ed says his name and Aaron breathes in. “All that stuff you said about him deserving another chance, about you living a _life_ here, it’s all gone ‘cause of him?”

Aaron huffs, looks up towards the peeling ceiling and then meets Ed’s face. “He said he thinks he loves me.”

Ed stays silent for a second before moving to sit next to Aaron. The sound of his jacket makes the room fill with noise until he stops moving. “Thinks.”

“Trust you to pick out that word.” Aaron folds his arms over and gulps. “He didn’t think I heard but I did.” He’s half smiling when Ed sighs. “I know it’s a mess.”

“He can’t love someone he doesn’t know.” Ed punches his thoughts out and leaves Aaron feeling cold. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re _not_.”

“No actually, I’m not. You should be happy he hasn’t told you to your face ‘cause you couldn’t say it back.”

Aaron looks up at him. “You wouldn’t want me too more like.”

Ed sighs. “This can’t be some _love_ story Aaron. You’re here and he’s not.”

Aaron wants to throw him out, he really does. “You’re _really_ enjoying this.”

“As if.” Ed’s always been kind, and dependable and Aaron’s always known that but he can’t help this anger he feels about him being here. “You just need to be realistic.”

“Just _go_.” Aaron says. 

“Aaron, I’m only ...”

“I’ve already said goodbye to him haven’t I? I’m not an _idiot_, I know it can’t work.” Aaron closes his eyes and then when he opens them again Ed’s holding his arm. “Ed ...”

“I don’t want you upset Aaron.” Ed says. “I don’t ...” He leans in with this gentleness and Aaron pushes him back slowly. “I didn’t ...”

Only he nearly did.

He thinks about kissing him, pinning him to the sofa and let Ed take care of him. It’d be easy, it’d be like old times. But he doesn’t want him.

Aaron looks at him and then blinks. “I think you should go.” He whispers the words and it all comes out sad and angry at the same time.

“Because of him?”

Aaron looks at him with dark eyes and this pounding in his chest that won’t go away. He just wants Robert to be sitting here instead of someone he doesn’t know how not to hurt. “Because of him.”

Ed drops his head, moves away slowly and then pulls this face. It’s like the one who pulled when Aaron said he couldn’t be with him anymore.

“I’m ...” Aaron looks down and then sees his phone going off. He sees it’s Robert. “I need to take this.”

“Is that him?” Ed huffs. “You’re only hurting yourself.”

“And you.”

Ed clicks his jaw. “Just think about it for a second.”

The phone is still ringing and Aaron sighs. “Please go.”

Ed sighs hard and then gets to the door.

—

He looks at himself in the mirror and runs a hand through his hair like Robert will be able to see him. He looks like he’s been crying, drinking too and he slaps himself lightly around the face before answering.

“Rob?” He sounds desperate, the thought seeps through him and he’d usually care more than he does right now. 

“You got back fine?” Aaron smiles as he hears his voice. “I was worried.”

“You shouldn’t be worried about me.” Aaron bites his lip and then walks towards the bedroom. He sits on the bed slowly and breathes in tightly as he thinks of something to say. “Please tell me you’re OK.”

Robert sounds like he’s trying to smile. “I’m OK, I mean ... I’m just getting by. You?”

Aaron looks down at the pillow Robert stole from him and holds it in his hand. It smells like him. “I’m alright.”

“You’re not lying to me are you?”

Aaron nearly trips up on how it feels to hear it. “Why would I be?” He plays with the hem of his jumper and then blinks. “How’s Vic?”

“Crying.” Aaron struggles against it. “But she’ll be OK.”

“I take it you haven’t told her about ...”

Robert sighs gently. “It’s just not the right time.” He says. “But I’m not denying it, denying you.”

Aaron almost smiles before he comes back to himself. “Maybe you shouldn’t mention me. I don’t want it distracting from anything.”

Robert doesn’t say anything and Aaron holds his breath, wonders how many conversations like this he’ll have with him.

“Yeah. Maybe.” Robert makes this sound. “But you said you’d visit, you will won’t you?”

Aaron supposes he should say _no_, put Robert out of this misery that he’s only adding to. There’s a banging in his head as he thinks about that barn and Robert’s arms around him and the way it felt like they were closed off from everything in the world.

“I miss you.” Aaron says, without any filter left. “I miss you here.”

Robert clears his throat, there’s no room for jokes anymore in this. Aaron can practically see his eyes watering over the line. “I miss you too.”

Aaron smiles, he’s scared by just how much he needed to hear that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been on a bit of a writing splurge recently so hopefully this’ll get many updates over the Christmas break. I’ve already written ahead of this chapter so it’s just down to editing now. 
> 
> Hopefully you’ve enjoyed this. If so please leave a comment for encouragement!


	18. The obvious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron’s behaviour spirals and Robert pushes him further towards the edge

He’s got a banging headache and a pain in his stomach and yet Alice still behaves like herself. She picks and he barks and she bites so by lunch time he’s happy to be marching down the centre on his way to the cafe he usually goes to.

He’s halfway there when he sees George standing outside a building he doesn’t recognise with overalls tied at his waist. He sees him, goes to turn and then George’s walking towards him. 

“Where’s the clueless blond?”

Aaron feels his blood begin to boil. “Fuck off.”

“Oh.” George follows him, because he’s an absolute twat who has nothing better to do with his day. “So he did?”

Aaron remembers George being a shit, remembers holding back on thumping him round the face every time he banged on about him being lucky to have Ed like he was scum or something.

“What do you want?” Aaron asks, stops dead before turning and facing George. 

“Just asking.” George says with a shrug. “I take it you pissed that up like you did with ...”

“Why the fuck do you even care?” Aaron thinks of George wanting Ed for himself until it really doesn’t seem to make any sense. 

“Ed’s a mate, a decent person you fucked over.”

“A decent person who knew exactly what he was getting himself into.”

The thought that Robert doesn’t makes his head spin. 

“Yeah. A criminal _thug_ who sets fire to —“

Aaron’s a second away from punching him in the face when Ed runs up to him with Tracy flagging behind. 

“Hey.” Aaron’s got his arms raised and George looks like he’s shitting a brick when Ed comes over to them. He hurls Aaron back and holds him firmly.

“What you playing at?” Ed seethes and Aaron pushes off him with a frown plastered on his face.

“What are _you_ doing here?” Aaron looks at Tracy too. “You should be at ...”

“We’re worried about ya. I just called Ed so he’d ...”

“What, try it on with me again?” 

Ed looks down and George slaps him on the shoulder. “You’re well rid mate.” He leaves and Tracy stands there with her gob open like she’s catching flies. 

“I was going to apologise for that.” Ed frowns and Aaron squints at him. “I just don’t want you losing your head over him.”

Aaron looks up towards the sky and thinks about stars. “I’m not. I’m fine.”

“Aaron, you nearly punched that bloke.” Tracy comes closer, folds her arms over and sighs. “You’re clearly not fine.” 

And he isn’t, and it’s _shit_ and there’s also absolutely nothing that can be done about it. 

Aaron pulls his arms around himself and shudders against the way the wind blows in his direction and makes him close his eyes. Ed’s still there when he opens them, and Tracy’s still got this face on. 

“I need to go.” Aaron says, because Tracy doesn’t understand and Ed will probably try and snog him again if he cries in front of him. 

“Aaron ...” Tracy calls out for him and he keeps walking, moves quicker. 

—

After work, the sun is setting in this red hue colour that makes Aaron want to stare up at it forever. He wants the world to stop, he wants quiet. He wants to close his eyes, look up at the sky and feel a way he did when Robert was here.

He gets his phone out, sits on a bench overlooking a closed park he can’t pronounce the name of and he looks for Adam’s number. There’s this need inside of him to vent to someone who will listen and Adam and his loyalty seems to suffice. 

It rings out for ages, there’s this stretch in his chest as he waits and feels so alone it’s scary. Eventually though, he gets an answer. Someone picks the phone up and it isn’t his best mate, it’s someone asking who he is. It’s someone sounding pissed or high, off their face for one reason or another.

“Who’s _this_? Where’s Adam?”

“Adam’s ...” Aaron pulls a face and hears the sound of people laughing, loud music everywhere. “Aaron!” Adam’s voice is the same and yet different at the same time. It usually makes him smile, feel like he’s still him, but now he feels cold. “Mate, God, I miss ya.”

“Where are ya?” Aaron asks, and any hope of having a meaningful conversation flies right out of the window when he hears something smashing. “Adam!”

“I’m enjoying ... life.”

Aaron closes his eyes and feels a pang hit his chest. “Mate, you don’t sound too good.”

“I’m _all_ good.” He sort of wants to hit Adam, he feels himself getting worked up and then sighs it down. “How’s the croissants?”

“What?”

“In Paris.”

Aaron looks down at the ground and then feels it start to piss down. “They’re alright.” He brings a hand over his stomach and bounces his knee. “Listen, Adam. I just wanted ...”

“To ask if I’m OK? I am. I’m _fine_, Ross is seeing me right.”

“Who’s _Ross_?” He wants to wallop him hard. “Are you on something?”

Adam laughs, it’s deep and bellowing and yet empty at the same time. “Bro. What are you on about?”

“What are _you_ on?” Aaron stands, starts pacing up and down the street and hating what he thinks is happening. “Adam, you’re supposed to be ...”

Adam’s supposed to making the most of a free life, he’s supposed to farming and drinking pints and being _normal_.

“_God_ you sound like my mum.”

Aaron stops. “Yeah? Well you don’t sound like my best mate.” He feels tears prick his eyes, make them close shut and then open again as tears fall. 

“Aaron ...”

Aaron decides to hang up, decides to completely ignore everything that he doesn’t want to hear about what’s happened to Adam.

—

His head bangs once again. The room’s nearly spinning as he sits and tries to calm himself down. The place feels so empty it hurts and he thinks about Robert. He thinks of Adam and his stupid selfish until he kicks the chair in front of him back, hears it scrape against the floor. 

He gets his phone out and does what he shouldn’t. He gets Robert’s number up, accidentally swipes for FaceTime and then watches it connect. 

There’s this elastic band in his chest snapping as he sees an image come up, instead of Robert’s face, he sees a ceiling.

“Rob?” And he needs him, he _knows_ it, and it’s fucking annoying and relentless but he knows exactly what this is and why it won’t go away. “Are you there?”

“Yeah. I’m just ... just getting changed.”

Aaron feels this thing whack against his heart and he smiles for the first time all day. “Wouldn’t mind seeing.” He doesn’t hear anything for what feels like ages and then he frowns. “Rob?” 

There’s the sound of Robert moving and then him sighing. “I’m just ...”

“Just what?” 

For a second, Aaron thinks of Robert with someone else, _fucking_ some random because he can, because their _mates_. He wants everything to _stop_. 

And then Robert comes into view and Aaron’s eyes widen. He’s got a purple bruise forming on his right eye and it’s all Aaron can see. 

“What’s happened?”

Robert sighs. “I didn’t want you to see.”

“Well I _have_, so what’s ...”

“Andy.” Robert scratches his eyebrow and then his eyes flicker. “I told him I like blokes.”

Aaron feels everything inside him almost explode. “So he —“

“No. No. He thought it meant I was gay. So he thought ... me and Katie was just me trying to ruin him.” Robert doesn’t even sound angry, his shoulders are slumped and the light in the room he’s in makes him look so beautiful. It sort of makes Aaron want to get a grip, want to never ever feel this way again. 

“So he bought it back to himself.” Aaron shakes his head. “Why’s he such a dick?”

Robert sighs. “He said sorry.”

“Good.” Aaron shakes his head. “So he’s ... OK with it?”

“Sort of.” 

Aaron bites his lip, feels nervous. “Well what does that mean?”

“He asked if dad knew, I said he did but ...” Robert closes his eyes. “Sort of looked like he wanted to punch me again.”

Aaron grips the phone. “That’s cause he’s an idiot, you shouldn’t have to deal with him like that at a time like this. He should b—“

“I’m fine.” Robert says it like he wants Aaron to stop and it makes Aaron feel like a twat for even taking interest. 

“I’m just caring.” Aaron breathes in hard. Robert gives him this look and he can’t handle it. “What?” 

“You care yeah?”

Aaron’s mouth drops open and he suddenly hates Robert seeing his reaction. “Yeah.” He says thickly. “What sort of question is that?”

“One that I keep asking myself.” Robert says, frown deep on his face. 

Aaron’s face crumbles. “Well don’t. I ... I _care_.” There’s this knot in is stomach out of nowhere. 

“That’s why you’re there and I’m here isit?”

Aaron breathes in. “It’s more complicated than that.”

Robert gulps. “What are we Aaron?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he feels like he can’t breathe. “What’s that mean?”

“You say you miss me, but your job’s more important than —“

“Is this a lecture?” He feels walls growing higher and higher. 

Robert has this look on his face that makes Aaron hurt. “I’m just asking. I’m just _wondering_ ...”

“We’re not a fucking couple Robert.” And oh, there’s a kick right in his stomach and he feels sick. Robert’s face falls and then he’s nodding his head like he’s trying to make out how he doesn’t care, like he’s perfectly fine. 

“I know.”

_I_ _think_ _I’ve_ _fallen in love with you._

It hits so hard Aaron pulls his face away from the phone to a second and shakes his head. It’s like he’s fallen, like everything is being pushed away from him.

“And yet you _call_.” Robert gulps, Aaron sees his Adam’s apple bob. “You say you care, you say ...” He stops. “Maybe you should stop.”

Aaron blinks back tears. 

“It was a _fling_ wasn’t it?” Robert’s almost begging him to say it wasn’t, Aaron can feel it push through him and leave everything lost. “You don’t know how to end it.”

Ed’s there. His mum’s there. Adam and his _stupid_ self is there. 

“Robert ...” He has no idea what he’s meant to say, he knows what he wants to say. He knows with everything inside him but it feels pointless.

“Let me do it for you then.”

The line disconnects and Aaron shakes his head. “No. Rob, hang on.” He wishes he would but he doesn’t, he’s gone and Aaron’s phone flies halfway across the room and crashes with a bang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this isn’t longer. I’ll be uploading either tomorrow or the day after. Let me know what you thought if you have the time!


	19. Hold on a little longer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is shocked by an arrival. Confessions are made.

  
His phone’s fucked. It’s smashed and splintered and yet he still carries it around with him uselessly like it’s going to start working any second.

There’s this slump in his shoulders and a pressing in his head when he arrives at work and swiftly turns the other way when Tracy looks like she’s ready to pounce on him.

He avoids her for the best part of the morning before she knocks on his door with a flash smile that falls when she sees he’s not impressed.

“God, you can’t stay angry at me.”

And Aaron isn’t. He just annoyed and heartbroken and suddenly like a wave crashing over him he understands that he’s been dumped by someone that he cares about so much it’s a joke. Someone who wasn’t even his to begin with.

“I’m not.” Aaron looks up at her. “Could do without you calling Ed every chance you get.”

“I’m sorry.” Tracy has this look on her face. “I was just ...”

She’s like his mum but younger. Honestly.

Aaron waves a hand out, he goes to say they can leave it when she mentions his name, says, Robert.

“Just leave it.” He almost wants to forget his name, then he’s wondering how long it will take for Robert to forget him.

Tracy’s shoulders sag. “I’m sorry it ended. That’s all.”

Aaron closes his eyes, feels something burst. “Not as sorry as I am.” He shouldn’t say it but he does. He gets the words out and stares up at all the pity in her face. “You know what ... I’m due a lunch break so.”

He dodges the sigh she gives him and gets towards his local cafe. He doesn’t say please, just points at a baguette stuffed with cheese and ham.

“What?” He offers, because the girl behind the till arches an eyebrow almost in surprise until his usual server squeezes her arm.

“He’s like that.” She says, in English, broken and drenched in a French accent but Aaron hears it. “Actually ... sunshine recently.”

Aaron’s never been described as sunshine and he sort of hates it with every fibre in his soul. He shakes his head and watches her get the sandwich out for him.

“Don’t know where you got that idea.”

She passes the sandwich over and then her eyes widen. “The blond?”

Aaron’s eyes close for a second and his jaw clenches. “Do you see him?”

“One sandwich then.” 

And yeah, just the one.

—

He sees Tracy again later, she’s finishing up for work and practically corners him just to say sorry again.

“It’s fine.” It isn’t, but that’s hardly the point here.

“You can be honest with me you know.”

“Take a break from being such a _liar_.”

Tracy’s eyes are saucers. “No.” She sighs, he watches her step back and unfold her arms. “I just ... Aaron, it’s clear how you felt for him.”

Aaron feels things slow down. “Hasn’t just gone away.”

“It won’t.”

“Sort of did for Ed.”

“He’s not Ed.” Tracy tilts her head. “Am I right?” He closes his eyes and then nods. 

Aaron runs a hand over his knee and then stops. “It’s more.” He almost can’t speak. It’s like the words can’t form properly. “But it’s over.”

Tracy won’t ever understand because he won’t ever burden her with the truth. He breathes in when she look at him funny. “Sounds like it isn’t.”

“It has to be.”

Tracy suddenly holds his hands and makes him look at her. “Not if you don’t want it to be. You can make it work. You _can_.”

Aaron closes his eyes against how much he wants to believe her.

“Does he love you?”

Aaron looks up in surprise, tries to wipe tears away as he pulls his hands away from her. He nods. “He thinks. He told me when he thought I was asleep.” She looks at him like it’s dead romantic. “Tracy ... I can’t go home.” He dips his head and doesn’t want to say anything more about it.

“If he loves you, he’ll follow you here.” Aaron thinks it’s insane, thinks he won’t ever be that important. He shakes his head and Tracy pokes him. “Oi. I mean it.”

Aaron’s chin goes and he wipes a hand over his face again. “Thanks Trace.” He says, because he wants it all so desperately to be true.

—

He gets his phone fixed because he kids himself that Robert could ring any second now.

It’s this tick tock over and over again all day.

—

Aaron remembers how much he liked his flat when Robert was there. It was warm and cosy and something that he could call his. Now it’s too small and yet too big and there’s this hollowness about it that makes him want to run.

He sits cross legged on his bed and holds a pillow on his lap, thinks and thinks of Robert and what he’d be doing now. He supposes Ed’s going to be happy, that his mum can go back to not worrying about her son chucking his future away for some guy. 

It’s what it was so clearly. It was him saying he didn’t care about himself over and over again. He didn’t care about himself and yet he cares about Robert _so_ much.

He looks down at his phone seconds later and toys with the idea of trying to ring Robert. A final goodbye, a final _something_. He goes to when his phone lights up and he sees Adam calling him. 

He hesitates, lets it ring out until he gives in. He answers and holds the pillow closer towards him as Adam speaks.

“I’ve been ...” Adam starts and then he stops himself. “Sorry about before.”

Aaron can’t recognise his voice anymore, it’s almost lost. He remembers how stupid and goofy Adam was, how he was before he started setting fire to things.

“You were what? High?”

Adam scoffs. “As if.”

“I know when you’re lying. I’m your _best mate_ remember?”

Adam gives up the act because he’s an idiot. “I’m fine.”

“_Fine_?” Aaron frowns hard. “You’re on drugs. After Holly? Are you _insane_.”

“I’m not using anymore.” Adam shouts. “I’m going to be fine, I promise OK?”

“What’s that mean?”

“Someone’s seeing me right.”

“Ross?” He sounds like a massive dick and Aaron throws the pillow off his lap as he stands and gets to the window. “You idiot. You’re not risking ...”

“Enough with the lecture man.” Aaron feels his shoulders slump. “I’m making my own decisions _just_ like you’ve made yours.”

Aaron could punch him, he has his palm balled into a fist. “For you.” He says. “You twat.”

Adam sighs. “I know.” He says. “But you have _no_ idea what it’s been like.”

“Poor you. Stuck with people who love ya whilst I’m ...” Aaron pinches the bridge of his nose and thinks of Robert so suddenly that it’s almost painful. “Bye Ad.” He hangs up and tosses his phone down on the bed.

There’s this gnawing in his stomach that stretches deep down inside of him and only stops when he hears the sound of the door being knocked at.

He think of Ed being on the other side, shuts his bedroom door and slides down onto the floor. He tucks his knee up towards his chest and heaves for a second, allows himself a minute to _cry_ the way he hasn’t since this all started.

It takes over, leaves him feeling battered and bruised and broken. It hasn’t helped, he doesn’t know what will at this point and there’s nothing that can change that. Especially not the knocking at the door that won’t stop. It makes him stand, push himself to the door and yank it open. 

“Just le—“

He feels his hands start to shake as he sees who’s standing there. He’s on the other side of the door, staring right at him with this determined look in his eyes. Aaron’s mouth just sort of hangs open and his eyes flicker. He blinks once and then twice.

“Rob?” He doesn’t know how to speak and then he doesn’t have to because Robert’s moving towards him, hands cupping his face and kissing him hard on the mouth.

They stagger, Aaron’s mouth open wide and breathing into Robert’s as they crash into a door and then onto the bed. Robert won’t stopping kissing him, he’s kicking at his shoes and they’re rolling around and he feels _alive_. For the first time in so long he feels alive.

“I ... I missed you. I missed you.” Aaron’s buckling, hands falling onto Robert’s face as he leans forward and touches Robert’s forehead with this _force_ that makes him feel like he’s falling.

He’s falling over and over and over.

—

Aaron’s eyes open to see Robert in his arms and it’s the best thing in the world. It’s peace and safety and then suddenly something he doesn’t deserve. The feeling is everywhere until Robert’s leg kicks his shin and he’s back in the moment. 

He feels this rush of something, it’s deep and everywhere and makes him reach out and touch Robert’s face gently. He strokes over his cheeks, hitches a breath as the ache he feels takes over. He bites his lip and then starts tracing words over Robert’s forehead, down to his collar bone and then back up again.

Robert huffs out something and then he’s waking up, a small lazy smile on his face as his eyes flutter. “Tickles.” He pushes his head into the pillow and then pulls himself up.

“Sorry.” Aaron bites his lip, leans close because he can’t stop wanting to touch Robert.

“Don’t have to say sorry.” Robert brings a hand towards Aaron’s and clasps them together. He stares down and then up again. “What?” He whispers.

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “You’re here.” He gulps. “You’re actually here.” He shakes his head. “And I don’t ...”

“Don’t what?” Robert frowns like he’s petrified and Aaron brings a hand to warm Robert’s naked waist. 

“Don’t deserve it.” Aaron’s heart keeps thudding and he’s never felt like this. He’s got tears in his eyes and he has to breathe in to stop them. Robert look at him like he’s confused and Aaron shakes his head. “I just mean ... I missed you.”

Robert runs a hand over Aaron’s face, nods. “I missed you too.” He smiles. “I didn’t want to end it like that. I couldn’t just ...” He looks down. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry? I’m ... I’m sorry.” Aaron shakes his head and he cups Robert’s face. “I didn’t know what to say. When you rang. I didn’t ...”

“I shouldn’t have said what I did. As soon as I did I just wanted to take it back.” Robert closes his eyes and breathes in. “I just wanted to be here. I just wanted to be with you.”

Aaron feels goosebumps raise on his skin and his eyes flicker. “I missed you.” He blurts it out. “I can’t say anything else.”

Robert has a hand against Aaron’s chest and everything slows down. “Good thing I didn’t come here to talk.” He leans in to kiss Aaron and then feels them moving together until they’re panting and falling apart again. Robert gives this sweaty kiss to Aaron’s temple and slowly moves out of him again.

He looks at Aaron in this way that makes everything feel better. Then he frowns. 

“What’s that look for?”

“I thought for a second that you mightshut the door on me.” Robert hangs over Aaron, bumps their noses together for a second. “Be happy I tried to say goodbye.”

Aaron shakes his head, eyes filling with tears. “You’ve got no idea.” He holds a hand in Robert’s again. “No idea how much I missed ya.”

Robert looks right at him. “Sometimes it’s like you’re hiding.” He whispers. “From _everything_, it’s like I can’t see. That’s why I tried to stop this, it hurt too much.”

Aaron kisses Robert’s wrist, nods. “I’m so sorry.” He watches Robert fall beside him. “What made you ...”

“I told Vic there was someone in Paris.”

Aaron’s heart thuds. “Someone?”

“Yeah. You.” Robert almost laughs. “I didn’t say it was a bloke but ... she reckoned I shouldn’t have left it like I did.”

Aaron feels Robert draw small circles into his thigh. “You were protecting yourself.” He whispers. “I get that.” He knows how that feels so badly. 

“I hurt you.” Robert knows. He looks up and it’s like he sees right into Aaron’s soul. “I didn’t want to do that. I just ... I wanted you to know that I wanted you with me.”

Aaron hasn’t even allowed himself to think about Robert wanting him fully outside of this room, a bed. It feels like so much and he’s weighted by it completely. 

“Don’t know why.” He admits, out loud and making Robert look at him like he’s mad.

“Because you’re the kindest person I know. Because I feel safe with you.” Aaron’s face falls at that and he nearly looks away. “Because I ...” Aaron thinks he knows what’s coming so he kisses him instead and rolls them over. Robert looks up at Aaron and smiles. “I had to see you.”

Aaron nods, has a hand over Robert’s chest as he lowers himself back down and tucks himself besides Robert.

“Hopefully not just ‘cause you were horny.” Aaron stares down at him and Robert runs a hand through his hair before stopping. “Rob?”

“They read my dad’s will Aaron.” Robert sounds nervous, like he’s trying to say something. “I’m getting half the farm.”

Aaron makes this sound. “Half?”

“Yeah.” Robert brings a hand over Aaron’s hair again. “Andy gets the other. Vic gets the house. We’re her tenants now or something.” He dips his head into Aaron’s hair and breathes. “I want to do something with the barn. You know, like convert it.”

Aaron aches a little as Robert speaks about this future he’s going to have.

“That sounds ... that’s amazing Rob.”

“You think?” Aaron nods. “Because I wanted you to think of it as yours too.” He just says it and Aaron stops breathing. He can’t do anything other than close his eyes and try not to cry.

“Robert.” The name comes out thick and filled with sadness. Robert isn’t even really listening, he raises up on the bed and looks at Aaron.

“Hear me out. I’m not ... I’m not saying I want to _marry_ ya. But we could work on it together, Andy’d pay you so you wouldn’t have to worry about that.” Robert is this light and Aaron knows he was in such a darkness before now. He knows in this way that makes it hard to breathe. “You wouldn’t have to worry about anything.” Robert even smiles and the irony whacks him round the face. 

“Robert.” Aaron says, again. He shuffles forward and holds Robert’s face. “I ...”

“You’re not sure? I know it’s a lot to take in but I don’t want to go back without you.” Robert runs a hand over Aaron’s. “You’ll make it better, you’ll make everything with Vic and Andy so much better.”

“Just listen for ...”

“You’re scared.” Robert whispers. “So am I. But I’m here ‘cause being without you is scarier.” He gulps hard. “So I ... hey don’t ... I didn’t mean to make you ...”

Cry. Aaron’s just crying, face bright red as he strokes Robert’s face. 

“You don’t want to.” Robert whispers, he looks like he’s been kicked in the stomach suddenly.

“I do.” Aaron blurts out. “I do, I do.” He sniffs. “And I’m so sorry.” He can’t say anything else, he can’t lie anymore, he can’t.

“Why are you sorry then?” Robert pulls himself away from Aaron’s grip and frowns. “Aaron?”

Aaron almost winces. “Because I want you too, and that makes me selfish.” He looks down. “I can’t go back with you.”

Robert’s eyes are beady, there’s this look on his face that makes Aaron want to run and hide away. “You’re not making any ... if you wanted to, you _would_.”

“If I did ... if I did they’d catch me and I’d be arrested Robert.” The words run out and make everything in the room turn cold. “Because I’m on the run. I can’t ever go back.”

And everything is ruined now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh and the evilest cliffhanger because I can’t help myself.


	20. And strangers again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron reveals all

  
Robert’s face hardly changes. He just sort of frowns, almost finds it funny and Aaron aches.

“You what?”

Aaron bites his lip. “I’m sorry.”

Robert shakes his head. “If you didn’t want to be with me you could have just said.”

Aaron feels so drained it hurts but he has to do this. He owes Robert this. “I’m not lying Robert.” He closes his eyes. “I wish I was.”

Robert frowns. “You are.” He nods. “You’re lying and I don’t even know why.”

“I can’t lie to you.” Aaron wipes at his face. “Not anymore. It’s too hard.” He watches Robert climb from the bed, pull his boxers back on.

“Bullshit.” Robert shakes his head and laughs. “You came back. Did they just let you off?”

Aaron holds the pillow Robert was laying on against his chest and shudders. “It was a risk. I wasn’t thinking about them though. I was thinking about you.”

He watches it, this realisation race against Robert’s face and he’s not sure what he expected but this is so horrible. He’s pale and his eyes water, cheeks reddening.

“That’s why you didn’t want to come to the pub. The barn? We stayed the whole night.” Robert’s eyes are so sad. “I thought it’s ‘cause you wanted to.”

“I did.” Aaron says, practically shouts. “I promise you I did.” He promises and Robert just shakes his head.

“You didn’t want to get caught more like.” Robert says, eyes watering now. “And you _pitied_ me just like I said you did. Just like I said.” He repeats it, looks like he’s been kicked in the stomach.

Aaron steps forward. “It was a risk I was willing to take for _you_.” He gulps. “Because I ...” He stops short when Robert starts gathering his things. “Robert. Please.”

He doesn’t know what to do, what to say. It’s like nothing can come out right and he’s stuck.

“All this time.” Robert grits his teeth. “That’s what I can’t get my head around.”

“I couldn’t _drop_ it into conversation could I?” Aaron holds at Robert’s arm. “I tried _so_ many times.” 

“But what? Did it just not matter that much? Telling me you’re _on the run_ just didn’t matter.”

Aaron’s chin wobbles and he steadies himself. “You not hating me mattered more.” He shrugs out something and then looks at the way Robert is staring at him. “Don’t look at me like that.”

Robert breathes in. “What did you do?” He frowns and then steps back when Aaron just stares. “What did you _do_?”

“Nothing.” Aaron says. “I was looking out for a mate. He did something bad, something he regretted.” He sighs. “And I took the blame.” He remember feeling like he had to because Adam didn’t deserve any of it considering what he had been through.

“It must have been bad.” Robert probably has all these things running through his head and Aaron stops them.

“He set fire to my uncle’s garage. My uncle had an affair with his mum and it ruined his mum and dad’s marriage. And then his dad _died_. He blamed my uncle for everything and ...”

“Committed a case of light arson.”

“He was a mess.” Aaron tries. “Grieving. I just had to —“

“Be a noble, _decent_ person.”

Aaron hears the anger in his voice and comes closer towards him. He holds his hand against Robert’s arm and nods. “I was just trying to be yeah. I was protecting him.”

Robert blinks. “By signing your whole life away?”

“It didn’t _feel_ like that then. I didn’t know I’d ...” He didn’t know he’d quite literally bump into someone and fall so hard it felt like his heart was in his mouth whenever he was around him.

“Become a liar.”

Aaron tries to pull hands towards Robert. “I know. I know I am but I’m more than that.” He cups Robert’s face for a second and then Aaron feels him pull away. “That’s all I wanted to show you.”

“By not just telling me?”

“When?” Aaron argues. “When you were this stranger in that hotel room, or when we were just _happy_ and nothing was heavy, or when your dad died and you were _devastated_ and didn’t deserve ...”

“And now I do?” Robert is this ball of _something_ Aaron hates to see. He looks away and then up again. “Now, because I asked you to ...” Robert suddenly sits on the bed again and this silence drags out.

“Robert.” Aaron kneels and Robert looks up slowly. “Please talk to me.”

Robert is red and sad and lost. “I told you everything.” He looks away and back again. “I told you my biggest secret, I _trusted_ you.”

“I know.” Robert turns away and Aaron drags him back. “I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you _so_ much.”

“But you didn’t.”

Aaron feels his grip loosen. “Didn’t want you like this. I couldn’t hurt you.”

“You _have_.” Robert says. He shakes his head. “If you could have just _told_ me then I wouldn’t ...”

Aaron tries cupping Robert’s face again but he pulls away. He has his head hanging like he’s not sure what to say and it makes this ache run through Aaron.

_You’ve done this to him_. His mind shouts it over and over again and it won’t stop.

“I was just so scared you’d ...”

“Hate you.” Robert says. There’s hardly anything in his voice. Aaron can’t latch onto anything, he just has to watch with all this worry.

He knew, he knew so deeply that they’d get to this point and Robert would end up hating him so much. He knew and yet he carried on pretending like he still had time to what? Fall harder and harder and hurt both of them even more.

“Please don’t.” Aaron’s chin wobbles and his voice breaks a little as he tries to stand strong. “Don’t hate me.”

Robert’s mouth opens, he leans down, raises his hand over Aaron’s chest like he’s going to say he doesn’t. For a second, Aaron nods his head, tries to smile.

“I was just protecting a mate.” Aaron says again, and Robert drops his hand away. It’s like he can’t hear _that_ anymore.

He stiffens and shakes his head. “You were meant to _mean_ something.” Aaron’s face falls. “This, all of this ...” He looks around the room and then back at Aaron. “It was meant to mean something.”

Aaron’s crying and he’s not sure why he can’t just pull himself together but this is Robert and this is exactly what he didn’t want to have to do. He didn’t want to stand here, explain a shitty past of his and why he can’t be with him the way he wants to. “It _has_.”

Robert frowns. “You’ve been lying to me the whole time.” He whispers, but it sounds so _loud_. “That’s why you didn’t want Vic to know I’d met you, why you hesitated over and over again about coming to my dad’s funeral. It explains _everything_ and it’s ruined it.” Aaron shakes his head, wants to scream _no_. “It is.”

“It isn’t. It’s ...” Aaron holds Robert’s arm, squeezes. “The way I feel is the same. Nothing’s changed. I know that.” He’s not an idiot. “This doesn’t have to change anything.”

Robert frowns. “Doesn’t have to — are you serious? You’re on the _run_. You — it’s not like you’re going to get a slap on the wrist is it? It’s _prison_. It’s ...” He hangs his head and for the first time in nearly two years, he sees himself coping in a prison cell. “It’s _arson_.”

“He was a mess. I’ve said.” 

Robert shudders. “Why would you just give it all up? Your whole life?”

Aaron remembers it in this hazy sad way. “Jackson was dead. I was ... I felt lost. Nothing was happening, I was stuck.” He shakes his head. “It was a way out.”

Robert almost looks sorry for him and he can’t help but lean towards him. Robert steps back though, he walks towards the window.

“I was doing what was best.”

“You lied to me after everything I told you.” Robert looks at him with this worry suddenly. “You could tell anyone what I did.”

Aaron breathes in. “I’d never ...”

Robert almost remembers himself. “Yeah. You couldn’t could ya? They’d lock you up.” He folds his arms over. “You’d be ... locked up.”

Aaron nods. “I won’t though. I wouldn’t tell anyone. Not now. Not ever. I’d ... I’m not going to prison Rob.”

Robert looks at him.

“Don’t look ...”

“What did you think was going to happen?” Robert asks, voice cold suddenly. “Was I ... was I just going to ring you one day and get someone telling me the number wasn’t recognised anymore?”

Aaron closes his eyes. “I don’t ...”

“What was the plan?”

“Didn’t have one.” Aaron shouts. “I didn’t have any _plan_. Not when you came into it and changed it all. I had a plan _yeah_, to keep my head down and build something for myself but I didn’t realise that ...”

“That you’d ever meet someone?”

“Not like you.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. He falters for a second and then he comes forward and sighs.

“We can’t do this.”

Aaron holds his arm. “Please.”

“It’s arson.”

“I know what it is. I know Adam’s an idiot. Trust me.”

“Trust you?” Robert’s eyes are wet and Aaron draws in a breath.

“Please.” It comes out as a whisper.

Robert’s not even listening. “It’s ... it’s arson and what? Endangerment of life as well? At best. It could be attempted murder, it could ...”

Aaron feels this wall close in around him. “At least I didn’t actually do it though did I?” He wants the ground to swallow him up, wants it to make him disappear and never have to see how hurt Robert looks right now.

His eyes flicker and he’s pale, worn, fragile in this way Aaron’s come to absolutely hate. “Unlike me?” 

“No.”

“The one who really needs locking up. I get it.” Robert steps back and it’s pretty much like he’s entered another country. The air is probably different where he’s standing. It’s not black and misty and making his lungs feel with this emptiness.

“I didn’t mean ...” Aaron watches Robert grab the bag he has bought with him, he stuffs his phone inside and then pulls it over his shoulder. “Robert you can’t just _go_.”

“Open return ticket.”

Aaron tuts, looks up. “Not what I meant.”

“Oh apologies. I’m never quite sure what you _mean_ anymore. Like when you say you moved here ‘cause of your boyfriend’s work and not ‘cause you’re friend torched a garage and _you_ took the fall.” Robert snaps, this anger undoing something Aaron thought he could still hold on to. Robert dips his head, breathes in and then out again. “I need to ...” He turns, goes to leave and Aaron’s crying again.

“No, Robert wait.” Aaron almost lunges forward, holds Robert until he’s against the wall and Robert looks down at his mouth for the smallest of seconds. 

Aaron’s reminded of how they were only an hour before this. Robert was over him, kissing him, moving slowly and holding Aaron’s face in his hands. Aaron felt like he couldn’t stop saying he missed him, must have said it at least twenty times. 

“I don’t want you to go.” It comes out stupidly quickly, he sounds like he’s a kid.

Robert dips his head, he tries to lean away from the wall and then Aaron comes closer and has a hand on Robert’s chest again. He shakes, he’s shaking so much.

“I heard what you said, in the barn.” Robert looks up so quickly. “When you thought I was asleep. I heard and ... I feel the same.” Aaron bites his lip and tears in his eyes threaten to spill over. “I know I do. I know.” He nods his head. “Robert, I’ve fallen in lo—“

Robert has this strength that Aaron’s always seen. It’s his ability to push and push until he doesn’t hear, it’s something that Aaron’s tried to break down inside of himself for years. Robert pushes himself off the wall and looks towards the ground.

“I don’t feel the same.” His eyes bore into the wooden floor and Aaron’s face falls once again. “I said think, I was stupid, I was ... my dad just died and I was ...” He looks up. “Forget it, forget all about me Aaron.”

He can’t, he’s tried and he can’t. “You don’t think I’ve tried?” Aaron’s voice breaks again and he gulps hard when Robert looks away from him. “I can’t.” He shakes his head. “Rob, I can’t lose you.”

Robert just stares, and then he closes his eyes and opens them again a second later. “Forget all about me Aaron, ‘cause I’ll do the same with you.”

Aaron almost stumbles on it, he watches Robert walk out the door and down the stairs and out into the streets of Paris. He just stands, numb and alone and aching for exactly what he’s lost. He holds his arms around his middle for a second before shaking his head, yanking on his jeans and running out the door to follow him.

He keeps running, just _running_ down the street and trying to catch up to him. “Robert, please.” But he’s not even sure why he’s doing it. It makes no sense because there’s nothing he can change.

There’s this slowing in his movement, his breathing is ragged and he hangs back against a wall to stop his head from spinning. It helps for a second and then he’s back to feeling this _ache_ and the next thing he knows he’s sliding down the wall and hugging his knees.

He’s a mess, and it _hurts_ and crying his eyes out over this loss is never going to do anything other than make it seem almost more real, permanent. 

_Forget all about me Aaron, ‘cause I’ll do the same with you._

Aaron closes his eyes, opens them to see stars mocking him in the sky above.

_Forget all about me Aaron, ‘cause I’ll do the same with you._

He closes them again_._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say happy new year to you all and also that I’m really excited to share where this story goes in the next few chapters. I’m actually quite proud of the way it all plays out and links together. 
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter, comments and feedback always appreciated!!
> 
> Just a little bit of warning though; I’m very busy with four essays due between now and the 13th so updates may be slower. Bare with me on that front and know that you’ll like where the story is heading (hopefully) 
> 
> Also in an unrelated point, I’ve decided to step back a little from fandom stuff (On tumblr) in a really no drama attached way but don’t think that correlates with updating fic! I’m just really really busy.


	21. Lower ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron struggles badly without Robert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaron’s behaviour sort of mirrors canon Aaron’s which is all sorts of sad but he’s missing Robert!

  
Aaron opens his eyes to the sight of the reflection of the sun through his window and realises he forgot to close the curtains. It makes him wince, squint away and throw himself under the covers again.

It’s good for a second, he relaxes his shoulders and then they tense almost immediately again because it’s Robert everywhere. It’s his smell and his laugh and he’s stupid battered bag he refuses to move without.

It’s him and him and him and Aaron’s not sure whether he gets to drown it in anymore.

Not now he’s gone and everything is exposed and Robert will try with everything deep inside him to forget that he ever met an Aaron in Paris and had those weeks with him.

Aaron picks up a lose thread belonging to Robert’s jumper sitting on the bed beside him and realises that this will make Robert crawl back into himself in so many ways. He wonders if he’s feeling this ache in his heart travelling down to his stomach. He wonders if it’ll mean Vic and Andy won’t know about who Robert can fall for.

The thoughts make his head thud with so much that he has to stop thinking altogether. He pushes his head further into the mattress, closes his eyes and thinks of him until he’s crying again. 

—

Eventually he drags himself to work. He’s late and he doesn’t care about it in the slightest. He keeps his head down, headphones plastered in and blocking out the noise of something else. 

He’s halfway through a room when he gets a message and he jumps to see who it is. It’s not Robert so he goes to put it away and then he stares for a second before going into his camera roll and basically torturing himself.

There’s a picture he took of Robert making them breakfast with just a pair of boxers on and his hair an absolute mess. He’d taken one and then had to wrestle for his phone back when Robert turned and saw what he was doing. He thinks now about how unlike him it is to take pictures and be soppy and sentimental and then he’s back to thinking about how Robert came along and whacked him over the head with all these new _feelings_.

His finger hesitates over deleting it over and over again. 

_Forget all about me Aaron, ‘cause I’ll do the same with you._

Aaron taps, watches the delete button appear and then suddenly the door is being flung open and Alice walks in looking like she’s just won a marathon.

“Aha.” She practically yanks the phone out of his hand and starts speaking so fast he can barely hear himself digest it. “Late.” He makes out. “Again.” He hears and then there’s a smirk. “Already final warnin’.”

He should be pleading, no, begging for this job considering the pay is decent and he has Tracy and Philip whenever he’s around to translate. He should but he doesn’t. He just takes it because it doesn’t matter in the grand schemes of losing someone like he has now.

He thinks of Jackson, how at one point he knew the loss was inevitable and he had little control over it. He thinks of Robert and how he tried to keep a grip on his control for so long it burst into flames and burned him when he was nowhere near ready to let go.

“Aaron!”

He snaps out of his thoughts, looks at her and then sighs.

“Suits me.” Aaron shrugs, feels free in this really new way as he walks past her screeching and takes his stupid tabard and keeps walking. “Just pay me what I’m owed for the month and we’ll have no issues.” 

Alice probably thought he’d beg, try his best French to get her to put him back on toilet duty or something but he doesn’t and it’s the most satisfying thing that’s happened to him since Robert was in his bed last night.

He keeps walking out until he reaches the reception and Tracy slaps at his shoulder. “She sacked ya? Oh my ...” She stops. “Let me have a word with —“

“Forget it.” Aaron steps further out. “Don’t care.” He shrugs and then he keeps walking until his head is a tiny bit higher than it was this morning. 

—

He sits in the park for practically the whole afternoon like a proper idiot until his mum rings him. He stares down at her number and then eventually picks up with the intention of putting it down again a second later.

“Finally.” His mum sounds worried and he’s so used it now that it doesn’t even register. “I’ve been calling.” She’s called a grand total of twice. 

“Well I’m here now.”

“Shouldn’t you be at work?”

Aaron sighs. “Well then why were you calling me?”

“Called you when I thought you’d be on your break. Take it you still are.” Aaron sort of doesn’t say anything until she asks if he can hear her.

“I got sacked.” There’s no point in lying, even the thought of it after Robert makes him want to cry. 

“_Sacked_?”

“I was already on my last warning. It don’t matter.” Aaron shoves his free hand into his pocket against the cold. “I’ll find another one.” He hopes so anyway. 

His mum sighs and then there’s this long drawn out pause. “Why did they sack ya?”She says after a few minutes of nothing.

Aaron decides to be honest again even though it hurts to even think about. “Because I was with Robert. Here. He came to ...” That’s where he pauses because he’s suddenly struck by how much he doesn’t even know why Robert was really there. He thinks he wanted to convince him to come back right there and then, but then he thinks of the way Robert couldn’t help but just drag him into bed. He thinks until his mind is a mess.

“To what?”

Aaron looks down and then up again. “Ask me to come home with him.” He chews on his lip for a second. “Me and him were ...”

“I’m not daft Aaron. We’ve been through this. So he came all the way to ... I take it you got distracted then.”

He pulls a face. “_Mum_.”

“Well why else were you late?”

“Because I ...” Aaron draws in a breath. “I told him why I couldn’t go back with him.”

He can hear his mum’s heels and then the sound of her closing a door. “The truth?”

It’s scary and heavy but yeah, it’s the truth and it’s exactly what he knows he had to do at some point. 

“Yeah. I told him everything and now he hates me mum.” His throat is thick with emotion and there’s this kid riding their bike past him looking at him like he’s crazy. He pushes his head down. “He was so hurt. Just kept saying I was a liar and — and none of it was real.”

He’s suddenly aware that his mum doesn’t know the extent of any of this and he waits for her reaction.

“He felt the same?” His mum says, her voice low and sad. “It wasn’t just ... _distractions_ then.”

“No.” Aaron says, because there’s no way he can deny any of it now it’s over. It’d be too much to have to lie about. “He uh ... when I came back for his dad’s funeral ...”

He stops for a second, almost lost in the thought and then his dragged out again by his mum asking him to go on.

“We were laying in this barn and he thought I was asleep so he told me thinks he loves me.” Aaron’s eyes fill with tears. “And I was the idiot who already knew how I felt. Still do.”

“Darling.” It’s just that, and he knows she can’t help him, knows that _she_ knows shecan’t do anything over the phone. She probably wants to squeeze the life out of him and stop all the tears. “I’m sorry.”

“You told me to leave it, to ... cut ties before _this_. Everyone told me but I just didn’t _listen_. I couldn’t just end it. I couldn’t do that.” Aaron bounces his knee. “But now he’s gone and ... I should be forgetting all about him apparently.” 

His mum sighs. “Well that’ll take time.”

He’s heard that before. He knows all about time healing all wounds or whatever it is they say, but he doesn’t want it to. He remembers when Jackson died and how desperate he was to stop feeling so much. He wanted to forget him so deeply that it made him feel this guilt he couldn’t get passed. He struggled with it for so long until eventually it eased and he was better again.

Now though, the thought of losing this feeling terrifies him completely. It makes him feel something, forces him to remember that what they did have was real and his at some point and not something that just happened and then just ended.

“Got plenty of that haven’t I? Here.” Aaron looks at the sky and the clouds and then down at the people walking past and he’s back to hating this place almost as much as he did before Robert came along. 

“That’s it, I’m coming over.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “No you’re not.” He suddenly can’t bare the thought of himself in her arms. It’s too much, again. 

“You’re _alone_ there, all heartbroken.” Aaron winces. “I’m not having that.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “You being over the phone is enough. It always has been.” He almost smiles. “I’ve been here before remember? After Ed. That _hurt_ but ...”

“You didn’t even _tell_ me.”

“I didn’t want this.” Aaron tells her. “You worrying about me. I got through that and I’ll get through this too.” He bites his tongue hard against the way it sounds and how untrue he knows it is.

She’s not convinced, but she doesn’t say anything else for a while. “Do you reckon he’ll tell Vic about ya? He could come and see me too couldn’t he? Get answers.”

Aaron highly doubts it. “He doesn’t want answers, he wants to just forget all about me and I don’t blame him.”

“You never meant to hurt him love.”

“But I did.” Aaron shrugs, and that’s the only thing that matters here. He closes his eyes and then sighs. “I should be heading home so ... I’ll call you soon yeah?”

“Whenever. Whenever you want OK?”

Aaron nods like she can see him. “Yeah. OK.” He whispers before hanging up and wiping tears from his eyes he didn’t even know were there. 

—

He decides to get absolutely pissed and it’s not even nine o’clock by the time the not so kind waitress is telling him he’s had enough.

“You’ve had ... enough of my money then?” He digs into his pocket and waves out some euros for her only to roll her eyes and leave him with his pint. He’s tried tackling whiskey and nearly fell of his chair so he’s back on this and _back_ on hating everything. 

He gets his phone out an hour later when they’re definitely kicking him out and he’s got to walk home. He huffs, brings up Robert’s name and wonders when in the future he’ll get round to deleting it.

He wants to say never but then that’s crazy and he’s stupid for thinking Robert won’t have blocked him already. He can’t bring himself to hear the number not be recognised, the thought makes something inside him hurt so badly it’s a joke.

The thought takes over until he’s hearing someone call his name and Ed of all people comes out of the bar opposite the one he was in. Some mates of his Aaron recognises stand by the doors obviously waiting for Ed as he comes over.

“You alright?”

Aaron just stares at him, hugs himself tighter against the cold. “I’m fantastic yeah.” He gulps hard. “Have a nice night.” He goes to turn when Ed shouts something to his mate and then he’s following Aaron up the road. “Ed, seriously ...”

“Is this about me trying it on? I was stupid.”

“Yeah. So was I.” Aaron stops walking and then sighs. “Just forget it.”

“It’s been doing my head in.” Ed says, he leans out and then back again. “‘Cause I never said we’d stop looking out for each other did I?” Ed says it all now like any of it matters.

“I know what will cheer you up.” Ed frowns at that. “Told Robert the truth and he absolutely hates me.” Aaron claps his hands. “So that’s great, isn’t it?”

Ed’s jaw locks and Aaron just stares at him.

“Go on. Clap.” Aaron waves a hand out and then almost stumbles on the road before pulling himself up. “You should be dead happy.”

“I’m not.” Ed says, he’s all serious like he usually is and Aaron rolls his eyes. “You didn’t cause that fire.” He squints.

“He’s not angry about what I did, it’s the lying.” Aaron’s head bangs against how true that is. “The lying that _everyone_ told me not to do but I couldn’t help myself.” He feels like a broken record, feels weightless almost and he suddenly just wants to crawl into bed and hold that stupid pillow against him. He starts walking again and Ed keeps up. “So I’ve lost him. No. I didn’t even _have_ him so ...”

Ed sighs. “Maybe he’ll ... just give him time.”

“To what? Have a relationship with me over Skype for the rest of his life?”

“Long distance ... works.” And Aaron’s smacked round the head by the reminder of how stoically kind Ed can be in situations where he’s needed. “I’m sorry.”

Aaron sniffs, stops walking again. “Go ... enjoy your night.”

“Not much fun with a knackered shoulder.”

Aaron frowns. “You’ll still pull.”

Ed almost laughs. “A compliment from you? Must be my lucky day.”

Aaron smiles weakly and then sighs. “Least it’s someone’s.” He mumbles, almost to himself as Ed stands close. “See ya.” He says, before turning back down the road and getting to his place ten minutes later.

He stands, stares up and remembers when he gave Robert his key and then when he got it back. It flashes over his mind and makes him turn back down the road. 

He wanders about for what feels like forever before he ends up at the hotel. He thinks about hanging his legs over the roof and looking at the sky.

“Aaron?” Tracy’s coming out, running a hand through her hair. “What are you doing here?”

“No stars up there.” Aaron points. Then he looks down at Tracy. “So I can’t go up there.”

“What are you on about?” Tracy frowns. “You’re drunk.” She goes to yank his arm and he pulls away. “First you get sacked and now ...”

“The room.” Aarons eyes widen. “Is it ... is anyone in the room?”

“What the bloody hell are you on about?” 

Aaron thinks of when he first saw Robert there. He can’t think past it.

“B4.” Aaron blurts out. “Please, can you just check if it’s free. I just want ...”

Tracy holds him by the shoulders and looks like she wants to shake him. “You’re not making sense. You’re ...”

“Drunk?” Aaron breathes and tries to sober himself up. “A little. I just need to be in that room for a second. Just. Please Trace.”

Tracy huffs, looks around and then comes closer. “Maybe no one’s booked it. Maybe dopey Anna is on cleaning duty on the first floor and _maybe_ ...” She hands over her card for the rooms. “This slipped out and has to be left on the front desk when your done being weird.”

He could kiss her if he wasn’t crying internally about the size of Robert’s dick and how much he misses him.

“Thank you so much.” He hugs her and she’s so startled that she squeals. 

—

The room isn’t like how it was before. It’s been decorated and there’s teal walls, golden draping of colours and this fancy art piece on the wall. 

He feels so out of place as he sits on the bed and breathes in and out. He doesn’t even know what he’s doing here, he’s lost and this is somehow the only place where he gets to not be smothered.

It stays like that for a second, and then he’s walking around the room and thinking of when Robert was here. He closes his eyes, then opens them again when he takes his phone out and feels this wave of anger hit him.

At himself, at _Adam_.

The next thing he knows he’s ringing him and there’s nothing but the sound of Adam’s stupid voicemail.

“Of course you’re not around. But don’t worry.” Aaron sniffles. “Still wanted to just ... drop a message off to say thank you for being you.” He scoffs. “For absolutely ruining ...” He sits slowly against the wall and brings his knees up. “There was someone. Ed and me are done, we’ve been done for ages and ... then there was someone.” He smiles. “But it’s over now. It _has_ to be because of what I did.” He closes his eyes. “What you did. No. No what I did for you. It was me.”

It was him and he doesn’t regret it, he’d do it again, and then he thinks of Robert and it’s the worst decision he’s ever made just like that. 

He’s lost in the thought as he hangs up and has his hands around his knees as he cries. There’s this thing inside him beggingit to be possible to travel back to when he first saw Robert in here. He wants it so badly. 

The sound of rain outside knocks something into him. He stares out the window and realises its late and he can’t stay here. He stands, runs a hand over his face and sighs as he gets to the door. He offers a final look to the empty room and then pulls his hoodie on as he locks it shut and leaves the card behind the desk before anyone starts asking questions. 

It’s still raining when he’s home. He sticks his feet up and watches some film about some woman having an affair. It’s in French, he works out bits and pieces until it’s too exhausting to even care and he’s watching her run into some bloke’s arms. 

He tuts, rolls his eyes and turns it off before staring at his phone. Adam’s voicemail hammers over his mind and then he looks at Robert’s number. He hesitates, sits up and slaps his cheek before clearing his throat. 

“Just one more time.” Aaron whispers. He blinks, holds tightly around his phone before calling. “Please.” He says, and the sound of the number rings out over and over and over again until the line goes dead.

He tries to put the phone down but something stops him.

“M’not just giving up on us.” Aaron nods and then there’s this sadness punching his gut. He sounds like such a an idiot. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want it to end like that. I didn’t want it to end at all. I promise. I’m so ...” His thumb slips and he’s hung up before he’s got what he needs to say out.

It seems to be a pattern of his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m halfway through my essays and also started the next chapter so it shouldn’t be too long of a wait, and it’s a very very big one! 
> 
> As always leaving comments is a great help so if you have the time to let me know what you thought, please do!!


	22. A missed call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron continues to struggle before being struck by a devastating blow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fairly big chapter ahead!

  
His head hurts the next morning and he’s grateful that he’s got the sack really because there’s no way he could go in. He rises with a groan, stands under the shower for what feels like an hour or something and only pulls away when he thinks of Tracy. 

He owes her for helping him and it gets him yanking on a top and walking towards the market square near the hotel almost a half an hour later. He grabs her some pastries from his local, he’s still moody and sad and the woman behind the counter still looks sorry for him.

Aaron waits out her break by playing some stupid game on his phone and staring at the calls from Adam he’s missed. He rolls his eyes, scrolls past the messages and almost cringes at his drunk self for leaving them. 

“How’s unemployed Aaron doing then?” Tracy asks, ten minutes later as she pulls a bit off from one of the pastries and squints at Aaron. “Experiencing a hangover?”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Maybe a little one. Alright enough to go get you these to say thanks though.” He’s almost embarrassed about the night before, he scratches the back of his head and she frowns. 

“I don’t even know what that was about.” Tracy says with a shrug. “But you seemed pretty desperate.”

Aaron clears his throat. “Yeah. I was.” He doesn’t know what else to say. “I put the key card back though.”

Tracy smiles. “Yeah. Alice just thinks I’m even more of a ditsy blond now.” She laughs and then clears her throat. “How about we go out tonight?”

Aaron pulls a face.

“Just to a bar. Not clubbing. You can be on mocktails if you want.”

“I don’t think ...” 

_ Forget all about me Aaron, ‘cause I’ll do the same with you. _

“Actually. Yeah OK, I’ll text ya.” 

—

He spends ages doing nothing whilst he sits in the park and plays on his phone and then Adam’s number is cropping up again and he decides to bite the bullet. 

“Yeah?” Aaron asks, voice hardly there as Adam sighs. 

“Man, I’ve tried ringing.”

“I’ve seen.”

“Your voicemail.” Adam says. “I just wanted to ...”

“Check I’m doing OK? Could ask the same about you.” Aaron bites his lip and then bounces his knee as he gets up and decides to walk back to his considering he’s not got a job waiting to him. 

Adam gulps. “You never even let me explain the other night.” He sounds more like himself and Aaron wants to relax around him. 

“Explain what? This plan you’ve got with _Ross_.”

“Me and my mum have fallen out. She wants me off the farm and everything. I need something to set me up for life.

“Money? How much?”

Adam sighs hard. “Enough.”

Aaron stops. “Sounds risky.” He says and he’s not sure why Adam thinks he can just throw his whole future away when Aaron’s stuck here. That feeling runs through him again and then Adam sighs.

“I’m trying to put things right.” 

“Some things can’t be put right.” Aaron says, and then he closes his eyes around how Adam stumbles on saying something back. “Forget the voicemail.”

“You were angry. You said you’d ...”

“I said forget it.”

“You and Ed.” Adam makes this sound like he’s so frustrated. “Man, I’m sorry.”

It’s been ages since Adam’s been like this and Aaron almost freezes against how much it means. He wants to say it doesn’t matter, that he’ll be OK like he always is. Then Adam opens his mouth again. 

“If this job goes OK, I’ll ... I can come and see ya. It can be like old times can’t it? Yeah?” 

Aaron closes his eyes. “What if it doesn’t go OK? What then?”

There’s this sound of someone speaking in the background. Someone calling Adam, it’s probably the twat Ross he’s sick of hearing about. There’s a woman’s voice as well. He can’t hear it as clearly but it makes him squint. 

“Adam.” He tries, again. 

“I’ve got to go.” Adam hangs up before Aaron can say anything else.

—

The bar is pretty empty by the time he gets there. It’s still early, about four in the afternoon and he’s realising that he’s going to become a day drinker if he doesn’t look for a job soon.

Tracy waves a hand out and he sits with her drinking some weird cocktail until she decides to look at him like she’s about to say something heavy.

“What?” He tilts his head and watches her drink from her straw like his mum does. “I’m alright.” 

He isn’t. He doesn’t think he’s going to be alright ever again but he’s also aware that he’s felt this low before and managed to smile again. It’s what he’s telling himself anyway. 

It’s not even four o’clock and yet Tracy’s ordering them another round and he’s getting himself something to eat so the room doesn’t start spinning. 

“You could go home you know.” Tracy says, she pulls this face when Aaron tightens around the question. “Not got a job keeping you here have ya?”

“Not that simple.” Aaron says, he bites into a burger that’s got some weird cheese in it he can’t stand and then wipes a hand over his face. “Anyway. I’m not talking about home.”

“Why not?” Tracy swirls her straw. “‘Cause he’s there?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker as he thinks about Robert always being so close to him in more ways than one. He almost can’t get passed it until Tracy’s raising an eyebrow and smirking.

“What’s with the face.”

“Got an admirer.” 

Aaron rolls his eyes as he watches her looking over his shoulder. “Good for you.”

“No. Not me you idiot. You.” She practically spins him round on his chair. “Pretty fit n’all.” He is, he’s got something about him. He’s blond as well. Shit. 

Aaron turns back around. “He looked in my direction. That’s all.”

Tracy pretends she isn’t looking at him. “Still is from where I’m sitting.” She bites her lip like she’s trying not to laugh and then she lets out this little gasp. Aaron frowns at her and then sees the bloke leaning against the bar a few feet away from them. 

In short, he’s most definitely gay and Aaron’s just sort of staring at him until Tracy’s kissing his cheek and saying she’s going to meet her boyfriend. 

“We were supposed to be ...”

“Yeah well ... got company now ain’t ya?” Tracy squeezes his shoulder, smiles. “Leg. Over.”

Aaron closes his eyes. “Thanks for the diagram.” He says. He watches her leave and the bloke takes her place in about three seconds. “I’m not ...” Because he just really _isn’t_ in the right space for this. 

The guy waves a hand up. “Just being friendly.” He’s got a decent English accent and Aaron’s heart thuds a little as he gets him a drink. 

They sit for a while and the guy turns into some psychologist. 

“Thinking of someone?”

“Huh?” Aaron shuffles on his seat. “Don’t know what you’re ...”

“Someone.” The guy shrugs. “Not me.”

Aaron stares at his blond hair and the next thing he knows he’s leaning over close enough to kiss him. He doesn’t. He pulls back instead and breathes in. 

_Forget all about me Aaron, ‘cause I’ll do the same with you. _

“Don’t fancy being here anymore.” Aaron says, he grabs his coat and watches the guy follow him. It takes a second for Aaron to be pinned up against the wall and kissed and it feels so much like nothing he’s petrified. “Let’s ... yours. Go ... to yours.” He punches the words out and yeah it’s not even six o’clock yet but Aaron needs to feel _something_ or he’ll explode. 

He grabs the his hand until he’s letting go and being kissed up and down the neck in the guy’s flat. His heart thumps hard and fast over and over again until the guy’s hands travel to his belt. 

He sees a head of blond hair lower down and it feels so wrong it almost hurts. This was supposed to work and yet it’s made him feel even worse. 

“No.” Aaron watches the guy drag himself back up with a small frown on his face. He hasn’t even touched him yet. “I can’t. Sorry. This was ...”

It was a mistake in all the ways Robert wasn’t. 

It’s on his mind as he runs out of the place, pelts it down four flights of stares and catches his breath on the pavement outside his block of flats. He takes the air in as much as he can before he steadies himself and starts walking back from where they left. 

He takes slow steps, feels almost lost for a second and then hears the sound of his phone ringing in his pocket. He goes to take it out before stopping, thinking of Adam and whatever shit he’s done going tits up and him having to feel even _worse_. 

He ignores it. 

The bar’s busier by the time he gets back and he stares through the window before turning himself back around and getting back into the square. He stands looking up at the sky for a second and then hears the sound of someone laughing. He knows who it is and feels embarrassed when Ed comes up to him from a crowd of his mates.

“Aaron.” Ed sounds like he’s worried and Aaron wasn’t even aware that he had tears in his eyes but apparently he does. He wipes hard at his face and then clears his throat. “You OK?”

Aaron looks at the floor. “Yeah. Of course.” He looks back at the group waiting for Ed by some sports bar. “You celebrating or something?”

Ed nods his head slowly. “Flying out to South Africa tomorrow. They said I can start training again.”

Aaron’s stomach drops completely. “Oh.” He doesn’t know how to breathe. “Wow. That’s ... that’s amazing.” 

Ed nods again. 

“So you’re ... you’re going tomorrow?” Aaron looks down at the ground and then sticks a hand in his pocket. 

“Yeah. Bright and early.”

Aaron smiles as he looks up. “You were always pretty shit at waking up when you needed to.”He bites his lip and it feels like everything he knew, everything he had is being ripped away from him so quickly. “You’ll be great.”

“Aaron.” Ed says his name again and then comes over to hug him. Aaron squeezes tight and feels this _loss_ hit him over and over again. He didn’t think it’d be like this when he ran, he didn’t know he’d be stuck and everyone would _go_. “I’ll miss ya.”

Aaron nods. “Miss you too. You ... stay in touch yeah?” 

“Course I will.” Ed smiles back as he lets go and then looks at his friends. “I should go back and ...” Aaron tries to smile. “Everything will be OK in the end you know. It’ll work out.”

Aaron gulps. “Thanks.” He whispers and then he watches him go.

—

He sits on his bed with a thud and stares at the floor for a few minutes before laying down over the bed and holding a hand over his face. He’s not crying but he’s so close and there’s this tiny thread inside him that’s so near snapping. 

He tries to ignore it, tries thinking of something else until he’s pulling his phone out and hesitating over his photos. He should delete them all. He should throw his phone over the room and just forget _everything_.

He should hate him. He should hate him so much for just leaving him like _this_. 

Aaron goes to open the photos, starts deleting pictures of stupid art and Robert’s stupid face and then he stops. He just stares down, goes back and then sees that he’s got three missed calls from Robert. 

He feels this air smack against his lungs and then he rings the number back without even hesitating. He bounces his knee, up and down and then breathes in. 

“Robert?”

He doesn’t hear Robert. He doesn’t hear anything other then the sound of people rushing past at this speed. 

“Where’s Robert? Where’s ...”

“Hello? Is this ... is this Aaron? We’ve tried ringing this number.”

Aaron gulps. “Yeah. Sorry. I was ... where’s Robert?”

“Well he’s in theatre now but his sister has shown up so ...”

Aaron feels himself almost double over. “What do you _mean_?”

“We think he might have in a collision. We don’t know much more than that but he’s been taken into ...” He hears her stop speaking, someone clearly catching her attention.

“Can you let me speak to him?” Aaron whispers. “Please. I need to speak to him.”

“He’s in _theatre_ sir.”

Aaron’s chin wobbles and his head feels like it’s going to fall off. “So it’s ... bad. He’s not OK. He’s not ... he’s not OK.”

“I’d come if I could. I’m sorry. I need to hang up now.”

And she does.

He can’t move, he’s got tears in his eyes that fall and then he’s suddenly shaking his head and grabbing his coat, his keys, his wallet. He looks down at his passport. He’s got _everything_ pacing around in his head. His mum will kill him, Ed will be disappointed and he’s not even going to think about what happens if they catch him.

He can’t just sit here. He can’t just wait for news that he’s —

The passport comes with him as he runs out the door.

—

The next train home is in half an hour and he chucks money so fast at the woman behind the counter that she nearly tells him to piss off. He’s not even sure how much he’s giving her, his hands just keep shaking and he feels like he doesn’t know how to breathe. 

There’s this waiting, over and over and over again and it only slows down when he’s running for the train and then running off of it later.

He tries to think, wracks his brain with this need for things to start making sense and then he gives himself a second as he hails for a cab. He watches from the station as they pull away in the cab and he sees two police cars parked outside. He hasn’t even see them, he hadn’t even cared.

There’s no room to care when all he can see in his mind is Robert being hauled across a lane because of this *collision. Head hitting the steering wheel, rolling back and his heart beat slowing down to absolutely nothing at all.

“Hotton hospital yeah?” Aaron’s looking up and through the mirrors to nod at the cab driver as he turns a left and gets down this country line before heading back into the motor way. He checks where the phone call cab from as they gets nearer and sees that it’s definitely that hospital. It settles something in him for the smallest second before his knee starts to bounce again and he feels exhausted against the journey.

He steps out of the cab when the sky is dark and filled with stars and it makes him feel like he’s going to be sick. Eventually, he pulls himself together for long enough to walk in and ask where he can find him.

“Relation sir?”

The question hits him over the head and he can’t say anything other than what he wants to be. “Boyfriend. He’s my ... he’s my boyfriend. Please. Is he OK?”

She doesn’t know shit and just offers him this kind smile before telling him which arrows to follow and saying she’s sure he’s in the safest hands. It makes Aaron think of when Robert was in his arms and things were better than this.

He grinds to a halt when he walks through the doors and sees Victoria and Andy outside a hospital room. He feels this need to rush past them but he can’t, he’s stuck where he is and he just has to watch Vic crying into her brother’s chest.

There’s this crushing feelings of dread that runs through him, this heavy _no_ that’s everywhere as his eyes fill with tears. He breathes in around the way he feels like he almost knows everything is not OK. Everything is falling about, tiny shards falling around him and he’s frozen against it all. 

He goes to step forward, suddenly realises he can’t just stand and watch when Robert could be _dying_. He takes a step; watches Vic push off of her brother and run a hand over her face before falling back against the wall. Andy just stands, looks stoic and pale and Aaron doesn’t know where he’s going to fit into their grief and despair but he has to. 

He takes another step before there’s this strong hand on his shoulder and he’s being pulled into some corridor away from Robert.

“What — get off m—" Aaron’s eyes widen as he sees who’s standing in front of him. He hasn’t seen his face in so long and it makes something thud in his chest out of nowhere. “_Adam_? What you doing here?” He sees there’s a cut above Adam’s eye and blood on his jumper. He looks like he’s been crying too. “Well?”

And Adam just keeps staring at him with big wide eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise things will make more sense when I update again (unless people know already!) Essays are slowing down just as uni starts up again so hopefully my updates stay consistent! Comments and feedback as always are appreciated!


	23. Fault and blame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron faces questioning and come to sudden realisation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn’t upload sooner, I’m very busy with university. But anyways. Here’s the next chapter, it’s quite a head spin with a lot of things revealed!

Aaron frowns at him and then forgets himself when Adam waves a hand out in front of him. “_Me_? What the fuck do you think you’re doing here? Anyone could have ...”

Aaron rubs a hand across his face and then Adam’s holding him by the shoulders. 

“Aaron, it’s all gone wrong.”

Aaron frowns at him. “You’re OK. You’re ...” He tries to say something that’ll help and then he’s hearing the sound of Victoria crying and he tries to push away. 

Adam holds him back, hand on Aaron’s chest. “Woah. _Woah_ where are you going you nut?”

“I have to see someone.” Aaron says desperately. “I can’t just ... stand here.” He pushes off suddenly and starts pacing. “What if he’s dead? He can’t be.” The thought makes him physically fold over and plaster himself against the wall. 

“Who? Aaron. You’re not making any sense. You know that right?”

“None of this makes sense.” Aaron whispers, because he doesn’t feel like this, he doesn’t let anyone this close and there’s reasons why. He remembers the last time he was plastered against a hospital wall thinking the darkest thoughts imaginable. “Look. I’ll explain everything when I can but ... I have to go and see if ...”

Adam comes closer towards him. “You’re not here ‘cause of what happened to me?”

Aaron’s eyes water. “What happened to _you_?” He hasn’t got the headspace for this, he feels like he’s going to explode. “This job? You got hurt is that it?”

Adam’s not opening his mouth. He just stares and looks like he’s thinking more than he ever has. 

“_Come on_. Adam. I need to see someone here.”

“Who?” Adam whispers. This slowness is about him and Aaron can’t shake this feeling that Adam knows something. 

“It doesn’t matter.” Aaron wipes a hand over his face and can’t bring himself to go into it all. He tries to push past Adam again when he sees Vic peer into the window he thinks Robert’s in. He lunges forward and then sees a police officer walk past and Adam’s hauling him back again. “Adam.”

“Just ... tell me who it is.” Adam practically shakes him. “Aaron.”

Aaron gulps hard, this feeling hitting his stomach again. “I’ll see you later OK. Just let me check on —“

“Robert Sugden?”

Aaron turns around sharply. He just stares at Adam and hopes things are going to start making sense but they don’t. 

“How do ...” Aaron’s eyes flicker and then he tries to breathe in. “You know Robert? How?” 

Adam goes to answer when some greased up looking thug is charging down the corridor and yanking Adam’s arm away.

Aaron jumps in. “Adam. How the hell do you know Robert?”

“We need to go.” The guy says, pulls Adam’s arm and Aaron realises this is probably Ross. “Before they start asking anything.”

“He’s not going anywhere.”

“Says who?” Ross sticks his chest out and Aaron wants to thump his head in. He restrains himself when he sees some police officer rush towards him and he’s suddenly aware of who it is.

“Aaron?” It’s been years, and suddenly he feels like some tiny little thug because it’s Donna who’s staring right at him with wide eyes. “You’re in France.”

“He should be.” Adam runs a hand over his face. 

“Au reviour then.” Ross waves a hand in his face and Aaron snaps, pushes him against the wall and stares right at him. “Get off me.”

“Aaron. You can’t be here.” Donna comes over, says it like he doesn’t already know. He stares at her badge, the cut on her forehead and the blood over her hi-vis. 

“He knows Robert.” Adam says, he looks like he’s had the stuffing knocked out of him. “God, I’m sorry.”

“You’re _sorry_?” Aaron’s head spins and he lets go of Ross to look at him. “For what?” No one says a word. “Someone _speak_.”

Donna eventually sighs, pushes them inside some family waiting room they shouldn’t be in. Aaron breathes in sharply, closes his eyes for a second and all he’s thinking about is how close Robert. He’s so close and yet he can’t see him. 

“Why are you sorry?” Aaron whispers after a minute. He looks at Adam and no one else because he knows he can’t lie to him like this, over something like *this. “You said you were sorry.”

Adam’s this mess and Ross is telling him not to say anything. Aaron lunges towards the idiot again before Donna pulls him back. 

“_Adam_?” Aaron’s voice goes and then Adam starts to nod. 

“He wasn’t meant to be there.”

Aaron frowns. “Who?”

“Robert.” Adam gulps and starts waving his arms about. “I had one job Aaron. Keep the coast clear and he just came out of nowhere. He said he wanted to speak to me and I didn’t ...”

Aaron’s heart thuds. “About what?” 

Adam has a hand over his head again like he’s in pain. “He said he’d tracked me down, he was ... he was looking for me to put things right.” 

Aaron watches Ross shake his head like he’s over the whole thing and then he looks back at Adam. 

“I didn’t know who the fuck he was so I pushed him.”

“Pushed him?” Aaron’s eyes water again and Ross breathes out deeply. He looks fed up like Robert laying half dead in a hospital bed doesn’t matter at all. “Pushed him _how_? On the ground? You hurt him?”

“He got up. He got _up_ Aaron. He said he knew what I’d done, wanted me to be ... _honest_.” Aaron watches how uneven Adam’s breathing is. “And then ... this car just ...”

“Just what?” Aaron rubs a hand over his face. “Just what Adam?” He shouts and Donna’s telling him to calm down. “Hit him ‘cause he was trying to get to you.”

“He was — we were fighting. He pushed and I pushed and the next thing I knew he was being hit. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I swear. I _swear_ I didn’t.” 

Aaron stares down at the ground and closes his eyes tightly. He sees Robert laying on the cold ground. He sees him struggling to breathe all because he was trying to get Adam to confess.

“It was an accident Aaron.” Donna pipes up and he frowns at her. 

“Does that make it OK in police talk? They were doing a dodgy job.” Aaron looks at Adam. “You said you were on the look out. Was it for this twat and ...” He breathes in and looks back at Donna, remembers hearing the woman on the phone. “You. You’re in on this n’all.”

Ross scoffs. “In on what? That idiot just lost us the chance to ...” 

Aaron swings his fist and Ross is laid out on the floor before he can say another word. “You fucking say another word about him and I’ll _kill_ you.” He goes to punch his stupid face in when Donna pulls away. “Oh look. It’s a copper. And _I’m_ meant to be the bad guy here.”

“You’re _meant_ to be on the run.” Donna hisses. “Not here. You’re going to get caught.”

“By _you_?” Aaron scoffs. “The bent copper and her scaly.” He looks at Ross and then feels this heaviness in his chest as he breathes out. “He got hit by a car.” He says. “Did you not hear that?”

Donna nods. “I know Aaron. But he’s in the best ...”

“I need to see him.” He can’t keep looking at all of their stupid faces when he just wants to be with Robert. It feels like a punishment, all of this does. He can’t escape how much he’s certain this is down to him. 

Donna sighs. “I can’t let you do that.”

“You _what_?” Aaron fires and Adam starts butting in. “Shut up. I need to see him and you’re going to help me.” Donna rolls her eyes, runs a hand over her forehead. 

“Look. We didn’t actually do anything. Donna called the police and we helped when he could have done one.”

Aaron doesn’t know how Ross’ face isn’t permanently bruised. “Conspiracy to commit? You planned it all. You _plank_.” 

Donna sighs. “What if Victoria sees ya?”

Aaron gulps. “I haven’t seen her in ... we just went school together.”

Donna tilts her head. “Think I remember you hanging around Emmerdale village with her actually.” 

“That doesn’t matter.” Aaron bites back. “You think she’s going to care?”

“She knows you’re on the run Aaron.” Donna runs a hand over her forehead and her lips tighten as she tries to pull herself together. Aaron lifts his head up to the ceiling again. “She’s going to be suspicious about why you’re here seeing her brother in hospital.” 

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut and his shoulders rise higher as he thinks about why there’s so many barriers between them. 

“You’re not thinking mate.”

Aaron scowls at Ross. “M’not your mate.” He says, stares at the gel stripped over Ross’ stupid head and then turns to see  Adam watching him. “What?”

“Why’d you need to see him?” Adam says, and Aaron’s sure everyone else is wondering if he’s thick or something. “Why’d you _care_?” 

“He borrowed a video game off of him. Why’d you think you idiot?” Ross folds his arms over and scoffs like all of this is funny and Adam’s still looking at him like he’s confused. 

Aaron decides to put him out of his misery. “Met him in Paris.” 

“Oh the romance.” Ross places a hand on his chest. 

Donna sighs. “Shut up Ross.” 

Adam frowns. “You and him ...” He almost smiles and Aaron thinks about if they could have been friends in another life. He doubts it. He highly doubts it suddenly.

Aaron twists his lip. “I told him what you did.” 

Adam stumbles back. “You _told_ him.” He shouts, he looks like such a mess and Ross is already walking towards the door with Donna. 

Aaron watches them. “Wait outside.” He rubs a hand over his face and Donna nods timidly before shoving Ross out the door.

“You told him? _Why_? Why would you tell him that?”

Aaron’s eyes fill with tears again. “Because he wanted me to live with him _here_. He wanted to be with me and I ...” He feels himself back against the wall and he runs a hand through his hair. “I broke his heart. He came back alone and he’s in some hospital bed probably half dead ‘cause he was still trying to help me.” He feels everything topple on top of him until he’s falling against the floor and sighing. 

Adam walks over. “He’s the someone else.” He says. “Robert.” Aaron nods sadly. “I had no idea.”

“Probably off your face.” Aaron looks into Adam’s eyes. “Didn’t even _notice_ the fact that you were pushing him into a fucking car.”

Adam sighs heavily. “It wasn’t like that. I didn’t push him. I just ... he shouldn’t have even _been_ here.”

Aaron stands, he pushes at Adam’s chest with all this anger inside him. “You don’t think I know that? He was there trying to look out for _me_. I get it.” 

“Aaron, I’m sorry.” Adam looks it, he sounds it. His shoulders hunch and there’s this tightness to the way he waves a hand out. Aaron stares at him and there’s this still this instinct in him to stop him looking so panicked. It halts suddenly when he thinks of Robert laying where he is, alone. He suddenly wonders if Robert’s cold, if he needs a blanket. He only stops when Adam starts speaking again.

“There was just so much going on in my head man.” 

Aaron arches his eyebrow and pushes forward. “I don’t give a shit.” 

Adam almost looks disappointed. “Don’t be like that.” He says, like Aaron’s being unreasonable about all of this. 

“He might _die_.” Aaron’s gripping Adam’s shirt before he even catches his breath. Then he’s shaking him as if it will help hammer the point home. “And if he does ... I won’t know what to do.” It’s like Adam sees him, sees inside his head and exactly how deep this all goes and Aaron’s in too much pain to hide any of it. “I don’t know ...” He dips his head and then hears the door open.

Donna sighs. “You’ve got five minutes.”

“What?”

“Andy’s gone home and I’ll tell Vic I need to run some things past her.” Donna sighs. “Then you have to go.”

Aaron bites his lip, face bright red from crying. “Is he ...”

“He’s unconscious. Back in his room. That’s all I know.” Donna shrugs. “Now shift.”

—

Aaron has his hoodie up, knee bouncing up and down over and over again as he stares down at Robert. He’s got tubes sticking out of his mouth and wires all around him. He looks pale, like he’s dying and Aaron’s not sure why he can’t get the thought of his head. 

It’s hospitals. It’s this smell and this lighting and the way it makes everything seem scarier. 

He tries to think of the last thing he said to him directly. It takes a second before he’s hit by it, he said he felt the same, he didn’t say the actual words but he said he felt the _same_ and Robert said he didn’t feel it at all. 

It doesn’t seem to matter now. He just stares and stares and then has his hand skirting close to Robert’s. He’s not sure if he can touch him but he tries, watches the monitor for any sudden change. When nothing happens, he makes sure to squeeze his hand. 

“You’re scaring me.” Aaron’s voice is thick with something. He gulps hard and then sighs. “I know I deserve it. I know but ... I just want you to be OK.” He has a hand slowly running through Robert’s hair and the other still squeezing his hand. “You have to be OK. If you are then I’ll be OK. It’s that simple.” He shrugs, and it’s not been that simple at all until right this minute. 

The machine makes this sound and he panics before it returns to normal again. 

“You were trying to help me.” Aaron frowns. “I never deserved you barging into my life, changing _everything_. I never deserved you. I’m so sorry.” He keeps saying it, over and over again and there’s this sadness running through him that can’t go away. “You have to shout at me, you have to wake up.” He kisses his hand, once, twice and then closes his eyes shut. “Because you know how I feel about you? You know.” He suddenly worries. “Maybe you don’t. Maybe you don’t ... so you have to wake up and let me tell you again.”

He stares down, kisses Robert for a second and then looks up and sees Ross’ stupid face at the window telling him to get out. He doesn’t want to leave, squeezes Robert’s hand for a second longer before he taps at the glass and he marches out the door towards him.

“You want to get caught?”

“Do you?” Aaron fires back. 

Ross looks around. “Take it you two were proper ...” He makes this face and then plays with his hands and does this sort of diagram. “My brother’s gay.”

Aaron frowns. “Oh _right_ so that makes you .... what?”

“I’m just saying.”

“I don’t want you to say _anything_.” Aaron adjusts his hoodie and walks down the corridor. “Where’s Donna?” He asks and then he sees her walking towards them. She gestures for them to go back into the room they were in and Adam’s still standing there staring at the wall like it’s going to start fixing things.

“You saw him then?” Aaron nods tightly. “Right. Well, you have to go now. I won’t say anything. OK?”

He could, he could just go back and pretend like he was never here. Robert would never have to know, Vic wouldn’t have to see him and question _everything_. He could leave and have Donna update him, whatever the outcome is. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Ross scoffs. “You wanna bet?”

“You’ll be arrested.” Donna frowns. “You do know that? Look. He’s ... he’s not going to die Aaron.”

Aaron frowns. “You know that do ya?” He shakes his head. 

“Well he’s out of theatre. It must have been successful.” 

Aaron relaxes under it for a second. Then he shakes his head again, says, “You’re just hoping he doesn’t ‘cause you’ll _all_ be in the frame.”

Adam comes over towards him. “I know you’re angry, I know you _hate_ us but just think OK. You have to go back to Paris. I’ll ... we can go together. I’ll explain _everything_ when we’re there.”

Aaron doesn’t understand. “What’s there to explain? You thought you’d go all Peaky Blinders with this idiot and a bent copper. But it didn’t work and you ended up pushing someone into a —“

“I didn’t ...” Adam runs a hand over his head. “Fine.”

“Fine?” Donna snaps.

“Yeah.” Aaron’s jaw clenches. “It’s fine ‘cause you owe me, and you know what you’ve done.” He closes his eyes and then sighs. “And you know I can’t just walk away from him like this.”

Ross rolls his eyes. “So hang on a second, just so I’m aware like. We’re getting ourselves in more shit ‘cause this bloke wants to play Romeo and Romeo?”

“Do you want another smack?” Aaron growls and then steps back to look at Adam. “I can’t go without knowing he’s awake.”

Adam gulps hard, stares silently. “You can stay with me.” He says. “And then we’re gone as soon as he’s awake OK?”

Aaron doesn’t agree to anything. 

—

Adam’s room is exactly how he remembers it being. He’s still got the same posters on the wall, the same pack of DVD’s near the window and that rug he always hated. Aaron remembers playing video games for hours with him here as he spins his head around and stares.

“Alright?” Aaron looks up to see Adam at the door. He’s bought him some of his clothes and a spare toothbrush. “I bought you ...”

“Where’s your mum?”

“She’s gone away for a bit. Visiting Holly in London.”

“Getting away from you?” Aaron tips his head up. Adam sighs out a response that makes Aaron almost pity him. “I’m right then.” He remembers his mum hinting that Adam wasn’t acting grateful for his second chance or whatever they wanted to call it. He thought it meant partying or breaking some girl’s heart, not this.

“I’ve been ... stupid.”

Aaron gulps hard and stands. He doesn’t even want to answer it. “So I’ll sleep on ...”

“You can sleep here.” Adam says. “On the floor and me hogging the bed. Be like old times.”

Aaron tilts his head up. “Only now I’m on the run and praying someone doesn’t die in hospital while I’m here.”

“He won’t die.” Adam whispers. “He won’t.”

“You hope.”

“Aaron. Just stop and think for a second.” 

“You didn’t.” Aaron bounces his knee again. “Remember when you were the responsible one? Telling me to stop being an idiot. Getting me out of all sorts.”

Adam breathes in. “Aaron ...”

“But I was a kid then. Not an adult.” Aaron wipes his face and doesn’t know when this anger he feels is going to stop. He doesn’t even know if he wants it to. He looks down and catches a loose thread of his jumper, pulls sharply and then looks up again. 

“I know I fucked up.” Adam says. “I know, don’t you think I know?” He leans against the wall and then sighs. “I didn’t want any of this.”

“What was the plan?” Aaron tilts his head. “Say you didn’t have to ... deal with Robert, what was about to happen?”

Adam breathes in. “Donna and Ross were going to do some deal.”

“Over what?” Aaron looks up towards the ceiling, gulps hard. “Drugs then.”

Adam nods. “I didn’t know the details, I didn’t want to know any of them, that’s why I just had to make sure ....”

“What?“

“They weren’t any distractions. They weren’t even _inside_ before Robert came and ...” Aaron winces. He feels his face change and then he looks down at the rug in the middle of the floor and how it frays unevenly. Adam gives him this look. “You met him in Paris? After Ed?”

Aaron’s knee bounces and runs a hand along his jaw at the thought of meeting Robert whilst he was with Ed. It seems even more complicated than this. Eventually he nods, decides it’s all he can do.

Adam leans against the door until it looks like he’s slouching. “He must have made it better. You know ... being there alone.”

Aaron starts playing with his hands, grips them hard after a second. “He’d ran away from here. I looked after him, he looked after me.” He shrugs loosely. “And then I was falling for him, so quickly.” He rubs a hand over his face again. “Couldn’t stop.”

“He must have felt the same. Feel the same I mean.” Adam trips on his words and Aaron tells him to just leave it alone. “He was only trying to get my attention ‘cause of you.”

“He said he didn’t feel the same.” Aaron looks up slowly. “When I asked him.”

“Well he ... he was lying. He can tell you when he wakes up.” Aaron closes his eyes around what he’s saying and then sighs.

“You didn’t see how much he hated me.” Aaron curls himself up on the bed, knees knocking. “He couldn’t get out fast enough.”

Adam breathes in. “But you didn’t even ...”

“But I lied.” Aaron says. “Over and over again.”

“You were protecting me.” Adam says. “I tried telling him to ... I tried. If he — if he just wasn’t _there_ Aaron then ...”

Aaron lifts his head up sharply. “So it’s his fault?” He’s heard him say it too many times. He stands, feels this blood rush to his head. “That’s what you’re saying.”

“He shouldn’t have _been_ there.” Adam says, again. “That’s what I’m saying.”

Aaron comes towards him, this anger everywhere. “You better hope he wakes up.”

Adam just stares at him, eyes wide and shocked. “Or what Aaron?” He shudders. “You going to kill me or something? It’s _me_.” Aaron’s jaw clenches, he doesn’t understand how Adam can’t get how that makes all this so much worse. “I’m your best mate. He’s ... you’ve known this bloke for what? A month? Two maybe? And you’re choosing _him_?”

Aaron’s eyes harden. “He could die. How many times do I have to say that? Someone I lo—“ He staggers back against the word and swallows it whole. “Because of _you_ and your stupid plans.”

“Well if hadn’t been trying to play Colombo in your honour then he wouldn’t have been in any ...”

Aaron pushes Adam against the door and holds him by his jumper. “You better _pray_ he wakes Adam because if he doesn’t, I’m not sure how much you being my best mate is going to mean anymore.” He lets go when Adam stares at him with wide eyes.

He staggers back and then marches down the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully what I’ve done makes sense lol. I’d love to keep knowing what you guys think so please let me know if you can!


	24. A Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is relieved to be able to see Robert again before realising what his next step has to be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big chapter ahead here!

  
Aaron doesn’t sleep. He doesn’t even want to try and give in and get the hours he should. All he’s thinking about is the fact that Robert could be dead and it’d be down to him.

If he’d just been honest from the start, if he didn’t make Robert fall for him, if he hadn’t been so _selfish_. The thoughts go round and round in his head until the sun is rising and he’s getting up from the lumpy sofa to stare out the window.

It’s murky, clouds forming heavy in the sky and the sound of the wind able to rattle against the glass. Aaron opens the window quietly, sticks his head out and then sighs hard. It’s been years but suddenly he wants a cigarette. 

The feeling passes when he looks out over the hills and just makes out the farm he always used to know as Vic’s. It’s bigger than Moira’s, a rival one during the harvesting seasons, and now it seems to represent this world he doesn’t quite know how to let go.

He takes a second, and then another before he gets his phone out of his pocket and rings the hospital. He doesn’t know what he’s going to hear until someone picks up and he’s asking if there’s any news on Robert Sugden.

“We’re not really allowed to give information out over the phone love.”

Aaron closes his eyes and brings his hand up to chew his nails. “Please. I’m his boyfriend.” He isn’t. Maybe he is. He wants to be but it’s not the time to overthink. “I just want to know if there’s been any change.”

She doesn’t say a word and Aaron can’t handle the silence. He hears her shuffling some paper and then speaking. “No change I’m afraid.”

Aaron bites his lip, feels this pain run through him. “OK. Thanks.” He says, he turns to see Adam coming into the room. “Bye.” He’s holding a cup of tea and extends it to Aaron.

“Is this going over me?”

Aaron looks away from Adam, runs a hand around his neck before sighing. “There’s been no change.”

Adam comes towards him and suddenly looks more serious. He sits on the sofa as Aaron stares out the window. “So what’s the plan? We wait out until we do hear something?” 

Aaron bites his lip hard, balls his hand into a fist. “I don’t know.”

“Because ... we don’t know how long ...”

“I don’t know Adam.” Aaron snaps. He stares at his best mate and then looks right away again. “Never really planned for any of this.”

“Neither did I.” Adam bites his lip. “You’ve got to get that.”

Aaron ignores him. “He’s unresponsive. Just laying there and they don’t know what could be wrong with him when he wakes up.” He keeps thinking about it over and over again.

“He’ll be OK.”

“Because me and blokes in hospital always turn out alright.” Aaron feels this darkness hit him over the head and then Adam’s holding his shoulder, squeezing firmly.

“He isn’t Jackson.”

Aaron’s chin goes and he cries, he just really cries and only Adam holding him up is enough to make him stop.

“It’s going to be OK.”

Adam says that, and he might think that, but it feels so untrue that he has to push him away. 

“You don’t know that.” Aaron wipes at his face. “You _can’t_ know that.”

Adam’s face falls and he steps back from Aaron. “I’ll ... I can make you something to eat.”

“I need to be at the hospital.” Aaron watches Adam look away. “Just ... I just want to see him.”

“He’s not even awake.” Adam says and then he closes his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Aaron thinks about how they were arguing only the night before and decides against begging for any favours. “I’ll call a cab.”

“What if someone sees ya?” It sort of rocks Aaron, this remembering that he’s on the run and could he behind bars any minute now. 

“I’ll take that chance.”

“Taking a lot of chances for him.” Adam says, and Aaron just stares. 

“Took a lot of chances for you too once upon a time didn’t I?”

Adam’s mouth opens and closes a couple of times like he’s a goldfish and then he sighs. “I’ll get my coat.” He says before leaning over and grabbing his keys from the table. 

—

Aaron marches the whole way to Robert’s room before Adam grabs him back and checks who’s around.

“Some girl.” Adam says, and then Aaron’s closing his eyes. “Same one as yesterday I think.”

“Vic.” Aaron sighs. “Is she alone?”

Adam nods. “Looks like it. Sister?”

Aaron peels himself away from the wall. “No his mum.” He watches Adam’s eyes widen. “Yes his sister. Does she look ...”

“Like he’s getting better?” Adam stares at her for longer than necessary and Aaron hits him lightly on the arm before getting his attention again. “She’s just sitting there, watching him.” 

There’s this tug in Aaron’s chest that won’t go away and he struggles to forget it as they sit and wait. He thinks of a police officer walking past, spotting him, remembering him and then he’s back to thinking about Robert all over again.

It’s exhausting.

Aaron works a hand over his knuckles, does this back and forth motion that starts to hurt and then Adam’s staring down at him.

“What?”

Adam looks pale. “Stop that.” He says. “I thought you didn’t ...” 

Aaron catches what he’s saying and then places his hands over his lap. “I don’t.”

“You’re stressed. I get it.”

“You’ve got no idea.” 

Adam frowns, scoots closer. “If he kicks it then ... then guess what’ll happen to me.”

Aaron can’t believe him. “Poor _you_. Poor — his dad died a couple of weeks ago you know? I had to stand there and watch him look down at his grave and ...”

Adam scowls. “You’ve been back here before now?”

Aaron looks away.

“Are you _mental_?”

“Maybe.” Aaron shouts and then some woman walks past and gives him this funny look. He only starts up again when she passes by. “Not as mad as you though hmm? Getting involved in some shit with someone you hardly know.”

“I do know him.” Aaron rolls his eyes. “He’s my half brother.” He didn’t expect that, the news sort of hits him like a wave. “It’s a long story you don’t know about.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “But that means ...” He thinks of John, thinks of everything to do with him dying. “Ad ...”

“I needed to make quick money. I just wanted to _go_.” Adam looks down and then sighs as he sits back on his chair. “And now everything’s a mess.”

Aaron offers him this look and then wipes at his eyes. He goes to speak when he watches Donna walking up to him without her police get up on. She looks fairly normal and not like the criminal mastermind she’s clearly trying to be. 

“In here.” Donna tilts her head towards a room and Aaron watches her walk up and down before stopping. “Is he awake?”

Aaron shakes his head. “Aaron, I don’t know much longer you think you can keep this up for.”

Aaron knows, he still shrugs though. “As long as it takes.”

Donna rubs a hand across her face. “It’s not ... that’s not possible though is it? I know you’re ... _emotional_.” She sighs. “But we have to think here.”

“About saving your own neck?” Aaron asks.

“No. About the fact that we’ve all been interviewed by the police over what’s happened.”

“So _yeah_ about saving your own —“

Donna looks over at Adam.

“Just listen for a second Aaron.” Adam’s saying. “Please man, we just ... we don’t know what to do here.”

“What did you tell the police?” Aaron says, he doesn’t care, it shows in his voice as Adam starts freaking out again.

“That I was ... I found him on the road. Donna was nearby. She helped until we called for an ambulance.”

Aaron frowns, shoulders hunched further. “What happened to the guy driving?” 

Adam shakes his head. “I convinced him it wasn’t his fault. That ... that he should just go.”

“And he listened to that?”

Donna clears her throat. “He was still there when I showed up.”

“Oh.” Aaron looks at her up and down. “In your uniform, making him think it’s alright.” He closes his eyes. “And Ross?”

Adam and Donna stare at each other.

Aaron breathes in. “The _twat_.” He starts pacing around the room and then sighs again. Donna tells him to calm down and he scowls at her. “Calm down? He’s not awake. He’s not awake ‘cause you’re fucked up plan has put him in ...”

Adam darts for the door, slams it as he goes and Aaron feels this weight hit him until Donna is trying to get through to him again.

“If someone catches you, that’s it Aaron. That’s you _straight_ back in prison, no bail, no second chances.” Aaron shakes his head, shrugs. “What would your mum think?”

Aaron’s jaw clenches. “You haven’t said anything to her.” It’s almost a question. “Donna?”

“No.”

Aaron’s shoulders relax and he suddenly thinks of her. She’s been out of the equation until now and the thought of her hating him over this is like a heavy weight against his chest that won’t budge. “Leave her out of this.”

“I’m a mum now Aaron.” Donna steps forward, she says it like he’s supposed to feel sorry for her or something. He doesn’t. He just stares down at how she has a proper fringe now and wears pink cardigans that make her look like a school teacher. “I can’t imagine how I’d feel if ...”

“Well God knows how your kid’s going to turn out with a mum doing all this shit.”

Adam comes flying back through the door and Donna tells him to go back outside for a second like she’s planning on screaming at Aaron.

“No chance. Aaron, he’s ... that Vic’s just said he’s awake.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “What?” He comes further towards the door and Adam pushes him back in.

“There’s nurses inside checking but ... I think he’s OK.”

Aaron pulls a hand over his mouth and breathes out deeply. 

— 

He has to wait until no one else is around and that means he’s stuck thinking of what he’s supposed to say when he sees Robert. He doesn’t know what he’ll be able to get out. 

Adam’s on look out to see when Vic leaves but she’s not shifting.

Aaron’s stuck in the loo bouncing his knee until Adam’s head creeps in around the door half an hour later. “She’s gone to get him stuff from home.” Aaron’s shoulders deflate. “Heard her on the phone to some guy, Andy?”

“Is he coming now?”

“No. She sounded annoyed about him working.” Adam shrugs. “You’ve got time to see him.” Aaron nods slowly, stays put. “Well come on then.”

Aaron stares at himself in the mirror for the first time in nearly two days. He looks like an absolute wreck. He taps his cheeks, tries to look a little presentable and then runs a hand through his hair.

“Think he’ll be in a worse state than you mate.” Adam elbows him and then leans back again. Aaron searches his face and sees all the relief pouring over him in a way that he should be mirroring.

“We all know why.” Aaron manages to grit out, hands firm against the sink and head down.

“You couldn’t wait to see him.” Adam doesn’t get it. He gives this odd look and rolls his sleeves up as he comes further towards Aaron and holds his shoulder. “They said he was fine. I heard them. No lasting damage, just a really bad hit to the head. That’s all.”

“Nothing from you punching him?”

Adam almost looks embarrassed. “Weak shot. What can I say?”

Aaron look up at him and almost forgets this space that’s between them now. He sighs hard, eyes wet and beady. “What if he doesn’t want to see me?”

Adam looks at him like he’s insane. “He tracked me down, wanted me to put things right. Of course he wants to see you.”

Aaron winces. “Why’s that even worse?”

Adam gulps hard enough for Aaron to hear. The hand on Aaron’s shoulder tightens a little. “It’s not. It’s good.”

Aaron looks down at the floor. “I’m scared of all this ...” He can’t think of the word. “Mess.” He gets out, a few seconds later and his eyes firmly shut.

“I know.” Adam says, before smiling a little. “But I bet he is too. Being scared together is better than you standing in the gents without him ain’t it?”

Aaron almost laughs, he manages to wipe his eyes and shudder out something. He nods once an then twice before walking out of the door behind Adam.

“Be on look out yeah?” He says when he approaches the door. Adam nods, offers him this look and then he’s swinging the door open.

It’s quiet when he walks in. He stays exactly where he is and focuses on the blue colours and stark white machines that hurt his head. He keeps looking around almost like he can’t bare to see Robert himself. 

Eventually he looks at him. For a second it’s Jackson all over again, it’s that ticking over and over in his mind almost relentlessly. He has to shake himself to realise that he’s not him, that he’s OK, that he’s awake. He stares over him, watches him sleep and then brings a hand through Robert’s hair.

It’s weird seeing him so still.

“Rob.” Aaron whispers, almost minutes after staring. For a second, Robert doesn’t even twitch and then his eyes flicker open until they’re wide and green. “You scared me half to death, you ...” He almost cradles him before he feels Robert using all this strength to pull him away.

“Go.” Robert forces out, weak and strangled and his hands push as Aaron comes closer.

“What?” Aaron pushes the words out in a stammer. His eyes fill with tears and it’s his very worst fear has come true. “No, no I’m not ...”

“Can’t ... can’t be here.” Robert’s taking his breathing mask off, eyes almost rolling back as he pushes and then Aaron holds both his hands and shakes his head.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Aaron whispers, he kisses Robert’s hands and tries not to cry. “You’re OK. You’re in hospital.”

“Not in ... in Paris.” Robert whispers, he holds at Aaron’s hand still and then shakes his head. “You can’t be here. It’s not ... it’s not safe.”

Aaron shakes his head. “I don’t care about me. I thought you were _dead_.” He watches Robert cower around it all. “I’m sorry. I’m ... you’re ...”

Robert’s eyes are different than Aaron remembers. They’re smaller and filled with this fear that Robert always tries his best to suppress. “Not dead.” He whispers as he stares up at Aaron. “They said I ...”

Aaron holds on to Robert’s arm. “Said what?”

Robert closes his eyes, puts his mask back on for a second and Aaron watches his shoulders relax. “They said I couldhave been brain dead.”

Aaron feels his eyes close shut around the words. His hands start shaking and he places both firmly by his side before shaking his head. “I’m so sorry.” He says, only Robert frowns at him. “I know what you were doing you idiot.” Robert’s jaw locks a little. “You didn’t ... you didn’t have to do that.”

Robert breathes in steadily. “I heard your voicemail.” 

Aaron looks away sadly. “I was just ...”

“A mess. Like I was. I’d convinced myself that you’d have moved on.”

Aaron shakes his head. “I tried.” Robert’s eyes widen. “I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.” He has his hands over Robert’s arm again and he squeezes down gently. “I just wanted you.” It makes him sound weak, he tilts his head away for a second because of it.

“And I just wanted to talk to him.” Robert shakes his head lazily. “It’s not fair. You being miserable there and not here with ...” He stares, looks bright red and lost before he stares at the sheets again. “It’s not fair.”

“None of this is.” Aaron frowns and then looks down at Robert. “I learnt that ages ago. But you.” He holds Robert’s face suddenly, strokes his thumb against Robert’s cheek. “You weren’t supposed to get caught up in any of it.”

Robert blinks out heavily. “I’m OK.”

Aaron sighs, leans away. “No. No you’re hurt. I’ve hurt you. Again.” He runs a hand through his hair and sees that he’s crying when he wipes his face with the back of his arm. “You could have _died_.”

“I didn’t.” Robert tries to lean up and then groans against it. He slides down again and sighs. “You shouldn’t have come here Aaron.”

“I couldn’t stay in Paris. I couldn’t just sit there and _wait_.” Aaron whispers. “I had to see you even though ...”

“Even though what?”

Aaron moves his thumb over his hand and then breathes out. “Kept thinking of how you left when I told you.” He whispers the words. “Couldn’t stop thinking ... if you died ... that’d be the last time that I’d have spoke to ya.”

Robert closes his eyes. “That’s what I thought, you know, when I was just laying there. I could still hearing everything but I couldn’t. Move. I couldn’t move.”

Aaron’s chin wobbles and he runs a hand over Robert’s arm. Robert closes his eyes for a second and then stares towards the window, sees Adam. “What’s he doing here?”

“He’s sorry.” Aaron says. “He ... he hid me last night.” He bites his lip wearily when Robert turns to look at him.

“He looks shit scared.”

“Thinks you’re going to tell the police he tried to kill you or something.” Aaron watches Robert look at Adam and then down at the sheets again. “Robert you can’t.”

Robert doesn’t say anything. There’s suddenly this cunning look in his eyes and Aaron’s certain that he’s back to normal now. “He’d be arrested, confessing to arson would be nothing in comparison.”

Aaron sighs and suddenly he doesn’t want Adam in trouble like this. He wants to whack him over the head, make him never do anything like this again but that’s about it. “You can’t grass.”

“That’s what you think it’d be? Me grassing on him like he’s graffitied on a wall or something.” Robert’s voice is weak as he lays there struggling to get his words out.

“Don’t get yourself worked up.” Aaron has a hand on his shoulder, squeezes gently and then Robert looks up at him.

“You could be arrested any second now.” Robert breathes in deeply. “Or Vic could walk in, remember you, freak out.” He closes his eyes and then Aaron holds his face again, kisses his forehead in this way that makes Robert relax completely.

“It’s all OK now.” Aaron whispers gently into Robert’s ear as he kisses at his temple. “You’re OK.”

Robert huffs. “And now you’re not.”

“I said don’t worry about me.” Aaron says before putting the breathing mask back over Robert. “I’ll be fine. Now you’re fine.” He smiles down at him and then looks out the window at Adam again. 

Robert almost senses it. “I won’t tell the police what he did.” He says after a few minutes, he breathes in and then out again. Aaron’s eyes widen. “Yeah, it’s tempting but ... he’s not going to confess is he.” He looks down and then back at Aaron. “Anyway, I pushed ... he pushed.”

“And you ended up getting thrown in front of a car.” Aaron breathes out, feels this wave of something hit him. “I hate myself for it. I hate how much I’ve hurt you in this.” It all spills out, makes this mess around them before Robert brings him close.

“I don’t hate you.” Robert gulps down what looks like a wave of pain. Aaron just stares at him in shock. “Couldn’t. Which is why you need to go, now. I can’t have you locked up ‘cause of me.”

“Cause of _you_?”

Robert plays with the sheets. “You racing back here was for my benefit. No?” 

Aaron closes his eyes and hears this panic in Robert’s voice.

“I’m not ruining your life OK?”

“You do the _opposite_.” Aaron shouts it out and Robert’s face falls. His eyes flicker gently and then he turns away. Aaron wants to shut up but be can’t. “Don’t you get that?” He comes closer and then his hands fall over Robert’s face. He closes his eyes before breathing Robert in and seeing his mouth part.

He takes it as a sign, pours himself towards Robert and feels this thudding in his chest out of nowhere. It feels like this feeling is everywhere, like it’s going to always last. He kisses him with everything he has before leaning away and resting his forehead against Robert’s.

“I missed that.” Robert whispers, voice croaky and soft.

Aaron feels something dawn on him. It hits him over head in this way that makes everything slow down. He feels like he’s suddenly at peace.

Aaron stares down at him, nods against his forehead before shuddering. “That’s why I’m going to hand myself in.

Robert suddenly tenses and he pulls away from Aaron. “No way.”

Aaron shrugs. “I can’t go back.”

Robert sighs. “You have to.”

“I can’t be there anymore. Not on my own.”

Robert nods. “Well I’ll come with ya.” He says it so easily, like it’s absolutely nothing at all.

“You’ve got the farm.”

“Fuck the farm.” Robert shouts and he has to have his mask back on for a few seconds before he throws it off again. “We can just _go_.”

“Just leave your family? I’ve done that Robert. It’s shit.” Aaron wipes at his face and gulps. “I’m not doing that to you.”

“Doing what?”

Aaron closes his eyes. “Ed was cool with it too. He didn’t see why it mattered. We were younger, didn’t think about the futureand yeah maybe he didn’t think we’d ... I don’t know … love each other. But we did. No matter how it ended. And I still hurt him. I couldn’t just go running off around the world with him. I had to let him go, he’d have been stuck there with me if I didn’t.” Robert goes to speak and Aaron shakes his head. “If we stayed together, he would have ended up hating me. I can’t have you do the same. I can’t. Not like that.”

“I already told you I couldn’t hate you.”

“Maybe not now but eventually.” Aaron breathes out the words and looks at Robert’s face.

“I’m not Ed. He didn’t know what he was getting himself into but I do.” Robert says, his voice stronger than Aaron can ignore. “I do Aaron.” 

“Never coming back.”

Robert’s face gives it away within a second.

“If we get spotted leaving and they chase us and we have to keep running over and over again.” Aaron’s heart thuds just thinking about it. “They’ll be looking for you too.”

Robert keeps his head down. “I’ll handle it.”

“You’ll miss your family.”

“I’ll miss _you_.” Robert shudders. “Hasn’t all this taught us something? We’re ... rubbish without each other Aaron.”

Aaron closes his eyes. “I know that.”

“So then we _go_.”

Aaron shakes his head firmly. “Can’t do that to my mum again. I miss them Robert. I miss my family and you’ll ... Vic needs you.” He closes his eyes. “I’ll ... I’ll do the time.” He knows it’s the only way, he’s not even sad about it. There’s this sense of relief washing over him as he tries to take it all in. “It’d be worth it if ...”

Robert looks away. “If what?”

Aaron’s eyes fill with tears. “If you’re ... if you want me.” He says. “If you’ll be there when I get out.”

Robert’s eyes widen. “Aaron ... you could get years.”

Aaron feels this crushing weight hit his chest. “So that’s ... that’s no?” Aaron feels this punch in his stomach but he still sticks to Robert’s side, has a hand squeezing Robert’s because he can’t bring himself to let go.

Robert shakes his head. “No. It’s not that. It’s ... you shouldn’t have to go through that. You haven’t done anything.” Aaron looks outside towards Adam and then back in the room again. “You know I’m right.”

“It doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong Robert. I gave him my word.”

Robert’s probably not supposed to be getting this frustrated. His head is still bruised and cut and he’s got this pale glow about him that won’t budge. “Two years ago. When you had a job you loved, someone to share it all with. What’s in Paris now? A flat and a job you don’t ...” Aaron looks away. “What?”

“I got the sack.” Robert’s eyes flicker. “Look I get it. I do. But I ... I can handle time inside if I’ve got you. I can.” Aaron doesn’t know if he can, he has absolutely no idea if it’ll break him or not.

Robert closes his eyes, and Aaron strokes his face. He eventually opens them again and his shoulders relax. “You really think so?”

Aaron nods. “I can’t go back without you.” He whispers. “I can’t forget you.”

Robert’s voice is thick with emotion as he smiles. “Can’t forget your either. You idiot.”

Aaron sighs, stares at his hand in Robert’s. “Maybe you should have. Maybe it’d be easier than whatever’s coming but ...”

“I want to be yours Aaron.” Aaron looks up sharply and smiles. “Because when I told you I think I love you in that barn ... I meant ...”

“I’m in love with you too.” Aaron whispers, eyes red and tears swimming. “Sort of why I risked my freedom for you and all that.”

Robert breathes in and smiles. “And all that.” He says like he’s taking it all in. “I love you. I really love you.” He nods, over and over again and then pulls Aaron closer to him. “I’m not letting you go.”

Aaron holds onto him before there’s this tapping on the window and he sees Adam looking in on them. 

—

Aaron stays until Robert falls asleep again, ignores Adam’s second tap on the window telling him he needs to leave soon. He steps out of the room slowly and runs a hand over his face before turning to see Adam.

“He OK?” Adam says, practically pounces like a puppy with his wide eyes. He steps back when Aaron looks at him.

“Yeah. He’s ...” Aaron stares at Robert through the window and then stops. “He’s fine.”

Adam sighs and it’s like his legs turn to jelly or something. “Good.” He nods. “That’s great.” Aaron feels a hand on his shoulder and tries to smile. “Looked intense.”

Aaron pulls a face.

“I just mean ...” Adam doesn’t know what he means, he hardly ever does and Aaron’s starting to find some peace in that. He shakes his head and then looks around. “Look Ross’ packed me a bag. Both of us a bag. You’re going to have to wear my tat until we’re ...”

Aaron frowns. “I can’t.” 

Adam scoffs. “My get up is usually fire mate.” He almost laughs and then he has this look on his face. “Aaron?”

Aaron breathes in, keeps watch of Robert laying on the bed almost still looking lifeless. “Adam, I can’t.”

Adam gulps, shuffles on his feet a little. “He’s OK. He’s got family Aaron. I’m surprised that his sister’s taking this long coming back.” He says. “If you stay, then ...”

“I’m going to turn myself in.” Aaron blurts it out but he means. He really means it. 

Adam’s face falls and he scoffs.  “Yeah right.”

Aaron stays silent, stares right at Adam.

“You can’t.” Adam says more seriously suddenly. It’s like years have gone back and Adam’s the responsible one capable of dragging out of mayhem. “You’ll get ... you’ll be sent down Aaron. For running, for the arson. You can’t ...”

“I can’t run anymore.” Aaron whispers. “You don’t know how hard it is. You’ve got no clue.” He looks through at Robert again. “He’ll be here. I want to be where he is.” He turns back again. “Where everyone is.”

Adam’s chin wobbles. “You’ll be in _prison_?” 

Aaron gulps, nods his head. “In some crazy way it’ll be like I’m free.” He shrugs and Adam looks at him like he’s losing it. “Not in some weird hippy way. Just. In a good way Ad.” He looks down because he knows Adam still thinks he’s mental.

“Your mum is going to ...”

“You need to get her here if you can. I want to explain myself before she finds out from anyone else.” He can imagine the gossip, it makes his head spin. “Now Adam.”

Adam still looks stunned but he eventually walks away, gets his phone out as he goes through the swinging doors. Aaron watches him before turning back towards the window and heading back inside.

Robert looks so worried. “Don’t.” Aaron says. “I’m going to be OK. As long as ...”

Robert closes his eyes. “As what? I can’t help you in there.”

Aaron nods, comes closer. “You can visit me can’t ya?” His eyes dart across Robert’s face. “Can’t ya?”

Robert nods easily. “Of course I can. I will. But ...”

“And then ... it’ll be _over_ and I won’t have it hanging over me.” Aaron says with this passion in his voice. “Over us.”

Robert looks away. “Shouldn’t have it over you in the first place.” There’s this bitterness in his voice that is suddenly everywhere in the room.

Aaron sighs. “Nothing I can do about it now.”

“No. Maybe not you but ... Adam could start telling the truth.” Robert’s voice is weak suddenly, barely there but still strong. He leans out and touches Aaron’s face. It seems to calm him down completely. “I missed this.”

“What?” Aaron’s head dips.

“Touching you.” Robert gulps hard. “Being this close.” He closes his eyes gently. “And I’m going to lose it all over again.” 

Aaron hates himself again. “Yeah. For a bit. Then ...” He looks up. “Then we get to be normal.”

“Normal?”

“I’ll take you out on a date.” Aaron’s face reddens under it and Robert frowns. 

“We’ve been on a few.”

“Not official ones. I mean ... a proper one.” Aaron holds Robert’s hand tightly. “Where I’m your ...” He clears his throat and then Robert bites his lip.

“I’ve not had a boyfriend before. You’ll have to show me the ropes.”

Aaron feels special under it, blinks gently. “Is that you saying yeah?”

“Was that you asking?”

Aaron squeezes his hand. “Robert Sugden ...”

“Jacob.”

“What?” Aaron has this smile on his face that won’t budge. “Jacob? That’s your middle name?” Robert nods. “Robert _Jacob_ Sugden ... would you like to be ...”

“Aaron.” Adam interrupts, comes in and waves a hand out towards Aaron. “Your mum ... she’s outside. In the car.”

Robert frowns a little. “Saying goodbye?”

Aaron shrugs. “I’m not getting bail am I? I just want her to know why I’m doing this.” He looks down at Robert. “I ... I love ...” For some weird reason that words get stuck at the back of his throat and Robert just nods his head. “You know?”

“I know.” Robert whispers, his eyes are like pools of green glass, deep and full of something Aaron didn’t think he’d get to see.

Aaron kisses him, watches Adam pull this face like he’s sad or something. He doesn’t stare back. He just runs a hand over Robert’s face and smiles.

“Bye you.” Aaron whispers, he holds Robert’s hand firmly and then pulls away so slowly that it hurts.


	25. Melancholy reunions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron has a surprising reunion with family members, a heart to heart with Adam, and then follows through with his plan.

  
His mum is in tears before he even gets to the car. He can see her massacre running down her face and he stops before Adam pushes him forward.

He gets in the car and then breathes in when she wraps her arms around him and shakes her head.

“I can’t believe this.” His mum says, she’s still holding him tight and then she pushes him off suddenly. “You told me you wouldn’t do this again. I’ve been so worried.”

Aaron nods tightly. “I ain’t got time to explain but I will. I’ll explain it all when ...”

“When you next pop down to visit.” Chas scoffs.

“It won’t be that long.” Aaron looks down at his lap and then gulps hard. “I’m handing myself in.” He can see her face fall, her eyes water, this stillness in her that he hates. “I’m going to tell them it was me, just get this over with. Then it’ll ...”

“It’ll what? Be OK?” Chas’ eyes widen. “This isn’t going to be a slap on the wrist. It’s going ... it’ll be years Aaron. It’s arson.”

Aaron nods. “Then it’ll be over.” He says. “I can do this mum.”

Chas runs a hand over her face and then sighs. “All of a sudden?” Aaron looks over at Adam. “What are you not telling me?”

Aaron sighs, decides to be economical with the truth or whatever they say. “Robert was hit by a car.”

Chas frowns. “Is he ... alright?”

Aaron nods. “But he nearly died. He could have been brain dead and if I hadn’t left a stupid voicemail I wouldn’t have even known.”

Chas’ concern slips. “So that’s why? You’re doing all of this ‘cause of some bloke you’ve known for a couple of months.”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut and hates how simple everything they’ve been through can be boiled down to. He sighs hard and looks at his mum. “It’s more than that. You should know that.” She looks away like she does. “Mum, I thought he could be _dead_. I don’t want to waste anymore time _running_. I want it to be over.”

Chas looks away and then at Adam like she wants to stamp on him with her red stilettos.

Aaron tries to get her attention again, he holds at her hand and she looks so sad it makes his heart jolt all of a sudden. “I thought you’d be ... relieved.” Aaron leans over. “I’ll be home.”

“Or wherever they want to put ya.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Closer than Paris.” He decides with a hopeful smile. “I’m just sick of lying. I want to be honest.”

Chas darts her eyes towards Adam. “Think we should all be honest. I think that’d be _great_.”

Aaron bites his lip. “Mum. _I’ve_ made the decision.” He looks at Adam and then down again. “I’m not going back on my word.”

“You’re not a soldier, you’ve not written it in blood. Darling you’re not thinking.”

“I’m so tired of hearing that.” Aaron runs a hand over his face and then frowns. “I’m thinking about the _future_ mum. I want to be home. More than anything. But I have to serve the time.”

“You don’t have to do _anything_.” Chas cups his face and then drops her hand slowly when he sighs. “But you will anyway.”

Aaron nods. “And I’ll just ... I’ll just hope you that you’ll be there for me when I need ya.” He hates this, he hates how desperate he sounds. He can hear it in his voice and it’s everywhere suddenly.

“You don’t have to ... ask that.” Aaron lifts his head up and she smiles at him weakly before sighing again. “I’ll always be there for you. Through ... through everything.” She looks at Adam once again and Aaron tries to stop her. 

“I have to go.” Aaron says, he tries to lean away. “If I turn myself in now ... well it’s better than them doing some manhunt for me isn’t it?” He’s speaking as softly as he can, trying his hardest to not make her even angrier at him.

Chas shakes her head though like the idea is almost impossible. “Not yet.”

“Mum.”

“Come to the pub.”

“They’ll look for him there first Chas.” Adam speaks for the first time in ages and Aaron runs a hand over his knuckles as his mum tells him to butt out. “I’m right.”

“You’re a bloody idiot, that’s what you are.”

“Mum.” Aaron runs a hand over his forehead. “What’s one night at the pub going to do?”

“I’m asking ... as your _mother_, for one night of looking after ya before you throw yourself to the dogs.” Chas’ always been dramatic but this takes the biscuit. He doesn’t even know what to say. “It’s not like you can stay with Robert.”

“He stayed at mine last night.” Adam’s chumming in again, but it’s clearly only making Chas want to hit him more.

“What a _good_ mate.”

“Mum.” Aaron says, again. “It’s too risky.”

“You’ve been careful before.” Chas runs a hand over her messy massacre and sighs. “I’ll get the family round.” She even smiles and Aaron sighs again. “Hey, Donna’s back you know, she’s a police officer so she can help ya with handing yourself ...”

“Yeah. Fine. Whatever.” Aaron itches his head and then bites his lip. “One night.”

—

He stands in his old room and looks around with wide eyes. He didn’t remember how small it is, how he left it with dark walls and a self standing mirror.

For a second, he thinks about all those ridiculous tops he tried on for dates that went nowhere, the others that went places and led to things. He closes his eyes around a million memories until he realises it’s raining outside.

He goes to sit and look, his gaze falling over the people walking past. There’s a knock on his door ten minutes later and he’s surprised to see Marlon and his gangly self standing there.

“Well. Hello Mr Stranger Man.” He’s always been weird, and tall, and generally awkward but now Aaron has absolutely no idea what to reply with.

“Alright.” He decides on. He looks down at the towel Marlon’s holding. “What’s ...”

“Shower. Your mum said you stink.” Marlon leans over and then back again as he passes the towel and stares at his cousin. “You’re back then?”

“Not legally. Well. Not yet anyway.” Aaron gulps hard. “Mum thought it’d be ... well I don’t know why but she wants me here tonight before I hand myself in.” 

Marlon looks serious suddenly. “For the arson you didn’t do?”

Aaron sighs. “Don’t start.” He sits on the bed and watches Marlon shut the door slowly. “I just want it over with now.”

“Why?”

Aaron stares at him.

“Why now?”

It’s a loaded question and yet he can think of exactly one word to sum it all up. 

“Met someone.” Aaron clears his throat when Marlon makes this noise. “In Paris. From here.” He shrugs. “He made me realise I want to be back here, as soon as.”

Marlon folds his arms and hums. “Sounds serious.” He says.

“Yeah well.” Aaron blinks. “He got into an accident.” Marlon leans right down so that Aaron’s forced to look him in the eye. “He’s OK.” He says. “But he wasn’t and the thought of not being here to see him was stupid.” He doesn’t know why speaking to Marlon about this is suddenly the easiest thing in the world but it is.

“Does he know you’re handing yourself in?”

Aaron nods. He goes to speak before the door is being knocked on and his mum stands with Adam.

“He wanted to see you.” She’s not happy. Everything about the way she’s standing there talking tells him that. “He’ll still be here when he’s out the shower though.” She looks at Adam. “So just wait.”

Aaron stands, towel in hand and a bunch full of spare clothes as he moves past Marlon and gives him a thankful nod. 

—

The shower is hot and manages to relax his muscles. He wonders if his next shower will be this private, decides how stupid that sounds considering he knows it won’t be. The thought makes his hands shake for a second before he runs a hand through his hair and pulls himself together.

The shower turns off slowly as he gets out, spurts of water still hitting the tiles until it stops altogether and he’s walking back to his room dressed in a change of clothes. He stops on the landing when he hears the sound of someone he knows.

She sounds like Victoria. He leans over until he’s practically down the stairs and then he stops.

“— needed to get out of that village.” He can hear. The sound of glasses and people talking drowns most of it out. “But at least Andy’s with him. Maybe he won’t look so down now.” Aaron closes his eyes hard against that and then suddenly finds it difficult to keep hearing. “Yeah. No, he just looked really _sad_. I know he’s on the mend but maybe it’s ... well he did have a visitor.”

“Mate.” Adam decides to come out of his room and stare at him hanging off the stairs. “What are you ...”

“Shh.” Aaron keeps trying to listen but her voice is drowned out again. He turns around and gets into his room again before he speaks. “Think she knows Robert had another visitor.”

Adam shrugs. “So?”

“So she’ll ask. Him.” Aaron rolls his eyes. “He don’t need anymore stress.”

“Like you do.” Adam says. He sits down on Aaron’s bed and looks around. “It’ll be fine.”

Aaron stands against the wall with his hands in his pockets. “At least he ain’t alone, she said his brother was sitting with him.”

Adam nods and then the door goes and his mum comes in with a banquet like it’s his last supper.

“Mum.”

“What?” She acts like there’s nothing wrong with a four course meal prepared for him. “Just treating ya.”

“I’m not dying.”

Chas looks at him with big wide eyes like it’s her darkest fear with him inside. He sobers almost instantly and apologies but her face stays the same.

“I’m just looking out for you.” Chas says and he slowly takes a chip from one of the plates before nodding. “Like I always will.”

Aaron smiles. “I know.” Maybe she won’t. She’s not predicable, in fact, she’s been a shite mother for a very long time but this, he believes. “Was that Vic I heard?”

Chas nods slowly. “She was in with some girl, seemed to be drinking away her troubles. She said one of the nurses saw someone in his room.” Aaron looks at Adam. “She said she’d ask him.”

“He’s not out.” Aaron says. “To her. Only Andy knows.”

Chas frowns. “She’ll be fine with it.”

“Should still be his call.” Aaron almost subconsciously looks at Adam and thinks of his own coming out and the role he played. It feels like a lifetime ago and yet it sticks at the front of his mind.

“Well.” Chas makes a point of being utterly silent for a second and then she sighs. “What about you?”

Aaron pulls a face.

“Is this really your call?”

Aaron almost rolls his eyes. “Yes.”

“He’s not forcing ya? Robert?” Aaron shakes his head and she leans in. “I’m just checking, you know.”

“He tried talking me out of it.”

“Well you are saying goodbye to any immediate future with the bloke.” Chas pulls a pillow from his bed and gets comfy on the floor with her son whilst Adam sits on the bed looking nervous.

“Yeah. For a long future. Hopefully.” 

Chas almost smiles and then she falters.

“What if you can’t cope in there?”

“He will.” Adam nods his head and his face is reddens.

“Wouldn’t you like to think that.” Chas practically hisses at Adam, it’s so sudden that Adam backs away suddenly. “If you think about ... hurting yourself then —“

“I won’t.” Aaron doesn’t know a lot of things about himself. He’s an unpredictable mess at the best of times but he does know that he won’t go back there. He doesn’t know how to translate it well enough though because his mum just sort of stares at him sadly. “Got you. Got ... Robert. Even got this idiot.”

“Who won’t be a man about this.”

Aaron’s eyes widen under it and Adam stares at her.

“He won’t let me. He wants to do this.”

“He _wants_ to. Is that your reply?”

Adam sighs. “No. It’s — I can’t force him to ...”

There’s a strong knock at the door that gets his mum jumping out of her skin. She presses a hand to her chest before Marlon’s announcing himself and then there’s Cain standing with him.

Then there’s Moira.

“Is it true? You’re handing yourself in?” Moira’s aged well. She’s still very Scottish and does that thing where her hand settles on her hip when she’s surprised.

“Hi Aaron, nice to see you Aaron.” Aaron decides to say, his gaze fixed on the way her eyes dart about.

Moira blushes. “I’m sorry.” She waves a hand out but she clearly isn’t because she only takes a second to pause and then press on. “I just. You’re _here_.”

“So are you. When did you get back?” Chas asks. She stands over Aaron like she’s protecting him from her badgering.

“Yesterday.”

“Well you don’t need to be here pecking his head, he’s leaving your spineless son out of it for some weird reason.”

Aaron stands when she speaks and drags her back. “Leave it.”

Moira looks like she’s swallowed a stone and Cain steps further into the room. “I wasn’t going to ... I was just wondering if ...”

“Well I’m not.” Aaron puffs his chest out. “I’m not doing this for him. I’m doing it for me.” Cain smiles smugly at him. “What?”

“Look like a man.”

“As opposed to the girl I was?” Aaron says but he smiles when Cain steps forward and hugs him. He seems to be agreeing with whatever he’s doing but it only makes Chas slap his arm.

“He shouldn’t have to do this.”

“He won’t _let_ me take the blame Chas.” Adam’s starting to really sound like a broken record now and Aaron just shakes his head at him. “And I’m _sorry_.”

“He is.” Moira jumps in.

“So sorry he’s been up to all sorts recently?” Chas says and she doesn’t even know the half of it. Aaron watches Adam’s face crumble against it like he’s a kid.

“I’ve been struggling.” Adam says. “I know. But I promise I ...”

“— And what’s the point of bringing him down with you anyway? If you’re already going to get charged with ...”

“I. Know.” Aaron looks at her. “I get it. Can you leave now?” Moira looks over at Adam and then back at Chas. 

“I’m sorry Chas.” She says before walking out the door.

Cain holds at Aaron’s chin. “Whatever you need in there, you let me know straight away yeah?”

Aaron nods tightly before hugging his uncle again and watching him get to the door.

Marlon’s still hanging uselessly. “I’d keep these lights down in here n’all. Donna, she’s a copper now so if she sees the lights on she’ll get all ... you know ... police like.” He makes the sound of a police car with his mouth closed and it’s so weird that he quietly excuses himself after wishing Aaron all the best.

Chas is crying again, only this time it’s aimed at herself. Aaron can tell that this was all supposed to make him change his mind, blame Adam, get him off the hook or something. And yet it hasn’t.

“I’ll be downstairs.” She goes before he can hear her anymore. It makes him slump down on the ground again and look at the sticky toffee pudding she’s stuck in a bowl with this sadness in his eyes.

“Aaron ...”

“So Ross. He’s your brother then?” He hasn’t even asked, nothing has been stable enough for him to understand what’s been going on in Adam’s head. Somehow sitting cross legged on his bedroom floor is the best place to talk about it all.

Adam sobers, comes to sit opposite Aaron on the carpet. “Half. They’ve always been my cousins. Always.” He stares down and then up again. “Pete, Ross, Finn. They’re just meant to be my cousins.” It makes it ten times worse. “Yeah. Ten times worse I know.”

Aaron frowns. “So your mum cheated on ...” He sighs. “God.”

“One off apparently.” Adam’s knee bounces. “But it doesn’t change anything.” 

Aaron closes his eyes for a second. “I know she loved your dad. It doesn’t change that.”

Adam pulls a face. “Makes it worse.” He says. “When she told me, when it came out. I just. I didn’t know what to do.” Adam’s jaw clenches. “I was _so_ angry Aaron. I still am.” He drops his head. “And it’s taken me to some pretty dark places.”

Aaron’s shoulders tighten slightly. “Drugs. After Holly. After _everything_ she went through, you all went through.” He realises this probably isn’t helping and stops. “I was worried.”

“Everyone was. But I just. I couldn’t bring myself to care. My mum was a liar. You were gone.” Aaron gives his this look. “Because of me. I know ‘cause of me and that made it worse.”

“You could have spoke to me.”

Adam stares at the floor. “The whole reason you left was to help me. I didn’t know what to say. How to say it.”

Aaron shakes his head. “I probably wouldn’t have known what to say either. But at least you wouldn’t have been on your own.” He runs a hand over his eyes. “You wouldn’t have turned to drugs.”

Adam gulps. “I couldn’t turn to anyone else, anything else. I still can’t because all I see is ... that they’ve taken away what I knew was real.”

“It still is.” Aaron says gently. “In your mind. You know John was your dad.”

Adam closes his eyes for a second. A minute goes by and then he sighs, rubs a hand over his face. “So it’s been shit. I’ve been ungrateful. More than that.”

Aaron pulls a face. “You weren’t ever in my debt.”

“I wasn’t supposed to fuck up though. Ruin your chance to be happt.” Adam stops abruptly. “I saw you with him.” Aaron stares up. “Never seen you look ... you looked so certain.”

“Certain?”

“That he was it. He was worth it.” Adam nods his head. “You were all soft.”

Aaron shrugs with one shoulder and feels himself blush. “He makes me feel ... I don’t care how long it’s been. I don’t care how that he isn’t even my boyfriend.”

“Eh?”

Aaron blushes. “Didn’t really get round to asking him properly. You barged in, spoilt it.”

“Becoming a habit.” Adam leans forward and then sighs. “M’sorry for all of this.”

“I know you are.”

“So I can put it right. I go instead. I confess.” Aaron shakes his head. “Why not?”

“Because you wouldn’t be able to survive in there. I _know_ you.” Aaron gulps, bounces his leg. He thinks about why he couldn’t do it years ago, why he had to take over and sort it out for him. Adam had always been his protector and it was him turn to protect him.

He thinks of Robert and the pain he’s caused him. He thinks of if he’ll ever be OK again and then he looks back at Adam.

“I know you too remember. I know what you do.”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut. “Used to do.”

Adam sighs. “I can’t just sit back. I know ... being in there could drive you back to that so easily.”

Aaron shrugs. “Maybe before. Not now. I’ll have all of ya.” He smiles. “So stop looking at me like that.”

Adam shakes his head. “I can’t stand in the way of you and Robert.”

“Again you mean?” Aaron snaps a little and then sighs. “Don’t mention him OK? I can’t.”

“Can’t handle the thought of it being right? Then let me.”

Aaron sighs. “No. Just no.” He breathes in. “I can handle it. You getting locked up in there is only going to make whatever’s going on in your brain even worse.”

Adam goes to speak again.

“I mean it Adam. Just. It’s fine.”

It isn’t. But it will be. It has to be. 

Adam looks away like he can’t bare to keep staring at us best friend. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Aaron feels this thick darkness hang between them. “I could do with a pint.” He says.

Adam stands slowly, gets out the door and he’s left on his own for the first time in what feels like ages. He suddenly realises how used to this he’s going to have to be again.

—

Saying goodbye to his mum is like trying to get glue off your hands once you’ve clapped. She won’t let go off him for ages and he keeps telling her he’s going to be fine.

“You’ll ... I’ll ring you as soon as.” 

Chas scowls and then sighs. “I still can’t believe you.” He can’t believe she didn’t resort to locking him in his room after he dozed off and rang the police to come fetch Adam.

Aaron breathes in a smile. “Well start.” He says. “I’m home. Sort of.”

She punches his chest lightly before bringing him back into a hug. She only pulls away when Donna comes towards the back of the pub in an unmarked police car.

“Thanks for doing this Donna.” Chas says. Aaron frowns at her. “She’s dropping you in. Looks better.”

“Doesn’t it just.” Aaron stares at Donna who’s already in the car waiting for him. She offers this nervous smile and he goes willingly. He gets in, slams the door shut and watches as they past by Moira talking to Adam by the front of the pub. He raises a hand out to Adam. “Stop for a sec.”

She slows down and Adam steps forward. Aaron watches how he tells Moira to stay back and not get involved. It’s clearly a struggle for her but she only offers Aaron this sad sorry look.

“I was on my way to see you.” Adam says, Aaron doesn’t know what to say back. He just sort of stares at him and then sees that it’s starting to rain now. He watches droplets fall down the side of the window and melt into nothing. 

“Yeah. Well. I thought I’d get it over with now.” Aaron bites his lip hard. “You don’t have to look so worried. I’m sticking to the story.”

Adam looks up. “The lie.”

Aaron looks over at Donna and then back at Adam again. “Yeah well it’s not the only one I’m keeping to myself is it.”

Adam leans over into the car. "Aaron. I don’t know what to say.”

Aaron suddenly does. It’s probably the worst time as well but he feels strong. “We’re not going to be the same Ad.” It makes Adam’s face fall. “Not yet. I know why you did what you did, I know you felt stuck but I also know that Robert could have died because of you.” He closes his eyes. “I don’t want to hate you for it.”

“But you do?”

Aaron frowns. “Yeah. A bit.” His heart thuds. “I know you’re sorry.”

Adam sighs. “I don’t know what else to do.” He almost looks frantic with this need to do something.

“Keep out of trouble.” Aaron looks at Donna again who’s trying her best not to listen in too much. “I mean it Adam. Sort yourself out.”

Adam nods, looks at his mum. “We’re getting there.”

Aaron almost smiles. “Good.” He says before looking out across the village. “I’ll see you then.”

Adam pulls back from the car and Moira’s holding onto him as they pull out of the village and away from sight. Donna doesn’t say anything to him and he sticks the radio on before turning it off and feeling this unease rush over him.

It’s natural to think he’s made a mistake, to second guess everything before he’s even done it.

She almost senses it, shuts up completely to let him think. Eventually the feeling subsides and he imagines himself a year or two from now relieved he turned himself in when he did. 

Donna clears her throat quietly, looks like a nervous wreck one minute and then cool and collected the next. It irritates him completely.

“Why you doing this?”

Donna offers this fleeting look and then turns a corner. “Doing what?”

“Driving me in.”

“Your mum begged. Then Marlon did.” Donna looks at him when he scoffs. “What?”

“So not the unwavering guilt over nearly being responsible for my boyf— Robert nearly dying.” Aaron shakes his head. “You’re actually unbelievable.”

“Yeah and you’re actually deaf.” Aaron’s eyes widen around it. “We’ve said we’re sorry.”

“Sorry you got caught _yeah_. Sorry you’re not running around the village with bags of cash or whatever.” Aaron frowns at how stupid she’s being. “Not sorry that —“

“Yes I am.” Donna slams the wheel with this force and Aaron just sort of stares at her in shock. “I’m sorry. I regret ever even trying to ...”

“Be the opposite of your job.”

Donna sighs. “Yes.” She says tightly. 

He taps his head against his knee as they wait at the lights, stares straight. “Irony here though, you driving me like I’m the criminal.” 

“You are.” 

Aaron kisses on it for a second. “True. But everyone knows that. I’m a Dingle.” He even shrugs. “But you. You’re meant to be a copper.” He pulls a face. “Wonder if Marlon knows.”

Donna gives him this desperate look. “I’m not doing anything like that again.” 

“Sure.” Aaron looks at her. “Still doing that Ross though I bet.” 

Her face hardens. “Believe what you like, he’s a good man deep down.” 

Aaron frowns, shrugs. “How deep we talking?”

Donna sighs, her lips thinning again as they eventually pull up outside the station. “Follow my lead.” She says. He gulps hard before getting out of the car. 

—

“I shouldn’t have ran. But I did. So I’m back now to own up to what I did, face it all. It was me. The fire at the garage. All of it. I just ... I want to stop running from this. I want to stop having to do that.”

He’s explaining and they’re writing it all down and there’s this tug so hard in his chest that he’s sure he’s going to explode if they don’t stop writing things down. 

“So you just turn yourself in after two years?”

Aaron knows it’s more complicated than that, knows that he’s doing this because Robert was hurt and it changed everything. But a small part of him knows that this was always going to happen sooner or later.

He knew the minute he went and fell in love with Robert.

“Yeah. You complaining?”

He gets this look from one of the officers. He doesn’t say anything at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is slowly winding down, I think they’ll be another 4 or 5 chapters left. As soon as I know I’ll pop the number of chapters left on here. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you’re still enjoying this. I love Marlon and Aaron so much so I had to squeeze in a little conversation. The Adam situation in the comments is always something that makes me laugh considering I actually really loved his relationship with Aaron, just in this particular time, he was a bit of a donut in canon. Please continue letting me know your thoughts if you have the time!


	26. A turn around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron has a visit from his mum which only worries him about Robert. Aaron’s solicitor has surprising news.

  
He doesn’t get bail and he isn’t the slightest bit surprised but it still shocks him when he’s pushed into some cell and told he’ll have to wait at least a month before anything actually starts up.

It feels like torture, feels like punishment and it should be. He knows what he’s done, why he’s done it so he just has to plough through it. 

For the most part it’s not even that bad. He keeps his head stuck down and waits on a call from his mum when he can. He doesn’t ask about Robert or the fact that he feels this _need_ to speak to him all the time. He’s worried she’s going to think he’s too reliant on him. She’ll spin it and he’ll have to defend them until he’s blue in the face.

“Tell me you’re doing alright?” His mum puts this pressure on him and it weighs down until he nods out an answer. He thinks of how much she’d want him to be alright, how he’s owed her some peace of mind.

It’s not even like he isn’t. He’s just counting down the days to be able to count down more days of this. Sometimes he can’t keep thinking about Robert, and what he’s given up, and other nights it’s bearable. 

“I’m fine.” Aaron hugs at the phone and leans against the wall. Some twat has wrote some someone’s phone number all up the side of the phone box and he stares for a second. “How’s everyone?”

It’s empty and enough to get his mum to understand who he wants to speak about. He didn’t realise he was so obvious until she’s speaking again.

“Robert’s out.” His name makes something jump in his chest. “He got out last night.”

He hasn’t rang. It’s stupid and frustrating and makes his eyes fill with tears over how easy it could be for Robert to think all this _waiting_ isn’t even remotely worth it in the end.

It’s what keeps him up at night most days. This tick tock over and over in his mind that rushes to the surface and pulls back again like an ocean wave.

“Is he ... how do you know?”

Chas makes this sound and he wonders if she’s in the back room of the pub escaping the after work service. “Well Donna’s seen Victoria. She popped in to check for us.”

“How nice of her.” Aaron says, rolls his eyes and looks down. 

“Victoria let us know. She said he was ...” She stops like she doesn’t know how to say what she needs to say. It makes Aaron freeze.

“What?”

“Not as plain sailing as they thought it’d be. He was weak. Low. I don’t know why I’m saying all of this. I’m sorry love.” He can practically see her waving her arms about and he closes his eyes around everything she’s saying, everything he doesn’t know how to ignore.

Aaron can’t explain how much he didn’t want to hear any of this. “He’s not well?”

“I didn’t hear more than that.” Chas says quickly. “I just heard it took a while for him to get out of there, that’s all.”

Aaron chews his lip. “Was it ‘cause of me?” His eyes are glassy and he tries to keep a firm grip on the phone but it slides on his clammy hands. 

“What? No. No.” Chas is so adamant but it makes him blame himself even more. “What could you have done? Hmm?”

“I stressed him out. You should have seen him when he first saw me, all panicked and worried for _me_.” Aaron closes his eyes firmly shut and shakes his head. “He kept trying to take — to take the mask off. Fucking hell.” He slams his foot against the wall and gets this look from of the guards. He straightens his back and waits for his mum to say something.

“It’s not your fault. He got hit by a car love, next you’ll be blaming yourself for that n’all.”

Aaron sighs hard, she suddenly has no idea at all and there’s no point in speaking to her about any of this. “I’m just ... I’m fine.”

“You don’t have to lie.”

Aaron wipes his face. “Honest. I’m keeping my head down like I said I would. Cain’s not got to make someone spit in anyone’s tea.” He tries to keep his voice light and filled with something that’ll make her smile. He tries to make up for his outburst two minutes earlier by changing the subject on to how the pub is doing.

“You’ll have your court date sooner than you think.” Chas says after a few minutes, like that’s what he wants. “Then it’s just a countdown until you’re out.”

Aaron closes his eyes. “Yeah.” He says, and he tries to smile through it.

—

He has a dream and it leaves him feeling cold. He swings his legs over his bed and his hands shake and all he can think about is how easily Robert could have died.

It’s on his mind again. It’s like this thing playing over and over. 

He tells himself to ignore it. He tells himself that he’s being stupid, that there isn’t a link when really he reckons there is.

There’s a chain, he’s sure there is, and it starts with him and ends with Robert in pain. Robert homeless, Robert alone and hurt, Robert losing his dad, Robert alone and hurt, Robert nearly dying. Robert alone.

“Relax.” Aaron bounces his leg and suddenly thinks of how much time he’s got to sit and think in here. He tries to pretend like everything is fine, because it is.

Everything is fine. 

—

He’s allowed his daily phone call and traces the back of his mind for Robert’s number. He gets out a few numbers before giving up and trying again the next day. He guesses on the last few digits, tries 17 and then 27 before there’s a dialling tone.

He hears the sound of the line attaching and then a silence.

“Robert?” Aaron holds the phone tighter and then frowns as the line behind him starts forming. He won’t have long now and the thought aches in his chest a little. “Robert? Are you ...”

“Uh he’s not too well at the moment.” Vic. He knows her voice, remembers her laughing with him when they were only kids. “Can I take a ... hold on do I know you?”

Aaron holds the phone tighter and then suddenly thinks of Robert’s panic, the fact that he doesn’t want them to know just yet. He thinks for so long and Vic keeps saying hello. He slams the phone down without thinking.

—

He’s still thinking about Robert because there’s not a lot else he can think about in here. The thought swirls in his mind until Adam’s coming to see him and the first thing he wants to ask if is Robert is alright.

“I haven’t heard a lot about him.” Adam almost twitches, looks across the table and then moves back. “I’ve been keeping my head down. You?”

“Trying to.” Aaron bites his lip and then this guy walks past with this look on his face. He doesn’t look up, just mouths Robert and laughs.

Aaron tenses around the way he kept saying Robert’s name on the phone to his mum. He sees the guy smirk at him, wink.

“I thought you wouldn’t want me here.” Adam’s head dips low and Aaron knows he’s not ever what’s happened, he doesn’t think he can get passed it but he doesn’t want Adam to leave. “That you’d say no.”

Aaron sticks his leg up and frowns. “It’s boring in here.” He says and then he looks at the twat from over the room. He’s laughing, elbowing the guy next to him and laughing. “Fancied a change.”

Adam leans in. “You know ... you might not get that long.” 

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Or it could be years.” He stares down at his hands instead of looking up. “Years of ...” He closes his eyes. “Being forgotten.”

“Like your mum would let that ...” Adam’s face falls. “You weren’t talking about her were you.” He leans back slowly and Aaron feels tears sting at his eyes. 

“I ain’t seen any of them for so long, my family. Bet Belle’s a proper grown up now.” Adam looks away. “What?”

“She’s been through some stuff.” Adam says. “But she’s coming out on the other side now.” 

Aaron runs a hand over his face and realises he’s thinking darkly today for a reason he can’t even express. “Missed out on so much. I’ll miss out on even more.”

“Oi. Your mum won’t let them just ...”

“How am I expecting Robert to wait for me?” It sort of hits him like a steam train. He can’t think of anything other than how stupid he is. “He nearly died, so he won’t be pulling anyone anytime soon but eventually ... he could meet someone.”

“He won’t.”

Aaron sighs and then goes to sit forward. “Maybe he should because I’m ...” There’s this wave of something dark hitting him as he stares at the floor. “I’m damaged Ad.”

“Come off it.”

“I’m in prison.” Aaron hisses. 

“Not yet.”

“Well I will be.” Aaron’s still bouncing his knee and then he thinks of Robert trying desperately to rebuild his life without his dad. “And he don’t need any of this.”

“He needs you. I saw the two of ya OK and you need him.” 

Aaron stands suddenly. “I gave up the right to all of that as soon as I ... I fessed up.”

He’s being dramatic. He knows he is but he can’t help but think it’s all true by the time he’s walking back towards his cell and staring at the ceiling.

There’s tears in his eyes and he brushes them away before someone’s at his door laughing.

“How was Robert?” 

Aaron closes his eyes. “Piss off.” The guy still stands there, laughing he’s head off and Aaron lunges forward, punches him hard in the stomach and watches him fall to the ground with a thud.

Aaron stares down at him and then up again towards the ceiling before walking away.

—

He thinks of phoning Robert again. He thinks of him answering and saying he misses him so much. He thinks of him saying he’ll visit him as soon as he can.

It makes him smile.

Then there’s Victoria answering. He closes his eyes around it before taking the plunge. 

This time there isn’t a massive line forming, he’s waited his turn, bounced like a four year old up and down for ages until he was next. At first, the line is dead, nothing is happening and he hates it all. Then he hears what he hears. It’s not Robert’s voice.

“Hello?” It’s Andy. He knows. Aaron’s jaw clicks and he’s paralysed for a second. “Is this Aaron?”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “You ...” He blinks gently. “You know ...”

“Victoria‘s been playing detective over who rang for him . He still hasn’t told her. Don’t know why.”

Aaron shrugs. “He ain’t ready. I think he’s scared she’ll ask why he hasn’t told her before now.” He sighs, thinks about how ideally he’d be only waiting outside a door ready to comfort Robert if he needs it.

“She’ll be fine with it. I was.”

Aaron scowls. “You punched him. In the face.”

“Well that was ... a misunderstanding.” Aaron rolls his eyes at that. “Anyway. She’ll be onto something else soon and stop trying to get it out of him.”

Aaron closes his eyes. “Don’t want to ‘cause any bother. I just ...”

“Want to speak to Robert I take it?” Andy doesn’t sound angry, he doesn’t sound like anything really. It’s like he’s had his personality sucked out of him as they speak. Aaron pinches the bridge of his nose and then nods like Andy can see him. 

“Yeah.”

“Why can’t you just come round. I’ll let you know when Vic’s ...”

Aaron wants to whack his head against the wall. “I handed myself in.”

“You did what?” Andy’s always been a bit of an idiot, bit of a farmer and nothing else. It’s showing. He’s slower than Sam. “To the police?”

Aaron bites his lip. “Yeah.”

“And Robert knows?”

“Has he not said anything?”

Andy sighs. “Well he’s been resting a lot so ...”

Aaron feels this pit in his stomach. “Isn’t he ... better?”

Andy doesn’t say anything at all and it’s so frustrating Aaron could scream.

“Andy, tell me, please.” He almost thinks his chin is going to start wobbling. “I just need to know if he’s —"

“He’ll be alright.” Andy decides to say; it’s not helpful but it’s something. “He mentioned you, said he met you in Paris.”

“Bumped into me.” Aaron closes his eyes and almost smiles before shuddering and trying to gather himself again. “Can I speak to him?”

“I reckon he’s asleep.” Andy clears his throat. “But I’ll tell him you called.”

“Is there any point?” Aaron didn’t mean to say it aloud but Andy’s heard now so he just has to pretend he did. 

“You tell me. You’re the one who’s in prison. I take it ... it’s ‘cause he got hurt and you wanted to be near him.”

Aaron’s frown is strong as he realises that Andy might know more than what type of hay is good for his flock of sheep. 

“He said he’d visit.” Aaron hates how vulnerable he sounds, he practically cradles the phone and frowns. “He said.”

“Then he will. When he can.” 

Aaron twists his lip again and backs against the wall. “Tell him ... tell him that.” He stops. “Tell him I still need to ask him that question.”

There’s the sound of a door slamming shut and Aaron can hear Victoria’s voice. “Yeah. Will do. Bye.” He hangs up. 

—

He doesn’t hear anything from anyone until there’s his solicitor at his door two days later.

“What’s it now?” Aaron sticks his leg up on the chair and watches his solicitor adjust her hair and clear her throat like it’s something big. 

“Someone’s come forward about the arson.”

Aaron’s head raises suddenly. “What?”

He can’t think until she’s shutting up about how she can’t really say and all she knows is that he’s the luckiest guy she’s represented all year.

“It doesn’t make ...” Aaron stops short. “Why?”

“They made sure to argue that they were in a bad space mentally, diminished responsibility it seems. So this means ...”

“Means what?” Aaron can’t think of anything other than Adam doing this for him, helping him. He can’t get passed it. 

“You’re off the hook if you comply.” 

Aaron’s face reddens. “Just ... just like that?”

“He’s saying it’s him Aaron.” She leans forward. “So the charge will be dropped. You’ll be up for perverting the cause of justice, skipping bail. But that’s a whole lot better than what it looked like before.” 

Aaron breathes in. “Less time? So I could ... I could be home earlier?” 

She nods. “Exactly.”

Aaron almost smiles before he looks down and thinks of Adam again. 

“Aaron? He wants to do this. So let him.” 

It’s like she’s his mum. He hears her in his mind and feels like he can breathe for the first time in years. 

Later, he’s bouncing his leg up and down and waiting for someone to let him know what’s going on. Eventually he gets a tight nod and he supposes he should be relieved.

“Please ... can you let me speak to him. Adam. I need to say ...” But apparently he can’t, not now anyway. 

“He’s got bail. He can see you himself if he wants to.”

Aaron bites his lip and nods. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are great and so so welcome so keep them coming if you can. This should be 30 chapters long! Massive thank you to everyone who is still reading this!


	27. Relief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron faces a visit which leads to answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note: I’m fully aware that this isn’t a realistic account of prison in terms of visits and phone calls but hey hoooo. I have 0 knowledge about inner workings of it all (just deep sociological stuff about why they are dehumanising and stuff sksks) so yeah, let’s pretend

His mum visits just after the charges have been dropped and he can’t handle how hard she squeezes him. Some warden comes over like he’s going to prize them apart if she doesn’t pull away. So she does. 

Chas’ chin wobbles and her face is red and blotchy. “God I’m so ... you have no idea how happy I am.”

Aaron nods. “Think I do.” He smiles, his eyes warm as she squeezes his arm and beams at him. “But Adam facing ...”

“He’s being a man. Using those balls of his.” Chas pulls a face. “I was beginning to think he didn’t have any. But alas.” She waves a hand out like some magician.

“Mum.” Aaron dips his head and then bounces his knee a little. “He didn’t have to do that.”

Chas scoffs. “Did from where I’m sitting.”

Aaron’s eyes turn beady. “You didn’t have a word did ya?” He can almost see it happening and he cringes against it. “Mum.”

“No. Well I tried. He said he’d seen you in here and it’d given him the push he needed. Moira pulling him back or not.” Chas shrugs slightly and then waves her hands. “What did you say to him?”

Aaron thinks about how low he felt when he was here, how he didn’t even mean to push him into changing everything but apparently it’s worked. He shrugs slightly. 

“You were down about things.” Chas frowns, almost unaffected now she knows the good news. It’s all in the past tense, like everything is great now. 

“Down?” Aaron’s eyes flicker, he doesn’t know whether to be honest. “Maybe a bit.” 

Chas stares blankly, becomes oblivious to Aaron’s pain now she knows that objectively speaking, her son should be happier. “About what?”

“What do you think?” Aaron’s voice is louder, rougher and then he sighs. “Not heard anything from him. Not a word.”

Chas stays silent for ages and he doesn’t want to read into it too much but he sort of can’t help himself. He watches her look around the room and then back at her son. “He’s probably got a lot on with the farm and everything. You know.”

Somehow it makes him feel worse. “Mum. I said ... I said I love him. I admitted it. Then I was in here, and I was without him and he can’t even ...”

His mum scratches her eyebrow. “I saw Victoria, briefly. She said he’d not been himself since all that stuff at the hospital.”

Aaron grips hold of his hands. He has no idea what that means and it makes him feel lightheaded. “What _stuff_?”

Chas closes her eyes like she’s put her foot right in it. “I don’t think he wants to worry you love. That’s all.” She gulps hard. “Doesn’t mean he don’t care. He does.”

“You don’t know that.” Aaron looks away again and wipes at his face. He doesn’t want to cry in front of her, the thought makes him shove his head down and stare at the ground for a few seconds. 

“You know what I do know.” 

Aaron raises his head. 

“Your solicitor says your sentencing is in two weeks.” Chas grins like it’s the greatest news she’s ever heard. It makes Aaron want to smile with her but he can’t help but think of what’s stopping him.

“Could get a year. Two.”

Chas scoffs. “For some silly little ...”

“Covering up some arson?” Aaron holds firm when her face falls. “Sorry.”

“Everything is going to turn out alright you know.” Chas has this wild ability sometimes of being so passionately determined that for a second it all feels better. He tries to nod his head, then he’s smiling weakly and gripping her hand.

—

He calls Adam. 

It feels weird hearing him and not seeing his big goofy face. He wants to think of him laughing but he can’t.

“Mate.” Aaron’s shoulders melt slowly against how alright Adam sounds. “Are you OK?” 

Aaron breathes out deeply. “I’m not the one who just handed himself in.”

Adam sounds like he’s at peace with it or something. He almost laughs. “Don’t. My mum’s not let me have a moment’s peace.” 

Aaron hasn’t even thought of how the Wrath Of Moira is going to sweep through the village over this. “God. I can imagine.”

“Add a few thousand more screams to whatever you’re imagining then you’ll be halfway there.”

Aaron’s laugh is breathless and then becomes empty as he leans against the wall. “Why Ad?” 

“Should be asking why it took so long.”

A small part is, always will. But he also doesn’t want to say it out loud. “I was dealing with it.”

“Sick of you _dealing_ with it.” Adam sounds so honest, so like his old self. “You’re strong. I know that. But the way you sounded ...”

“I was just feeling low when you visited.” Aaron shrugs hard and then shakes his head. “I didn’t want you taking that as a —“

“I can’t have you struggling ‘cause of me.” Adam breathes in. “You and Robert ...” Aaron squeezes his eyes shut. “You deserve to be happy without me ruining it.”

Aaron doesn’t know what to say, he holds the phone tighter and then his chin starts wobbling. “He hasn’t even come in and seen me.”

“Well he will.” Adam says it like he’s certain. “I saw you two remember? I saw you happy Aaron and I want that.”

“In prison?” Aaron’s voice breaks slightly. 

Adam sighs. “After. Fresh start.” He says. “My mum thinks signing over a chunk of the farm is going to help things.”

Aaron raises an eyebrow. “Shows she believes in you.” He says. “Don’t it?”

“I told her about Robert, what happened. She still offered a share.” Aaron shuffles on his feet and thinks about how lucky Adam is. “I can’t move on before I face up to at least most of what I’ve done.”

Aaron stares at the ground. “Good. Then we leave Ross alone when you’re out. Let him fool around with Donna. No more shit yeah?”

“None.” Adam says. “I promise. I mean it.” 

Aaron believes him. 

—

He has this dream that Robert’s hurt, that he’s dying or something and no one wants to worry him with it all. It makes this thing pulse through his head and eventually he launches from his bed with tears in his eyes. 

It’s this panic, he knows. It’s this not being near him and not having anything to do with him that’s making all of this worse than he thought it would. 

He closes his eyes and remembers how it was when he was in Paris and Robert was here and he couldn’t speak to him. He tries to pretend like it’s the same thing. 

The thought makes him sit up, rub hard and fast at his eyes until they stop leaking. 

“You’re fine.” Aaron whispers the words gently, over and over again before he thinks of Robert hurt again and he’s back to feeling _dread_.

—

He gets a visit two days later and he expects it to be his mum again. He walks in with his head down and this weight on his shoulders mainly because he’s convinced himself that something bad has happened to Robert that no one wants to tell him.  He had a dream that Robert was laying lifeless and his mum was standing in front of him trying to block him from Aaron’s view. It made him wake up with this pain in his head and ache in his stomach.

Now, he’s metres away, he lifts his head up and his eyes widen as he sees who’s standing there.

He looks rough, face pale and eyes sunken like he hasn’t eaten well for a while. There’s stitches over his forehead and a heavy bruise forming. Aaron hates how he didn’t remember as much as he thought he would.

“Robert.”

Aaron’s eyes fall over his face, he suddenly runs a hand over his hair like he’s trying to make himself a little more presentable. He wants to reach out. He moves forward and his arms rise before he realises that there’s other people around. He stops, eyes filled with tears that he has to brush away as quickly as he can. He tries to move forward again before he stops trying. Instead he sits slowly, feels Robert sit down opposite with all this nervousness in him.

Aaron soaks him in for a second, eyes flickering up and down and then up again. Then he looks down at Robert’s hands moving across the table before halting.

“I missed you.” Robert says. He sounds like he’s saying it with all he has. “So much.”

Aaron bites his lip, wants to pull him by the back of the neck and kiss the fuck out of him. But he always wants to hit him. “You didn’t ... you didn’t call.” He leans forward and then back again before staring at Robert’s hands. He wants his hands in Robert’s so desperately, he wants to be able to shove his hand away in anger and then bring it back. “I thought ...”

Robert hides something in his smile. “You always think the worst.” He whispers. “But I’m here. I’m here now aren’t I?”

Aaron tilts his head, knows there’s more to this then Robert will tell him. “Robert.”

Robert bites his lip, almost deflates and lets Aaron see the charm start to seep out. “I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.”

Aaron twitches, suddenly nervous again s his leg skates close to Robert’s under the table. “Why didn’t you?” He asks. It makes Robert looks away, his gaze elsewhere suddenly. “My mum said you were ... well she didn’t say anything. No one said anything and I was worried.”

Robert gulps. “Like I said, I’m fine.”

“So you were just avoiding me?” Aaron squints. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m ...” Robert breathes out deeply. “Just trying not to worry you.”

“I’m a big boy Robert.” Aaron almost regrets how quickly he’s spoken when Robert raises his head at him. “What is it?” 

Robert nods and then breathes in. “Don’t freak out.”

Aaron naturally starts to lose his entire shit. “What?”

Robert rises his hand weakly and shrugs. “Maybe I had some setbacks.” He whispers. “After you left.”

Aaron’s heart drops. “Maybe?”

Robert closes his eyes and shakes his head again. “I was fine. I was fine one minute and the next — I wasn’t. They said I sort of reacted funny to something they gave me.” Robert shrugs. “Sort of stopped breathing for a bit.”

“You stopped ...” Aaron frowns. “_Breathing_? You stopped fu—" He stops himself and then his knee is pounding against the table. 

“Just for a few minutes.”

Aaron’s eyes widen and he has a hand against his face for a second. He breathes in and then out again until Robert is telling him to calm down.

“Calm down?” Aaron hisses. “You ... you could have died. Again. Are you ... OK now?” He almost wants to cross his fingers, start praying but Robert just nods his head slowly. 

“Getting there.”

Aaron’s eyes instantly fill with tears again and his hands shake under the table. “What’s that mean?”

Robert closes his eyes. “Means that this is the first time I’ve left the house since I came out.” 

Aaron feels this softening run through him and he dips his head gently. He wasn’t ignoring him, he wasn’t doubting them. Somehow this is better and he’s stupid for it but it makes sense to him. “You should be getting better. Not seeing me in here.”

Robert gives him this weak smile. “Maybe you’ll make me better.” He brings a hand over his stomach and leans up slightly like he’s fighting something. “I didn’t want you to know how bad I was. I didn’t want you having to worry about me in here on top of everything else. It’s not fair.”

Aaron’s chin goes. “You’ve been dealing with ... what was wrong? Exactly. I want to know exactly what was wrong.” He thinks he sounds like his mum but he can’t bring himself to care.

“I took a while to come to. When I did I was ... confused, I tried getting up again and I ... I couldn’t stop shaking. Then I had seizure. Just a small one.”  


Aaron feels his heart thud in his face.  


“A seizure? Oh my ...”

”But I was OK. They thought I might have something really wrong with my brain. But they did scans, they did scans and it was fine. I’m fine.” 

“I seizure don’t sound like you’re fine.” Aaron breathes deeply. “Sounds like it’s serious.” He has his eyes filling with tears and then he wipes them away again. “Sounds like ...” He closes his eyes. “From the way you hit your head?”

Robert shrugs. “They don’t know. Dehydration maybe?”

”Well it’s their fucking job to know ain’t it?”   
  
Robert frowns. “Hey. They think it was just a one off. Having my head whacked against the floor didn’t help but ...”

Aaron runs a hand over his face again. “I’m so sorry.”

”Shut up. This ain’t down to you. At all.” Robert frowns gently. “No way.”

”You're messed up ‘cause of _me_.”

Robert sighs. “Cheers.”

”You know what I mean.” Aaron breathes in. 

Robert smiles again. “I’m telling you I’m OK because I am. They did all the tests Aaron.”

“But you were ill when you got home.”

“Because I was just drained from it all. That’s ... that’s it. I felt so guilty not being able to come here.”

“Shut up about that.” Aaron shakes his head and leans forward, wants to hold Robert’s hand and tell him it doesn’t matter now.  


“I just didn’t want you worried.”

“You told everyone to just not tell me. Did you not think I’d notice you not being here?”

Robert doesn’t have an answer, he sighs deeply. “I don’t know Aaron. I just didn’t want to make anything worse.”

Aaron frowns. “You make it all better.” He blurts it out without even processing what he’s trying to say. When he looks up, Robert seems brighter for it. He soaks it even before he realises how he felt only a few hours ago. “Thought you’d changed your mind about me.”

“What?” Robert looks like he’s in too much pain to be throwing his weight around and yet he comes forward with this look on his face like he can’t quite believe what he’s hearing. “Aaron, I haven’t. I just didn’t want to tip you over the edge, worry you. That’s all.”

Aaron realises he has tears in his eyes and wipes them away before scoffing. “I could say the same thing, being stuck in here.”

Robert sobers. “You’re getting trouble?” He looks around the room and Aaron shakes his head. Robert leans away though, sits in some different way. 

“Is that supposed to make them think you don’t like dicks?” 

Robert laughs and it’s like everything is alright for a second or two. It travels through him like a lightning bolt and there’s a light that won’t turn off with him here. 

Aaron thinks of a darkness he’s had to endure for a long time. He thinks of the fact that it hasn’t really ever felt like too much of a burden but just the way things are. Now things are different, things can be better. The darkness is something he doesn’t want to have to ever become used to again.

“I thought of you everyday.” Robert blurts out, a minute later and this gentleness about him that stirs in Aaron’s chest. “About what could happen, you in here, alone. You could get ...”

“I know.” Aaron leans forward and then suddenly realises that Robert _doesn’t_ know about the change in sentencing. “But it’ll be OK.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Adam. He confessed.”

Robert’s face is a picture Aaron wants to frame on most days, save as his lock screen on others. “He did what?”

“Confessed, as in ... I’m not being charged with arson anymore. They dropped the charges.” Aaron has a smile on his face and it’s actually genuine. It pours between them for what feels like forever before Robert wipes at his face. 

“So it could ... you’re ...”

Aaron leans over. “My solicitor’s trying to get the best possible situation obviously.”

“What like a suspended sentence? A tag? What?” Robert leans forward and then clears his throat, has to sit straighter and calm himself down. “Sorry.”

Aaron frowns at him, feels this worry everywhere again. “You’re not 100%”

Robert doesn’t bother denying it. Aaron sits wondering how weak he’s been, how he’s struggled. “Don’t care. My boyfriend might not spend years rotting in prison.” 

Aaron closes his eyes for the smallest of seconds, savours the words. “Haven’t said that before.” Robert feigns confusion. “Boyfriend.” He whispers the words as he looks around him and then leans back again.

He’s sure he’s given the game away by now and he’s petrified of what could happen but at the same time he can’t bring himself to care about it when Robert is right in front of him. 

“You’re right. You didn’t actually ask me.” Robert crosses his arms over and pulls this face that makes Aaron laugh. “So you’re still just after my body then?” 

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he has this smile hanging on his face that he doesn’t think is going to budge. 

“When you get out of here, we’ll have that date you owe me.”

“I owe you?”

Robert nods. “I do remember you saying that when I was ...”

“High on drugs mate. You had no idea what I was on about.” Aaron folds his arms over and forgets the way the stupid bib itches him when he positions his arms a certain way. 

Robert’s smile is heavy and honest and Aaron can only stare. 

“Yeah. We’ll have that date.” Aaron whispers. “I’ll wine and dine you. First time for everything and all that.”

Robert nods, his eyes dragging over Aaron’s body. “Then we jump to dessert.” He winks, actually winks and Aaron lowers his head and shakes it. “What? Don’t know about you but I’m suffering without you.”

“My body you mean.” Aaron bites his lip and wants to yank Robert over the table again, drag him to his cell and find some release. “I look like shit.” He runs a hand over his face in embarrassment. 

“Yeah right.” Robert says. “You’re beautiful.”

Aaron snaps his neck up and Robert just continues to be this massive surprise. “No one’s ever called me that before.” He feels like he’s falling even harder and he didn’t know it was possible.

Robert dips his head. “Well you are.” He whispers.

“I miss you.” Aaron says, his foot sliding up Robert’s before he hangs back as a guard passes. 

Robert nods. “I miss you too. But you’ll get out soon, they won’t keep you in here for a shitty ...”

“Don’t get your hopes up.” Aaron wants to ease any positivity Robert might have, then he wants to crush it with his bare hands when Robert smiles at him and says it’ll be OK.

“Will you?”

Robert frowns at him.

“I need you to take it easy.”

“It’s all I have been doing. You know how much I know about the best tractors for wet seasons?” Robert rolls his eyes like it’s all unbearable. “It’s all Andy speaks about.”

“At least you’re getting along.” Aaron smiles. “He knows I rang yours you know. He picked up the phone. He didn’t tell me you were so ...”

“I told him not to. I said I don’t want you knowing.”

Aaron rolls his eyes.

“He says you must care about me.”

Aaron raises an eyebrow. “Good thing we’ve got his seal of approval innit?” 

Robert pales. “Didn’t think I would.”

Aaron wants to reach out again. “Hey. He seemed fine.”

Robert shrugs. “I just didn’t expect him to ...” He sticks his head down. 

“Hey. Look at me.” Robert’s head swings a little. “Rob.” Robert’s head rises slowly. “He ain’t your dad.” Robert’s chin wobbles a little. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Robert wipes at his face, stares at Aaron for a second. “You don’t have to be worried about me. I’ll be OK. Just like you keep saying you will yeah?”

Aaron nods. Then the buzzer goes and he closes his eyes hard, runs a hand over his face to stop Robert seeing how sad he is that he has to go.

“I’ll come back. I promise you.”

Aaron’s chin goes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. You’re not getting rid of me.” Robert promises with just his eyes and Aaron really loves him.


	28. Be honest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron confronts Robert about his fears for the future and is scared by his reaction before he faces a surprising visitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo, this is definitely the longest chapter I think. A lot happens. It’s a bit of a rollercoaster one. 
> 
> (Again. Me. Prisons. I have no concrete idea so go with the flow of the pretend-ness)

  
The heavy soft feeling in his heart doesn’t say for long when he’s playing pool and being stared at by some twat across from him. He sort of looks like he’s confused by him, or disgusted. It’s the not knowing what that makes Aaron puff out his chest and stare back.

The bloke comes over eventually, says his name is Maz before asking why Aaron’s playing alone.

“I’m in here for cannibalism.” Aaron keeps his head firmly down and then the bloke is sort of still stood there when he looks up again.

“Like eating ...”

“Is there something you wanted?”

Maz nods feebly. “You gay?” Aaron freezes around the question and then he’s shoving Max against the wall so that everyone can see. 

“What sort of question is that?” There’s this thudding in his chest and Maz just keeps shaking his head over and over again and saying he’s sorry.

Eventually Aaron pushes off of him, thinks of Robert seeing him like this and it brings him some sort of calm.

—

“He could have died.” Aaron says, his voice is harsh on purpose and his mum flaps about with an answer. “Why didn’t you just _say_?”

“Say what? I didn’t know the ins and outs. I knew he had a seizure ...”

“Oh. Just that then.”

He can hear his mum let out this nervous sigh. “But I also knew he was on the mend. I wasn’t risking telling you and ... and you hurting yourself.”

It seems to always come back to this. The thought swirls around in his mind and he almost cowers against memories

“I don’t do that anymore.”

“Yeah well I know you can’t just promise that. It’s not fair. I couldn’t risk you worrying yourself in there over Robert being ill.” Chas says. “Not when I knew he was going to be _fine_.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Yeah well I did worry.” His eyes turn glassy. “That he didn’t want me anymore, that he’d changed his mind and not bothered.”

“I told you he hadn’t. So did Adam didn’t he? And Robert’s brother? We all did.”

“Yeah not _him_ through.” Aaron breathes in. “Don’t keep stuff from me. I can’t handle it.”

His mum is his mum and he knows he isn’t going to change her when she starts up again. “Well I couldn’t handle the thought of you thinking Robert was out here dying or something. I don’t even know why he told you.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Because I thought he didn’t want me anymore and like a normal person, I asked where he’d been. He didn’t lie.”

“I didn’t want to lie to you.” Chas snaps. “You’re my baby. You know that.”

Aaron tips his head up. “I know that. Just don’t treat me like one all the time yeah.” It’s weird how he already knows that when he gets out, he’s going to be different. He feels like he’s aged ten years since moving to Paris and he knows his mum has to get her head around that sooner or later. He’s hoping it’s sooner. 

—

The sky is a murky grey colour, clouds heavy and dark. It’s probably going to piss down and everyone will end up losing their shit over it all. The thought makes him roll his eyes hard. It doesn’t go away until he’s got Maz right next to him looking all sheepish.

He’s avoided him on purpose; doesn’t know how many ways he can explain that he isn’t interested in causing any issues or getting into bother. 

He goes to speak when Maz steps forward.

“I didn’t mean to cause anything, like offend.” Maz is short, not embarrassingly, but Aaron stands taller than he does as he stares. “I just.” He stops talking.

Aaron eyes him up. “You trying it on then?” It’s a joke.

Maz pulls a face. “What? No. Not my type.” Aaron’s sort of blown away by how easy Maz is making it all. He doesn’t seem to give a shit about what Aaron could think about him. It’s what Aaron’s tried conveying to Robert up until now. “Like _at all_ ...”

Aaron frowns at him and twists his foot into the ground. “Then what?”

Aaron leans against the wall and doesn’t speak for ages. “Just nice to ... I don’t know what I thought. Saw you with that bloke on visiting day and you seemed ...”

Aaron shrugs. “Gay?”

“Yeah.” 

Aaron thinks about the way he probably was looking at Robert, the way it was like they were trapped in this bubble no one could dare pop. 

“In the happy way n’all.”

Aaron almost laughs and then kicks the ground. He hesitates in what he wants to say by looking around and then forward again. “He’s my boyfriend.” It feels so scary to say out loud in a place like this. The fear almost takes over until Maz lets out this easy nod like it doesn’t even matter.

“How long?”

Aaron’s frozen for a second under Maz’ approach to this. Eventually he shrugs. “Couple months.” Maz frowns. “What?”

“Looked like longer.”

Aaron’s shoulders relax under the way he can speak about him. “Feels like longer. In like a good way.” He shrugs again and then bites his lip. Maz nods at him and he edges away slightly, almost preempting the bit where Maz nods to a group and they jump him. 

The moment doesn’t seem to come. 

“Sound.” Maz says. He stares at the ground for a second and then kicks it like Aaron did. It gives Aaron a second to take a look at the guy’s buzz cut and almost constantly black eyes. He’s clearly younger, probably robbed some old ladies handbag. “I get it. Not wanting to be out in here.” 

Aaron nods tightly before looking around again.

Maz sighs. “Different from outside. You can both be true to yourself or whatever shit they say.”

Aaron thinks of how Robert still isn’t and it hits like a wave when he didn’t even know he was near the water. He almost feels dizzy thinking against how he hasn’t allowed himself to contemplate Robert keeping them secret. 

“Not have to hide it. Or you know ...”

“Yeah.” Aaron nods. “Yeah I know.” He tries asking Maz some questions, he actually listens to a couple of answers before he completely shuts off against facts he can’t control. 

—

He’s kissing Robert, there’s this emptiness in his lungs because of how much he’s enjoying himself. Then there’s this push to his chest and he’s against hay, tousling as he falls and watches Robert move desperately towards the front of what he thinks is a barn. 

He hears him speaking quickly. He’s saying that he’s working, that he’s busy and then he’s coming back inside and saying sorry. 

Aaron hears himself speaking. “Again. Why can’t we be out of here? We can go to the pub.”

Robert frowns, heavy, shoulders hunched and sad. “Have you seen the shrine they’ve got to him in there?” He closes his eyes and Aaron sees himself staring at him. There’s the darkness between them. “Picture of him as soon as I walk in. No. No we’re fine in here.”

“Hiding in here.” Aaron sounds thunderous and he wants to tell himself to stop. He stands, wipes at his eyes and tries to leave but Robert pulls him back. “I don’t want to hide anymore. I can’t. It’s been long enough.”

Robert’s face, it’s all Aaron sees now and it crushes him completely. He has a hand against his chest and he keeps shaking his head. “You hate me.”

Aaron’s chin wobbles, he watches, eyes wide. “I hate this.”

“Us?”

“Hiding us. I don’t want to be your secret anymore.” He pushes past, head banging and Aaron watches himself do it. He watches himself leave the barn and start running. 

“You hate me.” Robert whispers it but Aaron can hear him. He turns around, stops dead and tries to speak but nothing comes out. 

Aaron thinks, heart twisting painfully. He couldn’t ever hate Robert. He couldn’t do that.

There’s suddenly this banging and he rises on his bed, wipes at his face as a guard tells him to get his breakfast before there’s none left. 

—

The thoughts play on his mind until he’s seeing Robert a few days later. He looks better, he’s got this beaten up leather jacket on and Aaron sort of stares at him for a few seconds.

“You look ...” Aaron wants to slam him against the table again. He shuffles on his feet and then Robert’s smirking.

“Is a compliment coming? It’d be a lie. I look like death warmed ...”

“Don’t even joke.” Aaron says firmly, and then he leans over and back again when someone walks past them. “You look more like you.” He has his arms folded and smiles. “Maybe all the Yorkshire air is doing you good.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “All the shit and hay? Forgot what it was like on that farm.”

“Andy?”

Robert shakes his head. “Vic thinks she has to do everything. You know, be a little housewife for us and I hate it. She’s too young for all that. I should be helping more but I’m ...” He stops himself suddenly.

“You’re what?”

Robert shrugs, reddens. “It’s a surprise.”

Aaron leans forward. “Tell me then?”

“Don’t you know what the definition of a surprise is?” 

He doesn’t. It’s why he’s leaning over even more and when his hand touches Robert, he feels him pull back altogether. 

Aaron looks up and sees Maz across the room. He’s engrossed in telling his mate this story but Aaron remembers what he said the other day and it sticks hard in his mind. 

“You can touch me you know.” Aaron puts his head down and almost can’t bring himself to state the obvious.

Robert stays silent for a second. “What?”

Aaron wants to say something like forget it but then he crouches closer instead. “You’re not allowed to shove your hand down my trousers but they’re not going to drag you out over brushing my hand with yours.”

Robert senses it, tilts his head up with these big round eyes like he doesn’t know what to say. “Aaron, I don’t want to cause you any trouble.”

Aaron nods. “It’s not just in here though is it?” He swallows hard and then breathes in. “You're not ready for that.”

Robert’s body shifts on the chair. “What’s that meant to mean?”

“You know what it means.” Aaron says, voice heavy and sudden. “You’re not out Robert.”

Robert’s voice lowers and he stiffens at the shoulders like it’s hard for him to breathe. “Didn’t realise that was a condition to being with you.”

Aaron tuts, feels this rushing dread hit him over the head. “I’m not trying to force you. I’m ... I’m just scared.” It wasn’t meant to come out like that. It’s too honest. 

“Of _what_?” 

“You not being ready.” Robert rolls his eyes. “Rob, I want to be with you so badly. I do. You know that.” Robert stares at him. “But the truth is ...”

“The truth is my sister just lost her dad. I own half a farm that brings back _shit_ memories and to top it all off my brother still secretly _hates_ me.” 

“I thought you said it was better.” Aaron says. 

“He still speaks about dad like he didn’t hate me. He’s chosen to forget all the stuff I said about dad not liking the fact that I — and now I just have to put with it.” Robert’s head sways again and then he runs a hand over his face. “Thought you got that?”

Aaron instantly feels like absolute shit for pushing this. “I do. But. Vic.” Aaron folds his arms over. “She’d be happy for ya.” 

Robert shakes his head. “I know.” He says, but it comes out bitter and dishonest. 

Aaron tries not pushing and then gives in as he thinks about a future he wants. “I want to be able to hold your hand and not worry you’re going to run if someone sees us.”

Robert jumps in, eyes wide. “I didn’t in Paris.”

“You were _no one _in Paris.” Aaron shrugs and then he watches Robert’s eyes flicker. “I could kiss Jackson outside a gay club and then as soon as he was in the village I freaked.” He closes his eyes. “I punched him ‘cause I was —“

“So now you think I’ll punch ya?”

Aaron tilts his head back. “No. No. I’m saying —“ Robert just gives him this look. “What?” 

“You’re sitting there making out like you don’t know me, that I’m not serious, but I’m not the one just casually telling me he punched his ex boyfriend.” Robert stops short when he sees the look on Aaron’s face. “I’m sorry.”

Aaron deflates a little, tries to look more serious suddenly as he leans forward. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m just saying that you’re not out are you? I’m saying I’m stuck in here thinking about our future and —“

Robert closes his eyes. “When have I ever — I said I want to go on a date.” He frowns and then leans forward. “Why are you acting — I don’t want to have to talk about this.”

He stops speaking, leans back again and closes his eyes. 

“Until when? I’m out and you’re off to shag me in that barn without anyone notici—“

Robert just gives him this look. “Why are you doing this?”

“Being realistic?”

“_Ruining_ things.” 

Aaron’s eyes skirt across to Maz again and he wonders if he should have just kept his mouth shut instead of going through all this grief. He looks up at Robert and sees that he’s spun round to look at Maz. 

“Who’s he?”

Aaron frowns. “Who?”

“That bloke.” Robert almost points and Aaron wants to wallop him. 

Aaron bites his lip, leans closer. “He’s just someone. He’s ... he’s gay, out and ...”

Robert’s jaw clenches. “I see.”

Aaron blinks. “You see what?” Robert doesn’t say anything, just shakes his head and Aaron’s heart thumps with understanding. “You think I’m shagging him or something?” 

Robert’s face changes colour, he’s pale and yet at the same time there’s this flush to his cheeks. “I didn’t say —“

“You thought.” Aaron’s head dips and he runs a hand through his hair, he holds tight against the way it curls and then lets go slowly. “You fucking thought.”

“You’re trying to read my mind.”

“I’m _losing_ mine in here.” Aaron hisses. His eyes fill with tears and he frowns before deciding that he can’t let Robert see him like this. “I’m scared of us not working when we get out.”

Robert’s foot moves closer to his. “Well we will.” He pushes the words out. “I don’t get how you can doubt —“

Aaron’s face falls against it and he wipes a hand over his nose. “I’m being honest.” He pushes the words out as fast as he can. 

“And I’m not?” Robert leans closer. “You know how I feel. You know I ... know that you’ve got me. _All_ of me.”

Aaron shakes his head. “I’m a secret. I’m _your_ secret and — you’re not mine. Everyone knows about you. But what happens when I get out Robert? When you’re not ready to ... _that’s_ how much I’ve _got_ you.”

It comes across crueller than he anticipated because Robert’s eyes are red suddenly and he keeps shaking his head. He sniffs eventually and then says, “I think I should go.” 

Aaron frowns. “No. Wait. I’m just ...”

“Being honest. I heard.” Robert stands up and Aaron doesn’t want to cause a scene so he shoves his head down and acts like this isn’t breaking him. “I was going to tell her tonight. Sit her down and explain why I’ve been the way I have. But maybe there’s no point.” 

Aaron looks up sharply and goes to speak before Robert is shaking his head at him and leaving. Aaron watches him, this ache hitting his chest and staying put. He runs a hand through his hair whilst everyone else speaks to their visitors and then he kicks the chair, pulls him up and gets himself taken back inside.

Maz offers him this sad sort of smile and Aaron can only nod out something.

—

He refuses to cry. He just sticks his head up towards the ceiling and feels his chin wobble for hours. Eventually he slides off his bed and starts using his leisure time again.

It’s been three days since the visit and Maz gives this gentle look. He has his hands stuck in his jeans and only comes closer when Aaron doesn’t bark. 

“You left your little den then?”

“The cell.” Aaron sits on one of the chairs, stairs at nothing when Maz sits next to him. 

“It didn’t go well?” Maz says. Aaron looks at him. “The visit. Was that —“

Aaron nods tightly. “I pushed him, I said this stuff.” He imagines what it would have been like the other way around, if he wasn’t out to his mum, to Adam, and suddenly it was being forced down his throat. “I just wanted to tell him I was scared, I wanted to —“

Maz frowns. “What?”

Aaron scowls at him. “I had your stupidness in my head about us being able to be together when I’m released. He’s not out to his sister, he’s had the _worst_ year and I’ve just —“

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Maz elbows and Aaron sighs hard. “Have you spoke to him?”

Aaron’s chin wobbles. “To hear him say I’m not worth the hassle.”

“He wouldn’t say that.”

Aaron stands. “You don’t even know him.”

“No.” Maz shrugs. “But I saw you two before all the whispered shouting started.” He stands and shrugs again and Aaron realises it’s his favourite thing to do. “Just ride this out OK? Then when you’re out of here you can make it right.”

“How?”

Maz sighs. “Listening to him, being patient, being there. That’s all I suppose.”

He makes it sound so easy, Aaron wants to believe him. “I shouldn’t have said anything.” He throws his head down and then sighs. “I’m an idiot.”

“You just care that’s all. So does he. So you’ll sort it.” Maz nods at him like he really is certain about it and Aaron manages to nod out an answer.

—

“Cheer up.” Maz pulls this face as they get to their visiting room days later. He’s spoken to his mum on the phone and she’s taking up all his call time. Adam’s supposed to be visiting today and he suddenly understands that he needs him more than he realised.

He’s missed him, missed the way they used to be and although he knows they won’t be like they were before, it’s a start of something. Maybe they’re both grown up enough to not be idiots anymore. 

“What for?” Aaron scratches his arm as they all pile in into the room.

“Fit bird. Maybe everyone’ll stop thinking you’re ...”

Aaron just frowns at him, confused, until he sees who’s sitting opposite him at his table.

“Vic?”

Aaron hasn’t seen her properly in years. Like head on, staring right at her, her staring back. She looks older, and that makes sense but doesn’t at the exact same time for some strange reason.

He just smiles for a second and then sees how nervous she looks at seeing him. She’s playing with her hands all nervously and tucking her hair behind her ears. He didn’t realise she was blond now but it suits her, makes her look more like Robert.

And he’s back to thinking of him just like that.

“I didn’t ... expect to see you.”

Vic nods carefully, like she’s going to start reading from a script. “Yeah well. Me either.”

“But?”

Vic itches her eyebrow. “I saw your mum. To say thanks for catering my dad’s ... funeral. Saw some bloke, Adam? He gave me his visiting pass.”

Aaron doesn’t really say anything for a second. “Why would he ...”

Vic looks nervous suddenly and then smiles. “Because I told him I knew about you and my brother.”

Aaron tries not to react but his insides feel like they’re burning with something. He supposes it’s fear and pride for Robert all mixed together and sticking everywhere. 

“Knew what?” Aaron shrugs.

“You don’t have to try and protect him. He told me about you.” Vic’s still smiling. “Aaron and my _brother_.” She leans back and then shakes her head. “Sort of hard to get my head around.”

Aaron gives her this sheepish look. 

“I’m not mad.”

“You’re not ...” Aaron doesn’t know what he’s he’s trying to say. It just comes out jumbled and makes Vic laugh. “Right.”

Vic shrugs. “Explains a lot.”

“Like what?”

Vic huffs. “Dad dying destroyed all of us but … there was something else. He told me there was someone in France he couldn’t get out of his head.” Aaron’s head dips down against a reddening in his cheeks. “I left it, ‘cause he went, and then he came back even sadder. He said he couldn’t be with her.” Aaron’s face falls. “But last week, he told me it wasn’t some girl. He told me it was you.” 

Aaron doesn’t know where to look. He blushes bright red and she notices, calls him out on it. “I’m not.”

“You are. You look even more shy about it than he did.”

Aaron shrugs again. “It’s ‘cause it’s you. Didn’t think I’d be loving your brother when we were kids. And no I don’t mean Andy ... what?”

Vic’s eyes are wide and alert with shock. “You actually love him?”

Aaron stares, wonders if he should be honest or pretend. She tilts her head and he nods. “Yeah. A lot.” She looks like she’s going to cry. “Vic ...”

“He said he felt the same, I just didn’t ... I wanted to be sure you weren’t messing him around.”

He supposes he has done in the past, giving half of himself because he was petrified of falling hard for Robert. He remembers the arguments, Robert confused and sad over whatever Aaron was telling him they were.

“He said you’d come to the hospital when he was hurt, nearly died. He said you were there even though you were meant to be —“

“On the run. Yeah.” Aaron rolls his eyes. “Sort of made me changed plans there.”

Vic bites her lip, gives this knowing look.

“What?”

“Well you changed his too. He told me you changed everything without even meaning to.”

Aaron blinks. “I didn’t know I’d ... we both were lost when we met.” Vic seems troubled by it but she doesn’t say anything. She just nods gently. “I didn’t want anything from him. It wasn’t like that.”

“Hey. I didn’t say it was.” Vic says, leans over a little.

Aaron’s shoulders relax. “Sorry. It’s just. Well it’s not been long, me and him, you know ... so it’s probably what everyone thinks. That we were _at_ it or something. We were mates, I cared about him before anything else Vic.”

Vic crosses her arms over. “You don’t have to convince me.” She shrugs. “Robert’s gone and done that enough for both of you. Banging on about how he was at his lowest and then you came along and made things better.”

Aaron twists his lip, allows himself to smile before realising where he is again. “He made things better for me.”

Vic looks curious suddenly. “Alone in Paris couldn’t have been ...”

“Fun? It was for a bit.” Aaron thinks of partying and booze and bed hopping because Ed was in the past and he was free to do what he liked. “Then it was boring. Boring and lonely.” Vic looks at him in this way he never wants his mum to. He almost shuts up about it all before he realises that she’s a friend and he can be like this with her. “Until Robert bumped into me.”

Vic smiles again. 

“Look I don’t know much how I would have helped him.”

Vic frowns. “You were there when he found out about our dad.” She holds in something Aaron doesn’t want to poke. “He wasn’t alone like we thought he was.”

Aaron dips his head. “He was at mine.”

“You just took him in.” It’s almost a question and Aaron finds himself nodding.

“I don’t know how much he’s told ya but he was ... well he was sort of squatting in the hotel I worked out.”

Vic rolls her eyes. “Oh he’s told me about that, how he thought he’d charm you by stealing biscuits.”

Aaron warms at the memory. “He didn’t have to try.” He shrugs and then feels his face reddening. “We just ... clicked.” He shrugs again and then his knee starts bounces. “I wanted to tell him.”

Vic’s eyes widen. “I don’t know how you’d even start with all that.” She says, scratching at her eyebrow before folding her arms over. “Must have been difficult.”

“It was yeah.” Aaron sighs. “I didn’t know he’d be staying put. He was moving in and I was kidding myself that we were just — that I wasn’t —“ He doesn’t know whether he’s ever going to be able to express how much he feels for Robert. He closes his eyes and sighs. “I was just scared he’d hate me.”

Vic sighs. “Well now he thinks you hate him.” Aaron looks up. “That he might have gone and ruined it.”

Aaron scowls almost instantly. “What? Why?”

“Because he didn’t tell me sooner. I don’t know.” Vic’s probably not going to know the extent of it all because Robert won’t tell her about what Jack did, but she seems to understand he’ll take that.

Aaron closes his eyes. “We has this row.” He tilts his head. “I pushed him Vic.” He closes his eyes. “I pushed him and I didn’t want to.”

Vic frowns. “He doesn’t blame ya.”

“Well I do.” Aaron tilts his head up at her and nods. “I blame myself, I shouldn’t have pressured him.”

Vic sighs, leans over towards him. She’s got this yellow jumper on, detailed at the shoulders and Aaron tries focusing in on it so that she can’t see how emotional he is. “He said he was ready. He said he wanted to move on from what was holding him back.” 

Aaron breathes out deeply.

“I don’t know what that was exactly but clearly it was enough to make him never speak to me about it. He should have been able to.” Aaron’s suddenly so glad Robert has her.

“Hey. You’re there for him now, that’s all that counts.” Aaron says, nods his head a little gentler. He hears himself speak and he’s reminded of how he used to speak to her when they were kids. He used to tug her hair and call her a cow and then be stealing sweets from Bob’s and walking all the way out his village and to his just to give them to her. He wanted them to be mates, he wanted someone to be his mate, and she was a good one. She still is, sitting here now trying to make him feel better about how he’s messed up his life.

Vic gulps. “I just wanted to relay the message.” She smiles. “That he wants to think about the future, with you in it.”

Aaron turns red again, tilts his head. “Moving on with me in here.” He sighs. “It’s not what I wanted for us.” He twists his lip. “I thought for a second that ...”

“That what?”

“You and Andy would tell him to stay clear of me.”

Vic almost looks stunned. 

“What?” Aaron shrugs. “You know what I was like when we were kids, Andy definitely does.”

“A little loud mouth thief, not someone Robert should stay clear from.” Aaron gives her this look and he tries to communicate what he’s thinking about without saying anything. “Oh.” She gulps hard and runs a hand through his hair. “I heard about Jackson yeah.” By then he’d sacked off school, she was still in collage and although a gay best friend was something she liked at first, they grew apart. Adam came to the village and he hardly went to hers anymore. He remembers it, the distance, Jackson and Adam and being settled in this strange way. “I’m _sorry_ about Jackson.”

Aaron closes his eyes for a second before opening them and nodding. He remembers how sorry everyone was that he was dead and how Jackson would have laughed at them. He wanted to be dead and there wasn’t anything sad about it for him outside the sadness it would cause everyone else. 

“I don’t think of you any differently.” Vic says. “If that’s what you’re thinking.”

He’s not even sure what he’s thinking. He just feels like there’s a million reasons for him to be so unsuitable for Robert. 

“I take it Robert ...”

“He knows yeah.” Aaron bites at his thumbnail nervously and then pulls back again. “Anyway. I ... does he know you’re here?”

Vic shakes her head. “I’m in town doing girly things like shopping.” She shrugs. “Thought he’d think I’m being embarrassing.” 

Aaron breathes out a smiles. “You’re not. You’re looking out for him. Is he actually better or is he lying to me?” He has to ask.

Vic nods tightly. “He’s better. They really thought the seizure was a one off. He’s not been showing any signs of it again. I’ve been watching.” 

Aaron twists his lip. “I should be doing that.”

Vic frowns. “You’re not his career.” She almost laughs and then her eyes are wider suddenly. “I didn’t mean ... I ...”

Aaron feels his cheeks flush again and then breathes deeply. “Hey don’t worry about it.” He thinks for a second. “It’s not like that, I just care about him so much.”

“I know. It’s obvious.” Vic smiles. “He cars too, needs you too. All that romantic soppy crap.”

Aaron smiles faintly. “He’ll need you when I’m ... stuck in here.” 

“You could get out in a few months.”

Aaron nods. “Yeah. Or less, suspended sentence. But I could get more.” He shrugs. “Depends.” He runs a hand over his face. “I don’t want him waiting around for me though Vic.”

Vic frowns. “Don’t think he’d see it like that. Not now he’s told me. He won’t shut up about you.”

Aaron gulps hard, warms. “Should bear me speaking to my mum or Adam, I’m the same. Annoyingly.”

Vic looks like he didn’t need to say anything, she folds her arms over and smirks. “You’re forgetting I used to know you quite a lot, the mention of his name got you looking all soft. I know how you feel.”

Aaron breathes easy. 

“It’s going to be OK.” Vic says. “Don’t worry.” 

Aaron scoffs. “Seems to be all I do.” He says. “But you’re looking out for Robert?” 

“Of course I am.” Vic says before she leans in and smiles reassuringly. “So focus on yourself yeah?” 

Aaron nods tightly before smiling back at her.

—

He calls Robert when he can. It feels like there’s nothing else he can do but hold onto the phone and wish for him to answer. He does eventually, there’s this silence until he hears him. 

“Aaron.”

“It’s good to hear your voice.” Robert sounds gentle and Aaron has to clear his eyes and savour it all. “So good.”

“Is it?” Robert sounds worried. “I didn’t know whether you’d ...”

“I’ve been going mad. I didn’t mean to — I hate fighting with you.” Aaron feels like this honesty is rushing out of him and he doesn’t know how to hold back. “I thought you’d think we’re not worth ...”

“I shouldn’t have let you think that. Aaron, I was just angry. Frustrated with myself and you ... it was like you got into my head and made me think about things I wasn’t ready to.”

Aaron closes his eyes hard, squeezes. “I didn’t want to scare you, I didn’t ... I don’t know what I was doing. I just had all these _things_ in my head.”

“So did I. Hence all the shouting.” Robert stays silent for a second and Aaron stares at the guards staring right at him. He turns himself a little. 

“It’s mad in here OK, I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

Robert breathes out deeply. “I shouldn’t have just ran off. I was scared. You were saying all this stuff I didn’t want to face.”

Aaron shudders. “I’ve been there. I know how that feels. I was just so focused on getting you through it that I didn’t — I know how hard it must be for you, there. After everything.”

Robert doesn’t say anything for a second, then breathes out. “It’s made me more worried, scared.” Aaron wants to hug him, wrap his arms tight until there’s nothing but ease to Robert. “Just thinking about what he’d be thinking.”

“Rob ...”

“But I have now.”

Aaron bites his lip, almost smiles. “I know.” He says. “Vic came to see me.”

“She did _what_?”

Aaron nods like Robert can see him. “She came and said you’d come out to her. Told her about me.” He settles his head back against the wall. “I didn’t want to push ya. Robert, that’s — I would have waited.” He knows that dream wasn’t real. “You’ve waited for me haven’t you?”

”That’s ... different. I guess.”

”It’s not. I was ... selfish.”

“I was ready. I just didn’t know how to do it, get the words out. I was scared. But I don’t want to be scared. I want ... I want you more.” 

Aaron understands fear, and pain, and this deep set in misery that doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. He gets all of it, he’s been there. But he’s also had that moment where someone has meant more than all of the scariness.

Aaron closes his eyes gently. “Yeah?”

“Yes. You idiot.”

“I’m sorry.” Aaron bites his lip. “For pushing.”

“I know. I’m sorry for ... getting all stupid over that bloke.”

Aaron clears his throat. “Maz.”

“Weird name.”

Aaron smiles. “He’s a weird guy. Decent though. First guy in here that I don’t actually want to thump over the head.” 

“A friend then. Beats Adam.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Leave off.” He says before sighing, trying not to laugh. “Have you seen him or anything? He gave Vic his pass.”

Robert is quiet. “No. Nothing. I mean I’d grab him a pint if things were different but we all know why you’re in there in the first place, why I was in hospital n’all.”

Aaron gulps. “Yeah. I know. He’s sorting himself out though. He is.”

“Good. Finally.” Robert sighs. “Anyways, enough about him, what you wearing?”

“Are you trying to ...” Aaron’s face is bright red. 

“What? I miss you.”

Aaron sighs. “I miss you too. But unfortunately it’s just the same black top with a fashionable blue bib you saw last time.”

“Well I liked the bib.”

Aaron blinks gently. “It’s ridiculous.”

“So are you.”

Aaron feels himself smiling and he can’t control it. “For being stuck in here, yeah I am.”

“Not forever.” Robert sounds determined and Aaron latches onto the feeling. “You’ll be out soon enough.”

Aaron breathes out. “And then what?” There’s this thought ticking over and over in his mind. It reminds him that him and Robert haven’t been anything other than this murky in between. He’s his _boyfriend_ and he loves him almost embarrassingly too much but there’s this navigation of a whole relationship they’ll face when he’s outside these walls.

The thought swirls and crashes over his head gently and then with more drive until his head is against the wall and he’s waiting for Robert to answer.

“Then we be us.” He almost promises.


	29. Finally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron faces his punishment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot. It’s long. Have fun.

  
He gets a phone call the day before the sentencing and it manages to make him ten times more nervous. His solicitor calls to brief him, she says all these big words and stretches possibilities so far that he has to go and ring Robert straight afterwards.

“She’s not doing her a job.” Robert decides. Aaron rolls his eyes a little and then sighs. “Don’t sigh. I’m being serious. She should be reassuring you.”

“She’s being realistic.” Aaron settles himself. “Look, I didn’t ring to worry ya. I just. I wanted to hear your voice.” He whispers, before closing his eyes and playing with the loose skin near his thumb.

“You’re nervous. I know you are.” Robert gulps hard enough for Aaron to hear. “But it’s going to be OK.”

“You keep saying that. But what if it isn’t?”

He thinks of being taken away again and Robert sitting there watching him. He thinks of giving him this tearful smile, telling him that he loves him so much.

“Then I keep visiting. We make it.”

Aaron nods like Robert can see him. “We make it.” He whispers, although the thought seems so difficult to grasp onto right now.

“Look.” Robert says it slowly. “I know I just said all that, but if it doesn’t ... work out the way I thought it would then I don’t think I can see you being taken away like that.”

Aaron’s shoulders relax. “I wouldn’t want you to see that. I couldn’t.”

“You don’t hate me for it?”

“As if.” Aaron’s eyes flicker and he closes his eyes. “I get it. My mum will be there, so will Adam.” He shrugs and then nods his head gently. “It’ll be fine with them there. Whatever happens.”

Robert doesn’t say anything for a second and then Aaron hears something drop. He hears scuffling and then Robert walking around.

“What was that?”

“What was ... what?”

Aaron huffs. “That sound.” He says. “Thought you were taking it easy?”

“I am. I’m — well it’s the surprise so just shut up.”

Aaron almost sees Robert smiling. He can’t stay angry at him over taking it too hard so instead he just sighs and waits until Robert’s finished whatever he’s doing.

“Better be a really good one. M’not settling for anything less than amazing.” Aaron teases, he crosses his arm over his stomach and then sighs as he sees the line for the phone starting to form. “I’ve got to go.”

“Wish you didn’t.”

Aaron closes his eyes. “Tell me about it. I love you.” He whispers it low enough for Robert to hear but for the person behind him to barely make it out. He’s impressed with himself when Robert speaks again.

“I love you. Please, please ring as soon as you can tomorrow.” Robert whispers. “Good or bad. I just need to know.”

“I know. I will.” Aaron doesn’t want to put the phone down, he wants to keep talking about how scared he is and how sad everything will be if there’s more waiting they’ll have to do before they get to be together. He wants to punch a fucking wall when he thinks about Robert wasting away his life for him. But he doesn’t. Instead he puts the phone down and slopes off to his cell to sit and stare at the brick wall painted in this sticky cream colour.

His door is open and Maz walks past with this look on his face like he somehow knows.

“You’re moving out tomorrow right?”

Aaron nods tightly. “Then I might be moving back in again. Different cell. Longer sentence.” His knee bounces and then sighs hard when Maz still hangs by the door.

“You spoke to him? Your boyfriend?”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “Any louder Maz.”

“I’m just saying.” Maz’s shoulders rise and then fall again before he sticks a hand in his pocket. “He coming tomorrow?”

“To see me dragged down some stairs again. I don’t want that for him.” Aaron says. He stares down and then up again. “I can’t do it to him.”

Maz nods. “You’ll get a tag or something.” He says it quickly, like he hasn’t even tried to think. Aaron just shrugs. “Are you always this grumpy?”

Aaron looks up at the ceiling and then down again. “Certainly won’t be missing your analysing.” Maz pulls this face. “But thanks.”

“For doing your head in?”

Aaron shrugs. “For listening.” He gets off the bed and comes towards him. “You keep your head down in here yeah?”

Maz nods slowly. “Yeah.” He says. “Keep your head out there too. With him.” He says, “You must think he’s well worth it.”

Aaron doesn’t know if Maz just talks shit but it manages to make something grow inside of him. He thinks of how he’d know that, if he was so obviously in love that it just shines out of his arse.

“Yeah I do.” 

—

Aaron wakes up with a start when there’s a banging on his foot and some guard telling him he leaves in an hour. He stares up at the ceiling and tries to stop the thumping in his chest as he gets out of bed. 

His solicitor looks pleased to see him and he doesn’t know why.

“You look like you’re going to be sick.”

He looks like shit, his hair sticks awkwardly and he tries to blink out how tired he is. He’s been up all night with this ringing in his ears and this weight heavy in his chest.

“I could get ages.”

“You’re getting off.” His solicitor crosses her arms. “Then Robert’ll makes sure he does the same thing for you.” She pulls this face like she’s disgusted and amused at the exact same time. “He asked me to say that.”

She’s got a personality suddenly, blue blazer suddenly a bit jazzier than he thought. There’s studs on the side, velvet inside. He likes her.

“You think it’ll be OK?” Aaron frowns, bites at his lip.

“I know.” Her stares at her dangly earrings as she nods.

Aaron looks down suddenly. “Robert’s spoke to ya?”

“Tried paying me extra.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and feels guilty suddenly. “He ain’t got anything to be throwing around.”

“I didn’t take it. I don’t need to.” She’s sure of herself, he’ll definitely give her that. “It’s not arson, it’s skipping the country.”

“Minor then?”

She smiles, her shoulder’s loosen. “I have someone on a multiple murder charge who’s looking at never seeing the light of day again. You’re fine Aaron.”

Aaron blows out a breath and nods. 

—

He has a minute with his mum and she’s bought Adam with her. He half expects Robert to be there instead but he understands.

“Don’t you look sharp.” Chas all but squeezes his cheeks before running a hand over Aaron’s arm and sighing. “Not long now yeah? And then you’re out. For good.”

“Or locked up for ages.”

“As if.” Adam says, and Aaron nods at him before hugging him tight. He’s not sure how he can say how grateful he is, a part of him knows he shouldn’t even really be saying anything considering he’d been the one doing Adam the favour. But. He squeezes his arm down over him and feels thankful. “You’ve got this.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re walking out of here mate.” Adam lets go and sighs. “I know it.” Aaron looks at his mum. She’s like some nodding dog. 

“And I’m sure Robert would be here if he could.” She says his name and Aaron instantly feels this thing burst in his stomach. He’s not sure what to say.

“I wouldn’t want him here anyway.” Aaron stops short when he thinks about it. “Him seeing me, you know ... saying goodbye again.”

They’ve already had too many of those. It’s ridiculous really. They’ve been together for only a few months and yet it feels like all he ever does is leave Robert in one way or another.

“No one’s saying goodbye.” Chas says, but then she does when Aaron asks her to give him and Adam a second alone.

“I want you to know that I’m not doing anything stupid again.” Adam says it like a proper idiot and Aaron rolls his eyes. “I’m being serious.”

“Yeah I can tell.” Aaron sighs, plays with his stupid suit and then sits down. “Owning a farm or something now aren’t ya?”

Adam frowns. “Yeah. In competition with your boyfriend’s.”

Aaron sticks his tongue out slightly before smiling. “I’m sure it won’t get in the way." He shrugs and then looks around. “You’ll be here soon. You must be ...”

Adam twitches. “Sort of bricking it yeah. But I deserve it. So.”

Aaron gulps. “That’s what I thought as well you know. When everything went wrong with Robert. When I was laying in that cell. I blamed everything I’d ever done before. It’s useless. You’re sorry.” He looks at him. “I know you are.”

Adam leans over and then back again. “I know you haven’t forgiven me.” Aaron looks away. “I know Robert won’t either.”

Aaron bounces his knee. “Yeah well. He doesn’t know you does he? He just thinks you’re selfish and stupid.”

“He ain’t too off the mark.”

“Hey. You’ve been there for me.”

“Past tense. Don’t mean you owe me anything now.”

Aaron frowns at him and sighs. “It’s not like that. You’re a mate. You’re always going to — no matter how _ridiculous_ you are.”

Adam doesn’t say anything.

“Just give me time yeah?”

Aaron’s heart beats faster when he thinks of how much time he could get thinking about properly forgiving Adam for being a pillock.

“You didn’t have to give your visiting pass to Vic. But you did. It helped ... things.”

“What things?” Adam’s frowns. “Did you have an argument with Robert?” Aaron nods his head and Adam pulls this face. “About me?”

Aaron shakes his head. “No. No about him not being ... out yet. But he is. It’s fine. We’re sorted.” He smiles faintly. “And you helped there so ... cheers.”

Adam looks smug. “No worries.” He looks down at his shoes and then up again. “You know ... if you think about it ... I did sort of pave the way.” Adam makes this wriggling with his hands and then Aaron frowns at him. “You know. What happened. It got you back didn’t it. Like—“

“So you’re not claiming ownership over me and Rob getting back ...” Adam nods his head eagerly and then stops suddenly. “You’re pushing it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

—

He gets another minute all by himself and he stares up at the sky like he’s talking to someone up there. He used to talk to Jackson and then it got weird and he was sure he’d be laughing at him. 

So he stopped that, he doesn’t know why he’s starting up again now.

“Just let me off.” Aaron rolls his eyes. He isn’t speaking to Jackson, he knows he’s speaking to someone in the future, not the past. “I know I’ve done a lot of stuff but it’s not like I ain’t suffered.” He twits his lip. “It’s been shit. Proper shit. I don’t want it to be anymore.”

It sounds obvious and then he thinks hard about what he’s done in the past to cope with all the other things he’s done in the past. He thinks of it again, and again.

“I don’t want to have to ever do any of _that_ again.” Aaron’s whispering, he’s sure the guard standing a few metres away is thinking he’s mental but he doesn’t stop. “I want to be happy. So give me a break yeah? Just once. With Robert. Hopefully.” He sighs. “I can do it without him. Be happy. I just want it _with_ him though. Now. Not in two, three years or whatever.”

This gust of wind picks up and he drops his head, gives himself a second and then another to just get his mind together. He closes his eyes. Then he opens them again and breathes out deeply.

“In we go.” The guard steps forward and pulls Aaron towards the door again. 

—

Aaron closes his eyes and thinks he hasn’t heard it right. There’s almost this ringing in his ears and then his solicitor is giving him a wink and his mum is clapping her hands like some mad woman.

He’s sure she’s thrown out. 

Then he’s thrown out. Free.

Suspended sentences are the most beautiful things in the world. 

—

There’s a party, of course there’s a party. His mum’s gone all out like he’s just come back from war or something and he’s more than a little overwhelmed by it. It’s been a while since he’s seen so many faces, people are taller, older, look at him differently. He’s not sure if it’s the suit or the way his hair is grown out slightly and he’s actually got facial hair now.

“I didn’t think ...” He waves an actual balloon out of his face as he gets towards the bar and stares at his mum. “Didn’t think you’d go to all this fuss.”

“_Fuss_? It ain’t fuss.” She looks so offended that he almost pulls away. “I’m just happy.”

Aaron thinks of what could make him happier for the smallest of seconds before he’s eyeing up the door. He turns back around again and then plays with the coaster on the bar, balances it between his fingertips.

“I’m happy too.” He blows out a breath, frowns. “I just sort of didn’t expect it.”

“What? Some good luck.” Chas rolls her eyes and Aaron tries to hear her over the sound of ‘Celebrate Good Times’ affecting their hearing of Sandy in the corner of the pub. “Dingles don’t really have that do they?” 

Charity appears out of nowhere, gives him this wink and passes him over another pint. “Well they do now. Good having you home kiddo.”

Aaron warms under it, nods out something that he can’t really say. He wasn’t sure he’d miss the absolute chaos of this place because half the time it feels like being slowly suffocated to death. Now, it feels different. It feels better.

“Good to be home.” Aaron says, he sips at his pint and then feels himself already getting lightheaded under it. He looks at the door again and then back at his mum. She’s just sort of smiling faintly at him and it’s almost unnerving.

“Go.”

“What?” Aaron blinks out something and then before she can answer him, he’s being spun around and dragged into a by his uncle Zak.

“What did you eat in Paris eh? Look how big you are.” Zak rises his hand up past Aaron’s head and then down again.

“I’m not that taller —“

“Yeah well you were a little bit of weed when you left. You know, all daft like.” Cain just appears out of nowhere and slams a hand against Aaron’s back. “You’re jammy you know that?”

Aaron shrugs. “I did have to actually serve ...”

“Not about that.” Cain sips his pint and leaves Aaron guessing. “You’ve got a job at the garage. You can start tomorrow.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Are you serious?”

“Nah. I’m joking.” Cain rolls his eyes and then turns towards Debbie. “Eight o’clock alright for this grease monkey?”

“Sounds about right to me.” Debbie winks at him and then Cain’s looking back at Aaron.

“Is that a yes or no?”

Aaron nods. “Yeah. It’s a yes. Obviously.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Thanks Cain. I mean it.”

Cain nods at him like he knows what he means, how much it means. “Just don’t get too bladdered tonight.”

Aaron gets back to the bar, sees Chas bent over and staring at him with this grin on her face.

“And just like that, you’re employed.” 

Aaron smiles and then sighs. “Mum ...”

“I know. Go see him. Don’t just ring.”

Aaron almost bounces, nods out something that says thank you before he’s almost bolting out of the pub and towards the edge of the village. He hasn’t ran so fast in years, it’s pathetic and his legs are on fire by the time he skirts around to the next village and nearly floors some old bat whilst trying to get to the farm.

There’s this gate, way too high for him to climb and not rip this suit he knows Robert’s going to appreciate. He stops and pulls the stupid blazer off before basically breaking into the farm.

It’s the best start to a suspended sentence possible.

He walks quickly, breathing uneven and he’s sure he’s going to pass out as he tries to get to the small cottage that stands in the middle of the farm. He’s almost there when he hears the sound of rattling and then turns down towards the barn where they had been before. It looks different from the angle he’s in, like it’s been gutted out or something.

He stops when he hears another sound. 

For a second he’s sure it’s sheep. Then he moves closer and then stops dead when he sees Robert inside. The barn isn’t even a barn anymore. It’s been dug out and turned into this work shed or something. He stares with wide eyes until he watches Robert remove these goggles he’s got on and put down a saw like it doesn’t weigh a thing.

“What the ...” Robert’s eyes flicker like he’s trying not to cry and then he’s walking towards Aaron. His hands begin to shake and Aaron’s heart thuds thuds thuds. “You’re ...”

Aaron’s hand holds Robert’s face and then he nods. “Out. That’s ... that’s it. I’m done. Well. Suspended sentence but.” Everything else flies out the window as soon as Robert shoves his tongue down Aaron’s throat and wraps his arms around him tightly. He doesn’t seem to want to let go, drags a hand over Aaron’s shirt and then stares at his tie as their foreheads touch

“The ugliest tie I’ve ...”

“Shut up.” Aaron whispers, before he pushes him further into the barn and against the wall. He feels a hand travel down over his belt and welcomes it, tilts his head back and kisses at Robert’s head before he holds firm at Robert’s hand. “No. I’ve missed you. This. Let me.” He can’t speak, can’t get his words out and the feeling last for what feels like months before Robert’s pulling off him and he’s sprawled out on the floor.

Eventually he comes down from this high that made his throat close up and his legs shake without his control.

“I ...” Aaron stops short of saying anything. He has a hand over Robert’s stomach, cuddles close and feels a hand falling over his hair. Robert’s hands feel like home there somehow as they fall through his curls with ease.

“Still good at that?” It’s not even a question and Aaron’s not even mad. He’s missed him so much that just being alone like this again has made something heal inside him. He thinks of the last time they were laying somewhere not thinking about anything but each other. There’s Paris floating around in his head, warm sheets and feeling Robert’s heart beat as it rises and falls against Aaron’s head resting on his chest. 

Aaron nods wordlessly are Robert’s half question and kisses Robert again until his lips feel numb and everywhere aches.

Robert’s eyes flicker slowly and he has this look of awe about him that Aaron is in love with. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

Aaron nods gently. “Not going anywhere.” He says. “Not again.” It’s a promise that he knows he won’t break, not when they’re like this. Robert puts a hand in Aaron’s and links them together before breathing out slowly.

“Waited so long for this.” Robert doesn’t say anything else and Aaron almost makes a joke out of it before he sees the way Robert’s eyes are glassy. “You. To come along.”

Aaron sits up slightly, has a hand over Robert’s chest to feel his heartbeat. “Hey.”

“I love you Aaron. I love this. Me. You. Us.” Robert shakes his head. “So much.”

Aaron kisses at Robert’s forehead. “Me too.”

“And you could have got _years_.”

“I didn’t.” Aaron tells him as he forms slow circles over Robert’s chest and down below his rib cage. It seems to act relax Robert, calm him down a little. “I’m here. With you. Finally.”

“Finally.”

“Yours.” Aaron bites his lip, then smiles, shows teeth with it and everything. It’s unlike him, to be this happy. It’s strange and new but not unsettling in the way that he always told himself it’d be for someone like him. “Even in this manky old barn for you.”

Robert slaps Aaron’s arm lightly. “Hey. Don’t be rude. You’re talking about a future barn conversion here.”

Aaron scoffs. “Yeah? You building one for yourself are you?”

Robert shakes his head, his eyes down towards his naked thighs.

Aaron strokes a hand over Robert’s arm, then pauses. “Oh. For who then?” It could be a lucrative building if he’s being honest, doing up these barns and then renting them out as holiday homes. He’s almost proud of Robert until he’s speaking again.

“Us.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. His face flushes red and won’t stop. “You — what?”

“This was the surprise.” Robert looks around the place and sits on his elbows as he stares right at Aaron. He looks so strong, serious, certain. “First time I told you this you ended up saying you were a fugitive though so —“

Aaron’s vision gets blurry and he keeps shaking his head.

“You hate it?”

“What?” Aaron feels like he’s not really here, like this isn’t really him. He doesn’t get how he deserves any of this. “No. No. Of course I don’t. I ...”

Robert looks around the place. “As soon as I was up on my feet again, I was in here. Working out plans, then actually getting down to doing stuff.” He breathes in. “I’ve not had anymore seizures. I promise.”

Aaron shudders. “So much for taking it easy.” He wipes at his face and then reaches out to squeeze Robert’s hand. “You idiot.”

“Well I thought you’d be inside for longer.”

Aaron laughs, he shakes his head with it and then playfully pulls away. “Charming.”

Robert reaches out again, holds at Aaron’s hand and squeezes firmly. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Aaron nods, knows. “You’re not even a builder.” He whispers, a smile still on his face. “I can’t believe you’ve even tried.”

“Andy’s been helping a bit.” Robert shrugs. “All the big stuff I’ll call someone in for but I wanted this to be ...” He bites his lip. “Have I jumped the gun?”

Aaron frowns. “How?”

“I haven’t even asked you if you want this.” Robert’s head dips and Aaron raises it with his hand again, holds him by his chin.

“I want you.” Aaron says. “More than _anything_. So I want this.”

Robert blinks, like it’s music to his ears or something. He keeps holding at Aaron’s hand and then leans in to kiss him gently. Time stops for a second and then Aaron’s moving them back down towards the floor, arms strong and heavy against Robert.

“Not moving too ... too fast.” Robert says, panting against the way Aaron’s touching him now.

Aaron frowns. “We’ve not exactly done things the right way round have we?” He leans in to kiss Robert. “Actually, fuck that, what’s the right way? It’s just me and you ain’t it?”

It sounds soppy, makes something tingle through him as he speaks.

“Just me and you. Yeah?” Robert leans forward, panting against Aaron’s ear now.

Aaron leans down to kiss Robert again.

—

The sky is a heavy orange colour as it sets and Aaron’s head hangs close to Robert’s. They’ve fallen asleep, exhausted from being together and being without each other at the exact same time.

He tips his head up, travels a hand right across Robert’s arm and back down towards his waist. He thinks of what could have happened today and how panicked Robert seemed at the possibilities that they were lucky enough to avoid. There’s this buzzing in his head, this need to hold on to Robert. It’s like he’s this _light_, it’s like he always has been.

Robert’s eyes flicker open eventually, he has this gentle smile on his face and Aaron smiles back.

“You’re still here.” Robert says lazily, he wraps his hands over Aaron’s and shuffles them close together. “I wasn’t going mad.”

“You thought you dreamt the things I did to you for hours in this manky barn.”

Robert smirks when Aaron runs a hand over Robert’s arms and down towards his thigh. It makes Robert twist his legs together and groan slightly, press his face into Aaron’s neck. “It’s not a manky barn.” He gets out as he pushes up to look at Aaron.

Aaron just stares at him, hears all this pride Robert has for their space and feels overwhelmed. He thinks he’s going to cry.

“Yeah.” Aaron leans a hand out to run it through Robert’s hair and laughs at how floppy it is. “You’re right. I’m still here.”

“Even if it stinks.”

“It beats sausage rolls and balloons at the pub.” Aaron’s certain of that. He loves his mum, loves Cain, loves Marlon even. But he loves _this_.

“There’s a party?” Robert’s voice is croaky as he sits up. “In your honour?”

Aaron sits up and nods. “Sort of ran here to see you instead.” He looks around. “Working on the dream house.” He’s not sure if anything is even real, if all of this is going to be dragged away from him at any point. He almost wants to start crossing his fingers like a kid.

“The dream house?” Robert picks up Aaron’s tie, strokes it with his thumb. “Looks a bit shit right about now.”

“Well it won’t be.” Aaron smiles freely before he leans in to kiss Robert again. He does. He ends up sprawling Robert out on the floor again, moving the throw they’re resting on in his haste.

Robert pushes him off laughing. “I could go again. I could. But.” He looks at the front of the barn. “Vic’s made dinner tonight.”

Aaron feels this tingle run through him and his heart is banging in his chest. “Right. Yeah. No worries, I’ll just ...” He has no clue where his shirt is but then he looks at something white buried in something that looks like a mound of cement. He fishes it out and starts shaking it before he gets his pants on.

“I want you to stay.”

“In here?” Aaron thinks he’ll catch his death. “Until you’re ...”

Robert laughs at him, brings Aaron close to him as he stands really naked and making Aaron stare. “To come with me. Inside.”

Aaron pulls this face. “To have dinner with ...”

“No. To serve it.”

Aaron dips his head and Robert closes in on him, kisses at Aaron’s forehead. “Are you sure?”

Robert nods firmly, he smiles a little and then breathes out. “I’m not scared of having you here. I want you to come inside. Then maybe we can go show our faces at this party.” He smiles. “If you want.”

Aaron imagines it, his mouth sort of won’t shut as he thinks about how domestic it all sounds. Robert comes forward and has a hand on Aaron’s face, strokes over his chin.

“It’s up to you.” Robert whispers gently, eyes flickering.

“Get dressed then.” Aaron bites at his lip, feels Robert squeeze at his shoulder and then start looking for his top.

Ten minutes later, Robert’s got these baggy jeans on again and Aaron stares at his white shirt. He stares at him until he’s looking at a pair of green farmer overalls.

“They yours?”

“Huh?” Robert turns around, a smile on his face as he realises. “Yeah.” He frowns. “Every farm needs them.”

Aaron pulls this face. “They do huh?” He makes small circles in Robert’s waist. “Nice.” He says, before he kisses Robert gently and holds at his hand. “We can leave that for later can’t we?”

“Yeah. Come on, let’s go.” 

—

Vic’s by the stove in an apron when the door opens and Aaron’s standing there with Robert beside him. They’re still holding hands and he’s nervous about what she’s going to say.

At first she doesn’t say anything. She sort of just stares in shock, looks between them and then points at Aaron.

“You didn’t escape did ya?”

Aaron laughs, comes over towards her and squeezes for a hug. He relaxes into it completely, a small smile on his face as he nods. “Suspended sentence. No hassle for a bit.”

“Forever please.” Robert says, and Aaron feels this tug in his chest as he turns and nods at him. He breathes in against the word, it feels like everything.

“Sap.” Vic says, eyes all soft as she speaks and making Robert roll his. “I take it he’s seen your little love nest too.”

Aaron pulls this face and Vic laughs. He hasn’t thought of it like that before and it makes him smile in this way he never thought he would. He thinks of when Ed called their flat in France a love nest once, it felt strange, mainly because he knew deep down that it wasn’t really his. It was Ed’s. It was Ed’s and he was the guest, the passer by. This feels different, so different.

“Yep. He’s acquainted.” Robert drags his eyes up over Aaron’s body and then stares into his eyes, winks. Aaron takes in how comfortable Robert seems to tease, to joke in front of Victoria and he’s so happy he could burst.

His eyes are drawn to this picture of Jack next to a vase of flowers near the sink. They’re all different, roses and lilies mixed together and he suddenly realises how fresh his death still is. It hits him hard and he only jumps out of it when Robert has a hand against his back and offers this small smile. 

“You good?”

Aaron plays with the hem of his blazer for a second before letting out a nod.

“What we having then Vic?” 

“Well I’ve sort of made rabbit stew.” Vic tightens her ponytail and pulls a face as she stares down at this giant pot. “But it’s gone a bit weird.”

“It’ll be fine.” Andy comes into the room and Aaron watches Robert’s reaction closely. “Oh.” He stops when he sees Aaron. “So you ...”

“Suspended sentence.” Aaron smiles awkwardly. It’s his new favourite thing. For a second he watches Andy watching him and he can’t help but wonder if he would have preferred him still inside. His shoulders bunch up when Andy stares at his muddy shirt. “Uh ...” He waves his hands about. “I just wanted to see Robert.”

Andy’s eyes widen. “Can see that.”

“Ew Andy.” Vic throws a towel at him. “Aaron’s staying for tea.” She says, getting cutlery out. “Right?” Aaron looks at her and nods before looking at Robert. 

“Chas’ doing a party for him though. He’s been gone hours so we’ll slope off after.”

“Meeting all the Dingles?” Vic makes this sound and then Robert’s looking all nervous. He twitches slightly, heels pressed down onto the floor as he does this little bounce.

“It’ll be fine.” Aaron tells him like he’s certain. It gets a nod from Robert and then a smile, then hands under the table and on laps whilst they eat. It feels normal, settled, like he’s been waiting all his life for _this_.

After eating, Aaron helps wash up with Andy and he gets what he supposes is some sort of warning. He’d take it more seriously if he hadn’t been here years ago with Vic and if Andy wasn’t wearing yellow rubber gloves.

“He really loves ya.” Andy pulls this face like the thought is a weird one. “Don’t know what he would have done if you didn’t come back today.”

Aaron gulps. “Let’s both promise not to hurt him then.” He says.

Andy looks like a deer in headlights for a second and Aaron’s back to realising just how much Andy _doesn’t_ think he knows about their relationship. 

“We’re over all that.”

“Are you?” Aaron doesn’t think they’ll ever be over what their dad left them to cope with. Andy seems to understand because he hesitates when answering.

“He’s my brother. I’m his.” Andy seems to think it’s the answer to everything. “At the end of the day, you know, that’s it.”

Aaron nods slowly, doesn’t know where all this confidence is coming from. “‘M not saying you won’t argue or that Rob’s perfect and you’re always wrong. I just ... I’ve seen what your approval does to him. What you ... disproving does n’all.”

Andy frowns. “I’m not homophobic.”

“I didn’t say you were.”

Andy doesn’t seem satisfied and Aaron reckons it says more about Andy than it does himself. He wonders for a second if Andy’s worried he’ll turn out like Jack, it he’s really trying his best not to be so judgemental about Robert.

“I know he’s been through stuff.” Andy says gently. “We all have.” He ruins it and Aaron rolls his eyes. “We’re all responsible for each other now aren’t we? So. That means you have to stick around n’all.”

Aaron looks serious. “I’m not going anywhere.” He says. “What I feel ain’t going anywhere either.”

Andy dunks his hands in soapy water and tries to look menacing. “Good.” He says firmly and Aaron tries to hide his need to laugh by waving around the towel he’s drying plates with. 

—

Chas makes a big deal of meeting him because she’s incapable of being calm. She says things Aaron wishes she wouldn’t and Robert seems to be stunned into some sort of nervous smile.

“Nice to meet you too.” Robert says. “I’ve heard ... you know ... lots about you from Aaron.”

“Same here.” Chas is pouring him a pint and making Aaron sweat more than Robert with her attempts to act normal. “All good. Don’t worry about that. Or him.” She points to Aaron and he wants the ground to swallow him up. “He loves you. A lot. Like —“

“Yeah. We know that.” Aaron has a hand on the small of Robert’s back. “Just pour the pint mum.”

“What? Am I not allowed to grill him?”

Aaron says no with just his eyes and Chas laughs.

“I don’t really have to, I sort of know about your farm. You going to be running it full time then?”

It’s not even something they’ve discussed and Robert doesn’t say anything for a second or so. “Well Andy got the bigger half.” Aaron tenses, shakes his head in disbelief. “So he gets most of the say. I don’t want to be a farmer anyway.”

“Hmm I don’t know, I could see rolling around in hay.” Charity just comes out of absolutely nowhere and Robert clearly has no idea what to say. He’s saved when Chas shoos her away and starts serving another customer.

Aaron pulls a face. “Sorry about that.”

Robert smiles a little. “It’s OK. It’s nice.”

“Now you’re really lying.”

Robert doesn’t smile, just stares into space for a second. “My mum would have liked you.” 

Aaron wants all the party music to stop for a second as he takes in the words, has a hand on Robert’s. 

“She’d have seen all your kindness.” Robert breathes in. “Sorry, I’m being ...”

“No. You’re not.” Aaron says, voice gentle as he speaks. 

Robert manages to smile, then sips at his pint. Aaron rubs at his back for a second before loosening his tie a little and looking towards where Donna and Ross are sitting. They actually look like a nice normal couple and it’s sort of a massive joke considering. There’s a girl between them that he supposes is her kid, his cousin. She’s sweet and for some reason wearing an astronaut costume. 

“They look like a happy little family.” Robert leans away from the bar to whisper and Donna looks up at them before she comes over. 

“All good then yeah?” 

Aaron frowns at her. “Do you see me in a cell?”

“Yeah. We’re fine.” Robert goes to turn Aaron around but he shuffles out of his grip to stare over at Ross.

“I’m not one for blackmail.” Aaron says. “But.” There’s a but because Marlon is a goofball swinging the girl round now and making her laugh and he doesn’t deserve to be lied to. “You do something like that again and he finds out.” 

Donna turns to look at Marlon and then back to Aaron again. “I said ... I’m not risking anything. Just want me and Ross and ... your little cousin if I’m correct.” She arches an eyebrow and Aaron stares over at her again. 

“She’s cute.” He shrugs. 

“Yeah I know.” Donna says, this hesitant smile on her face. “Her name’s April and your lot are mad for her. Should come over when you get the chance.” Aaron nods. “Not just to punch Ross again.”

Aaron thinks about it for a second and then nods again. “Will do.” 

—

The party dies down to almost nothing at all by the time Aaron’s saving Robert from Marlon’s talk about building a fruit farm. 

“What? We’re talking business here.” Robert points out when Aaron has a hand tugging at his waist. “Pint?” He asks, Aaron nods. “We’ll uh ... discuss this later yeah?” Marlon signals Robert like he’s a captain and Aaron can only shake his head.

“All came good then?” Marlon asks, Aaron’s still rooted in his spot and looking over at the bar. 

Robert’s talking to Cain. He’s clearly being warned about not stamping on Aaron’s fragile heart or something by the looks of it all. But he lifts his head up halfway just to throw Aaron wink. 

“Yeah. Looks like it.” 

Marlon squeezes at his shoulder and Aaron doesn’t call him weird for it at all. He actually smiles back. 

“You look happy.” Marlon sounds old, wise even. It makes Aaron stand taller and nod. 

“I am. Proper happy.” Aaron almost expects the rug to be pulled out from underneath him. “Pretty weird.”

Marlon shrugs, “Sort of always is with our lot.” He says and then his eyes widen. “Oh you’ve got to meet —“

April comes running up to them and eyes Aaron up like she’s suspicious. 

“April, this is Aaron.”

“The one who is lucky to have a suspended ...” 

Marlon pulls a hand over her mouth and laughs nervously. “She’s very advanced.”

Aaron kneels a little. “You like astronauts then?”

April tilts her head to the side and then nods eagerly. “Mummy says girls can be what they like.”

Aaron’s eyes widen as he looks at Marlon and then he laughs. “Yeah. That’s ... right yeah.” 

“Well nice to meet you but I’ve got a cupcake to eat.” April squeezes at his leg and then runs back to the table where Donna’s sitting. 

Aaron throws a look and then one back at Marlon. “How’s Donna been?” He asks, them he looks at Ross who’s tickling April like mad and making her laugh. “And him.”

Marlon looks serious. “He’s ... been warned.” 

Aaron scoffs. “By you?” Marlon stares. “Sorry. I just mean ... I’ll be on the look out.”

Marlon frowns, shuffles on his feet. “You don’t even know him. Have you even spoke to him?”

Aaron bites his lip. “I don’t need to. I just know his type so don’t worry. He ain’t going to be doing anything dodgy on my watch.” Marlon pulls a face. “What?”

“Suspended sentence.”

“I won’t hit him. Just trust me yeah?”

Marlon’s eyes flicker slightly. “Yeah. OK, thanks.” He smiles and then heads back to the kitchen. Robert comes back with a pint a few seconds later and Aaron takes it before watching Adam skirt over towards them.

“Hi.” Adam itches the side of his head like he’s waiting for the tension to ease. He has this bounce to his step as he leans forward and then back again. “Good to see you.” He says, looking at Robert now. 

“Not in a hospital bed.”

Adam’s eyes widen. “Look ...”

“It’s fine.” Aaron steps forward slightly, “You don’t get on, that’s a given.”

“Do you blame me?” Robert whispers into his pint. Aaron goes to speak but Adam gets in there first with his sigh. 

“I definitely don’t.” Adam says. “Because I ain’t getting anything for what I did to you. I know that.” He breathes in. “But just know that I’m sorry.”

“For the seizure too.” Adam’s face falls. “Side effect of the crash to the ground.” Robert’s almost enjoying the way Adam squirms and Aaron elbows him. 

“Are you — shit.” Adam gulps hard. “Are you OK now?”

Robert looks at Aaron and then back to Adam again. “Yeah. I’m fine. They think it was a one off. Probably won’t happen again.” 

Adam nods. “Neither will what happened with me and them.” He looks at Ross and Donna chatting away quietly until Ross throws them this look. 

Aaron nods. 

Adam just stares at him for a second and then sighs like there’s this weight off his chest. “You look so happy.”Adam looks between them. “And you know that’s going to make it easier in there. So much easier.” 

Aaron breathes. “Cain’ll look out for you. So well I.”

“Look out for yourself for once yeah?” 

Aaron nods his head slowly and then feels Adam almost rugby tackle him into a hug. Robert doesn’t even comment, just sort of hangs back and smiles. 

“And you look after him.” 

Robert almost rolls his eyes but it’s playful. “Yeah. I think I can manage that.”

“Good.”

—

They walk back to the farm and pretend like it isn’t freezing and the pub would have been just fine. The idea of having Robert sprawled out in his bed seemed more than inviting but this barn seems like a better option. 

It theirs and no one else’s and not even his mum knows about it yet. 

“That weren’t too bad was it.” Aaron says, shuddering against the cold and looking up at Robert.

“Nah.” Robert says, puffing out his chest like it was a walk in the park. “Your mum’s as full on as I thought.”

Aaron arches his eyebrow. “She’s ... protective.”

“Years away in France right? She’s probably going to want to make up for lost time.” 

Aaron nods.

“Careful.” Aaron almost trips as he walks further into the barn and Robert holds him up like he could have died. His hands are firm and heavy and against Aaron until he’s steady again.

“What’s the plan then?” Aaron has his hands in his pockets as his head swirls around the place. There’s a dry patch on the ceiling and he’s got no clue what Robert’s done with all the hay.

Robert walks towards the far end. “Bedroom.” He says with a smirk before walking forward and stretching his arms out as far as they can go. “Wall.”

“Nice.”

“And then another wall here.” Robert walks further towards Aaron and then spins. “Little Kitchen. Bathroom.” He points around and Aaron’s not taken in how big the place can look. “Living room.” He gets up to where Aaron’s stood and rests his head against Aaron’s. “Maybe another box room.” He shrugs. “It’s big ain’t it?”

Aaron nods against Robert before stroking gently at his arm. “Sounds amazing. But.”

Robert pulls away gently like he’s ready for Aaron to say he’s not ready. He nods. “I get it. I honestly do. You don’t ...”

“You’re not picking the colour in our room.” Aaron says. “Or the artwork. No way are you —“ Aaron feels himself being pushed up against the wall, Robert’s mouth firm and hard against his as he kisses him. “You agreeing to that?”

“Yeah.” Robert pants a little into Aaron’s mouth before kissing him again. “I’m agreeing.”

They stay where they are, hands in hands and staring like they don’t know what to say. Eventually, Aaron shudders and there’s this tightness in him because of how cold it is in here.

“We should head to the farm.” Robert whispers. “My bed.” He smirks and then he looks around the room again. “Then tomorrow ...”

“What happens?” Aaron bites his lip and feels this odd sense of unravelling that he didn’t quite expect. He’s got tears in his eyes and he brushes them away. “Where do we go from here?”

“Aaron ...” Robert frowns softly as he speaks. 

“Just don’t really ... how much I feel. It’s a lot.”

“Hey.” Robert steps forward. “I know it is.”

Aaron dips his head down like he doesn’t want Robert looking at him. Robert steps forward and holds at Aaron’s arm, squeezes slowly. 

“You start building this place with me. For us.” His eyes flicker slightly. “We be _us_ remember?” He holds at Aaron like he’s his anchor. 

Aaron nods. “Just scared of fucking this up Robert.” 

Robert frowns. “Not possible.” He says. “Not with us.” He brings a hand over towards Aaron’s face and brushes the tears away. “Yeah?”

Aaron wraps his arms around Robert, buries his head and breathes out everything that’s too much to say. His hands shake a little when he pulls away and there’s only one thing still on his mind.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” Robert says it easily, his shoulders relaxed and face gentle with this happiness he can’t contain.

He takes Aaron’s hand and then they walk back towards the cottage staring up at the stars.


	30. Here and beyond (Epilogue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert celebrate their new home

  
The sun sets in this orange colour that takes over almost everything else in sight. Shades of pink are poking through and spreading in thin gentle lines that melt over the hills in front of them. 

Aaron looks over at Robert, takes him in with as much as he can without getting all emotional and begging to be made fun of. “We did it.” He says. It feels like there’s nothing else he can actually say to sum everything up. He has his chest puffed out, a shake to his shoulders and a bottle of beer resting in his hand. 

Robert has this smile on his face, he breathes out this big sigh that he’s probably been holding in since they started all of this up. He comes closer to Aaron, swipes a bottle from the stack and then clinks it with Aaron’s. “Yeah, we did.”

They both stare up at this place that’s theirs and Aaron’s suddenly never felt so at peace.

—

Aaron has an alarm for a reason. This is the reason. It’s half ten and Robert’s sprawled out over him fast asleep one second and then he’s trying to give Aaron a hand job the next.

Aaron buries his face into the pillow, pushes away before giving in and realising that they’ve not got the fucking time for any of this. 

“Well we clearly did.” Robert mumbles ten minutes later and a smirk on his face. Aaron tilts his head up, stares at soft skin and scattered freckles and his bed hair which is surprisingly sexy. He leans off the bed, and heads towards the bathroom absolutely naked just to make Aaron hate him a little bit more. “You joining me?”

“Are you forgetting what day it is?” Aaron brings his knees up to his chest and watches Robert smile at him. He’s never not fucking smile at him nowadays. Aaron remembers stress and tears and panic and being so scared that Robert would have seizure if he pushed himself too hard. 

Robert doesn’t answer the question until at least a minute later and Aaron rolls his eyes hard at him. “I’m joking. I know it’s the party. It’s fine.” He shrugs his shoulders and then folds his arms over. “I’ve got that to-do list don’t I?”

Aaron bites his lip. “Yeah and how much have we actually got to _do_.”

Robert doesn’t say anything. “Well.” He says, hand on his hip and one running over his forehead.

“They’re coming at lunch time.”

“We have time.” Robert says, he promises, and that manages to get Aaron panting against the shower door fifteen minutes later and pulling on his jeans half an hour after that.

Aaron sticks his shoes on, twists a little and makes Robert laugh at him as he goes and gets his car keys. “You’re more laid back then I thought you’d be.”

Robert shrugs. “If you think about it.” He runs a hand through his hair and shrugs. “They’ve all basically seen it haven’t they? It’s just a barn. Converted.” Aaron pulls this face and Robert brings him closer by the waist. “_Our_ barn.”

Aaron breathes out gently. “Yeah well it’s taken long enough.” He rolls his eyes, thinks of arguments that he would rather forget and that one time they had to go without heating for two nights. “Especially with you wanting those stupid white —“

“And did I get it? I think I did.” Robert nods his head, smug as anything.

“Yeah well. I remember you doing a lot for me as well.” Robert’s cheeks redden, the colour flushes over his face and Aaron relishes in the way he makes Robert feel. He tips his head back and walks out the front door, Robert lagging behind.

Vic waves at them from the farm cottage and Robert waves back whilst Aaron gets the car open.

“Is she coming?” Aaron asks. “Today?”

“Yeah of course. Everyone is.”

“Tracy ain’t.” He’s asked her and apparently managing a hotel isn’t the sort of thing that allows a trip back home when she wants. He’s allowing it, he’s proud of her and still can’t even believe how she’s worked her way up.

“Yeah well. Vic and Andy definitely are so.”

“She didn’t RS—“ Aaron clears his throat and Robert gives him this look. “Oh shut up.”

“You’re so into this.” Robert brings him closer towards him, “It’s actually sexy.”

“Me expecting RS—“

“You caring about our home.”

Home.

The word sort of hits him over the head. It’s been nearly two years of chaos with the build and his mum being his mum and Adam in prison and yet it’s all led to this moment.

A home. His home. 

—

They head out to shop and come back with way too much and Aaron doesn’t know what he’s meant to do with all this smoker salmon Robert’s insisted on getting.

“And this white wine? Is there any point of the red? Who even like red?” Aaron spins round when Robert holds at his waist and kisses him swiftly. “Well we don’t have time for ...”

“Why are you stressed?” Robert says. Aaron just stares at him like he’s lost it. “Yeah it’s a party and it’s our home but ...”

“Feels like my first.” Aaron says, he didn’t know he was holding in a breath until now. Robert is staring at him with big round eyes and Aaron can only tilt his head down and sigh. “That sounds well dramatic.”

“No.” Robert jumps in quickly. “It doesn’t. I just ... why didn’t you say something before?”

Aaron feels Robert’s hand on his waist again. “Say what? That this place literally means everything to me? That everywhere else I’ve ever thought of as mine ... wasn’t permanent.” 

Robert frowns. “This is.”

Aaron has a hand on Robert’s face and he nods. “I know.” He says and then he closes his eyes. “It’s mental.”

Robert tilts his head so that Aaron’s staring at him. “Thought you’d know that by now. Me and you are all sorts of mental.”

Aaron scoffs, has a hand against Robert’s chest. “Yeah. Sort of.”

“Like when you were a fugitive and ran back to England because you love me?” 

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Never living that down.”

“Never letting you. You did it twice.” Robert comes closer and then looks serious again. “Listen. I know how much this place means to you, to us. So let’s show it off.” He shrugs and Aaron shakes his head. “What?”

“Nothing. Just love you. Come here.” Aaron didn’t ever think he’d be this comfortable, this _close_, this gentle with someone else. His hands fall around Robert’s back as he comes towards him and then he breathes in gently. 

He closes his eyes and feels a tide of calm rush over him as Robert holds him tight.

—

The calmness of his mind stays even when the guests start to arrive. He’s got a drink in his hand now and showing off off Robert’s exposed brick wall idea to Sam and his fiancé. She’s bought him a hat, a bobble one that apparently he needs to wear if he doesn’t want to catch a cold. 

He’d stuffed it under the bed ages ago and has to hide it when she comes to stare at the dark navy walls and high ceiling. She thinks it’s lovely; it’s all lovely apparently and he’s thankful. He’s thankful in this really simple way that he can’t quite get his head around.

“I take it all this crap is Robert’s.” Chas picks up a lamp and Charity has her hands on something that looks like both a clock and a chest board.

Aaron folds his arms. “It’s not _crap_.” He says, and yanks the lamp thing out of Charity’s grip as hard as he can.

“Oi.” Charity looks around the bedroom and then folds her arms. “Nice in here ain’t it?” She turns to Chas and sighs. “Oh God don’t start ...”

Chas is crying and Aaron doesn’t actually know what he’s meant to do. He just stares at her and the way she’s looking at all the photos they have around the place. He looks at the one of him and Robert stood like members of a boy band in their farm overalls. They’ve both got their arms crossed. Then there’s another one of them both pointing to the finished barn and then Aaron kissing Robert’s cheek.

It makes him well up a little and then he stops, gets a grip just as his mum runs up towards him and hugs hard. 

“My baby’s got a home.” It’s what he can make out before she’s pulling away and shuddering. “He built a home.”

“Yeah on Sugden’s farm.” Charity says. “You know like, the _other_ farm in this area.”

“You trying to make us sound like Romeo and Romeo again then?” Robert comes towards them and passes Aaron a drink before Charity rolls her eyes and walks away to annoy Noah. “You alright?” He asks nervously, because Chas looks like a panda with all her smudged massacre.

“She’s sad ‘cause her baby’s got a home.” Aaron tells Robert before looking back at his mum. “You don’t have to cry.”

“I thought you’d never come home.”

Aaron sobers a little and then steps forward to hug her again. He watches Marlon looking around the kitchen and give him a thumbs up about the microwave brand. He smiles back before moving off his mum and smiling at her. “I’m home now ain’t I?”

Chas shrugs. “Could be closer.”

She’s unbelievable.

“I couldn’t be in that bedroom forever. Besides. How could you have your walk in wardrobe?”

Chas rolls her eyes and then smiles. “Good point.” She steps forward. “I’m so happy for you.” She says. “For both of you.” Aaron warms under the way she looks at Robert, mainly because she’s always been a little wary of him. He knows it’s because she’s fully aware of how much her son adores him, what he’d for him. She knows Robert has this power to break her son’s heart so she keeps him at arms length. Now though, she looks right at him and smiles. “You look after him.”

Aaron tuts. “Hey. He’s done alright for the past ...”

“I’m trying to be menacing here.” Chas points out, wriggles an eyebrow and then she’s shaking her head. “Sort of looks like I don’t have to be.”

Robert looks seriously at her and then nods. “He’s in safe hands. Always.”

Aaron tilts his head up and turns bright red underneath Robert’s words. “Right, enough sap. Shouldn’t we be getting bladdered?”

Robert laughs and it fills the space until Chas is speaking again.

“I need more wine.” She announces before turning around and walking towards the living room.

“She’s back to normal then.” Robert whispers, kisses at Aaron’s temple before he gets an elbow in the ribs. 

—

Aaron catches himself staring at Robert with Vic and he hangs back just to see them laughing and smiling together. He thinks back to a time where Robert didn’t think he belonged here and it stretches within him so fast.

Andy’s with them when he next gets the chance to stare. He looks over and sees him extending a hand and then Robert is extending one and it’s a little strange but it’s them now. They’re both in a good place and although it’s taken time to get to this relatively normal and comfortable space, Aaron’s thankful for it.

He stares up at the fairy lights Robert has insisted on and then hears Vic call his name. Andy’s gone to talk about cows with someone according to Andy.

“Did you call me over to smile at me?” Aaron says, he’s finger is circling around the rim of his bottle of beer and he stops short when Vic looks like she’s about to cry. He’s not sure why everyone’s so emotional today and then he nearly trips back on a ballon and he’s struck by how much of a big deal this all is.

He’s seen the way everyone is looking at him. They all think he’s settled and almost boring. Belle’s come up to him twice and said if he’s thinking of setting up a joint account with Robert, she’d been trying to take the piss so he didn’t tell her they’re going to the bank to talk it through in just a couple of days.

“Vic. Don’t cry.” Robert says, “God let me go and get you some tissue.” He passes Aaron his beer and heads off in search of some before being stopped by Sam in the process.

Vic runs a hand over her hair and tightens her pony tail before sighing. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to get upset. We were talking about our mum.”

Aaron didn’t expect it. “Oh. You looked ... you were laughing so I just thought.” He shrugs.

“Yeah well. She’d love this.” Vic looks around and then sighs. “Him actually being happy on this farm.”

Aaron’s jaw tightens. “That’s all I want.” He says. “Him feeling like he belongs here.” 

Vic smiles. “You know I never really got it, why him and Andy would fight. It was just a stupid farm.” She squints and tilts her head. “But I get it now. I get how much this place just ... divided them. But this place is yours now.”

Aaron nods. “You’ll have somewhere of your own soon too.” He says. “How’s the hunting going?”

Vic pulls a face. “There’s a little cottage in your village actually, might rent it with a mate.” She says and then stops. “Feels weird though, adult decisions.”

“You should be proud.” Aaron doesn’t know what losing a mother and father in the years you need them the most does to you. He knows abandonment and sadness and having to rebuild bridges but not this.

Vic puffs out her chest. “I am. A bit.” She smiles. “Proud of you n’all.“

“For what? Not being a fugitive anymore?”

Vic rolls his eyes. “Letting yourself be happy.” Aaron sort of stares at her and has nothing to say. “Not so gobby now are you?”

“You can talk.”

Vic shakes her head. “Still the same then.” She says before taking a little step closer. “My mum would have been really glad he has you.” She doesn’t mention Jack and he thinks about if she knows, if she’s wondered it all herself.

Aaron feels touched, smiles gently. “Well I ain’t going anywhere.”

“You’re living together.” Vic laughs. “I really doubt you can now you’ve put all your ...” She looks up at this collage of engine parts. “Stamp on it.”

“Don’t mock the art.”

“_Art_?” 

“Hey. He likes to think it’s the same as my sort of art so. Let’s let him.” Robert comes back with tissues Vic doesn’t even need anymore and she just laughs before getting pulled away by someone asking about her cupcake recipe.

Aaron stares around for a second before there’s a hand on his back.

“You good?”

Aaron looks at him and feels his heart give way. Still. “Yeah. All good.” He whispers. 

—

Eventually the party dies down and Vic’s cupcakes seem to have all found home in Noah’s gob. He’s exhausted from small talk and there’s this knot in his stomach that he’s not sure how to budge. He thinks it’s pride mixed in with surprise and this feeling that everyone is happy for him.

It showed. They beamed at him and it’s set him alight with all this certainty.

He remembers hating the Dingles, wishing he didn’t have to stay and pretend to be family. He remembers not wanting to be like them in any single way and resenting any similarities. He was a kid then, he was young and ashamed and felt like anyone would leave him at the drop of a hat.

But now, they were here, they’re still here.

“That was OK weren’t it?” Robert’s a little bit pissed and he’s still drinking half a bottle of beer by the time he joins Aaron in the kitchen and starts collecting glasses. “I had fun with your lot so it must have been.”

“Oi.” Aaron steps forward and sighs. “It was perfect. Nothing actually went wrong.” Perfect isn’t a word he’s used to saying out loud, it’s stuck and twisted in his brain in the way that it should be. Now, it’s something that he can see, hold, touch.

The thoughts make Aaron’s hands shake a little when they sit on Robert’s chest.

“Yeah. Perfect.” Robert kisses his lips lightly and then searches something on Aaron’s face. “Even if I’m 99% sure I sure your nan trying to get into my underwear drawer.”

Aaron pulls this face and thinks he’s about to be sick. “God how did she know it weren’t mine?”

“That’s all your bothered about?”

Aaron shrugs. “She’s less than harmless. Actually. No. She’s absolutely bonkers.” He didn’t think he’d like her when she waltzed back in and set her eyes on Robert like he’d be her next meal. But she loves him and he loves her he supposes. She’s mad but she fits in and it’s nice to think that someone actually like Robert after years of stressing about how his family might not.

“Oh I know.” Robert folds his arms over. “She was telling me about how that one time she was in prison on remand and tried to start revolutionary escape method.”

Aaron cringes and then looks deep in thought suddenly. Robert watches him and then breathes in like he didn’t want to get Aaron upset.

“Hey. Adam’s out in a couple of months.”

Aaron thinks of him, sobers slightly and Robert cups his face. “I know.” He says gently. “I know, I just ... it’s shit.”

“You miss him. I know.” Robert kisses Aaron’s head and he’s back to thinking about how supportive Robert’s been amongst all of this. Moira’s lost her mind more than once and there’s been so many run ins that he’s lost count. “But he ain’t having the spare room.”

Aaron hits at Robert’s chest lightly and pulls away, blowing out candles and shutting windows as Robert disappears into the bedroom. 

His mum rings to thank him for the party, she says she’s proud of him again and he isn’t sure he’s ever going to be able to hear the words and let them actually sink in. The older he’s getting; the more he doesn’t understand how his mum left him the way she did and it seems to claw away sometimes.

Then there’s now, when she’s being this soft warm person who’s there for him through anything. Then he thinks of how much Faith didn’t teach her about being a good mother. The thoughts spin out until she’s asking if he’s still there.

“Yeah. Just cleaning things up and that.”

“Aww. Robert helping?”

Aaron looks around. “He was. I think he’s gone up to get ready for bed though.”

“Look at you. All domestic.”

Aaron huffs. “You say this every time we act like a normal couple.”

“Yeah ‘cause I can already hear all the wedding bells.” Aaron freezes suddenly. “Even if you can’t.”

Aaron gulps hard around her words and looks up towards the stairs. “Calm it down will ya?”

Chas laughs. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”

“You didn’t.” Aaron says it too quickly and then he finds himself smiling. He bites his lip hard and then looks at a picture of him and Robert on the cabinet. Andy and Vic are squeezed in beside them and they all look like one big happy family. It’s beyond weird, it still is.

“Good.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and he doesn’t know if this is his mum’s way of saying she’d be all up for picking out a nice dress in one of her glassy magazines and hearing him say I do. Or if this is about her finally accepting that Robert really is The One for her son

Whatever it is has his heart thudding like mad. 

—

He finds Robert almost half an hour later when he’s well and truly realised he’s sacked off helping him out.

“You absolutely slacker.” Aaron stops dead when he sees Robert staring out the window towards the cottage. He doesn’t say anything for a second, then just comes towards Robert and rubs his back. “You alright?”

Robert jumps slightly and Aaron moves away again until Robert’s bringing him closer and holding him by the waist. Aaron picks up on it instantly and wraps his arms around Robert for a second to properly comfort him. He hears Robert breathe out like he’s been holding something in for a long time.

“Talk to me.” Aaron almost begs him. He hates the way Robert isn’t moving at all, the way he has this shite habit of building things up and locking it all inside before he’s like this. “Hmm?” He runs a hand through Robert’s hair loosely and then kisses his head.

“I’m just thinking.” Robert says, and there’s a heaviness to him that Aaron knows he has to be careful with. “About things.”

Aaron nods carefully. “Us?”

Robert spins to stare up at him. “What?”

“Thinking about us.” Aaron shrugs. “Haven’t scared you off have I?”

“Scared me?” Robert says like he has absolutely no idea what Aaron’s talking about. It makes Aaron sigh and then almost squirm like he doesn’t know what else to say. “No. Of course it’s not you.”

“I know when you’re hiding something.” Aaron says and then he closes his eyes. “And you know I hate when you lie instead of ...”

Robert closes his eyes. “I haven’t lied.”

“You’re not telling me the truth either.”

Robert looks away suddenly. “That’s ‘cause ...”

Aaron frowns. “Rob.”

“This is one of his barns. My dad’s. I just thought about it today you know.” Robert’s voice is hardly there as he speaks but Aaron listens close. “Him.” Aaron hates how much he hasn’t even stopped to think about it.

“Robert.” He doesn’t even know why he’s saying his name but it comes out thick with emotion like he doesn’t know how not to be. 

“I know it’s our home. I know we’ve spent so long making it ours but there’s just this voice in the back of my head saying that it’s all still his.”

“It’s not.” Aaron blurts out and then pulls back. “I mean ...”

“Andy and Vic sometimes still say it’s dad’s. The farm. Everything. They don’t mean to but it just makes things harder.” Robert runs a hand through his hair and then looks up. “What?”

“I don’t want you still having to deal with this. It was bad enough when we were doing this place up and you wanted to sack it all in over your dad.” Aaron breathes out. “What if you told Vic?”

“Told her what?”

Aaron gulps. “The way you left things with your dad. Things that happened.” He closes his eyes and then opens them again. “It could help.”

Robert sits up a little and then runs a hand over his knee. “Have her hate him you mean. That’s what would happen. I know it.”

“She mentioned your mum today.” Robert looks up in surprise. “When we were chatting, she mentioned your mum but not your dad. She hardly mentions him when she talks about us.”

Robert frowns. “Do you think she knows?”

Aaron shrugs. “Obviously not all of it but ... I think she’s got an inkling. I think ... she doesn’t want you upset. Neither do I.”

Robert sighs heavily. “It’s just like sometimes I don’t know to be happy because of him.” It spins, gets darker and Aaron pulls in a breath suddenly. 

“You’re not ...” 

Robert sort of springs to life. “I am.” He says. “Shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” 

“Hey.” Aaron crouches down, has a hand on Robert’s knee. “I know. I know, it’s OK. I get it.” 

Robert bites his lip. “I’m happy. I am. It’s just ... he wouldn’t be and that’s hard.” He frowns. “It’s hard to think about.” He wipes at his eyes, and then his face flushes red. “But I’ll be OK.” 

“Yeah you will. With me.” Aaron whispers and then he breathes in. “Look. This place.” He looks around at the walls they’ve left revealing the old panelled beams of the place and then he sighs. “Yeah it was one of his barns weren’t it? But now it’s your home.”

Robert looks at him in this way that makes it hard to breath and then he leans in to kiss him. He feels their lips press together and then pull away when Robert strokes a hand over his chest and smiles. 

“Your home too.” 

“Obviously.”

Robert laughs. “Does this beat the Paris flat?”

Aaron just stares at him. 

“What? I loved that little place.”

Aaron makes a face. “That was ... it became just somewhere to sleep before you came along so no ... don’t think it compares to this.” 

Robert smiles gently and then looks out over towards the cottage again, the sheets of field in front of them. 

“You know I’m here. If you want to shout about it, scream, cry.” Robert looks away and then breathes out.

“That’s more your thing.”

Aaron frowns. “Shut your face.” He says before he sighs. “I’m not going anywhere.” He tells Robert like he needs to hear it again. “I mean that.”

Robert sniffs. “You’ve stuck around this long haven’t you?” His voice doesn’t waver, he’s sure in that as he leans out and grabs Aaron’s hand. 

“So have you. I could have been in prison. Still.” The thought seems too alien to even think about now.

Robert scoffs. “You and Adam in there. That would have been a disaster.” 

Aaron breathes in gently and then feels his heart thud hard almost out of nowhere. “You know. Adam’s not having that room ever.” Aaron doesn’t know if he’s getting his words out right. He stops almost completely and then shakes his head. “Because I want ... like a future here.”

Robert’s mouth falls open slightly. “In the box room.”

“Well. What we put in the box room yeah.” Aaron says. He remembers when he first had the thought as well. He walked in on Robert and Donna actually talking and the next thing he was holding her newborn and smiling down. It made something stick and twist and it hasn’t changed since. Robert tried to say he was testing whether or not Ross had birthed Satan, he’d laughed along and then felt this swoop of longing he didn’t know he ever thought was possible. 

Robert’s eyes flicker. 

Aaron gulps hard, drags a hand over Robert’s thigh and then tries to stammer out something else. “I’m not saying _now_. I’m saying —“

“Future.” Robert says gently like he isn’t absolutely petrified about the idea. “Babies and ...”

Aaron drops his head and shakes it. “I didn’t mean to dump this on you.” He almost wants to take it back. “I’m an idiot.” He whispers. 

“No.” Robert says. “No, you’re ...” He nods. “I want everything with you.” 

Aaron looks up and he breathes in. “I didn’t like. Propose. Not yet. I like how we are.”

“Not yet.” Robert pulls Aaron closer to him and hears exactly what he wants to. Aaron feels dizzy over it, has a hand on Robert’s face.

“Just said that didn’t I?” Aaron shudders our this nervous sigh. “But if I was to.”

“Hypothetically.”

“Hypothetically speaking of course.” Aaron laughs, it comes out weird and he clears his throat suddenly. “You would?”

“Would what?”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Don’t be annoying.” He tries to lean back and then Robert kisses his mouth gently before whispering, “Yeah. It’ll always be yeah.” 

Aaron has this feeling rush through him. He closes his eyes around it like he needs to savour it for so long. He bites his lip and then feels Robert shake his arm gently. 

“Did you hear me?”

Aaron nods. “I heard you. Yeah. I did. I’m just ...”

“Careful. That was hypothetical wasn’t it.” Robert has this smile on his face that won’t budge and he wriggles his eyebrow, winks pretty badly. 

“Yeah.” Aaron whispers his face with the back of his hand and then leans down to kiss Robert again. 

It feels right. It feels warm and soft and gentle. 

He thinks of a few months from now when they’re stupidly settled, he thinks of calling Tracy, hearing her squeal down the phone and promise to make sure the room is available. 

There’s the buying plane tickets and retracing old steps and Robert becoming more suspicious and yet more clueless as the day goes by. Then there’s a single room, door closed shut and just each other in the world for a second. 

He thinks he’ll have nothing good to say, that’ll result in stuttering rubbish out until he’s on one knee and saying this is where it all started. 

Robert will take over, be strong, not laugh at the way Aaron struggles to open the ring box. He will. Then they’ll laugh and kiss and fall on the bed together.

Robert drags himself up, kisses at Aaron’s head as he holds his hand and smiles again. 

It all feels like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really didn’t want this to end tbh but I’m happy with the way it’s left. I wanted to show a little into the future and how they’re doing/where they’re headed. I hope you enjoyed it. This fic has been going for a long old while and I’m not sure when/if I’ll be doing another big one like this but I just wanted to say a massive thank you for everyone who’s read, left comments and made is such an enjoyable ride!

**Author's Note:**

> The chapters should sort of explain themselves but if you have any questions about timeframes or whatever let me know. Also if you have the time; feedback is always appreciated


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